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The Pleasure Principle: Freudian Sex Advice with Bambi: Lubes and Laughs

Q: How can a woman make using lube look sexy? And/or do guys think a woman is terrible in bed if she pulls out lube?

A: Said the good doctor,

It will perhaps not be thought too rash to suppose that the impulses arising from the instincts do not belong to the type of bound nervous processes but of freely mobile processes, which press towards discharge.

Your enthusiasm about whipping out love potion is the opposite of a shitty sesh (aka a boring one). If he doesn’t get it on his own, remind him that sometimes the physical world needs a little help keeping up with the hot marathon of things your instinct-driven id wants to do to him.

On the topic of freakouts over exhuming megabottles of previously enjoyed lube, don’t be swayed if that’s your way. Your loyalty doesn’t belong to the myth that this is your first go on the Slip n Slide–it’s all about you, him, and the big squeeze.

Adding sex appeal to anything requires confidence, masterful control, and visceral passion. Next time you want to sultrify the serum, mix it up with a couple moves that incorporate all three:

Wake and Bake

While he’s still passed out after latenight romps, warm up some lube (as advised on the bottle) and hit him with some amazing handiwork that will pull his dreamworld into reality. All the unexpected stimulation could inspire some previously untapped subconscious urges in him that call for extra sauce.

Statue of Luberty

Édouard René de Laboulaye whose philosophy inspired the original erection said, “If a monument should rise in the United States, as a memorial to their independence, I should think it only natural if it were built by united effort-a common work of both our nations.” Working together, build up the empire starting slow and gradually add more juice and amp it up to heavy. Light your own torch by incorporating this gem. Like Bartholdi’s accomplishment, If it was any good, it’ll inspire your very own ticker tape blowout.

Q: I can’t stop making jokes during sex. Is something wrong with me? Is there no place for humor in sex?

A: There is nothing wrong with you or the idea if working humor into sex. Like Joan Rivers’ predecessor Hermione Gingold observed, “Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered–and I still do, which is more important.” But like anything, you gotta do it right.

The manifestations of a compulsion to repeat…exhibit to a high degree an instinctual character and, when they act in opposition to the pleasure principle, give the appearance of some “daemonic” force at work.

Freud’s distinction of behaviors that manifest despite their conflict with attaining personal ecstasy belays the need to align these, rather than focusing on normalcy. Your jokes, are they at least funny? Nobody likes bad improv naked or clothed. If you can’t even make yourself laugh, get off the stage until you’ve got some good ones under your belt. Do you share the same sense of humor as your fellow romper? If not, keep on keepin on until you find a keeper.

In all, fuck it. Charles Bukowski said it best: “Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.” Sacrificing your style is unlikely to be successful.  Just focus on improving your gag-reflex before the fat lady sings.

Q: This is from a girl who lives with her boyfriend: i like vibrators and im so sad i dont get to use them really because now i have a boyfriend and that seems a little rude to do BUT why cant he use it on me – how do i … politely… ask him that

The external pressure which provokes  constantly increasing extent of development has not imposed itself upon every organism. Many have succeeded in remaining up to the present time at their lowly level.

In other words, until he watches enough pornos or a girl with good ideas brings it to his attention, a battery-powered, always-hard, blimp of a dick that you desire may not sound like a sexy third wheel to him. If you strut your stuff in hot and proud of the fun toy that you want to share, and if you’ve also taken up communicating with the person you’re bangin, chances are you’ll resolve on a happy medium for the evening.

Ammo to ensure the vibe gets a showcase:

-Just try it once–you are not asking him to spoon your Wand forever more, just to have a romp on uncommon ground.

-He’s got a lot of nerve(s). Try hitting his and he may have a change of heart. Aim for the base and keep things predictable until further notice.

-As Sigmund put it, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” And a vibrator is not a penis. If the green monster rears its head, promptly proceed to service his. A reminder that you crave his junk is a good peace treaty between Man and Machine.

-Say he doesn’t go for it? Take it down a notch: invite him to watch before engaging in some participant observation. If you resolve to enjoying yourself unfettered by penitence, your raw urges may be the catalyst that eventually get him to go native.

Also, if you have the time to reflect on the good old days with bunny, why not work some alone time into your repertoire? Acquiring a boyfriend is not like moving to Jersey–it’s still perfectly legal to pump your own gas.

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