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J-Dating in the Dark

I recently joined JDate and I’m awkwardly not that embarrassed about it. Maybe I’m not embarrassed because I know I’m cool and I’m seriously convinced I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder, meaning instead of how anorexic girls look in the mirror and see a fat girl, I look in the mirror and instead of seeing myself, a cute girl, I see Gisele Bundchen. Since I was little, and this might just be a Jewish thing, but my aunts, my grandmas, my mother, all told me how utterly gorgeous I am. I mean, I’m okay. I guess they convinced me I’m Heidi Klum on a good day and that’s fine because it’s saves me hours when I’m getting ready to go out because I think I look incredible, and apparently also allows me to join JDate without that much shame. Props to my fam. My brother also thinks he literally looks like Michelangelo’s David statue, and my dog thinks he is as famous as Toto. We’re all delusional.

Anyway, I decided to join JDate for a few reasons. 1. My dad said he would pay me to do it although I have yet to see that money direct deposited into my account. 2. My roommate from college met her now fiancé on it (although when she joined we all made fun of her NON STOP). Now the bitch is laughing all the way to the chuppah. In addition, everyone’s cousin, including my own, has met their wife on JDate, so I realized I gotta keep up with the times. I don’t have an Instagram so the least I could do is keep up in other ways. The last straw came when I read a quote from Robert Frost or JFK or someone and it said, “Your destiny is not something to wait for, it’s something to be achieved.” Clearly, he was talking about JDate. Or the Cold War. Whatever.

So I made a sexually appealing profile and let me tell you, I found so many people who I know in real life and would never expect to see on the site. The problem is instead of looking for new guys, I just sit there and send sexual messages to the people I already know (both male and female) because I find it humorous. I just imagine them thinking they got a message from some hot bitch, and it’s just little old me sexually harassing them … usually in Hebrew. My roommates will often call me from their rooms and say “what are you doing?” I answer with a simple “Ohhhh, nothin. Just JDating in the living room.” It’s my new favorite verb and lately, I’m constantly tempted to put a J before everything. Whenever I use the word J-Walking I laugh to myself.

So … there are a few guys worth mentioning. One is the guy who messaged me and the subject of his email was “NINNNNJJJJJJAAAA.” ENOUGH SAID. Then there was the gem whose personality profile is fine but looks like the spitting image of The Craigslist Killer. Too much, too soon. My favorite was a guy from New York who could not have been better looking. His profile seemed cool and I was starting to think he might be my other half when I noticed that he may or may not have been 5’5’’. That isn’t just short, that’s minuscule. Really rude of God to do to him. If he was an Atheist, I would get that. Last but not least, came “Dimitry.” Dimitry had a name that immediately gave away that he was a Ruski. Ever since my Russian ballet teacher had no sympathy for me—the poor child with a red, hand-me-down leotard when everyone else had a regal pink tutu—I just haven’t been able to connect with Russians. Sue me.

Anyway, Dimitry looked identical to my ex boyfriend, so logically, I wanted to give him a try. Always a healthy decision. So he seemed cool, we messaged back and forth a little and then he asked for my number. I gave it to him with the rationale that Time Warner and the Gas company have my social security number, so what’s one more asshole knowing my personal info. He texted me right away. Like within 5 minutes. Eh. We chatted and then the convo was over and I said bye … and after my bye … he sent A SMILEY. No, no, no. It was over. Long story short, he left me a voicemail the next day. Let’s just say his voice was at an octave I don’t think Susan Boyle could reach. So high pitched. My soul mate doesn’t have a mouse voice. He just doesn’t.

The point is I’m gonna J-Wait and see if there are any gem stones for me to meet on JDate because that’s what my look-a-like Gisele would do … if she wasn’t married to Tom fucking Brady.

A version of this post originally appeared on Another Day in Paradise on May 31, 2012.

Gabriela Marcus graduated NYU Tisch School of the Arts a few years ago with a degree in drama. She is an aspiring actress and writer living in Los Angeles. If you want to know how that’s going, you can read her blog.

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