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Ugly Jew

Shema Arielle,

I’ve found the Jewish girl of my dreams. She’s my eshet chayil, a relentless balabusta, and on top of it all, a savvy businesswoman. But… The other day, we were talking about celebrity crushes and she chose — wait for it — Liam Hemsworth. WTF?!

Nothing against Mr. Hemsworth. By all means, he’s a great looking dude, but he’s an archetypal shaygetz nonetheless. Arielle, I’m short, I’ve got a schnoz, and I’m just Jew-ey all around. I know she loves me, but I can’t help but feel insecure. What should I do? I haven’t stopped thinking about it ever since, and when she asks me why I’m acting weird, I don’t know what to say! 


Ugly Jew

Hey, Bubbela 

You came to the right place because I too have felt like a green M&M, though I’m not sure if you’re green with envy or jealousy. Envy is wanting something that someone else has, and jealousy is the fear that something, or in this case, someone, will be stolen right under your massive schnoz. Neverminding the semantics, what’s important is that while Liam Hemsworth might be taller, darker, and subjectively more handsome than you, we mustn’t forget what they say… the bigger the schnoz, the bigger the schlong!

You conveniently neglected to share who your celebrity crush is, but I can make do with what you’ve given me. And that would be a small dose of internalized antisemitism. Get outta here with that “just Jew-ey all around” self-description! Obviously you’ve got a self-confidence issue, and to that I must remind you — someone else’s beauty does not detract from your own. Your eshet chayil doesn’t even like Liam for his personality, because she doesn’t know him like she knows you — she just wants to lick his abs! And what use is a sack of bones without a “Jew-ey” neshama to fall in love with? 

So the Jewish girl of your dreams gets wet for a sheigetz who looks nothing like you — that simply illustrates how much of a fantasy her attraction to Liam is. For example, I have a crush on Danny Devito, and frankly, I won’t be expanding on that. My advice to you, sweet Ugly Jew, is to confront your insecurity and confide in your lover. It’s an uncomfortable conversation that needs to be had lest a resentment builds a Tower of Babel whose ultimate fate was destruction. There’s a metaphor here about speaking the same language and the importance of communication, but I’m too busy daydreaming and drooling over Danny Devito to really put that one together. 



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