1. The Great Pumpkin – One night a year, Linus sits and waits for the Great Pumpkin to come, but to no avail. He does his best to fulfill all the necessary preconditions for the Great Pumpkin’s arrival, and yet nothing. But still, he never loses hope, and continues to wait every year on Halloween. That’s Elijah! And hapless Linus is the Jews. So well-intentioned. So patient.
2. Starting a Holiday at Sundown – What can I say? This was our idea. We do that EVERY TIME.
3. Even though we don’t think anybody has taken up the challenge of being “Slutty Maimonides,” we think once this catches on, it will be bigger than dressing up like a sexy cat.
4. Bram Stoker’s Dracula – Although based on a figure out of Romanian mythology who was known for being a violent defender of Christianity, Dracula himself is anti-Semitic-stereotype incarnate. You’ve got the failure to integrate into society, the hoarded wealth, the literal blood-sucking (only Christians, of course), the metaphorical blood-sucking (only Christian society, of course), and the demented sexuality. Add to that the accent, the nose, and the eccentricity, and you’ve got Jew-stereotypes wrapped up in a pretty Eastern-European immigrant fear-frenzy package!
5. Frankenstein – An enormous, hulking humanoid, brought to life from non-natural means and toward selfish ends, goes on to have a live and exploits far beyond the expectations and control of its creator. Nah man, that’s the Golem! Jews of Prague did it first.
6. While we’re at it, you can thank us for some of the most classic spooky films ever made: Dracula, Frankenstein and The Mummy all came out of Universal Studios. Who owned Universal Studios? The Laemmle family. They were Jews.
7. Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy – Any observational comedian can crack wise about airplane food. It takes a pro to turn the childhood traumas of Halloween into comedy gold.
8. Dentists. A lot of Jews are dentists. We asked our friend, Dr. Neil Fedderman, DDS if the time after Halloween is a good time for business. His answer: “I put three kids through college thanks to Nov. 1 through Dec. 1st.”
9. Without Jews, gentiles would have one less stupid costume idea.
10. Can we just come out and say that Halloween as we know it got at least half of its good ideas from Jews? Purim? Anybody? Anybody?