BLOG POSTS FROM THE COMMUNITY

Today, Israel commemorates the sixtieth anniversary of it's founding. Unlike the celebrations of the country's 50th birthday in 1998, today's events have a far more somber quality to them, as though they are observing the passing of something far more tentative and fragile than we imagined back then, just before the peace process ground to a halt. Predictably, this month has witnessed the publication of a number of controversial articles questioning whether Israel will survive, generating, in turn, the expected reactions. In other words, business as usual.

As an Israeli citizen, and as an American-born editor working in English-language news publishing, I've resisted the temptation to draft my own thoughts on the subject, if only because I'm loathe to indulge the cliches that inevitably accompany the ritual of commenting on any specific nation's annual observation of it's independence. Especially those penned by U.S. Jews, which I read all of the time, and inevitably drive me nuts. Whether its spreading the love, or demonstrating disappointment, more often than not, it all reads the same.

This isn't to say that I'm not using the date as an opportunity to reflect on the nature of the state my friends and family continue to create. I am, just as I do every day, as someone who, for better or worse, always has Israel on his mind. If Israel has succeeded in establishing itself as it's own unmoved mover, to quote my divinity school training, it would make Aquinas proud. Nothing in my mind is not somehow related to or impacted by it. Israel is everywhere, and everything.

However, I don't feel the least bit sentimental about it, and there's something about recognizing this that I find relatively liberating. To wit, my wife and I will be going home to see my parents in a month's time, and the country will not feel any different than it did the same time last year I returned home, or, for that matter, this week, as I worried about the fact that I was not worried whether I'd write anything about this date at all. Israel, quite simply, exists, and feels more a part of my life than ever.

Of course, like the pundits I like to read, I could offer my own interpretation of the country's Italian-style political scene, and what I think the future holds in store for Israel under a coming Berlusconi-equivalent. Or I could offer it by way of talking about the remarkable films I saw this week at the San Francisco International Film Festival, such as Vasermil, Children of the Sun, or Under the Bombs, all of which offer rich insights into how Israelis and Arabs alike experience the country. At some point, I'm sure I will.

But, today, I guess, my point is far more mundane. For me, as it is for many Jews, Israel is something of a vocation. If that's what citizenship ultimately means, that's fine. I gladly accept it. As much as I'd like to find the identity somehow transformative or more involving, over the years, I've had to set certain instinctual limits to it because the psychic burden of being Israeli is traumatic enough. Adding anything else to the equation would be, for lack of a better of way of putting it, completely overwhelming.

Also published at Allvoices

Link to original post and comments:

http://frumsatire.net/2007/07/03/the-ultimate-guide-to-saying-good-shabbos/

The mumbling men:
I think the most common type of good shabbos is the mumble, this is
when the person passing you feels obligated to say good shabbos but
doesn’t actually want to say it, he waits till the last possible second
and then as your eyes lock although you were both looking down, one of
you mumbles a shabbos without the word good. Barely audible and barely
understandable you hear some sort of noise come out of their mouth as
they quicken their pace to mask their awkward forced good shabbos.

The doublers:
Good shabbos should only be said once, but for some reason the
extroverted usually black hat type of guy without a beard feels the
need to say good shabbos two maybe three times. This happens no matter
how many people you are with, sometimes it is mumbled of course- as
shabbos-shabbos, but most of the time it is a loud hearty- lumberjack
style good shabbos bellowed from the depths of this persons heart.
These folks may also throw in a “good morning, how are you” which is
quite rare within the Jewish communities around New York.

The Nod:
The nod is extremely popular in Manhattan amongst the folks who
attended a black hat yeshiva at some point. For some reason modern
orthodox people never seem to bust out the nod, they usually bust out
the stare and the ignore, but the nod it seems works best with a hat
which actually exaggerates The Nod giving it more leverage and
visibility from farther distances. Of course the nod crowd also seems
to know everyone, the nod is the safe way of gaging whether you
actually know the person and they are worthy of a break in the fast
pace on the way to and from shull.

Nod/Mumble/say it twice:
The hurried mumbler crowd can also be combined with the nodders and the
doublers. This is the most common situation in very hurried cities and
tends to be most common amongst the working yeshiva crowd. It never
seems to amaze me that these folks tend to be the black hat type that
wears ties and holds a full time job in finance, nursing home
administration or mortgage sales- they also tend to be over 40.

The Eye Locker:
You are screwed, you just want to walk to shull quickly without
disturbing your thoughts about the disturbing Dr. Yael article you read
in the Jewish Press the night before and you look up for a moment while
lost in thought and bam its smack down time. As you look up to see what
street your on- you notice dead ahead someone walking towards you with
a slight knowing smirk on their face as if they were playing chicken to
see who is going to cave first. Who will wimp out and say good shabbos
first, you cant take those piercing eyes and you cave- this is “the eye
locker.”

The Invincible Wall:
Sometimes someone won’t budge, no matter what you do- how heart felt
your good shabbos is- you won’t elicit a response. It just doesn’t
matter how many times you bust out your nod and doubler, or how
piercing your eyes are- some people are just cold hearted sons of
bitches when it comes to being friendly- kind of like the Grinch Who
Stole Good Shabbos.

The Switcharoo:(racial profiling)
I know someone who has different styles of saying good shabbos
depending on what type of back round the person comes from. Kind of
like switching up their benching style they say Shabbat shalom to the
modern looking people and good shabbos to the frummer looking people.
For the ultra frum they may bow their head diagonally throw some hand
gesture they picked up in daf yomi and say gut shabbos in a dragged on
ultra thick accented tone.

Carlebachian:
Holy brother, holy sister with arms raised up to the sky going in for a
hug or kiss and then possibly dancing in a circle on the sidewalk the
true carlebachian knows how to make someone feel loved. Usually the
good shabbos is drawn out like “goooooooooooood
shabbbbbbbbbbboooooooos” and it is screamed in a loving way.

Belated:
Some people like myself are spaced out when walking to shull and we
tend to notice a bit too late that someone had even greeted us. We yell
are belated good shabbos in a way that tries to ask forgiveness for
appearing to be one of those cold as ice MF gtuys who wont say it no
matter what. Sometimes the belated crowd will go back to the person who
passed us and shake their hand with a hearty and warm good shabbos.

The Quickie Hand Shake Combo:
Your walking down the street and suddenly your old buddy says “look who
we have here”, he shakes your hand says good shabbos and is out of the
scene within 5 seconds leaving you standing there wondering where he
was off too and if you will ever see him again.

The Extended Hand Shake:
This is when your walking toward someone you know and he has his hand
already extended- kind of like old folks that put their blinkers on
about 4 blocks before their turn- although you are 30 feet away from
him, a big smile is plastered on his face and the people he is walking
with are already telling him that he is late. “What are you doing
here?” His hand holds on to your hand for a few minutes sometimes both
hands are wrapped around yours.

This is usually the opening line right after the good shabbos, then
Kiddush or Uf Ruf geography might ensue while your friend tries to
figure out who he knows that is attending the chasunah. These little
meetings happen all over the place and are always interesting to watch
how the friends of both parties shift awkwardly on their feet and
wonder what to say to the other folks who are waiting for their friend.
Maybe some awkward Jewish Geography about the neighborhood and then
everyone gathers their nerves to ask their respective persons to
continue on to shull.

Sexual Harassment:
Think about all those kids who are too shy or not allowed to talk to
girls ever. When it comes to harassing girls using the simple utterance
of “good shabbos” in a sensual or mocking tone as they pass a group of
young ladies they seem to have problem locking eyes and doing their
worse. These provocative good shabbos greetings happen all the time. In
fact I have one friend who back in the day when he was in Israel would
say “Shabutt Shalom” with motion toward the girls butt every time he
passed some hotties on the streets of Jerusalem. In fact someone made a
comment about this a while back and that’s what spawned the idea for
this post.

I need an excuse to talk to you:
Similar in a way to the “sexual harassment good shabbos.” The excuse to
talk to you- is really a great hit on chick’s line in the frum
community. Personally has never worked for me- just because I cannot
just hit on girls. But I have witnessed many a time when guys have
merely said good shabbos and something corny like “where ya from?” and
Boom they are in. This is always followed by the awkward “so…. You
guys/gals wanna go hang out somewhere?”

Axe Murderer:
Ever get that feeling that if you don’t say good shabbos back you are
likely to end up dead in back of a shull somewhere? Ever get that
feeling of cold eyes piercing through you as you pass by trying to
avoid eye contact as the person says the “if you don’t respond I am
going to kill you- good shabbos.” I have had a few of these in my day,
sometimes good shabbos pleasantries can get downright violent.

Riot Starter:
Try saying good shabbos to women or girls in some communities and it
seems like they quicken their pace as if someone was out to rape them
or something. Then next thing you know, men all around you are giving
you dirty looks as if to say, “didn’t you realize that those women
switched sides of the street when they saw you, still you tried to
initiate contact.” The person who usually committed this fatal flaw of
Charediedom by attempting to say anything to a women other then, fax
this, cook this or get off this side of the sidewalk is deeply frowned
upon in many communities, these people who commit this crime usually do
so without even realizing what grave danger they out themselves in-
Riot Starters are ignorant folks who don’t know the rules of Charedi
communities.

Instead of Excuse Me:
You hear footsteps in back of you as you and your friend walk down a
narrow sidewalk. Suddenly, 3 people brush by you on both sides choosing
to say a forced- and nasty good shabbos instead of a nice excuse me.
You can feel the wind of their jackets as they pass by you in a hurry.
They probably wouldnt say good shabbos, but these rusher types always
feel the need to look back and see if they know the people they nearly
ran over. Of course their eyes lock on and they are forced to bust out
a quick “shabbos-shabbos” and be on their way.

Blank Stare:
Out of towners, Baal Teshuvas, different races and other outcasts
within the frum tend to not know the extent of the hurriedness and
unfriendliness of big city Jews. They are used to cities like Denver or
St Louis where everyone says good shabbos and stops to talk for a bit
in the street. These folks end up saying good shabbos and not receiving
it in return- only to stand dumbfounded fists clenched at sides looking
at the people who just passed them and wondering why they did not
respond.

Gigglers:
A good shabbos that is accompanied by giggles usually because the group
of young girls wants to talk to some young looking guys but have no
idea how. They say good shabbos in unison and then giggle as they run
clumsily down the block and peer back at the guys who they hope are
walking their way.

Do I know you?
Head is tilted in a half nod, half recognition gaze with a sort of
frown on their face. Good shabbos is uttered in question form and both
parties momentarily stop stare and the move on as if nothing happened.
Both parties then discuss what just happened among their fellow walkers
and decide if they indeed did know each other and from where.

If recognition actually does occur, there is a momentarily lapse of
reason (great album by the way) And then a full onslaught of quickie
Jewish geography will ensue, this always starts with “I know you” in a
thick New York accent followed “oh yeh from Moshe Baruchs chasunah- I
sat at your table.”

Women:
Women of course have their own way of doing things and since the last
time I checked I was close but not quite yet a women I cannot bring you
the scoop. However, it does seem as if women are either really cold or
really warm to each other. My only chance to say good shabbos to solo
women is during the walk of shame period of the time when its
considered late for a man to be coming to shull and early for a women-
nothing like getting disapproving looks from every women you pass eh?

Permalink to original post and over 100 comments. 

http://frumsatire.net/2007/04/26/the-best-ways-to-mess-with-baal-teshuvas/ 

 Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,

Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,

Tell them to stand up and salute when they do hagba,

When you see a newly indoctrinated BT putting tefilin on- gasp with horror and ask them where the other arm is?

Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,

Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,

Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,

Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,

Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and
oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,

Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,

Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,

Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,

The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,

Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat
beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince
them it is a sphardi custom,

Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,

Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,

Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that
comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,

If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….

Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,

We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,

Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,

Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,

During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,

The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,

All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,

Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,

Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that
since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they
start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)

Tell them that the reason why Aish and Chabad hate each other is
because the Rebbe was Water according to his astrological sign and
water and aish dont mix well,

In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so
its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,

So these days there has been lots of talk about labels within
Judaism, just last night I was talking to my aunt who was saying that I
should go out with girls from this and that kind of schools because you
cant get a yeshivish but you also don’t want too modern. So with that
continues the saga of the labeling. How far can we go with the labels?
I know many people hate them, but with more and more people
intermarrying and such I guess it may be necessary, also the frummer
people get or think they are getting, the more people need to classify
everyone who is less frum than they are. I have decided to compile a
list of the general and not so general ways to put people into boxes.
If you have any others please feel free to send em over and I will add
them to the list. I will start with the general terms.

Charedi- You are clutching a stone in your hand
while screaming shabbos at the top of your lungs on shimon hatzadik
street at kikar shabbos. The first movie you saw was ushpizim, your
bakery has separate lines for men and women. The women in Saudi Arabia
are treated better then in your neighborhood. You cross the street and
avoiud eye contact with any women. You have friends that are part of
the Niturei Carta. You think all gays should be burned at the stake.
Boro Park and Lakewood is for the modern orthodox.

Chasidish- Tucked neatly under your fury
Shtreimel is one of those yarmulkes that is of the bright black velvet
genre. Your peyos are a source of amusement as you twiril them behind
the counter at B&H. You like driving Acura MDX and Suburbans or 15
seater vans. 21 children does not make you cringe, it brings fond
memories of going with your folks to get brachos from the Skverer
Rebbe. Goyishe anything is shtus. And you wouldn’t go to a hotel unless
they had Chasidishe Shchita. The girls tend to wear black and grey
suits while the boys in the traditional garb. You never talk to women
or look them in the eye. And your kids stare at non- Jews or
non-chasidim when they get closer then 50 feet. Your wife wears a
shietle and a hat or one of those stinking turbans. The hamodia is your
only source of news besides occasionally listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Modern Chasidish- You have a blog and a frumster
account and regularly check up on your yeshivish friends on only
simchas who are getting married. You secretly have the internet and let
your children see Lipa Shmeltzer movies once in a while. TV is still
assur even though you have one behind the mirror in your bedroom that
you smuggled into your house in an air conditioner box. You don’t cross
the street when you see women and sometimes may look them in the eye if
it’s for business. You drive the same cars as other Chasidim but
secretly long for a sports car. Your wife may own a real sheitle and
not always wear those stupid looking hats, she might even let her hair
grow in a little bit.

Flexidish- You post ads on craigslist looking for
other Chasidism to partake in a gang bang or for frum married women
looking for same. You have a blog devoted to bashing Chasidim but, you
retain your identity through your garb as one of them. You go to strip
clubs, you cheat in money matters, you know every free porn site on the
net. You have the internet, you have a TV and you watch movies. You may
even eat non chasidishe shechite like or gasp Lubavitch shechite. You
do not keep kosher or shabbos but still consider yourself frum since
you have the look!

Yeshivish Black Hat- You wear a black hat, black
velvet yarmulke and love restaurants like Chop and Nosh and Dougies.
You tend to go to the country in the summer other wise known as the
Catskills and if you are a girl you are only attracted to guys who wear
black hats and black velvet yarmulke’s. Siyum Hashas is like the super
bowl for you and Pesach in Miami is for Apicorsim. You tend not to have
a television and sometimes go to movies if its Ushpizim or something of
the sort. You don’t let your children talk to girls and if the wear red
skirts or suede yarmulkes you think they are going off the derech. You
only sit in the separate section for concerts. You ask potential
shidduch’s for your children if they stack or scrape and if they voted
for Bush or not. Your children will go to college only if it is Touro.

Yeshivish Modern- Your children all received
black hats at their bar mitzvahs but rarely wear them anymore besides
when they come home from their year in Israel for the first few months.
TV without cable is allowed and some movies as long as they are PG. You
are most likely associated with Chofetz Chaim and your kids at one
point in their lives attended Camps Sternberg or Mogane Av or Dorah
Golding or maybe Romimu. Your children go to movies without your
permission and all have Ipods with non-Jewish music. You probably turn
on the oldies station when your kids are not in the car and know every
song by heart. Your kids grow up listening to the marvelous midos
machine, 613 torah avenue and uncle Moshe. You sit in the family
section at concerts. Your children all had peyos when they were younger
but at 13 cut them off. Your children attend a school that allows
striped or even blue shirts and your husband wears a baseball cap in
the summer with a polo shirt. Your kids will go to Queens or Brooklyn
College maybe Touro but YU is out of the question. You may read the
Jewish press but the Yated is your choice of news.

Modern Orthodox Black Hat: (yeshiva wannabes)
You may wear a black hat and send your kids to yeshiva, but you would
be considered modern by any real standards. Your kids all go to
college, even YU the ultimate desecration to a child according to real
yeshiva’s. 3 TV’s all with cable and dvd players sit publicly in your
home as well as a high speed internet connection. On shabbos you don
your hat and go to one of those basement shulls- where you only see the
people there on shabbos. The boys in your family tend to go to more
yeshivish schools then the girls, Sharei Torah, Yisodei, Chofetz Chaim
and the girls probably attend Bruriah or Shulamis. Going to movies is
fine and your kids are the only ones at your shull who are allowed to
talk to the opposite sex. You try and fit into the yeshivish circles by
telling people about how hardcore your parents were and what yeshivas
they went to as well as using words like dafka, shayich, nisrynos and
nishka freilich in your daily speech so you sound frummer than you are.
Usually the father of the house states that his family is yeshivish
while everyone else in the family realizes they aren’t. That set of old
tattered shas surrounding the big flat screen aint fooling nobody

Modern Orthodox Machmir- You came home from your
year in Israel wearing a black hat and your folks were scared. You go
to YU, and was an NCSY advisor growing up. The only Jewish music you
listen to is Blue Fringe, Soulfarm, Hadag Nachash, and Matisyahu. You
are addicted to only simchas, and have an account on frumster, future
simchas, and saw you at Sinai. Visiting Shadchuns is only for frummies.
You will probably marry someone from YU or Stern and move to Washington
heights or Teanack. You probably went to a coed camp like moshava, or
morasha or mesorah. Your parents are probably less frum then you are.
You will see movies and definitely own a TV, you tend to go to bars
only if it’s a Jewish event. You read the Jewish press and Blueprint,
and are a huge Harry Potter fan. You saw Borat because everyone else
did. You went on birthright and claim to be in a shomer negia
relationship. Actually all modern ortho machmir types ever talk about
is whether or not they are “shomer”. This is also the largest category
on frumster so maybe you are only in it for marketing purposes. You
tend to live in places like Silver Springs, the north in Toronto,
Teanack, Washington heights and Cederhurst.

Modern Orthodox Liberal- You tend to wear pants,
not plan on covering your hair and the mikvah sounds like a nightmare.
Guys tend to wear baseball caps and no set type of yarmulke. You
commonly refer to yourself as open minded. Kosher in the house, but in
Cancun you may be hungry and eat a tuna sandwich or salad out. Tznius
is un-womanly, and prohibitive in your mind. There is absolutely
nothing wrong with all sorts of entertainment live and un-live. Even a
bachelor party with strippers is fine. Jewish music makes your grind
your teeth and a mechitza at a wedding pisses you off, mixed dancing
tends to be ok. But this is a big category so no making judgments. You
tend to be democrats and bush haters. You went to an Ivy league school
and went on to persue your masters. You went to any number of schools
for high school. Ramaz, local coed Hebrew academy, Yeshiva Flatbush,
Frisch, of which you consider to be yeshiva. Tefilin dates are not
unheard of, and you call the upper Westside home if you are single.
Rabbi Berman and Avi Weiss are your halachic authorities and many a
time you will banish certain things as being for the ultra-orthodox.
You read the Jewish Week and hang out in Barnes and Nobles on Friday
night after dinner. Shull on shabbos is normal but other days is
another story.

Lubavitch (non-yechi)- Crushed hats and dirty
bekishes are all the rage as are having your tzivos HaShem yarmulkes.
You tend to wear brown, red or navy blue velvet yarmulke’s. You live in
crown heights. You tend to know dvar torahs that talk about gematria’s
and random Baal Shemtov stories. You can drink Smirnoff by the gallon,
and a fabrengen is your version of a frat party. The girls tend to be
good looking in shape and dress the least tznius out of all the frummy
sects. Red is allowed and those leather hooker boots are in seen when
looking up at the women on the upper level in front of 770. Meshichism
is not talked about much but you recognize the Rebbe is gone and pray
for moshiach. Matisyahu is your role model and Aish Discovery is the
work of the devil. You have cousins and siblings in every country and
state and are related to half of crown heights.

Lubavitch (Meshichist)- The same as above including
this. You are nuts and know it. You tend to be one of those guys who
yells all day long in 770 screaming yechi with no breaks. You think the
Ohel is just another chabbad house. You tend to resemble an elvis
impersonator with your actions. You are obviously unemployed or smoke
too much crack. You sing yechi like it’s the national anthem. Your
children wear yarmulkes that have yechi written across it. You will not
daven upstairs by the Rebbe’s study because you will beaten up if you
do. Oh and the girls are still hot and untznius.

Lubavitch Modern:
By roots you are Lubavitch, but by externals you look like a normal
modern orthodox family. No messy beards, no crushed hats, the men may
even wear ties on shabbos. You may either be a meshichist or not, you
tend to do everything in terms of movies, concerts, TV and other forms
of entertainment. The women in the family usually cover their hair with
scarves and other funky but frum items. College and careers are the way
to go, no shluchim in this family. Old habits are hard to break, when
you go to a Lubavitch shull you wear an old crushed hat and immediately
morph into the messy Lubab you once were. Instinctively in any shull
you look for that old trusty Tehilat Hashem siddur and you hum “al
teera” at the end of davening even though most shulls don’t say it, you
even try and force the congregation to sing shabbos musaf kedusha to
the traditional “vehu yigalenu” tune. You may hide your identity when
meeting a fellow Lubab and at any moment you feel like playing Jewish
geography you can bust it out again.

Carlebachian- Dreads, long hair, nose rings, 420,
learning kabbalah and anything Breslov, moshav moddiin, The Dead,
Moshav Band, long flowy flower dresses, no makeup, big white wrap
around pants, tichalis in your tzitzis, rainbow yarmulkes, tapestries
adorn your walls and your succah. Spiritual and crazy at the same time.
You tend to want to live in Israel, Boulder- Colorado or
Sedona-Arizona. Things like Rainbow gatherings, burning man festival,
phish shows, and the gefilte fish crew make your stomach warm and
fuzzy. You tend to be from modern orthodox homes and somehow in Israel
wind up spending a shabbos in Bat Ayin or Mashav Modiin and you are
love stricken with all the dread locks and free weed and learning of
chassidus. You tend to be a cross between a Breslover and a Lubavitcher
with a little Alan Ginsburg thrown in the mix. You tend to keep halacha
mostly besides hugging the opposite sex and drugs.

Shomer Mitzvot- This one’s on frumster and as far
as I can tell it is basically people who are frum but don’t like that
term. I would figure shomer mitzvoth would be the frummest of them all.
Keeping halacha with out all the BS, kind of like orange juice without
the pulp.

Conservadox- You are conservative but do not
support the recent decision to ordain gay rabbis. You keep a kosher
home, you eat Hebrew National, you probably eat milk and veggie out of
the house. Your shull has no mechitza but every one sits separately.
You speak Yiddish and half a bunch of orthodox relatives. You grew up
religious but drifted away. Your children will probably intermarry and
will either love or hate you and your old school ways. You vote
Democratic unless you are from the south. You look at the ingredients
to decide if its kosher. Ratners and 2nd avenue deli bring back fond
childhood memories.

Flexidox- One week you are frum the next you are
seen at McDonalds eating a cheeseburger. You were one of those kids who
was labeled as a kid at risk by the 1996 Jewish Observer article. You
used to be a big fan of Metallica and hang out on avenue J in Flatbush
trying to pick up girls. You have your highs and lows, you may attend
those shmuzim given by Rabbi Shafier from theshmuz.com to get inspired.
You tend to have only Jewish friends and go to Jewish parties. Kosher
meat is anything with split hooves and chewing of cud. Keeping kosher
is hard in New York for you. Modern orthodoxy is against the way you
were brought up. You are a product of priority one and Niveh or Ner
Jake. Oxy cotton and zanax are all the rage. You play a lot of online
poker and tend to download tons of movies.

612 Mitzvahdox 612er for short– You are frum, you
go to shachris, you learn every day bchavrusa, and you keep 100%
kosher. You tend to wear a yarmulke wherever you go and rarely watch
movies or TV. You just can’t give up sexual contact with the opposite
sex. You love sex and you have tons of it. I know tons of people like
this by the way. They are frum yidden besides for active sex lives. You
know tefilin dates. What’s a guy/girl to do?

Athiestadox- Jews who do everything with regards to
frumkeit but have absolutely no belief in what they are doing. It is
either done for routine, you know like without tzitzis on it just
doesn’t feel right. Or it is done because they live in a frum community
and don’t want to leave. Free shabbos meals and good food is one reason
I can think of. Maybe Jewish booty turns them on or maybe they were
brought up like this and have no head for perusing the truth with
regards to what makes them happy.

Ruraldox- The closest orthodox shull is 100 miles a
way so you attend the Reform Temple, until Chabad can move to your
town. The mikvah is a secret swimming home under a bridge, and closest
thing to kosher meat is extra firm tofu. You have never met another
orthodox kid your age until you went to Israel. You had no idea that
there were Jewish schools. You love the way bacon smells when being
fried up. A double barrel shotgun evokes memories of your first trap
shoot. You only wore your yarmulke once inside the temple and never
told anyone you were Jewish. You have no Jewish friends, and the temple
had services only twice a month. The closest thing to Chanukah you have
seen in a store were menorah Christmas ornaments.

Kahanadox- You tend be a proud mizrachi, taking p
space in a yeshuv or in Passaic and you carry your machine gun to shull
ready to mow down any Arabs that get in your way. Your nickname may be
the exterminator and it has nothing to do with working as an Orkin man.
You say hallel on Yom Haatzmout and on the day Rabin was assassinated.
Your hero is Baruch Goldstein and you support Bush as long as he keeps
up to date on his “crusade”. You are a religious Zionist and proud of
it. You children’s names all end with “ah” for the boys and “et” for
the girls (Yonah, or Ayelet).

Femidox- You proclaim yourself as orthodox but cant
stand the men having mitzvos that you do not, after all you want to be
as frum as possible. All women’s megillah readings, your own mezumins
and wearing tefilin and talis is your thing. Yarmulkes are not
necessary since you are already wearing a sheitle, but you wear tefilin
because Rashi’s daughters wore them, while you learn gemara just
because. You feel that mechitza’s are demeaning but know inside that
halacha prevails. The girls in the family always sing at shabbos lunch.
Kol Isha does not apply to you because if it’s a duet you cannot
discern the voices. Rabbi Avi Weiss is your hero as well as Shmuely
Boteach.

Issurdox- Everything is strict in your house. You
check your lettuce under a lamp with a magnifying glass. Your gasoline
has to be kosher for pesach. You dont eat matzo on Pesach except for
the first night because it may become gebrokts in your mouth. A kosher
home has to have a Pesach kitchen. The internet is for non-believers
and heretics. TV is strictly forbidden and you cross the street when
passing by an electronics store. Whatever the problem you always go
lichatchila or machmir. You shecht your own chickens ever since the
Monsey fiasco. Red is strictly forbidden as is anything that makes a
woman appear to have breasts or body parts at all. There is no such
thing as cholov stam. Sit ins are the only way your kids will marry.
Your shull has no mechitza, just a slot for the women in the front row
to see down through the cieling onto the bima. Your weddings have
seperate buildings for men and women. You find the Hamodia to be too
liberal since they have ads of things that write their websites.

Veganox- Yom Kippur is your favorite holiday
because there is no mitzvah to eat meat or fish and you cannot wear
leather. You have gotten a heter to wear synthetic tefilin straps. You
make a mean gefilte tofu. Your cholent is really just soy chilli. For
kapporos you use a rubber ducky or a duck decoy- that you unfortunately
have to buy in a hunting store. You fully agreed with PETA when they
caqme out with the report on Rubashkins. Shavuos is a soy milk holiday
for you. While people argue about politics in shull you argue about
karbunos and what a vegan cohen gadol is supposed to do. You have
different stories for every type of Jew when they ask you how you
became a veggetarian- because most Jews do not know what a vegan is.
Most people think you are crazy- and sometimes while shmoozing at a
kick ass smoargasboard you wonder it yourself.

Homodox
You admire Isaac Mizrahi, You have no intention of marriage. For a
bachelor, you have a really clean apartment! You admire “Rabbi” Steve
Goldstein. Your favorite film is “Trembling Before G-D” You’re having
an online betting on when YCT will follow JTS’s lead and become
inclusive to gays. Your favorite director is Eytan Fox. You took your
mother to “Fiddler on the Roof” on Broadway because you admire Harvey
Fierstein. You were disappointed he played Tevye, not Goldie. You place
ads on craigslist looking for “hot YU guys” and you know how to cook
and talk about wine. You love queer eye for the straight guy and wish
that sex in the city was with guy characters.

Permalink- to original post and comments.

http://frumsatire.net/2007/05/01/the-all-inclusive-guide-to-judging-and-labeling-every-orthodox-jewish-sect/

Originally posted on my blog http://frumsatire.net

Many people I know keep negia, they brave the dark waters of
celibacy and refrain from touching the opposite sex until marriage.
They piss and moan about how they could be getting some and how much
they miss their sex filled college days and so on. All of the sudden
these same people are seen hugging women, sometimes kissing them on the
cheek and I even get these random late night phone calls from
supposedly shomer negia folks who just got some action. Based upon my
experiences there are many sub-categories within the folks who claim to
keep negia.

SUO- shomer until opportunity:
This crowd is very common I have noticed, these are the folks who are
100% shomer until they wind up at some after work party with some
hottie hitting on them. The second the women show interest their once
fervent stance on keeping negia is lost to the prospect of some steamy
action. I think that many of these folks are the types that have hooked
up with girls/guys in the past and know how good it can be. These SOU’s
tend to not be the lifelong negia types. The folks who tend to be SOU’s
are usually older singles, Modern Orthodox Machmir, flexidox and
yeshiva rebels who frummed out in Israel- sorta.

Shomer N’fooling Around:
These folks are shomer when it comes to getting intimate, but when it
comes to having folks sit next to them, put their arms around them or
give them hugs they see no problem with this. Also in this crowd are
those folks that think sleeping in the same bed with their “good
friend” of the opposite sex- is no problem at all and they are just
friends. The folks in this crowd tend to be from Modern Orthodox
Liberal homes that brought them up in a very mixed yet protected
lifestyle. Touching is not bad before marriage but intimacy is.

SUE- shomer until engaged:
I can definitely relate to this category, I was engaged after all and
have come to the conclusion that unless you live in a community with
separate sidewalks for men and women- you have probably experienced
this sort of thing. I have spoken to many friends of mine many of whom
are full time Kollel and Rebbe types who have confirmed my suspicions.
Most of them deny getting all hot and steamy in the back seat of their
blue and wood paneled Chevy wagons held with bungee cords, but they do
admit to holding hands and hugging in dark corners of the top floor of
the midtown Marriott. I guess if you were shomer until you got enaged
you have to be higher then the MO-dox

SBD- Shomer by default:
If you could get some you probably would not be shomer, but since your
too stupid to figure out how to use chat rooms, the casual encounter
ads on craigslist and the poking mechanism on facebook you have
resigned yourself to a life of free porn and staring at women over the
mechitza. This category is filled up by nerdy and ugly folks who think
they don’t have a chance in the world to get some action. Let me tell
you something, anyone can get some if they tried just a little. These
are the type of folks that never speak up when their friends are
conversing with someone from the opposite sex and usually their friends
are too rude to introduce them.

SCT- Shomer cock tease:
I know its hard to belive that this exists but it does. Some women just
love to see men squirm and wonder how such beauty could be saved for
some guy in the near future. These women tend to be future hot chanie
and sheitle hooker types unless they already are. They prance around
all hot and done up, yet they act like they are all frum by telling you
they are shomer- almost spitting it in your face in fact.

SIP- Shomer in public:
They act shomer, but didn’t you just see them hug that person or give
them one of those reassuring massages that is basically a come on
without actually doing anything to frontal. I know plenty of these
folks, they are with their girl/boy friends and they don’t touch, they
even sit a little away from each other to act all frum and then boom- a
casual look under the table will reveal all hell is going on under
there. Footsie aint like it was when I was growing up.

ESN- extreme shomer negia:
I had this Rebbe in high school who would clear a line of people
whenever him or his wife had to exit shull. These are the types that
slam your change down on the counter rather them drop it in your hand.
These types also avoid eye contact as if that would make them want to
jump your bones and they try and act as rude as possible so you don’t
try and do anything stupid. These folks tend to identify with the
charedi movement and agree with the Saudis on many of their shomer
negia policies besides the honor killing stuff. These people also tend
to drink lots of mountain dew and ride skateboards for fear of walking
on the same ground as the opposite sex.

SBHS- shomer besides hand shakes:
Classic modern orthodoxy and even some of the frummier types will shake
a woman’s hand when the time calls for it. I don’t think there is
anything wrong with it. As Tupac says in the song “you wonder why they
call you bitch- business strictly business.”

SUD- shomer unless drunk:
I have a friend who would hook up with girls at parties when he got
drunk. He would call me up and tell me he did something stupid and I
knew exactly what it was, then he would learn some mussar and go about
his business with that feeling of guilt they pound into you during
yeshiva.

MSN- Militant Shomer Negia:
Does your town have one of those Vaad Hatznius organizations that
believes in threatening people because they may not keep negia? Have
you heard of guys/gals being beat up because they were seen talking to
each other? Separate halls at weddings for the men and women since the
Berlin Wall style mechitza’s are just not enough? When all else fails,
the charedim take to the streets to protest some sort of event in which
guys/gals may see each other. MSN folks are the type who would rather
see intermarriage then have groups like NCSY and any other sort of coed
programs. They also tend to believe in complete seperation unless its
child conceiving time, basically the women slaves over the child
rearing and food making while the man slaves over a gemara or diamond
counter. Looking at the opposite sex is counted as breaking shomer
negia.

SUH- shomer until horny:
These are my favorites, the folks who are hardcore shomer until they
cant take the pressure anymore. I am sure many of you may feel the same
way. In fact I was at the Homowack with my father a few years ago and I
met two single girls in their upper 20s. We got into a conversation
about being shomer negia and they revealed that besides holding hands
they, like good bais yaakov girls had never touched a guy. They also
revealed that they had made a pact, not unlike the one in the first
American Pie, in which they had both agreed to go out and have sex if
they weren’t married by 30, I said why wait? They haven’t contacted me
as of yet. Since many bloggers happen to be single women I am curious
if many of them feel this way. I also wonder about those frum older
singles- are they similar to the 40 year old virgin movie?

Read the nearly 200 comments posted on my blog:

http://frumsatire.net/2007/06/12/what-type-of-negia-do-you-keep/

Hacía varios años que no visitaba “La Morada” la casa del feminismo chileno. La oportunidad fue asistir a la segunda y última presentación del más reciente best seller de Naomi Klein: La Doctrina del Shock. A pesar de mis dudas iniciales, valió la pena.

El periplo de Klein en Santiago fue intenso, venía de ser la estrella de la Feria el Libro de Buenos Aires y el día anterior había estado en el Salón de Honor de la Universidad de Chile donde fue seguida con atención por buena parte del red-set criollo. En la tradicional casona feminista de calle Purísima se agolpó una interesante mezcla de público, desde el ‘progre’ crítico hasta jóvenes globalofóbicos en búsqueda de respuestas. Esto últimos la convirtieron ipso facto en icono y nueva cicerone antiimperialista, a pesar de su explicito rechazo a ser considerada una “gurú”

¿Pero que es lo que seduce de ‘la Klein’? como la llamó un embelesado Pancho Huneeus. Bueno, varias cosas: Primero –huelga decirlo- que es joven, buenamoza, y cuida de su cabello. Luego porque ha sido capaz de convertir sus ideas de crítica radical al sistema, en un best seller al alcance y entendimiento de cualquier hijo de vecino.

Lo que pasa (y es imprescindible que lo aprecien por si mismos) es que la difusión de su idea la hace a través de un breve documental (ganador de numerosos premios) disponible en internet, convirtiendo así, a los maître pensée estructuralistas franceses en unos inleíbles mamotretos, a los seguidores del postmodernismo benjamin-derrideano en unos insufribles derrotistas y las iterativas letanías de Chomsky y Said en enmaraña erudición lingüista.

Es que La Doctrina del Schock es en sí mismo “documental/website/sala de ventas”. Es la επιφάνεια [epifanía] del marketing y el brading del estratégico y helénico periodista Oscar Saavedra, el sueño de la difusión hypermoderme del rizomático profesor Álvaro Cuadra y la excelsitud de un buen C.C.C. + Trading (Concepto central creativo) del televisivo productor, Daniel de la Fuente, por nombrar chilenos que no les será indiferente el libro de Klein.

No hay duda, Naomi klein se convirtió en la sepulturera del Intelectual orgánico (sí quedaba alguno por ahí pataleando) y el azote del tecnoburócrata prógre. Hasta el sibilino El Mercurio le dedicó dos planas completas en su edición dominical. Su documental reproducido cientos de miles de veces en Youtube, es el adiós de los estudiantes de pregrado para el marcusiano Eros and Thanatos, el enrevesado Sein und Zeit heideggeriano y la monumental The Theory of Communicative Action habermasiana ¿Quien tiene tiempo hoy para leerlos? A llegado el tiempo de The Shock Doctrine, que entrega “el concepto” en sólo siete minutos, con relato, música, imágenes... ¡Y gratis!.

Se trata de uno de los mejores procesos de creación de valor de una marca (brand equity) mediante la administración estratégica del conjunto total de activos y pasivos vinculados en forma directa o indirecta al nombre y/o símbolo. En este caso, una idea: “cuándo las sociedades están en shock es el momento de aplicar reformas estructurales porque la reacción es insignificante” y “el Chile de Pinochet y Sergio de Castro fue el primer lugar dónde se probó esta doctrina”, que denomina “capitalismo del desastre”.

¿Críticas? Por supuesto, siendo rigurosos su tesis hace agua por varios lados. Demasiadas generalizaciones e inexactitudes. Para nosotros, mapochinos, es fácil advertir los pasos forzados sobre el caso chileno y el tiempo de Pinochet. Pero “la Klein” es transparente y reafirma que no desea hacer historia, ciencia política o sociología. La canadiense es fiel con su rol periodístico de “traducir” realidades y conceptos complejos a públicos amplios, sin pretensión de objetividad, sólo de veracidad. Si se prefiere, en términos bungueanos podría cumplir los tradicionales cuatro criterios de evaluación de una teoría: Apropiabilidad, validez (consistencia interna y externa), predicción y fundamentalmente valor heurístico y función comunicativa.

Por último, una apostilla que esclarece esta posición.

Lo que pasa es que ella y su marido, el también documentalista Avram (Avi) Lewis, son herederos y representantes de un mundo que es parte de la identidad de América del Norte pero que aquí en Chile es prácticamente desconocido: el horizonte de los Arbeiter Ring y su producción intelectual. Redes de conversación, amistad y activismo típicos de la ilustrada y anti-MacCartista (hoy anti-NeoCon) lefty norteamericana. El matrimonio Klein-Lewis es confluencia a su vez de enraizadas corrientes de "afinidad electiva" (Wahlverwandtschaft), me refiero al Yiddishkeith, el Labour Movement, la New Left y el revival religioso del Tikún Olam. Ideas que tienen un tímido correlato sudaca que se puede hallar básicamente en el ikufismo argentino (Yidisher Kultur Farband) y el Buenos Aires Idisch. Usé la weberiana palabreja porque incluye tanto las ideas como los afectos 'tribales' y Klein no escapa a ellos.

Klein es hija de un médico, activista contra la guerra de Vietnam y de Bonnie Sherr Klein, documentalista feminaria. Es también nieta de un sindicalista del movimiento obrero, y hermana del director del Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives. Avi es nieto de Moshe Losz (Lewis) un aguerrido bundista polaco radicado en Montreal en los 20's. En síntesis, ella es en sí misma resultado de la historia industrial y política de las urbes de la zona de los Grandes Lagos y la Costa Este. Naomi Klein es a la vez; producto, víctima y usuaria, látigo y vergajo del capitalismo avanzado y los mass media.

Rough Draft - (work in progress) [and would apprechiate any feedback]

I've been pondering stuff to do with language, interpretation and abstraction with regards to rabbinical interpretation of biblical texts.

For Contemporary Judaism the Mishna, Talmud and more recent codifiers of Talmudic law strongly define the nature of religious thought, life and practise.

There is a culture that saturates Orthodoxy which honours and glorifies the rabbis of old. It matters only marginally how long they have been dead, it matters more how accomplished, devout and esteemed they are remembered and recognised to have been.

This culture is very selective about the nature of any criticism pointed towards any rabbi or indeed any logic, hermeneutical rule they may or may not have used to interpret the biblical or other text and its impact on actual religious observance.

There are far too many elements to describe accurately the nature of this culture and far too many issues to aim criticism at, to fairly give them all the attention they need to be described within their larger societal context.

The one point that I would like to focus and aim my criticism at is the prevalent use of abstraction throughout Rabbinic thought and interpretation.

One may argue that by definition ‘all thought is abstract’ and therefore any discussion and interpretation of text, that is anything but absolutely literal, is going to by necessity need to employ abstraction to sensibly interpret the text.

There are different approaches to the interpretation of any text, but with a text of greater significance it’s ‘correct’ interpretation becomes increasingly important.

A simple example might be, a piece of text in a Health and Safety handbook. It needs to speak to it potential audience in a way that communicates clearly and precisely, where there is little room for ambiguity and overly abstract interpretation that may in fact lead inaccurate medical treatments or first aid procedures.

So there is a responsibility on the author of any given text to communicate effectively whether this be in a style that allows for clear and literal interpretation or a more ambiguous, open ended and multiple interpretation, and many varieties in between.

But there is also a responsibility on the reader to judge accurately the nature of the text and choose the interpretation and response that is appropriate. This choice depends largely on what the reader wants to get from the text.

It is this dependency on the readers own personal and cultural worldview that leads to a variety of possible interpretations of any one given text.

However it is the actual worldview and choice of interpretational styles of the Talmudic characters that both puzzles and interests me.

The Bible is the primary text that the Mishnahic and Talmudic discussion use as their source text.

But if I may continue, my interest comes in part from my current religious irritation. The biblical text Deuteronomy 6:4–9 the ‘Shema’ speaks of the Oneness of God and the commandment to Love God with all your souls, hearts and being etc…

However the Mishnah and Talmud which uses the Mishnah as it’s core text seems to be more interested in the technicalities of actually when, where and how one is obliged to utter the ‘Shema’.

The original text as I understand says;

“Listen Israel, God Yourgod God is one!
And you shall love God Yourgod with all your hearts, with all your souls and with all your being. And these things, which I command you this day, (put them) on your heart, repeat them to your children, and speak about them when you sit in your house, and when you travel on the way and when you go to sleep and when you wake up. Bind them that they shall be on your hands and they shall be a meditation between your eyes.”

And just in case the reader was not sure of what the intention of the author of the bible means, the second paragraph continues:

“And behold if you listen, you will hear the commandments that I command you (plural) this day to love God Yourgod and serve, with all your hearts, with all your souls.”

For me it is obvious that the main commandment and content of the text is asking it’s audience to Love and to Serve God Yourgod with all of their hearts, souls etc…

However and this is where it gets interesting, the authors of the Mishna and the Talmud don’t seem to focus on the poetic and inspirational element of the biblical text but rather on its prescriptive, formulaic and utilitarian directives.

The classical discussion in the Talmud (Mas. Berachoth 10b) focuses exclusively on the second to last line of the first paragraph.

“and when you go to sleep and when you wake up.”

See here for the text http://www.jewcy.com/node/11468#

Beit Hillel and Shammi seem to be arguing on the when and how of saying the ‘Shema’.

They both implicitly agree that it is a biblical command to say it – although ‘saying the Shema’ isn’t a clear directive from the text as far as I’m aware. In fact later on the Talmud a rabbi says that there is not biblical commandment to say the formal words of the Shema, but rather the text was referring to the entire Torah, which Moses had repeated that day as seen the preceding Deuteronomy text.

The point that I’m interested in, is why the rabbis and editors of both the Talmud and Mishah, chose to interpret and understand this clearly inspirational text as merely a formulaic directive to repeat it, and why they chose to focus on whether or not one stands or lies-down in the morning or evening etc…

Clearly they saw the text as being something like an instruction manual and not a work of inspiration.

But in doing so, they actually ignore and seem to miss the entire message in the text.

Obviously there are problems with my assumptions, firstly that the text existed in its current format in the time of the Mishna?

Also logically, if they understand the text to be a proscriptive direction of how and when to say the Shema, and nothing to do with Loving God, why do they ignore the direction; “speak about them when you sit in your house, and when you travel on the way”. And abstract that particular directive ‘away’, because it doesn’t seem practical to focus on exclusively on the Shema and also sit in your house or walk by the way?

My problem is that I don’t understand what type of intellectual culture and philosophy of interpretation would make sense of such an outcome? To move from a work of inspiration and learn something within that text which is so utterly devoid of inspiration but fully of prescription?

The only idea that I have come up with is that the culture of rabbinic Judaism as we have it documented seems almost obsessed with the details and at times looses sight of the bigger picture. This I am told was one of Jesus’ arguments with the Pharisees.

It feels that in the above example of the Shema that the rabbis involved in the discussion and by default much of the Mishna and Talmud must have been written and populated by the ancient version of today’s lawyers and accountants.

It is all about the law, to such an abstracted extent that the internal logics of rabbinic law not only interpret biblical text but make redundant laws that are explicit within the biblical text or they make halachically prescriptive laws which those allusions to are at best vague and in most cases completely lacking any biblical source and rather conform to a prevalent societal belief or mythology.

Huge amounts of information
Not at all to do with me
All this stuff speaks alienation
All I want is to be free
Sense the time has come again
To sail away to another land
To fix my sights on inner peace
To feel its beach
Walk through the sand
Rights have wronged
Again in time
That is what I am
God is my body and my mind
Waking like a Gnostic redeemer
I bring the due of salvation
It is not something that is new
But stuff you know and always did
That rhyme and reason have fallen
And being has taken it’s place
Ahh to breathe of this realisation
To taste the flesh in my heart
This is a psalm
One that has no parts

Una buena noticia para el mundo judío que piensa. Zeek, la revista judía de pensamiento y cultura contemporánea se asoció con Jewcy. La nueva casa está aquí.

Rachel Barenblat una de las editoras de Zeek, joven escritora y estudiante de rabinato advierte que no se trata de una fusión, es “una empresa conjunta”. Jewcy busca ser un hosting para la publicación en red de sitios editoriales para “lectores jóvenes y culturalmente omnívoros en búsqueda de sentidos y comunidad” y Zeek desea más lectores y una presencia sólida y flexible en internet. Se trata de un win-win porque la debilidad de Jewcy eran la ausencia de contenidos más académicos y la traba para Zeek era un diseño con pocas posibilidades de interacción y "aislado". Con todo, los archivos de Zeek 2002-2007 siguen alojados en el antiguo dominio, y van a permanecer allí. Pero el nuevo material se publicará ahora en jewcy.com / Zeek. La revista mantendrá su independencia editorial y continuará con la publicación de la versión impresa. El último número (120 páginas) de marzo pasado es una antología del espacio ruso-judío sobre arte,ficción y poesía.

El número de mayo está imperdible: El 60° aniversario de la independencia de Israel. Y no crean que se trata de un tema repetido. Zeek durante años ha reflexionado sobre asuntos judíos con prescindencia de Israel, una suerte de política no oficial que contiene la convicción (compartida) que el desarrollo del judaísmo no puede basarse de modo compulsivo en la cuestión israelí. Algo que la judeidad norteamericana tienen claro y que la latinoamericana le cuesta asumir: Que la judeidad no se agota en la reflexión postsionista, por el contrario esta última es parte de una larga y feraz creación de lo judío contemporáneo. Cómo sea, este número o desea escapar a la mirada aguda de sus columnistas. Ya están online tres poemas de Rivka Miriam, (Jerusalén 1952- ) la hija del renombrado escritor idischista Leib Rochma y una entrevista al director de Joseph Cedar's Beaufort, la primera película israelí nominada para un Premio Oscar desde 1984.

Espero que la unión Zeek/Jewcy tenga los pingües o debería decir “jugosos” (Jewcy significa algo así como judío-jugoso) resultados que esperan sus entusiastas responsables. Por mi parte aún parte aún persevero en poder en algún momento emprender una aventura similar a Zeek/Jewcy o la más relajada Heeb/Jewishschool pero en lengua española. Experimentos previos sirven como ensayo y error. La Palabra Ismaelita y El Golem Chiliani por mi parte; Kiosk la prima aventura de Paula Calderon por traer aire fresco a los jóvenes judeochilenos; y las trasandinas Tel Aví, (en broma) y Horizonte (en serio) son algunos ejemplos de este difícil derrotero.

Lo que pasa es que el arribo de un soporte que repase a contrapelo "lo judío" por parte de sus "habitantes" andinos es ineluctable. si se me permite un poco de Ostalgie insurreccional: Como Fídel dijo en los 60's: "Nosotros
consideramos que este continente tiene en su vientre una criatura que se llama Revolución, que viene en camino y que inexorablemente, por ley biológica, por ley social, por ley de la historia tiene que nacer. Y nacerá de una forma o de otra. El parto será institucional, en un hospital o será en una casa. Serán ilustres médicos o será la partera quien recoja la criatura.
Pero de todas maneras, habrá parto".

Es decir; No cabe duda que al igual que en América del Norte, Europa e Israel, Latinoamérica es fértil campo para una reflexión desenfadada y critica respecto a su habitar judío. Existen las personas apropiadas (jóvenes judíos chilenos, argentinos, íberos, aztecas, olím, etc.), están las vivencias tan propias de nuestra vivencia latina, la visión común a sido compartida en varias ocasiones; falta el tiempo y la resolución de ponerse en movimiento.

I
remember vividly as a child marching in the Israel parades in suburban
Detroit. I am not sure how far these marches even went - maybe only a
mile. No matter. Marching as a kid with hundreds of Jews from my camps,
and with Jews from every generation is a highlight of my childhood. I
cherish this memory. It stood out as inspirational, amidst a Jewish
communal life that was sorely lacking inspiration. Not until Jewish
summer camp was being Jewish that exciting. When I read about Walk the Land’s
effort to create Israel walks world-wide in solidarity with Israel on
her 60th birthday, it brought back those marches and that great
feeling.

The Afikim Foundation based in NY, in solidarity with Keren Kayemeth
LeIsrael - aka the JNF abroad - has implemented a worldwide effort
called Walk the Land in
celebration of Israel’s 60th Anniversary. They hope to foster a sense
of worldwide unity in support of Israel, and have already more than 100
cities participating.

If you want to participate, check out the list of cities
and then register. If you want to start your own walk in your own
community, contact them as well. Walkers get some neat swag and a
feeling of being part of a worldwide effort. Even Jews in Mumbai are
doing it.

The organizers have prepared a very comprehensive support system to
help communities that want to undertake a walk - whether as part of a
larger city walk or on their own. You can use the march to raise funds
for important causes. They are distributing large banners with imprints
of Israel - and if you hurry they may still have backpacks, water
bottles and t-shirts to compliment your walk.

If you can’t BE in Israel for Yom Haatzmaut, you can Walk the Land instead.

P.s. They are also raffling off ten free trip to Israel!

My friend Cat and I have been talking about going to a Shabbat service all year, but we're both busy college students and could never find a Friday evening when we were both free. With finals starting next week, our schedules finally matched up and we attended our first Shabbat service in Manhattan. Well, my first Shabbat service ever. Which is precisely why I refused to go alone.

I'm not going to lie, I do consider myself Jewish, but at this point, it's kind of more "barely Jewish". I was born Jewish but raised Catholic, which is just a confusing happenstance all around. I've been "finding myself" since I got to college, if you'll forgive the cliché, and decided to give this Judaism thing a try. I've been doing lots of reading, but the books don't tell you exactly how to be a good Jew. But maybe I'm just reading the wrong books.

Regardless, going to my first service that wasn't a Bar or Bat Mitzvah was an intimidating experience. I asked Cat what I should wear and she wasn't sure herself. So I flipped to the Shabbat section of Jewish Literacy. Nothing. Cat was sure to remind me last week, for my first seder, that I had to cover my shoulders, so I figured that would be a safe bet for this night as well. Was I supposed to make sure my knees weren't exposed, either? I'm still learning and I'm terrified of being inadvertently disrespectful. So I Googled Shabbat attire, settled on a black short sleeve shirtdress and two inch heels, and headed to go meet Cat.

We followed the crowd and stood outside for a while, mentioning to a few people that we were new to this congregation and asking for tips. A board member sat us down and welcomed us to ask any questions.

I was never a good Catholic, but part of my idea of religious services still reverts automatically back to the Catholic church. I was somehow almost surprised that there weren't pews, but rather seats arranged in a radiating circle outward from the center. "Much more comfortable than pews, right?" Cat joked. I picked up the Siddur and Cat reminded me that it's not ever supposed to touch the floor, and if it does, I'd have to kiss it. I noticed a guy to my right look horrified to see one on the floor, pick it up, kiss it, and clutch it for the remainder of the service.

The website said there would be transliterations for those "not comfortable with reading Hebrew." Maybe we should have asked for that. Because the Siddurim we had only contained Hebrew and English translations. Cat could hold her own, but I was just focused on being proud of myself for knowing which way to turn the pages on the first try.

I have to say, my favorite part of the service, apart from the downright beauty of the synagogue itself and the enchanting voice of the female rabbi, was when, suddenly, half the congregation got up and started dancing. This definitely never happened in any Catholic church that I'd heard of. Cat and I were tempted to join in, but our sore feet and heels thought otherwise, so we remained intrigued onlookers.

All in all, though I had no idea what was going on for 98 percent of the service, I enjoyed myself. And even the self-conscious part of me felt assured that no one was pointing and staring, asking "who's that girl and why isn't she doing this right?" Which is precisely why I love Judaism. Even though I know even less of the rituals than I did in Catholicism (which is saying something--I could do the sign of the cross and sometimes remembered to say "and also with you" when someone reached out a hand and said, "peace be with you," but anything outside of that, I was lost) I have never felt judged. I didn't go to mass when I was younger because I didn't know what I was doing and felt that everyone was judging me. But every Jew I've ever spoken to has made it a point to tell me that Judaism is about learning, not about getting it right the first time.

So I may not have gotten it right the first time, certainly not with my attempts to keep kosher for Passover and then enjoying cookie dough ice cream and General Tso's chicken, but I'm learning. And that's the important thing. 

Join Maitsyahu and Rabbi Yonah at the Beale Street Music Festival on
May 2 4, 2008. Beale Street is one of the premier music festivals in
the US —The Black Crowes, Santana, My Chemical Romance, Matisyahu, and
many others— with three days of music and street parties in downtown
Memphis. It’s a weekend not to miss!

*Matisyahu is headlining Saturday night, and will join festival
goers Friday night, May 2 for a free shabbat dinner, just blocks from
the festival stages.

*This event is FREE and geared towards Jewish college students and young professionals (ages 18-26)
and sponsored by Jewlicious, Birthright Israel NEXT, and Hillel of Memphis.

*Seating is limited to 150 — registration is strongly recommended.

RSVP For Dinner | Learn More About the Festival | Facebook Event

Here's a moment of remembrance for all those lives that were lost in the Armenian Genocide.  May we all work together to stop the cycle of Genocide!

With Warm Regards,

Peace Love Unity 

Like any problem or any idea, you can choose to look at it
from a perspective that will solve it or improve it, or you can look at it in a
way that keeps it around longer or makes it worse. You can see this throughout history—a very
simple example is Lavoisier’s little experiment in which he ‘discovered’
oxygen, as if before this experiment people didn’t know that they were
breathing, or that if they called stuff they were inhaling ‘air’ they were less
intelligent. I remember reading his
scientific paper, and as he compiled his data, he had a choice. We aren’t taught this choice, that helps the
myth of science continue, that the data interprets itself, but there was a
choice. He could have taken this data
and tinkered with the old theory to make the data fit within it, or he could start a
whole new theory. He chose the latter,
and began an era where humans began to create the world we live in, rather than
be at the mercy of a nature that can be cruel at times. From our present world, no one would argue
that Lavoisier should have bolstered the theory of phlogiston. Phlogiston just didn’t have the potential for
the creation of new materials. The
periodic table gave us such leverage and power.
This is simple, it is not controversial.

But what about social problems? We do the same thing. I try, here, to write essays that are
parallel to current events, that is, they are relevant but outside of the
static of contemporary debates. Can’t do
it today. Yesterday John McCain visited
an area of Appalachia last visited by Lyndon
Johnson, the area where Johnson announced his war on poverty. McCain visited because the area was
just as poor as it was 40 years ago.
Let’s just say, the ideas Johnson and Co.
brought to the table to solve poverty didn’t work. And this is an example, the plans and
conceptions of Johnson and Co., of approaching a problem with a perspective
that will keep the problem around longer, or in some cases, make it worse. This essay, though, isn’t about poverty and
the solutions. (Although we still know what poverty is, and I believe we now
know what will not work to solve it.)

This essay is about racism, about the problem of racism and
its history in the US. Here is the wrong way to think about racism,
this method, for instance:

Since the beginning writing of the Constitution Blacks have
been systematically…blah, blah, blah…and then in the Missouri Compromise…blah
blah…Civil War…Emancipation Proclamation…blah blah…share croppers…KKK…Jim
Crow…Brown vs Board…Civil Rights Movement…blah blah…and so on.

This narrative is the exact way to keep racism as a problem
in the US. The history of racism in the US is actually
millions and millions on ‘tiny’ histories, histories of individuals and how
they learned to—and here is our first choice—did they learn to hate or did they
lose their ability to feel compassion?
Here’s my choice—the opposite of racist feelings are compassionate
feelings. And so the question shifts to
the many ways in which people lose their ability to feel compassion for others. When there is no compassion in a person’s
heart, there is racism, anti-Semitism, bigotry, and cruelty. There doesn’t even have to be hatred. That’s one of the myths of racism, that there
has to be hatred.

Let’s go back to 1962, to the Millgram experiments, where
people in a laboratory setting had no trouble pushing a button that would have
theoretically killed another person—because throughout these psychological
experiments, the idea of the importance of following the instructions of an
authority figure displaced feelings of compassion in the subject. So, hatred is not necessary for racism. The ‘killers’ in the Millgram Experiments
worked themselves to point where they didn’t care one way or the other about
their ‘victims’. If there were pangs of
guilt in those who would eventually kill, if the staged screams of pain from
their victims began to bother the button pushers, they were told in a tone
lacking emotion that the victims also volunteered for this exercise. They were willing participants, please
continue administering the procedure—which was eventually a simulated lethal
electric shock.

The lack of compassion was crucial to the design of the Nazi
gas chambers. Before the gas chambers
were invented, German soldiers and officers had to personally kill their
victims, the old women and old men, the children—they would see their
faces. And at the end of the day, in the
dark of night, the Germans would go back to their tents or barracks and kill
themselves. The gas chambers were a
dispassionate way to murder, simply by pushing a button in the most
dispassionate way, thousands were killed at one time. No hatred necessary, no compassion was
necessary. That is why prisoners didn’t
have names, they became numbers.

It is possible, without compassion, for a human heart to be
replaced with a less than human heart. Here
is our second choice—is this a metaphor, human heart/nonhuman heart, or is
there something within us that is real and that something we shall call a literal metaphor is the best way to describe
it. For, if the heart is no more than a
blood pump, have we lost some compassion?

The process of becoming a racist is one of slow, gradual
abstraction. That is, slowly,
imperceptibly, people transform their gaze, they look at another person and no
longer see a person. They see
stereotypes, they see superficiality, they see their own thoughts and feelings
rather than seeing another person. Racism,
anti-Semitism, nowadays called anti-Zionism, is using another person as a
Rorshach test—that is, one sees in another person the very qualities about
themselves that they detest. I remember
years ago when teaching English in a high school that a student stated very simply that
he didn’t like black people—in a class where there were a few black kids. I asked the student why he didn’t like black
people, and he stated the reasons very clearly, and I wrote the reasons on the
board. Blacks, he said, were lazy,
dishonest, and stupid. I asked these
three questions—what grades did you get on your last report card (Ds and Fs),
why did I give you a D (because I don’t do my homework, I watch TV instead),
and what did you get on your last test (you tore it up because I cheated). And then I put a check mark next to each reason
after each answer. And he understood, as
did the class—the point, besides showing the Rorshachian way of racism, is that
sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to draw a clear line as to what
is acceptable and what is not, and not always take the pathway of comfort.

How this 15 year-old developed this particular thought
process, that is one of the micro histories.
Micro history is one way to think in patterns that are the opposite of
racist thought patterns, to see each person as an individual, no abstractions,
no groupings—which is the opposite of what social scientists do all of the
time. The basis of their scientific
method is to devise new ways of grouping people, new ways of abstracting
individuals—and because of this, every method and technique of which they
conceive to combat racism and hatred will fail, just like Johnson’s War on
Poverty failed—because the one thing all of these methods have in common is
that they want us to ignore qualities of other people, rather than paying close
attention to all of another person’s
qualities, to listen to everything they say, to truly hear them and try to understand everything they mean until all
abstractions melt away, until you are not talking to a Black man or a Jew but
you are talking to Joe or Lou, and it doesn’t go beyond that. Not one step beyond that. Not one step.

In The Telegraph, London

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2008/04/12/do1201.xml

The one good thing about China's Olympic triumphalism is that it exposes its own defects. One looks forward to the protests on the way, which will probably be most vigorous in Delhi. Between now and August, the media should give us an overdue education about the biggest tyranny in the world.

We have spent much time in recent years complaining about America's abuse of power. Sometimes the criticism is justified, but we have hardly begun to consider the alternative, and how appalling it would be.

Whenever we attack America, we do so in the knowledge that it has a visible system of self-correction that might listen to us. It has a constitutional structure which is built to accommodate differing views. China has nothing of the sort, and never has had.

So I convinced a close friend to go with me t o Hillel dinner.  And what did I do .  First I cam in way late so I couldn't have time to schmooz with any one.  You see at UCI Hillel all they do is schmooz while waiting in line, chow down, and then plan on what party they;re attending after dinner and leave.  Never go late.  Then,  I didnt introduce my friend to the the girls even I don't no that well and who don't really care for me.  Jeez, meeting jewish women and trying to start something is fdamn fucking hard, nay impossible! So I drank with a married coupls and an orthodox jew. Sigh!

Who would have thought that the founding executive director of the small but feisty Progressive Jewish Alliance would accept a post as CEO at the Jewish Federation of San Francisco, the Peninsula, Marin and Sonoma counties http://www.sfjcf.org/aboutjcf/press/2008/sokatch.asp?

The PJA (www.pjalliance.org) is an example of the new kind of Jewish social justice--activists based in urban LA and the Bay Area who use religious concepts like kashrut to protest sweatshop labor, or who cite talmudic chapter and verse to lobby for restorative justice. Unlike most of organized Judaism, PJA's organization is composed of grassroots working groups who often connect with PICO and other interfaith grassroots groups on particular projects.

What a difference from the SFJCF, a hoary institution that has been headless for almost seven years because no one wanted to brave the bureaucracy! This is the organization that hosts a "latke ball" at hanukah, and boasts about their business leadership council. Aside from building a very beautiful JCC with a great pool, the SFJCF has done nothing exciting in years.

Will Daniel Sokatch be able to revive this institution? Can institutional Judaism be revived? These are not insignificant questions at a time when Jews increasingly disaffiliate from organized Jewry. Keep watching...

I've become so bitter & cynical about politics & public life here in Israel over the past few years. I hate it but don't see any alternative any time soon. It's a sad commentary, I think, that the only real leader this country has (love him or hate him) is laying in an irreversible coma in Tel Hashomer.

Olmert could've been Israel's Chester Arthur. Remember him? He was a lifelong hack & wheeler-dealer. His corrupt buddies in the GOP named him James Garfield's running mate in 1880. Garfield was shot in July 1881 & died the following September. Arthur, as President, proved to be a very different man. He championed civil service reform & broke with the then prevailing spoils system. His former allies in the GOP became his bitter enemies. A prominent publisher said of him, "No man ever entered the Presidency so profoundly and widely distrusted, and no one ever retired...more generally respected." Arthur was basically a hack who, when he found greatness thrust upon him, rose to the occasion.

Olmert, also a hack (he was a lousy mayor of Jerusalem, which now boasts one of the most corrupt & bloated municipal bureaucracies in the country), found greatness thrust upon him (nobody used the words "Ehud Olmert" & "Prime Minister" in the same sentence before Sharon's stroke) & has long since sunken back into hackdom. He's a little man with no vision other than expediency & political survival.

And the really depressing part is: Who are the alternatives? Bibi Netanyahu? Ehud Barak? GROAN!!!! Tzipi Livni stepped up to the plate (after the Winograd Committee issued its interim report) & flinched. Like Brando, she coulda been a contender.

Everyone clings to their own illusions. The Right believes that if we beat on the Palestinians just a little more & hit them just a little harder, then out of the fear in their hearts, they'll leave us alone. The Left believes that if we just give the Palestinians everything they want (just about), then out of the gratitude & goodness in their hearts, they'll leave us alone. Wrong & wrong. Both Right & Left bury their heads in the sand, forgetting that if you stick your head in the sand, another part of the body is rendered very prominent thereby & that's where you'll end up getting it, hard.

So, bitter, cynical and depressed (did I say that?) me, who since first coming here has voted Labor, Likud, Third Way, Center Party & Kadima (never the same party twice) in a vain effort to cling to the ever-shrinking center, would probably either vote for a no-hope list (Tafnit, maybe) or spoil a ballot in disgusted protest, neither of which I've ever done before.

I s'pose, as a "modern orthodox" Jew who wears a knitted kipa, I should consider voting for Mafdal but the religious, non-haredi, right here has long since become a single-issue party. It has abandoned the development towns & poorer neighborhoods to Shas. Mafdal's answer to every ill plaguing this country is: Build in Judea & Samaria, by hook or by crook, probity optional. God forbid, I'm not knocking building in Judea & Samaria and the ease with which some Jews think going up & down Judea and Samaria, shouting Juden Raus! will solve all our problems nauseates me, but building in J & S has to get in line with a list of other, pressing needs.  In the aftermath of the disengagement, the religious, non-haredi, right has pointed the finger in every conceivable direction except at itself; it has shown no inclination to do any kind of introspection or soul-searching  & will never admit that it has done anything wrong or that folks who disagree with it might have a point. It keeps harping on the same note & seems utterly unable to win more than 10-12 seats. It's great at preaching to the converted.

So, what's the solution? Damned if I know. So, I'll just hunker down here on the darkling plain, ignoring the latest corruption/sex scandals & drink more Turkish coffee. We'll muddle through (how exciting).

I still wouldn't live anywhere else & do not regret making aliyah 20+ years ago. I may bitch about the game but I would never dream of going back to watching it from up in the cheap seats.  We'll make it right, eventually.

On that happy note...

L'chaim!

Oxartes

My dating in Toronto has led me to a question: Are Jewish men pressured to get married more in North America than the rest of the world? Or is it more an age thing than a religion thing?

Every Jewish guy I've met in the 6 months since I moved here has been on the fasttrack to marriage. I've had guys who've told their parents all about me before our first date; guys who've planned the next 6 mo