Eli Valley's Envelope Slideshow of Terror: See real examples of actual Jewish fundraising literature.

If you’ve ever subscribed to a Jewish newspaper, if you’ve ever signed a Jewish petition, chances are you’re on a donor list. You receive dozens of similarly-worded pitch letters from organizations ranging from The Simon Wiesenthal Center to the American Jewish Committee. What is the secret to the success of these letters? How do they help the Jewish organizational world raise millions of dollars from its constituents every year?

Below are excerpts from an actual fundraising letter mailed by B’nai Brith International. In order to facilitate transparency, we’ve added helpful translations in red.

Note: According to its website, the mission of B’nai Brith International is “to unite persons of the Jewish faith and to enhance Jewish identity through strengthening Jewish family life and the education and training of youth, broad-based services for the benefit of senior citizens, and advocacy and action on behalf of Jews throughout the world.”

Dear Friend,

Six Million Jews were exterminated during the Holocaust because the world ignored the genocidal ranting of Adolph Hitler and his maniacal followers.

Translation: You will die.

Today that same number – six million Jews – live in the State of Israel.

Translation: You cannot run, nor can you hide. Every single Jew, no matter where he lives, will be hunted down and killed.

Just consider what Israel sees when it gazes upon its regional neighbors.

Translation: Jewish rat!

Syria – upgrading its Air Force with the latest Russian fighters even as it builds fortified underground bunkers and arms itself with offensive missiles.

Translation: That new iphone you bought? It will look spiffy in the hands of the roving Muslim marauders feeding off your bloated carcass.

Hezbollah – after devastating Israel last summer with missile attacks, has restocked its armaments, boasting today of more than 33,000 missiles...

Translation: The upcoming Holocaust will make the first Holocaust look like a simple dress rehearsal.

Hamas – now in control of the “Palestinian Authority,” is turning Gaza into a launching point for the next war, importing tens-of-thousands of rifles, rocket-propelled grenades, armor-piercing artillery shells and missiles.

Translation: A dress rehearsal where the costumes don't fit and everybody is forgetting their lines.

Iran – could acquire a nuclear bomb within three years according to U.S. intelligence officials; even as it continues to fund and arm the most radical terrorist groups.

Translation: Nobody will forget their lines in Holocaust II.

Facing such dire circumstances, we must all take responsibility – each and every one of us – to do all that we can to support international efforts to put a halt to Iran’s nuclear ambitions and to restrain the murderous rampage of global Jihadists.

Translation: Think of your favorite magazine. Got it? The editor hates Jews. The editor wants to see you dead.

…Let me put the whole story in context for you.

Translation: Rigor Mortis.

... Terror threats have now placed the U.S. Jewish community on alert.

Translation: You think you’re safe in your terrycloth bathrobe, scratching your crotch and watching reruns of “24”?

The Palestinian terror group, Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades announced that they would target Zionists outside of Palestine in order to take Jews as hostages that could be traded with Israel for the release of Palestinian terrorists imprisoned in Israel.

Translation: Even if they have to swim the ocean, they will come here with photos of you, and they will knock door-to-door until they find you, drag you in the street, and chop off your head before salivating throngs.

These are real events taking place today, with very real consequences for the people whose lives and freedom hang in the balance.

Translation: Do we need to spell it out? Okay. Your parents and your children, your spouse and your siblings, will all be dead.

But this is not a time for despair. It is a time for action.

Translation: You know how your cat does that cute thing where she rubs her nose up against your ear? If you don’t act now, your cat will be killed too.

… B’nai B’rith has been instrumental this past year in getting the United Nations to take responsible actions that were quite unprecedented – such as the convening of its first meeting ever devoted to the problem of anti-Semitism; its official commemoration of the 60^th anniversary of the liberation of Nazi concentration camps; and its selection of Israel to chair a session of the General Assembly.

Translation: B’nai Brith is your only hope of surviving the onslaught of vampires famished for the blood of pasty-skinned Jews.

… With your support, B’nai B’rith can launch an all-out effort to use our extensive network of international contacts and influential opinion leaders throughout Europe, South America and elsewhere to help ensure that the United Nations will not fail to rise to these historic circumstances.

Translation: There is a chance, however remote and quixotic, that we can avert the next Holocaust, but it will not be possible without your generous help.

Failure under these circumstances is too terrible to contemplate.

Translation: Did we mention your imminent doom?

Please tell us that we can count on your support at this time.

Translation: We cannot guarantee success in averting the next Holocaust. But maybe we can reduce its magnitude. Maybe, if we try hard enough, we can save you.

Just take a moment right now to write the most generous check you can afford.

Translation: Who knows, maybe we can save your family, too.

Whether you can afford just $36, $50, $100, $500, $1,000 or more, you can be assured that your contribution will be effectively put to work.

Translation: It comes down to this: If you can't scrape together a minimum of, say, $500, our chances of averting Holocaust II will be diminished accordingly. Are you willing to roll the dice? Are you feeling ... lucky?

You know what’s at stake. History has taught us the extraordinarily painful costs of failing to act in time.

Translation: Remember that old friend of yours from Sophomore Year of High School? Remember your pact? How if the world were about to end, you'd drop everything, declare your love for one another, and have wild sex on the brink of oblivion?

Won’t you please stand with us now?

Translation: Write that check now or your childhood friend will be the first to die, studmuffin.

Sincerely,

Daniel S. Mariaschin

International Director

Translation: I am Edward Mambo of the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire) and the former aide de camp of the late President Laurent Kabila of blessed memory.

P.S. In every area of Jewish life—from fighting for Israel in the world’s great forums to helping to educate our young people and providing assistance to Jewish seniors to combating anti-Semitism, B’nai B’rith makes an enormous difference.

Translation: I am presently living in Nigeria on asylum. In case you are wondering, I got your contact form the foreign trade office of the Nigeria Chamber of Commerce and Industry. The events of the past one year in my country has been very unfortunate. The late President Kabila successfully toppled the very corrupt government of the late dictator Mobutu Sese Seko and ruled justly and peacefully for a few months. Unfortunately, the Tutsi from Goma, the northern part of the country rebelled against his government and since then my country has been at war.

But we can’t do this alone.

Translation: After the late President Kabila was assassinated under very questionable circumstances, I knew I was in danger of losing from both ends. I have in my possession funds amounting to U.S.$15.5 million. In the usual manner of conveying such funds, the money is in defaced form in a trunk box for security reasons. It is now in the safe custody of a security company.

We need men and women who really care about what we do – and about issues like Israel’s security – to give and give generously to support what we are working so hard to do.

Translation: Now I am seeking foreign assistance to transfer the funds overseas. You will understand that my entire life and future depend on this money and I shall be very grateful if you can assist me. The major thing I demand from you is the absolute assurance that the money will be safe and you will not sit on it when it is transferred to your account.

I hope you are one of those people. Please help us continue this work by responding to this letter today.

Translation: If you are ready to be of assistance, please contact me immediately, so that I can furnish you with the modalities for the transaction and what is expected of you. I shall be most grateful if you maintain utmost confidentiality and keep this message entirely to yourself.

Best regards,

Mr. Edward Mambo

This kid should've won the Bronfman Big Idea prize.

John McCain will see Barack Obama's ¡Si, se puede! and raise him a ¡Cien años en Iraq! However, this effort may not help him win over conservatives worried about Sen. Juan McCain (R-Aztlan).

Michael Chabon: He's trained to interpret communications from Bizarro World As Izzy noted yesterday and Michael followed up on today, Michael Chabon wrote a ringing endorsement of Obama in the Washington Post. Concerned that Commentary might lose its credentials as the most borderline-delusional magazine in the Jewish world today, Jeopardy champion John Podhoretz penned a reply to Chabon in which he referred to The Yiddish Policeman's Union as "a work of anti-Zionism so thoroughgoing that it makes Mearshimer and Walt look like Jabotinsky and Ben-Gurion by contrast." Excellent piece of prose, John! It almost makes daddy's "World War IV" argument sound rational!

But with characteristic class, Chabon came back with a gentleman's knockout:

Dear Mr. Podhoretz,

Criticism from you is, as always, particularly sweet, though I am forever grateful for having been trained, by years of reading Superman comic books, to properly interpret communications from the Bizarro World.

So, thanks for the reassurance and endorsement of my views.

Sometimes I can’t not help not enjoying your writing, either!

Sincerely,

Michael Chabon

(I'm assuming it's the real Chabon who commented there, but obviously it could have been anyone.)