I'm not stealing news from other sites, I'm sampling it. I'm kind of the Dr. Dre of news aggregation...

• Columbian policia have apprehended a 28-year-old man who ran a pyramid scheme so extensive that its collapse effected the nation's economy.
• The Danish Navy rescued seven pirates that were stuck at sea on a boat with a broken motor, doing little to thwart my long-standing speculation that the Danes are in fact pirates themselves.
• A 105-year-old Dutch singer who has spent the past 60 years trying to shake his ties to the Nazis shot himself in the foot yesterday, calling Hitler, "A good guy...he was nice to me."
• The guy diagnosed with the only documented case of amnesia not used as a sitcom premise died this week.
• O.J. Simpson will be sentenced today for his role in last year's robbery, and could potentially receive a life sentence.
• A man was stabbed to death for refusing to relinquish the microphone at a karaoke bar in Malaysia. Remember, Asians fucking LOVE karaoke. 
• Adelaide, Australia's fifth-largest city, has been reduced to importing water during the continent's current drought, the worst in over a century.
• Jewel thieves in Paris made off with $80 million worth of booty.

Go fuck yourselves, San Diego...

• AT&T and DuPont don't want to get left in the dust as far as this newfangled layoffs trend goes.
• Israeli troops exchanged gunfire with Jewish extremists in the West Bank.
• A bailout plan has been presented for New York's Metro Transit Authority.
• Zimbabwe has successfully topped its economic crisis in terms of ridiculousness, declaring the nation’s cholera outbreak a national emergency. 
• German soldiers in Afghanistan are apparently drinking too much.
• British scientists have successfully engineered robot strippers.
• Lest anyone not understand the extent to which Australians are total hicks, measures have been proposed that would subject politicians to breathalyzer tests prior to voting sessions. 
• CBS-2 in Chicago reports that nationwide gun sales are up 42% since Barack Obama's election last month.
• Moscow mayor Yuri Luzhkov has banned gays and lesbians from promoting their way of life, whatever that means, claiming they are responsible for spreading HIV and AIDS.

The defamed artist addresses his subjectsIn a series of epic battles on par with Ali vs. Foreman, Itchy vs. Scratchy and Christians vs. people who believe other things, enter attention-starved musicians vs popular foodstuffs into the lexicon of blockbuster rivalries. First, 50 Cent took on Taco Bell back in July, seeking $4 million in damages when the chalupa-peddling fast food giant publicly requested that he participate in a promotion in which he would change his name to "79 Cent," "89 Cent" or "99 Cent" to reflect the cost of Triple Layer Nachos, a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito and a Big Taste Taco, respectively. More recently, no less exalted an artist than Axl Rose got into it with bastardized cola product Dr. Pepper over the company’s promise to give away free cans of soda if Rose ever actually released his belabored magnum opus, Chinese Democracy.

The Cent-Bell matchup has dragged on for months, with Taco Bell's lawyers firing the first shots, accusing 50 of "burnish his gangsta rapper persona by distorting beyond all recognition a bona fide, good-faith offer." 50 has yet to personally respond to the beef (pun intended), but his spokespeople have stepped in to bat for him, saying, "This is a sleazy and ill-conceived publicity stunt by Taco Bell's president, Greg Creed, whose disingenuous offer was leaked to the press before it was even presented to 50 Cent's agent."

Rose vs. Pepper has been a more recent development, as up until two weeks ago, promising anything for whenever Chinese Democracy was released was a pretty safe bet. When the album finally came out on November 23, Dr. Pepper put a coupon on their website good for a free can of its signature product. However, the demand for free soda far exceeded the company's expectations and the site crashed, leaving thousands free-soda-less. Like his rapping brethren, Axl has yet to personally make a statement regarding the matter, but his attorney went on CNN and deemed the ordeal, "a mess," and complained that fans, "blame [Axl] for the fact that they didn’t get their free soda."

50 Cent and Axl Rose's respective bouts with Taco Bell and Dr. Pepper (173,000 and 211,000 Google search results, correspondingly) are prime examples of the benefits of the American media machine. Where else but America could a disgruntled millionaire receive the attention he deserves in his quest to squash a fun promotion that casually mentions his name and livelihood in a non-derogatory manner? God bless America.

As Gawker reported yesterday, the Anti-Defamation League has been engaged in a bizarre online campaign to supposedly curb antisemitism by launching e-mail blasts with the subject line, "Jews Have Ruined Our Country." The e-mails go on to list quotes pulled from various Internet message boards that fault "The Jews" for the world's current economic debacle, straight from the world's most-respected pundits, people who post racist tirades on anonymous Internet message boards. There are numerous problems with this scenario, not the least of which is obviously the misguidedness of the ADL's weird deployment of reverse-psychology racism as a means to generate awareness of its cause. What is important to note, however, is that although they are apparently very bad at presenting it, the ADL is spot on in its assertion that a wave of antisemitism is right around the corner.

Antisemitism will never go away. For reasons that have been discussed endlessly over the past 5,000 years, people hate Jews. Additionally, people also hate having nothing to do, and hating Jews and having nothing to do often go hand-in-hand (idle hands really are the devil's plaything). With the economic recession putting record numbers of people out of work and hanging around all day without anything to occupy their stupid minds, a new generation of anti-Jewish fervor is hardly out of the question. The ADL is merely co-opting another recent phenomenon, the pre-emptive strike, in anticipation of the gestating hatred.

Eat your heart out, Matt Drudge... 

• Cheers! Friday will mark the 75th anniversary of the ratification of the 21st amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which repealed the 18th amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. Now put that joint away or you're going to jail.
• On a similar note, this past Monday marked the 75th anniversary of the bloody mary, which was first concocted in Manhattan by Ferdinand Petiot in 1933.
• The Minnesota Senatorial Election between Al Franken and Norm Coleman has still not been decided. 
• American folk and blues singer Odetta died in New York last night.
• For some reason, the Washington Post deemed it newsworthy that the attackers in Mumbai last week used digital maps and Blackberrys to coordinate their assaults. Because, you know, terrorists usually navigate using their trusty sextants and abaci.
• The New York State Government came up with a pretty cool solution to Mario Cuomo's continued refusal to pose for a portrait for the State's Hall of Governors.
• The Bush White House approved a rule yesterday to make it easier for coal mining companies to dump their debris wherever they see fit.
• The State of Hawaii and the Hawaiian Electric Company are teaming up to attempt an innovative new plan to make electric cars a feasible mode of transportation around the state.
• The New York Giants' Plaxico Burress has been suspended without pay and placed on the reserved list for the remainder of the NFL season after he sustained a self-inflicted gunshot wound at a nightclub on Saturday.
• The Crown Heights man who stabbed a New York City bus driver to death during a dispute over a $2 transfer was apprehended by police yesterday.
• Gary Coleman was ordered to pay a $100 fine after pleading 'No Contest' to a disorderly conduct charge in a Utah court for his role in a fight and subsequent car accident at a bowling alley in September. The more interesting news from the linked article, however, is that Coleman apparently has a personal bodyguard.
• Trouble is a-brewin' in friendly ol' Canada.
• NATO deferred on the decision to add former Soviet nations Georgia and Ukraine.
• Logitech claims to have produced the world's one-billionth computer mouse.
• The new visitor center at the U.S. Capitol opened to the public on Tuesday after six-years and $621-million in construction. 
• Tickets will go on sale December 26th for Will Ferrell's new play, You're Welcome America: A Final Night With George W. Bush, which will open on Inauguration Day, January 20.