By now I am sure you have all heard of Shaindy.com, which is a website catering to Orthodox Jews who want to meet other Orthodox Jews for extra-marital affairs. I am also sure you have browsed through - and laughed at - the Chassidic sex ads in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. Many of you may have even seen the Tefillin Date blog or tried to search for frum porn yourselves, either because you are truly interested in finding some hot women wearing nothing but sheitels, or you are a serious porn fan who likes to find new and exciting varieties of smut online.

I personally am fascinated with the whole subject of frum porn, purely from a statistical perspective (girls in long skirts just don't do it for me even if they are showing a little more ankle than normal). You see, I run a popular Orthodox blog that makes fun of Orthodoxy. Due to Google's search engine algorithms, many people who come to my site are searching for frum porn. Not just frum porn, but everything from "naked Lubavitch girls" to "Chassidic gang bangs", and much more. I have wondered for years what exactly they expected to find, who these people were, and what exactly would constitute frum porn.

By definition frum porn would be oxymoronic - that would mean that the porn stars would have to be dressed modestly and this would defeat the entire purpose of porn in the first place. Maybe it would mean that all products used in the video were certified kosher, and before licking any cream products off of each other the porn star would make the required blessing. Maybe all of the male stars had to be circumcised, or the women had to keep their hair covered during the video. 

"Bais Yaakov Girls Gone Wild" has been in my imagination since I was 15. I never thought there were any other sick yeshiva guys like myself, but I have been surprised again and again by the search traffic to my site and the random emails from horny Chassidim in Brooklyn who think that I hold the key to their frum porn adventures.

Several months ago I wrote about the Hot Chani phenomena sweeping through religious neighborhoods in the New York metro area. "Hot Chanis" are religious women who wear wigs but dress very scandalous with tight short skirts, hooker boots and lots of makeup. I posted an example and was flooded with emails from people seeking more pictures. I told them I was not in the porn business - but that they should take s stroll down any street in Flatbush if they wanted some Hot Chani action.

I have been rethinking this whole comedy thing, seems I could make a killing in the frum or Chassidic porn industry.

This awesome article first appeared on April 1, 2009 and has been republished as part of the series JEWCYEST WEEK EVER.

There has been a lot of talk about the Tefillin bomb scare, and quite frankly, I understand where these people are coming from. Imagine some bearded individual whips out a strange device that looks like it could either be a weapon or something out of a BDSM party, and then starts mumbling to himself and swaying. Now imagine that he's in the middle of the amidah and he cannot talk.

One of my roommates during Birthright thought that my tefillin were just straps to tie my arm in order to shoot up. This was a non-affiliated (albeit educated) Jewish kid from Colorado who was in school at NYU. If someone who attended NY Jew and still not be informed about tefillin – imagine what those passengers from Kentucky thought. I would have freaked out as well.

Kiddush Levana: A bunch of Jews are gathered on a street corner looking up at the moon.

What they think: Wow, I didn’t know the Jews prayed to the moon God! I always thought they were monotheistic.

Lulav: People are walking down the street with lulavim on Sukkot.

What they think: So this is when the Jews celebrate Palm Sunday... wait a second, it’s not even Sunday. Maybe they are doing it now because palm branches cost less when no one really needs them, those cheap bastards.

Shabbos: It’s a frum community and everyone is going to shul.

What they think: Look at all these people wearing black! There must be a really big funeral going on somewhere. Wait, why is everyone walking to the funeral? They must be trying to save on gas, or maybe it’s a green funeral.

Burning of the chometz: There is a garbage can in the street and the Jews are gathered around throwing their chometz into the fire.

What they think: I wonder if this has something to do with commemorating Kristallnacht. Are they burning German books or something?

Megilas Esther: Everyone is dressed up and it’s time to boo for Haman.

What they think: Why is everyone cheering every time they mention that man Haman?

Purim: Everyone is delivering gift baskets and most of the kids are dressed up.

What they think: Look, the Jews have their own Halloween, but instead of waiting for people to ask for candy they go and deliver it.

Simchas Torah: In some places, Jews take to the streets to celebrate the giving of the Torah.

What they think: It’s an Orthodox Jewish gay pride parade... but why are all the lesbians just watching?

Note: This post sparked an interesting discussion on my Jewish comedy blog that is 105 comments long.

Blogger Israeli Mom made the following comment on a post I wrote about the Yeshiva University gay symposium.

“The gay issue is one of those things that prove to me just how outdated and irrelevant the torah is as a text to live my life by. It has good things in it, but it’s mixed up with so much primitive and sometimes barbaric instructions. It reflects a social ethos that was relevant to the primitive tribes that lived here thousands of years ago. Not really relevant to the 21st century. No offense.

Stoning for gay sex is just one aspect of it. Easy enough for me to solve as a secular Jew.”

The comment represents what I think are the opinions of a large part of the Jewish population at large, and some individuals in the Orthodox community as well. I myself have wondered about the relevancy of the Torah and although I lead a religious and observant lifestyle, ever since I left high school I have been questioning the whole thing we call "Torah Judaism."

Was the Torah merely written from a periodical perspective, or was it written to be, as they say, a living Torah? I am almost positive that if the Torah were written now it would be drastically different, but we can’t just rewrite the Torah, we can just reinterpret it like we have been doing for thousands of years. Besides – didn’t God write the Torah? Someone recently asked me if I believed if God wrote the torah and I said, I wasn't really sure - it is a bit farfetched. Besides, in my mind, believing in God is definitely not rational even though I continue to do so. 

The more I try to explain the Torah and its wacked-out parts, the more I find myself busting out taykoos and halacha moshe misinai, but I can’t just say "we will find out when moshiach comes" for everything (sometimes I just think the moshiach thing was invented so we think we’ll get see our relatives again) and so that the Lubavitchers have something to do when they get drunk.

Even as an Orthodox Jew I struggle with the fact that much of the Torah is irrelevant (and downright offensive, nasty and insane), but what are we supposed to do about this? Maybe it will come to something like the Constitutionalists or the revisionists? What do you think?

It seems that the best time to hit on girls at shul is at Yizkor. Their parents are usually inside and you can use pickup lines like "both my parents are alive, wanna party?" or "I see you still have both your parents."

Unfortunately I never really got to pick up chicks at Yizkor because since the age of 6 I have been "stuck" inside shul during Yizkor. I always sneaked out the back entrance of the shul out of embarrassment when I was younger. It wasn't until I got older that I realized that getting to stay in shul during Yizkor was kind of like a private club. I can remember countless times looking over the mechitza at some other girl my age and trying to get her eye, as if to say "don't worry baby, my mom's dead too" or "I know how you're feeling, lets get it on til you feel better." This never happened, but only after the age of 23 or so did I realize the possibilities of picking up a chick at Yizkor were greatly increased if you had to say it.

I used to hate coming out of Yizkor. It felt like all eyes were on me, people snickering and saying "ha ha his mom's dead." Remember that I grew up in the '80s before political correctness became stylish - I was treated like shit as a kid for not having a mom.  My stuttering problem and weird name for a modern Orthodox kid didn't help much either.  I kind of avoided having to admit I was in a single parent household, like how someone who is closeted and gay tries to avoid all talk of heterosexuality. As a motherless child I avoided conversations that were about things like what your mom made for lunch - it kind of sucked to tell you the truth.

Now I look forward to Yizkor. Not only is it time to focus on our mortality and remember those who have passed on, but it's kind of cool to look around as I get older and realize that I am rarely the youngest anymore. I also love seing who has had a death in the family so that I can have some ammo if they look like someone I want to get to know - not only women, my dear friends, men as well - because I am an equal opportunity bonder.

Are blind dates dead? Is the matchmaking industry going the way of the American automakers?

I was doing Google girl searches for a long time before it became acceptable to admit this. Back before Google became an official verb, I would do this, but it had to be kept secret. The one time I assumed the girl was relaxed enough to hear that I found her profile on Onlysimchas.com but was disappointed to find no picture she demanded to know how I had found the profile. I told her that I Googled her and she went berserk, like I was some freak for wanting to know more than what our mutual friend had told me, because everyone who wants you to go out with their friend switches to "sales mode" when talking about their friend's attributes.

Around the same time that Facebook opened its doors to tweens and preteens it became acceptable to conduct extensive back round checks on the internet of potential dates. Facebook is basically inviting you to look for dirt and thanks to my favorite feature - tagged pictures - the girl you are researching can't just hide her true figure behind a well placed column and a thinning black skirt. You would be surprised to see how different people look in their profile pictures versus their tagged pictures.

Blind dating has its virtues. For me it was a rush of sorts, kind of like playing the lottery: you never knew what was going to happen, although I mostly assumed it be crappy until I would win once in a while. I do wonder if I will miss the joy of haggling with the neighborhood shadchan and finding subtle ways to reject the dating offerings from my Charedi cousins in Monsey?

Although Googling and Facebooking potential dates can be a lot of fun and informative, one should keep an open mind. People are too quick to judge folks based on their friends, half-naked drunken pictures taken from their spring break in Cancun and whether or not they are a Yankees fan. There is more to people than what they put on their Facebook profiles, although if you find their blog you can pretty much assume it is describing their alter ego and what they wish they were but never will be.