Link to original post and comments.

http://www.frumsatire.net/2008/04/30/chumra-research-institute-announces-graduate-programs-for-fall/

Secular influences on the frum community have reached an all time
high. We have tried to stem these influences with bans and chumros, but
to no avail. We are losing members to college, jobs and general secular
doings that have no place within the frum community. We have tried to
ban vegetables, sexual foods, concerts, sheitles, advertising with
women, internet, television, etc… and where has it got us? It has
helped stem the rise in our members whom are going off the derech, but
we cannot go it alone. That is why we are pleased to announce the first
ever fully accredited 100% kosher graduate school for those who want to
help stem the secular influences of goyim, modern orthodoxy and some of
those among us who wear bend down hats.

Chumra Research Institute or CRI is accepting qualified candidates
for its fall semester. In order to qualify for this program there are
several factors in which play into your acceptance. In order to adhere
to the highest quality of students which will be the leaders in our
tyrannical control of the orthodox community we cannot accept anyone
who is not frum from birth, anyone from a family with members off the
derech, people who’s father does not have a beard, does not wear woolen
tzitzis and does not speak Yiddish fluently. All applicants must also
go through a full physical and physiological test in order to insure
that they can function under threatening and sometimes violent
backlashes from people who are angry at the legislation of bans and
chumras you will eventually be proposing.

CRI will be offering multiple degree and certificate programs.
Eventually we plan on having campuses at each of the frummest cities in
the United States- Eretz Yisroel has no shortage of people ready and
willing to propose limitless bans and chumros- the shortage is here in
America, in Lakewood- where women still disobey last years ban on arm
swinging when they walk and in Boro Park where sheitle stores still
display pritzusdick pictures in their window displays to lure husbands
away from their wives in search of untznius advertisements. In Monsey,
where the heimishe yidden still sit and eat pizza in coed restaurants-
there are too many instances to name- but dare I say that we have a
long way to go- and the need for educational programs like CRI is
imminent.

The Chumra Research Institute will be offering the following degree programs:

Masters of Science- Chumras and Bans: Concentrations in ban
psychology, chumra propaganda through WEB 2.0, independent study and
research on what to ban next, looking at the fallout from different
bans and chumras.

Masters in Chumra Economics: There is a whole economy based on the
chumros that we will eventually legislate. Kosher water, bug free
lettuce, vegetable wash, even the mechitzas needed for large weddings-
all come into play when you risk alienating your friends and neighbors
by not listening to chumras.

Certificate- How to make chumras into halacha: The whole point of
chumras are so they can become the law of the land. Just look at
separate seating at weddings, now many people will not attend a wedding
which is 100% halachically ok because it has separate seating. We will
teach you proper tactics in convincing people that your chumra is in
fact halacha (applicants should have a firm understanding of gemara and
arguments)

PhD: We are offering an independent study Doctorate program to
become a full fledged signer and proposer of bans. Your name will be
featured with gedolei yisrioel whenever they propose a ban and you will
not even have to physically sign the document- it will be similar to
pork barrel legislation.

In order to apply for the PhD program at CRI you must come up with
several propositions for bans and chumras. We have done some research
in the field already and have made several advancements toward our
ultimate goal, which is to ban women completely- thereby reducing the
need for many bans. In order to ban women from the public sphere so
they are reduced to robots that can make food, clean toilets, do
laundry and have children.

Here is a list of possible bans and chumras compiled by the Chumra Rsearch Institute:

Glasses: glasses magnify an object and therefore they might be used
to focus on untznius objects more clearly. Only reading glasses will be
allowed.

Urinals: This should have been banned long ago, it allows for
possible pornographic transgressions, when one looks to his neighbor.

Music: because it appears that anything to passionate will arouse someone.

Cities with beaches located within their city limits: coastal Israel
is banned, including Bnai Brak due to its proximity to beaches, also
Long Island as well as Brooklyn and Queens since pritzus lurks around.
Miami now, why not these in a few months during a chumra lull?

Phones: actually during the old days the Rabbis wanted to ban them
because it was feared that people would be able to speak loshon harah
easily. Well guess what, its only time before phones will be banned.
They allow for unsupervised talking to people of the opposite sex
including all those goyishe operators and the credit card hot line
ladies in India, where they worship sheitles.

Banks: Interacting with women is assur, and at the bank, the bullet
proof mechitza is not enough, since it is see-through reminiscent of
Lincoln Square synagogue. ATMS will still be allowed during the
daylight hours- since after dark there is possibility of yichud.

Restaurants without mechitza’s: I cannot believe more restaurants
other then Greens in Williamsburg have not instituted this as law. I
mean weddings and bar mitzvahs have separate seating, why not the
restaurant.

Public Restrooms: Because some one in the upper echelons owns shares
in depends diapers or the fact that stall doors cannot always be locked
and some folks may be aroused at the thought of a naked person sitting
next to them doing their business.

Mattresses: Because sex is just for babies and it shouldn’t be that enjoyable at least for the women anyway.

Cars with manual transmission: Because bad thoughts may enter ones mind when handling the stick shift.

Mikvah: We don’t understand how they still have public mikvahs while
they have realized that abuse and homosexuality exists within the frum
community, these SHOULD be banned.

Tampons: need I say why?

Women cashiers: What if one day they didn’t slam your change down on
the counter. Possible touching may occur causing bad thoughts.

Coca-Cola as well as whole milk: The bottle’s red color is untznius.
Maybe New Square and Golden Flow will have to change the whole milk
color of red to black. Because black and white means a person is whole.

Stairs: Ever notice that when a person walks up the stairs their
outfit becomes tighter. Especially women, their skirts may reveal that
they are in fact women, and it may be possible to make out an ankle
underneath the bullet proof stockings. I propose ramps o a slight
incline to be determined by scientists as which angle will allow
optimum rise versus less tightening of the clothing.

Escalators without mechitza’s: What if you were going down and saw a
woman in a short skirt going up? Such nisroynos should never have to
occur.

Coed airplane flights: Hey why should we allow the sexes to sit
together on airplane flights? First of all what happens when the lights
are turned down and it becomes all romantic. It is possible for your
seat mate to lean her/his head on your shoulders by accident. You may
have to “talk” to a women chas vashalom.

Women from kissing the mezuzah: When they kiss it they raise their hands in a very untznius way and that should be assur.
Ice cream: Because licking your lips is so sexual even when half a
tofutti cutie is lodged between the person’s teeth. Oh and white cream
is saved for making children.

Chairs for women: They should ban chairs, because when women sit
down you can see that legs lie underneath their robes. I propose
slanted chairs that cause women to lean on them making it much more
tznius.

Robes: Robes might be replaced by garbage bags in the future. This
comes from an inside source and we are waiting for the official
announcement.

Summer camp: Based on previous chumras the goal has been to ban fun,
summer camps are way too much fun. They are also notorious places for
child molestation, which should be banned too- because apparently its
fun.

Why hasn’t Craigslist officially been banned? Or is the internet ban
a sweeping ban. Funny because in the Hamodia many of the advertisements
feature email addresses and websites.

Envelopes: Licking is very seductive.

Windows: Looking at the shmutz walking down the street, a shonda.
Williamsburg: They say it’s the new hipster and artist capital of the city, not a good place for frum yidden to be.

Summer: PRITZUS- maybe we can build will build a ghetto in the arctic, where no pritzus can ever exist.

Calculators:Internet access may be possible.

CRI is not an equal opportunity, women and minorities are not encouraged to apply.

Link to original post and comments:

http://frumsatire.net/2007/07/03/the-ultimate-guide-to-saying-good-shabbos/

The mumbling men:
I think the most common type of good shabbos is the mumble, this is
when the person passing you feels obligated to say good shabbos but
doesn’t actually want to say it, he waits till the last possible second
and then as your eyes lock although you were both looking down, one of
you mumbles a shabbos without the word good. Barely audible and barely
understandable you hear some sort of noise come out of their mouth as
they quicken their pace to mask their awkward forced good shabbos.

The doublers:
Good shabbos should only be said once, but for some reason the
extroverted usually black hat type of guy without a beard feels the
need to say good shabbos two maybe three times. This happens no matter
how many people you are with, sometimes it is mumbled of course- as
shabbos-shabbos, but most of the time it is a loud hearty- lumberjack
style good shabbos bellowed from the depths of this persons heart.
These folks may also throw in a “good morning, how are you” which is
quite rare within the Jewish communities around New York.

The Nod:
The nod is extremely popular in Manhattan amongst the folks who
attended a black hat yeshiva at some point. For some reason modern
orthodox people never seem to bust out the nod, they usually bust out
the stare and the ignore, but the nod it seems works best with a hat
which actually exaggerates The Nod giving it more leverage and
visibility from farther distances. Of course the nod crowd also seems
to know everyone, the nod is the safe way of gaging whether you
actually know the person and they are worthy of a break in the fast
pace on the way to and from shull.

Nod/Mumble/say it twice:
The hurried mumbler crowd can also be combined with the nodders and the
doublers. This is the most common situation in very hurried cities and
tends to be most common amongst the working yeshiva crowd. It never
seems to amaze me that these folks tend to be the black hat type that
wears ties and holds a full time job in finance, nursing home
administration or mortgage sales- they also tend to be over 40.

The Eye Locker:
You are screwed, you just want to walk to shull quickly without
disturbing your thoughts about the disturbing Dr. Yael article you read
in the Jewish Press the night before and you look up for a moment while
lost in thought and bam its smack down time. As you look up to see what
street your on- you notice dead ahead someone walking towards you with
a slight knowing smirk on their face as if they were playing chicken to
see who is going to cave first. Who will wimp out and say good shabbos
first, you cant take those piercing eyes and you cave- this is “the eye
locker.”

The Invincible Wall:
Sometimes someone won’t budge, no matter what you do- how heart felt
your good shabbos is- you won’t elicit a response. It just doesn’t
matter how many times you bust out your nod and doubler, or how
piercing your eyes are- some people are just cold hearted sons of
bitches when it comes to being friendly- kind of like the Grinch Who
Stole Good Shabbos.

The Switcharoo:(racial profiling)
I know someone who has different styles of saying good shabbos
depending on what type of back round the person comes from. Kind of
like switching up their benching style they say Shabbat shalom to the
modern looking people and good shabbos to the frummer looking people.
For the ultra frum they may bow their head diagonally throw some hand
gesture they picked up in daf yomi and say gut shabbos in a dragged on
ultra thick accented tone.

Carlebachian:
Holy brother, holy sister with arms raised up to the sky going in for a
hug or kiss and then possibly dancing in a circle on the sidewalk the
true carlebachian knows how to make someone feel loved. Usually the
good shabbos is drawn out like “goooooooooooood
shabbbbbbbbbbboooooooos” and it is screamed in a loving way.

Belated:
Some people like myself are spaced out when walking to shull and we
tend to notice a bit too late that someone had even greeted us. We yell
are belated good shabbos in a way that tries to ask forgiveness for
appearing to be one of those cold as ice MF gtuys who wont say it no
matter what. Sometimes the belated crowd will go back to the person who
passed us and shake their hand with a hearty and warm good shabbos.

The Quickie Hand Shake Combo:
Your walking down the street and suddenly your old buddy says “look who
we have here”, he shakes your hand says good shabbos and is out of the
scene within 5 seconds leaving you standing there wondering where he
was off too and if you will ever see him again.

The Extended Hand Shake:
This is when your walking toward someone you know and he has his hand
already extended- kind of like old folks that put their blinkers on
about 4 blocks before their turn- although you are 30 feet away from
him, a big smile is plastered on his face and the people he is walking
with are already telling him that he is late. “What are you doing
here?” His hand holds on to your hand for a few minutes sometimes both
hands are wrapped around yours.

This is usually the opening line right after the good shabbos, then
Kiddush or Uf Ruf geography might ensue while your friend tries to
figure out who he knows that is attending the chasunah. These little
meetings happen all over the place and are always interesting to watch
how the friends of both parties shift awkwardly on their feet and
wonder what to say to the other folks who are waiting for their friend.
Maybe some awkward Jewish Geography about the neighborhood and then
everyone gathers their nerves to ask their respective persons to
continue on to shull.

Sexual Harassment:
Think about all those kids who are too shy or not allowed to talk to
girls ever. When it comes to harassing girls using the simple utterance
of “good shabbos” in a sensual or mocking tone as they pass a group of
young ladies they seem to have problem locking eyes and doing their
worse. These provocative good shabbos greetings happen all the time. In
fact I have one friend who back in the day when he was in Israel would
say “Shabutt Shalom” with motion toward the girls butt every time he
passed some hotties on the streets of Jerusalem. In fact someone made a
comment about this a while back and that’s what spawned the idea for
this post.

I need an excuse to talk to you:
Similar in a way to the “sexual harassment good shabbos.” The excuse to
talk to you- is really a great hit on chick’s line in the frum
community. Personally has never worked for me- just because I cannot
just hit on girls. But I have witnessed many a time when guys have
merely said good shabbos and something corny like “where ya from?” and
Boom they are in. This is always followed by the awkward “so…. You
guys/gals wanna go hang out somewhere?”

Axe Murderer:
Ever get that feeling that if you don’t say good shabbos back you are
likely to end up dead in back of a shull somewhere? Ever get that
feeling of cold eyes piercing through you as you pass by trying to
avoid eye contact as the person says the “if you don’t respond I am
going to kill you- good shabbos.” I have had a few of these in my day,
sometimes good shabbos pleasantries can get downright violent.

Riot Starter:
Try saying good shabbos to women or girls in some communities and it
seems like they quicken their pace as if someone was out to rape them
or something. Then next thing you know, men all around you are giving
you dirty looks as if to say, “didn’t you realize that those women
switched sides of the street when they saw you, still you tried to
initiate contact.” The person who usually committed this fatal flaw of
Charediedom by attempting to say anything to a women other then, fax
this, cook this or get off this side of the sidewalk is deeply frowned
upon in many communities, these people who commit this crime usually do
so without even realizing what grave danger they out themselves in-
Riot Starters are ignorant folks who don’t know the rules of Charedi
communities.

Instead of Excuse Me:
You hear footsteps in back of you as you and your friend walk down a
narrow sidewalk. Suddenly, 3 people brush by you on both sides choosing
to say a forced- and nasty good shabbos instead of a nice excuse me.
You can feel the wind of their jackets as they pass by you in a hurry.
They probably wouldnt say good shabbos, but these rusher types always
feel the need to look back and see if they know the people they nearly
ran over. Of course their eyes lock on and they are forced to bust out
a quick “shabbos-shabbos” and be on their way.

Blank Stare:
Out of towners, Baal Teshuvas, different races and other outcasts
within the frum tend to not know the extent of the hurriedness and
unfriendliness of big city Jews. They are used to cities like Denver or
St Louis where everyone says good shabbos and stops to talk for a bit
in the street. These folks end up saying good shabbos and not receiving
it in return- only to stand dumbfounded fists clenched at sides looking
at the people who just passed them and wondering why they did not
respond.

Gigglers:
A good shabbos that is accompanied by giggles usually because the group
of young girls wants to talk to some young looking guys but have no
idea how. They say good shabbos in unison and then giggle as they run
clumsily down the block and peer back at the guys who they hope are
walking their way.

Do I know you?
Head is tilted in a half nod, half recognition gaze with a sort of
frown on their face. Good shabbos is uttered in question form and both
parties momentarily stop stare and the move on as if nothing happened.
Both parties then discuss what just happened among their fellow walkers
and decide if they indeed did know each other and from where.

If recognition actually does occur, there is a momentarily lapse of
reason (great album by the way) And then a full onslaught of quickie
Jewish geography will ensue, this always starts with “I know you” in a
thick New York accent followed “oh yeh from Moshe Baruchs chasunah- I
sat at your table.”

Women:
Women of course have their own way of doing things and since the last
time I checked I was close but not quite yet a women I cannot bring you
the scoop. However, it does seem as if women are either really cold or
really warm to each other. My only chance to say good shabbos to solo
women is during the walk of shame period of the time when its
considered late for a man to be coming to shull and early for a women-
nothing like getting disapproving looks from every women you pass eh?

Permalink to original post and over 100 comments. 

http://frumsatire.net/2007/04/26/the-best-ways-to-mess-with-baal-teshuvas/ 

 Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,

Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,

Tell them to stand up and salute when they do hagba,

When you see a newly indoctrinated BT putting tefilin on- gasp with horror and ask them where the other arm is?

Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,

Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,

Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,

Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,

Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and
oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,

Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,

Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,

Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,

The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,

Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat
beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince
them it is a sphardi custom,

Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,

Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,

Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that
comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,

If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….

Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,

We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,

Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,

Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,

During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,

The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,

All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,

Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,

Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that
since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they
start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)

Tell them that the reason why Aish and Chabad hate each other is
because the Rebbe was Water according to his astrological sign and
water and aish dont mix well,

In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so
its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,

So these days there has been lots of talk about labels within
Judaism, just last night I was talking to my aunt who was saying that I
should go out with girls from this and that kind of schools because you
cant get a yeshivish but you also don’t want too modern. So with that
continues the saga of the labeling. How far can we go with the labels?
I know many people hate them, but with more and more people
intermarrying and such I guess it may be necessary, also the frummer
people get or think they are getting, the more people need to classify
everyone who is less frum than they are. I have decided to compile a
list of the general and not so general ways to put people into boxes.
If you have any others please feel free to send em over and I will add
them to the list. I will start with the general terms.

Charedi- You are clutching a stone in your hand
while screaming shabbos at the top of your lungs on shimon hatzadik
street at kikar shabbos. The first movie you saw was ushpizim, your
bakery has separate lines for men and women. The women in Saudi Arabia
are treated better then in your neighborhood. You cross the street and
avoiud eye contact with any women. You have friends that are part of
the Niturei Carta. You think all gays should be burned at the stake.
Boro Park and Lakewood is for the modern orthodox.

Chasidish- Tucked neatly under your fury
Shtreimel is one of those yarmulkes that is of the bright black velvet
genre. Your peyos are a source of amusement as you twiril them behind
the counter at B&H. You like driving Acura MDX and Suburbans or 15
seater vans. 21 children does not make you cringe, it brings fond
memories of going with your folks to get brachos from the Skverer
Rebbe. Goyishe anything is shtus. And you wouldn’t go to a hotel unless
they had Chasidishe Shchita. The girls tend to wear black and grey
suits while the boys in the traditional garb. You never talk to women
or look them in the eye. And your kids stare at non- Jews or
non-chasidim when they get closer then 50 feet. Your wife wears a
shietle and a hat or one of those stinking turbans. The hamodia is your
only source of news besides occasionally listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Modern Chasidish- You have a blog and a frumster
account and regularly check up on your yeshivish friends on only
simchas who are getting married. You secretly have the internet and let
your children see Lipa Shmeltzer movies once in a while. TV is still
assur even though you have one behind the mirror in your bedroom that
you smuggled into your house in an air conditioner box. You don’t cross
the street when you see women and sometimes may look them in the eye if
it’s for business. You drive the same cars as other Chasidim but
secretly long for a sports car. Your wife may own a real sheitle and
not always wear those stupid looking hats, she might even let her hair
grow in a little bit.

Flexidish- You post ads on craigslist looking for
other Chasidism to partake in a gang bang or for frum married women
looking for same. You have a blog devoted to bashing Chasidim but, you
retain your identity through your garb as one of them. You go to strip
clubs, you cheat in money matters, you know every free porn site on the
net. You have the internet, you have a TV and you watch movies. You may
even eat non chasidishe shechite like or gasp Lubavitch shechite. You
do not keep kosher or shabbos but still consider yourself frum since
you have the look!

Yeshivish Black Hat- You wear a black hat, black
velvet yarmulke and love restaurants like Chop and Nosh and Dougies.
You tend to go to the country in the summer other wise known as the
Catskills and if you are a girl you are only attracted to guys who wear
black hats and black velvet yarmulke’s. Siyum Hashas is like the super
bowl for you and Pesach in Miami is for Apicorsim. You tend not to have
a television and sometimes go to movies if its Ushpizim or something of
the sort. You don’t let your children talk to girls and if the wear red
skirts or suede yarmulkes you think they are going off the derech. You
only sit in the separate section for concerts. You ask potential
shidduch’s for your children if they stack or scrape and if they voted
for Bush or not. Your children will go to college only if it is Touro.

Yeshivish Modern- Your children all received
black hats at their bar mitzvahs but rarely wear them anymore besides
when they come home from their year in Israel for the first few months.
TV without cable is allowed and some movies as long as they are PG. You
are most likely associated with Chofetz Chaim and your kids at one
point in their lives attended Camps Sternberg or Mogane Av or Dorah
Golding or maybe Romimu. Your children go to movies without your
permission and all have Ipods with non-Jewish music. You probably turn
on the oldies station when your kids are not in the car and know every
song by heart. Your kids grow up listening to the marvelous midos
machine, 613 torah avenue and uncle Moshe. You sit in the family
section at concerts. Your children all had peyos when they were younger
but at 13 cut them off. Your children attend a school that allows
striped or even blue shirts and your husband wears a baseball cap in
the summer with a polo shirt. Your kids will go to Queens or Brooklyn
College maybe Touro but YU is out of the question. You may read the
Jewish press but the Yated is your choice of news.

Modern Orthodox Black Hat: (yeshiva wannabes)
You may wear a black hat and send your kids to yeshiva, but you would
be considered modern by any real standards. Your kids all go to
college, even YU the ultimate desecration to a child according to real
yeshiva’s. 3 TV’s all with cable and dvd players sit publicly in your
home as well as a high speed internet connection. On shabbos you don
your hat and go to one of those basement shulls- where you only see the
people there on shabbos. The boys in your family tend to go to more
yeshivish schools then the girls, Sharei Torah, Yisodei, Chofetz Chaim
and the girls probably attend Bruriah or Shulamis. Going to movies is
fine and your kids are the only ones at your shull who are allowed to
talk to the opposite sex. You try and fit into the yeshivish circles by
telling people about how hardcore your parents were and what yeshivas
they went to as well as using words like dafka, shayich, nisrynos and
nishka freilich in your daily speech so you sound frummer than you are.
Usually the father of the house states that his family is yeshivish
while everyone else in the family realizes they aren’t. That set of old
tattered shas surrounding the big flat screen aint fooling nobody

Modern Orthodox Machmir- You came home from your
year in Israel wearing a black hat and your folks were scared. You go
to YU, and was an NCSY advisor growing up. The only Jewish music you
listen to is Blue Fringe, Soulfarm, Hadag Nachash, and Matisyahu. You
are addicted to only simchas, and have an account on frumster, future
simchas, and saw you at Sinai. Visiting Shadchuns is only for frummies.
You will probably marry someone from YU or Stern and move to Washington
heights or Teanack. You probably went to a coed camp like moshava, or
morasha or mesorah. Your parents are probably less frum then you are.
You will see movies and definitely own a TV, you tend to go to bars
only if it’s a Jewish event. You read the Jewish press and Blueprint,
and are a huge Harry Potter fan. You saw Borat because everyone else
did. You went on birthright and claim to be in a shomer negia
relationship. Actually all modern ortho machmir types ever talk about
is whether or not they are “shomer”. This is also the largest category
on frumster so maybe you are only in it for marketing purposes. You
tend to live in places like Silver Springs, the north in Toronto,
Teanack, Washington heights and Cederhurst.

Modern Orthodox Liberal- You tend to wear pants,
not plan on covering your hair and the mikvah sounds like a nightmare.
Guys tend to wear baseball caps and no set type of yarmulke. You
commonly refer to yourself as open minded. Kosher in the house, but in
Cancun you may be hungry and eat a tuna sandwich or salad out. Tznius
is un-womanly, and prohibitive in your mind. There is absolutely
nothing wrong with all sorts of entertainment live and un-live. Even a
bachelor party with strippers is fine. Jewish music makes your grind
your teeth and a mechitza at a wedding pisses you off, mixed dancing
tends to be ok. But this is a big category so no making judgments. You
tend to be democrats and bush haters. You went to an Ivy league school
and went on to persue your masters. You went to any number of schools
for high school. Ramaz, local coed Hebrew academy, Yeshiva Flatbush,
Frisch, of which you consider to be yeshiva. Tefilin dates are not
unheard of, and you call the upper Westside home if you are single.
Rabbi Berman and Avi Weiss are your halachic authorities and many a
time you will banish certain things as being for the ultra-orthodox.
You read the Jewish Week and hang out in Barnes and Nobles on Friday
night after dinner. Shull on shabbos is normal but other days is
another story.

Lubavitch (non-yechi)- Crushed hats and dirty
bekishes are all the rage as are having your tzivos HaShem yarmulkes.
You tend to wear brown, red or navy blue velvet yarmulke’s. You live in
crown heights. You tend to know dvar torahs that talk about gematria’s
and random Baal Shemtov stories. You can drink Smirnoff by the gallon,
and a fabrengen is your version of a frat party. The girls tend to be
good looking in shape and dress the least tznius out of all the frummy
sects. Red is allowed and those leather hooker boots are in seen when
looking up at the women on the upper level in front of 770. Meshichism
is not talked about much but you recognize the Rebbe is gone and pray
for moshiach. Matisyahu is your role model and Aish Discovery is the
work of the devil. You have cousins and siblings in every country and
state and are related to half of crown heights.

Lubavitch (Meshichist)- The same as above including
this. You are nuts and know it. You tend to be one of those guys who
yells all day long in 770 screaming yechi with no breaks. You think the
Ohel is just another chabbad house. You tend to resemble an elvis
impersonator with your actions. You are obviously unemployed or smoke
too much crack. You sing yechi like it’s the national anthem. Your
children wear yarmulkes that have yechi written across it. You will not
daven upstairs by the Rebbe’s study because you will beaten up if you
do. Oh and the girls are still hot and untznius.

Lubavitch Modern:
By roots you are Lubavitch, but by externals you look like a normal
modern orthodox family. No messy beards, no crushed hats, the men may
even wear ties on shabbos. You may either be a meshichist or not, you
tend to do everything in terms of movies, concerts, TV and other forms
of entertainment. The women in the family usually cover their hair with
scarves and other funky but frum items. College and careers are the way
to go, no shluchim in this family. Old habits are hard to break, when
you go to a Lubavitch shull you wear an old crushed hat and immediately
morph into the messy Lubab you once were. Instinctively in any shull
you look for that old trusty Tehilat Hashem siddur and you hum “al
teera” at the end of davening even though most shulls don’t say it, you
even try and force the congregation to sing shabbos musaf kedusha to
the traditional “vehu yigalenu” tune. You may hide your identity when
meeting a fellow Lubab and at any moment you feel like playing Jewish
geography you can bust it out again.

Carlebachian- Dreads, long hair, nose rings, 420,
learning kabbalah and anything Breslov, moshav moddiin, The Dead,
Moshav Band, long flowy flower dresses, no makeup, big white wrap
around pants, tichalis in your tzitzis, rainbow yarmulkes, tapestries
adorn your walls and your succah. Spiritual and crazy at the same time.
You tend to want to live in Israel, Boulder- Colorado or
Sedona-Arizona. Things like Rainbow gatherings, burning man festival,
phish shows, and the gefilte fish crew make your stomach warm and
fuzzy. You tend to be from modern orthodox homes and somehow in Israel
wind up spending a shabbos in Bat Ayin or Mashav Modiin and you are
love stricken with all the dread locks and free weed and learning of
chassidus. You tend to be a cross between a Breslover and a Lubavitcher
with a little Alan Ginsburg thrown in the mix. You tend to keep halacha
mostly besides hugging the opposite sex and drugs.

Shomer Mitzvot- This one’s on frumster and as far
as I can tell it is basically people who are frum but don’t like that
term. I would figure shomer mitzvoth would be the frummest of them all.
Keeping halacha with out all the BS, kind of like orange juice without
the pulp.

Conservadox- You are conservative but do not
support the recent decision to ordain gay rabbis. You keep a kosher
home, you eat Hebrew National, you probably eat milk and veggie out of
the house. Your shull has no mechitza but every one sits separately.
You speak Yiddish and half a bunch of orthodox relatives. You grew up
religious but drifted away. Your children will probably intermarry and
will either love or hate you and your old school ways. You vote
Democratic unless you are from the south. You look at the ingredients
to decide if its kosher. Ratners and 2nd avenue deli bring back fond
childhood memories.

Flexidox- One week you are frum the next you are
seen at McDonalds eating a cheeseburger. You were one of those kids who
was labeled as a kid at risk by the 1996 Jewish Observer article. You
used to be a big fan of Metallica and hang out on avenue J in Flatbush
trying to pick up girls. You have your highs and lows, you may attend
those shmuzim given by Rabbi Shafier from theshmuz.com to get inspired.
You tend to have only Jewish friends and go to Jewish parties. Kosher
meat is anything with split hooves and chewing of cud. Keeping kosher
is hard in New York for you. Modern orthodoxy is against the way you
were brought up. You are a product of priority one and Niveh or Ner
Jake. Oxy cotton and zanax are all the rage. You play a lot of online
poker and tend to download tons of movies.

612 Mitzvahdox 612er for short– You are frum, you
go to shachris, you learn every day bchavrusa, and you keep 100%
kosher. You tend to wear a yarmulke wherever you go and rarely watch
movies or TV. You just can’t give up sexual contact with the opposite
sex. You love sex and you have tons of it. I know tons of people like
this by the way. They are frum yidden besides for active sex lives. You
know tefilin dates. What’s a guy/girl to do?

Athiestadox- Jews who do everything with regards to
frumkeit but have absolutely no belief in what they are doing. It is
either done for routine, you know like without tzitzis on it just
doesn’t feel right. Or it is done because they live in a frum community
and don’t want to leave. Free shabbos meals and good food is one reason
I can think of. Maybe Jewish booty turns them on or maybe they were
brought up like this and have no head for perusing the truth with
regards to what makes them happy.

Ruraldox- The closest orthodox shull is 100 miles a
way so you attend the Reform Temple, until Chabad can move to your
town. The mikvah is a secret swimming home under a bridge, and closest
thing to kosher meat is extra firm tofu. You have never met another
orthodox kid your age until you went to Israel. You had no idea that
there were Jewish schools. You love the way bacon smells when being
fried up. A double barrel shotgun evokes memories of your first trap
shoot. You only wore your yarmulke once inside the temple and never
told anyone you were Jewish. You have no Jewish friends, and the temple
had services only twice a month. The closest thing to Chanukah you have
seen in a store were menorah Christmas ornaments.

Kahanadox- You tend be a proud mizrachi, taking p
space in a yeshuv or in Passaic and you carry your machine gun to shull
ready to mow down any Arabs that get in your way. Your nickname may be
the exterminator and it has nothing to do with working as an Orkin man.
You say hallel on Yom Haatzmout and on the day Rabin was assassinated.
Your hero is Baruch Goldstein and you support Bush as long as he keeps
up to date on his “crusade”. You are a religious Zionist and proud of
it. You children’s names all end with “ah” for the boys and “et” for
the girls (Yonah, or Ayelet).

Femidox- You proclaim yourself as orthodox but cant
stand the men having mitzvos that you do not, after all you want to be
as frum as possible. All women’s megillah readings, your own mezumins
and wearing tefilin and talis is your thing. Yarmulkes are not
necessary since you are already wearing a sheitle, but you wear tefilin
because Rashi’s daughters wore them, while you learn gemara just
because. You feel that mechitza’s are demeaning but know inside that
halacha prevails. The girls in the family always sing at shabbos lunch.
Kol Isha does not apply to you because if it’s a duet you cannot
discern the voices. Rabbi Avi Weiss is your hero as well as Shmuely
Boteach.

Issurdox- Everything is strict in your house. You
check your lettuce under a lamp with a magnifying glass. Your gasoline
has to be kosher for pesach. You dont eat matzo on Pesach except for
the first night because it may become gebrokts in your mouth. A kosher
home has to have a Pesach kitchen. The internet is for non-believers
and heretics. TV is strictly forbidden and you cross the street when
passing by an electronics store. Whatever the problem you always go
lichatchila or machmir. You shecht your own chickens ever since the
Monsey fiasco. Red is strictly forbidden as is anything that makes a
woman appear to have breasts or body parts at all. There is no such
thing as cholov stam. Sit ins are the only way your kids will marry.
Your shull has no mechitza, just a slot for the women in the front row
to see down through the cieling onto the bima. Your weddings have
seperate buildings for men and women. You find the Hamodia to be too
liberal since they have ads of things that write their websites.

Veganox- Yom Kippur is your favorite holiday
because there is no mitzvah to eat meat or fish and you cannot wear
leather. You have gotten a heter to wear synthetic tefilin straps. You
make a mean gefilte tofu. Your cholent is really just soy chilli. For
kapporos you use a rubber ducky or a duck decoy- that you unfortunately
have to buy in a hunting store. You fully agreed with PETA when they
caqme out with the report on Rubashkins. Shavuos is a soy milk holiday
for you. While people argue about politics in shull you argue about
karbunos and what a vegan cohen gadol is supposed to do. You have
different stories for every type of Jew when they ask you how you
became a veggetarian- because most Jews do not know what a vegan is.
Most people think you are crazy- and sometimes while shmoozing at a
kick ass smoargasboard you wonder it yourself.

Homodox
You admire Isaac Mizrahi, You have no intention of marriage. For a
bachelor, you have a really clean apartment! You admire “Rabbi” Steve
Goldstein. Your favorite film is “Trembling Before G-D” You’re having
an online betting on when YCT will follow JTS’s lead and become
inclusive to gays. Your favorite director is Eytan Fox. You took your
mother to “Fiddler on the Roof” on Broadway because you admire Harvey
Fierstein. You were disappointed he played Tevye, not Goldie. You place
ads on craigslist looking for “hot YU guys” and you know how to cook
and talk about wine. You love queer eye for the straight guy and wish
that sex in the city was with guy characters.

Permalink- to original post and comments.

http://frumsatire.net/2007/05/01/the-all-inclusive-guide-to-judging-and-labeling-every-orthodox-jewish-sect/

Originally posted on my blog http://frumsatire.net

Many people I know keep negia, they brave the dark waters of
celibacy and refrain from touching the opposite sex until marriage.
They piss and moan about how they could be getting some and how much
they miss their sex filled college days and so on. All of the sudden
these same people are seen hugging women, sometimes kissing them on the
cheek and I even get these random late night phone calls from
supposedly shomer negia folks who just got some action. Based upon my
experiences there are many sub-categories within the folks who claim to
keep negia.

SUO- shomer until opportunity:
This crowd is very common I have noticed, these are the folks who are
100% shomer until they wind up at some after work party with some
hottie hitting on them. The second the women show interest their once
fervent stance on keeping negia is lost to the prospect of some steamy
action. I think that many of these folks are the types that have hooked
up with girls/guys in the past and know how good it can be. These SOU’s
tend to not be the lifelong negia types. The folks who tend to be SOU’s
are usually older singles, Modern Orthodox Machmir, flexidox and
yeshiva rebels who frummed out in Israel- sorta.

Shomer N’fooling Around:
These folks are shomer when it comes to getting intimate, but when it
comes to having folks sit next to them, put their arms around them or
give them hugs they see no problem with this. Also in this crowd are
those folks that think sleeping in the same bed with their “good
friend” of the opposite sex- is no problem at all and they are just
friends. The folks in this crowd tend to be from Modern Orthodox
Liberal homes that brought them up in a very mixed yet protected
lifestyle. Touching is not bad before marriage but intimacy is.

SUE- shomer until engaged:
I can definitely relate to this category, I was engaged after all and
have come to the conclusion that unless you live in a community with
separate sidewalks for men and women- you have probably experienced
this sort of thing. I have spoken to many friends of mine many of whom
are full time Kollel and Rebbe types who have confirmed my suspicions.
Most of them deny getting all hot and steamy in the back seat of their
blue and wood paneled Chevy wagons held with bungee cords, but they do
admit to holding hands and hugging in dark corners of the top floor of
the midtown Marriott. I guess if you were shomer until you got enaged
you have to be higher then the MO-dox

SBD- Shomer by default:
If you could get some you probably would not be shomer, but since your
too stupid to figure out how to use chat rooms, the casual encounter
ads on craigslist and the poking mechanism on facebook you have
resigned yourself to a life of free porn and staring at women over the
mechitza. This category is filled up by nerdy and ugly folks who think
they don’t have a chance in the world to get some action. Let me tell
you something, anyone can get some if they tried just a little. These
are the type of folks that never speak up when their friends are
conversing with someone from the opposite sex and usually their friends
are too rude to introduce them.

SCT- Shomer cock tease:
I know its hard to belive that this exists but it does. Some women just
love to see men squirm and wonder how such beauty could be saved for
some guy in the near future. These women tend to be future hot chanie
and sheitle hooker types unless they already are. They prance around
all hot and done up, yet they act like they are all frum by telling you
they are shomer- almost spitting it in your face in fact.

SIP- Shomer in public:
They act shomer, but didn’t you just see them hug that person or give
them one of those reassuring massages that is basically a come on
without actually doing anything to frontal. I know plenty of these
folks, they are with their girl/boy friends and they don’t touch, they
even sit a little away from each other to act all frum and then boom- a
casual look under the table will reveal all hell is going on under
there. Footsie aint like it was when I was growing up.

ESN- extreme shomer negia:
I had this Rebbe in high school who would clear a line of people
whenever him or his wife had to exit shull. These are the types that
slam your change down on the counter rather them drop it in your hand.
These types also avoid eye contact as if that would make them want to
jump your bones and they try and act as rude as possible so you don’t
try and do anything stupid. These folks tend to identify with the
charedi movement and agree with the Saudis on many of their shomer
negia policies besides the honor killing stuff. These people also tend
to drink lots of mountain dew and ride skateboards for fear of walking
on the same ground as the opposite sex.

SBHS- shomer besides hand shakes:
Classic modern orthodoxy and even some of the frummier types will shake
a woman’s hand when the time calls for it. I don’t think there is
anything wrong with it. As Tupac says in the song “you wonder why they
call you bitch- business strictly business.”

SUD- shomer unless drunk:
I have a friend who would hook up with girls at parties when he got
drunk. He would call me up and tell me he did something stupid and I
knew exactly what it was, then he would learn some mussar and go about
his business with that feeling of guilt they pound into you during
yeshiva.

MSN- Militant Shomer Negia:
Does your town have one of those Vaad Hatznius organizations that
believes in threatening people because they may not keep negia? Have
you heard of guys/gals being beat up because they were seen talking to
each other? Separate halls at weddings for the men and women since the
Berlin Wall style mechitza’s are just not enough? When all else fails,
the charedim take to the streets to protest some sort of event in which
guys/gals may see each other. MSN folks are the type who would rather
see intermarriage then have groups like NCSY and any other sort of coed
programs. They also tend to believe in complete seperation unless its
child conceiving time, basically the women slaves over the child
rearing and food making while the man slaves over a gemara or diamond
counter. Looking at the opposite sex is counted as breaking shomer
negia.

SUH- shomer until horny:
These are my favorites, the folks who are hardcore shomer until they
cant take the pressure anymore. I am sure many of you may feel the same
way. In fact I was at the Homowack with my father a few years ago and I
met two single girls in their upper 20s. We got into a conversation
about being shomer negia and they revealed that besides holding hands
they, like good bais yaakov girls had never touched a guy. They also
revealed that they had made a pact, not unlike the one in the first
American Pie, in which they had both agreed to go out and have sex if
they weren’t married by 30, I said why wait? They haven’t contacted me
as of yet. Since many bloggers happen to be single women I am curious
if many of them feel this way. I also wonder about those frum older
singles- are they similar to the 40 year old virgin movie?

Read the nearly 200 comments posted on my blog:

http://frumsatire.net/2007/06/12/what-type-of-negia-do-you-keep/