
Exposed: The Jewcy Bacon Fetish |
|
| Before there was Swine Flu, Jewcy had Bacon Fever | |
by Jessica Miller, May 5, 2009 |
|
“I have no problem with this,” I admitted with ‘tude as I stared down into my Cobb salad.
It was day two of Passover, and, having stopped for lunch at a neighborhood eatery, I had opted for the salad (hold the bread on the side, please) instead of the usual K-for-P-violating sandwich.
Now, there I sat. With bacon on my fork.
As many times as I’ve had to explain to my non-Jewish friends that kosher for Passover doesn’t mean kosher, they still don’t seem to get it. Luckily, I have most of the Jewcy staff to back me up on this one.
I am about to let you in on a little secret that is shocking, but true. Jewcy people love bacon. So, so much.
I’d estimate that a whopping 10% of my own posts have had
something to do with bacon, but aside from that, you have no idea how much time
I have spent skyping with fellow Jewcers about the treif delight. I don’t know how it got started, but,
long ago, in a time before Swine Flu, every time something bacon related showed
up in a Jewcer’s Google reader, the rest of the staff knew about it within
approximately 30 seconds.
The Bacon-Themed Facebook Status: Guarenteed to generate wall traffic
And let me tell you, we have discovered some amazing things. Some of them have made it on to the site. But there is also a whole reserve of products that has thus far gone unmentioned, and that continue to be unearthed.
Take, for instance, two weeks ago, when Lilit took it upon herself to post a story about bacon-flavored lube on my Facebook wall. Or that time before our winter holiday party, when we found ourselves sort of bummed out about our incredible deal with Embittermints upon our discovery of bacon-flavored mints. At one point, Todd and I stumbled upon a purely bacon-themed news site to keep ourselves in the bacon-themed loop (this site also happens to have apparel that rivals the sexiness of the Jewcy thong.) We’ve found gummy bacon, gourmet bacon cocktails, even bacon dental floss. (it exists, you guys. I saw it at Ricky’s.)
A limit was reached recently when Lilit discovered Meatpaper, a magazine specifically designed for the carnivore. Get this: it recently ran a “Pig Issue” which included an article that suggested that bacon can cure a rare disease called furuncular myiasis. Hear that world? Bacon. Can. Cure. You. Cure! You!
Screw the what-if-I-have-to-get-a-pig’s-heart-valve-implanted-in-my-chest debate, this is taking it to the next level. Then again, not many people have problems with invasive fly larvae. But still.
So what is it about bacon, specifically? As a culture, we seem to be
obsessed. The truth is, bacon
represents a perfect extreme: a completely gratuitous and delicious rebellion
from a defining tenet of Judaism.
Bacon is hillarious in its offensiveness. And it just tastes so good.
Gummy Bacon: Actually tastes like strawberries, which somehow makes it more weird
Even my own family, which does not keep kosher, but won’t keep pork products in the house out of some sort of hereditary guilt will make an exception for bacon and a very scarce selection of pig-based foods. I have a vivid memory of my dad holding up a fried pork dumpling in his chopsticks and saying, “Well, if this is going to send me to hell, then I’d say it’s worth it.”
The truth is, bacon is irresistible. In the “so wrong, it’s right” kind of way.
So the next time you need a mildly offensive gag gift for your Jewish friend, or need additional ways of incorporating bacon into your life, just ask a Jewcer. They'll have you violating biblical codes in no time, and they'll do it with a smile.
Former Masturbators Get T-Shirt, Jesus as Consolation Prize |
|
by Jessica Miller, February 6, 2009 |
|
As you may know, we here at Jewcy have been busy launching some amazingly buzzworthy t-shirts. But, as it turns out, we aren't the only religion blog throwing our proverbial tees into the ring.
This week, we were challenged by the good folks over at P4CM.com, otherwise known as the Passion for (4?) Christ Movement, who have launched what they are calling the "Ex-Shirt" campaign, featuring solid colored shirts with bold text written across the front announcing what you quit doing for Christ's sake.
Now, I'm willing to admit that the Ex-Hustler and the Ex-Diva are a little bit cool. I'm even willing to ignore how much the Ex-Homosexual shirt makes me want to vom. But who, for the love of God, would want to wear this shirt?:
Well, those kids, I guess. It's not for the faint of heart though. As the Ex-Masturbator introductory video tells us:
We want you to rock it. You gotta have confidence though 'cause cats are gonna be clowning you. We already talked about, you know, you walk into the 7-11 and people are gonna be joking and snickering, and you almost want to direct it to those people and tell them you know, you all laughing probably because y'all still masturbating!
Yes, that's definitely why they're laughing. Well, to each his own.
P.S. Someone needs to gently explain to the girl in that video that, in this context, the word "bondage" doesn't mean what she thinks it means.
Federation of Jewish Men's Clubs Takes Tefillin 2 Da Streets |
|
| Tefleezy made easy | |
by Jessica Miller, January 30, 2009 |
|
Wrapping tefillin is one of the odder Jewish traditions. Between the box on the forehead and the the vaguely menacing straps running up the arm, those unfamiliar to the tradition can be left extremely confused when it comes to phylacteries. (By the way, is there a dirtier sounding word in Judaism than "phylacteries"?)
Anyway, luckily for the misinformed and the confused, the Federation of Jewish Men's Clubs has produced a rap, or "wrap," if you will, about tefillin -- complete with a catchy chorus, hot midwestern accents, and even (spoiler!) a sentimental reprise at the end. It's fun and educational, and here it is:
This Week in Jew(ish) Accessories |
|
| In which Hannukkah is hip and walruses play saxophones | |
by Jessica Miller, December 5, 2008 |
|
If you want to impress this Hanukkah, you've got to stay up on the trends. Here is some pre-Hannukkah internet reconnaissance for all you heebsters out there on what is in and what is out.
I'm Walking on Sunshine: Woah-oh!Spooky, Scary: Top Five Werewolf Bar Mitzvah Videos |
|
| It's a full moon...on the sabbath! | |
by Jessica Miller, October 31, 2008 |
|
When it comes to costumey holidays, Jews know what's up. Not only did we have Purim to look forward to back in March, but this year we can enjoy a spooky, scary shabbat, as Halloween falls on a Friday night. And even though John McCain might not be able to tell the difference between the two holidays (hey, blame Joe Lieberman), Jews have been able to claim Halloween for their own through such wonderful cult classics as 30 Rock's Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. As there is no official Werewolf Bar Mitzvah video, we dug around the youtube graveyard to find some amusing alternatives. Mazel Tov!
1. The Sims version
2. The one which is just disco lights spinning in circles.