As a straight white guy with a propensity for boozing, I feel qualified to observe that not only is everyone (at least) a little bit gay; everyone is (more than) a little bit racist. It doesn’t matter if you’re white, black, brown or tangerine; if you are a human being, you hold a few conscious or subconscious prejudices. And you’re a little bit gay.

Sen. Barack Obama’s speech on racial tension seems to have rescued his campaign from the liability of his radical pastor. He criticized whites for ignoring racial injustices such as our prison population and unequal public schools, but also hammered black leaders for their simmering resentments against Caucasians who have rejected bigotry for generations. It was a major break from conventional identity politics, and has received widespread praise as the most forthright commentary in decades, but a complete abandonment of America’s racial tensions might exceed our limited human capacity.

The speech came at an especially meaningful time for me. Over the last ten monthsYes We Can Stop Gentrification? I’ve lived in a mostly black neighborhood in Brooklyn, which has prompted a large degree of soul-searching. Although I lived in Washington, D.C. for six years, I spent most of the time in the “affluent” northwest quadrant. (Oh, there are so many fun words amongst real estate professionals that substitute for illegal ones: “young professionals,” “trendy,” “middle-class,” “lots of families,” “safe.”)

When I moved to New York, I only had two days to find an apartment. Rents in “affluent” neighborhoods with numerous “young professionals” are considerably higher than in “up-and-coming” neighborhoods. Whereas I lived in a luxury building in D.C. with a gym, pool, doorman, deck, chandeliered lobby and (most lavish of all) dishwasher, I was suddenly—thanks to my desperate rush and journalist’s budget—in a neighborhood where the only appetizing-looking restaurant is a McDonald’s, save for a Mexican eatery that gave me a gastrointestinal holocaust.

The real estate agent assured me that the neighborhood is “safe” and “middle-class,” but since I moved a few people have been murdered around the block and numerous delis have been robbed at gunpoint. Police sirens and car alarms blare throughout the night. Even the graffiti is graffitied. Drug dealers sometimes hang out at the self-service laundry, which might be okay if A) I hadn’t stopped smoking marijuana after college, and B) the drug they’re selling were marijuana.

Although I have not been threatened or mugged, I have notified my landlord that I am not renewing my lease. I will soon move to either a “nice” part of Brooklyn or “Manhattan below Harlem,” despite the exorbitant rents. Except here’s the thing: “nice” and “below Harlem” are fancy ways of saying “white,” or at least “whiter.” I don’t like to admit this; it makes me feel dirty, which is saying something.

Of course, I’m leaving because of the crime, and there’s nothing discriminatory about wanting to stay bullet-free. If the gangsters were white, I wouldn’t want to live around them either—and Little Italy is too touristy anyway.

But I can’t deny that part of my motivation for leaving is that I feel like an outsider. It’s not that I feel endangered walking down the street, or at least not most of the time, but I can feel eyes staring at me in the grocery store and subway station. I frequently remind myself that it’s a matter of class instead of race: poor whites are just as likely to commit crime as poor blacks, and it’s not like anybody wants to be poor. And it’s really not that bad here—a little “shady” (yet another word) but hardly an urban war zone, as Hollywood would have us believe. I play Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes inside my brain, trying to reassure myself that it’s important—for the good of my character and my country—to challenge my comfort zone. This is exactly what Obama urged last week.

When I first moved here I hoped that I would make a ton of friends, understand another culture and transcend the social barriers that have segregated our country long after the demise of Jim Crow. Unfortunately I haven’t gotten to know anyone, and have felt increasingly isolated. I could have tried harder, I suppose, but there’s an awkward cultural gulf between us. The neighbors are very nice people—they always offer to help if I’m carrying too many groceries or packages, which I would never expect of “affluent” snobs on the Upper West Side—but I can sense the tension in the air.

The tension stems from this, as some of the longtime residents have explained to me with a tone that is (usually) kind and patient, but frustrated: just as “young professionals” tend to prefer neighborhoods with other “young professionals,” the people who live in ethnic neighborhoods—and mine is largely Caribbean—are very proud of their cultures, and don’t always view Starbucks and luxury condos as signs of progress.

Often they view such things as harbingers of skyrocketing rents and dissolution of their tight-knit communities. I’m not the only “young professional” who has moved here recently, and many longtime residents fear the cultural onslaught of gentrification. Some believe there are positives, for example an influx of cash into local businesses and (supposedly) more police protection.

However, they don’t necessarily want their jerk chicken stands replaced with organic vegan restaurants and sushi fusion; they don’t necessarily want their churches replaced with $1,000 per month fitness clubs; they don’t necessarily want their way of life replaced with yoga-practicing, smoothie-sipping, insufferable bourgeois bohemian freakiness, which has happened over and over in this city. Just as “young professionals” don’t want to live in a “certain kind” of neighborhood, we aren’t always welcome in the first place. (Yesterday I heard one resident say to another as I walked by: “more white people—not a good sign.”)

Segregation was one of the most horrendous evils of our history, and Obama’s words are beautiful as usual. It might be harder for us to embrace one another’s culture, however, than to simply ignore one another’s skin color. We are all afraid of something and weak in some way—everyone gravitates toward the familiar—but human nature isn’t always the problem; sometimes it’s the limits of our nature.

Te’DeVan “Rocketman” Kurzweil is the quintessential Jewish New Yorker bohemian weirdo. A six-foot-seven-inch faith healer, freestyle rapper and former nude comedian, Te’DeVan is a local legend who makes his living in tips from those whom he cures and entertains. (I first interviewed him for New York Press in 2002 when he tried to convince everyone in Times Square that terrorists were operating a Queens grocery store.)

Now he is taking his message to the national stage through a bizarre presidential campaign. He has garnered supporters at numerous music festivals and university campuses—from California to Tennessee to Washington, D.C.—and on the Internet at his personal blog.

Six feet seven inches of presidential candidate: RocketmanAre Americans ready for a six-foot-four Jewish faith healer as their leader? Can you "heal" this nation with your supernatural abilities?

Actually it is six-foot-seven-inch Jew. See how the media is already lying trying to diminish my physical size? Because everyone knows that height matters in political campaigns.

I would not consider my healing to be mine, but rather God's healing. With enough willpower, clarity of mind, and compassion we can all heal this country.

Are you running an actual campaign or is this a work of performance art?

I am not honestly sure if the two differ these days.

When you don't have a lot of money or the high brand name visibility, you have to incorporate a high level of entertainment to get everyone's attention.

Are you registered as a candidate in any state? Can people actually vote for you?

Our team of lawyers is attempting to get me registered as a candidate, but the combination of ageism and anti-Semitism might make this a serious challenge. Since we live in a democracy, of course people can vote for me and my wing-mate Smiley along with our ever-expanding Infinite Cabinet. People are voting for me as a write-in candidate while other people are merely voting for me in their hearts and minds.

Anti-Semitism is keeping you off the ballot? What?

Ageism, not anti-Semitism. The Constitution supposedly says you have to be 35 years old, but the government doesn't really follow the Constitution anymore on most matters. To follow it because I am not of legal age seems absurd to myself and the Infinite Cabinet.

He's no Lieberman: Te’DeVan's running mate Who the fuck is "Smiley"?

He is a lifeguard, Ferris wheel operator, bouncer and philosopher, currently residing in New Jersey until we get the biodiesel buses ready to roll. His first words to me on top of a beach pier across from a police station were: "Hey, you want to start a revolution?"

My response was "Hell to the yeah." A great friendship was forged.

What is your platform?

1) Stop killing people we don't know. Start helping people we do know right at home who are struggling with healthcare, the economy and the price of education.

2) Fess up to global warming and take serious initiatives to clean up the planet. We need clean air, water, and organic apple pie.

3) End the war on drugs. If we can't keep drugs out of prisons, why are we spending billions to keep them out of the country? Decriminalize pot. We have too many people going to jail for this -- it's flooded the courts and it's a waste of taxpayers' money. In many cases, prescription pills are more dangerous gateway drugs.

4) It's insane how many people we have in prison. We went from a prison population of 300,000 in 1981 to 2.1 million in 2004. At that rate, by 2027 we'll have 14.7 million people in prison. That is absurd.

5) Lower the voting age to 12. We will settle for 16. If we're going to turn these kids into pill poppers, we might as well make them lever-pullers, especially if we're going to try them as adults for murder.

6) Bring sexy back to the White House. Justin Timberlake was onto something. All these other politicians don't know how to act.

7) Give out three million college scholarships. Being educated and being in debt should not go hand in hand.

Eyes like Isaiah and a beard like Moses: Te’DeVan the prophetWhat inspired the campaign?

Once the primaries are over, it's business as usual for the major candidates. Issues become forgotten. Voters focus on the next pop star instead. Who can blame them? We have unlimited choices of shampoos and conditioners but only two choices for our world leader.

How are you using the Internet to campaign?

We are using MySpace, Facebook, Tribe, and YouTube, and we're selling the campaign on eBay. Smiley said that if big tobacco and the oil companies can buy a campaign, why not the American taxpayer? So eBay just might save the American democracy.

What do you mean, you're "selling the campaign"?

Politicians are bought and sold all the time. Campaigns are commodities. They spend over $300,000,000 to get a job that pays about $400,000. Obviously something is skewed here. I don't know of any servant position-public or private-that pays less then .013 of what it costs to obtain it. That is total insanity.

We are offering a service to bring back democracy in America. We will spend the money on biodiesel buses, food, and video equipment to document our great adventure.

What is your most memorable campaign experience so far?

I would say the overwhelming response we received at Bonnaroo (a music festival in Tennessee) where the other candidates dared not tread. We got some coverage from Current Television and Country Music Television. A lot of hands were shaken and pictures were taken. A lot of support was pledged.

Are people volunteering to help your campaign? Do you have any kind of staff?

We have staff working around the clock. We can't even keep up with all the different efforts. The staff is affectionately known as the "Infinite Cabinet" and is always expanding.

I think it's gonna be a long long time: On the campaign trail How many states have you campaigned in? How many do you plan to campaign in?

We have Infinite Cabinet members in all the states, including overseas, spreading the word about our campaign and the Infinite Cabinet. I am pushing to focus mainly in Hawaii knowing full well that surfers love us and that victory will be assured. Of course, the Infinite Cabinet in their infinite wisdom have a different plan of action.

How have colleges responded to you showing up and spreading the gospel to students?

We have rocked the college campuses hard, but until last month we were understaffed. We move more rapidly than plates of cocaine through the White House. And sometimes we garner too much attention. We're the bad boys of American politics. Just like the Pistons back in the days of Isaiah.

You have told me that you consult with psychic advisors. What do they say about your political quest?

According to our spiritual consultants, we are certain to be a factor in the outcome amongst the spirits polled in the Gallup poll. There is a margin of error of about three to five percent. We are certainly one of the most unique and all-encompassing campaigns, and we are going the long haul to the finish line.

What do you want to accomplish with this campaign?

We want to galvanize the apathetic, disenchanted, disenfranchised masses. We want to make the election prospects better for politicians who actually want to enact changes. We want to say, "Your vote may not always count but your voice certainly does, so speak up."

Best:

"Certainly it's a reminder that 'the troops' are hardly marching in lockstep behind the Bush/McCain perpetual war agenda."
—Matthew Yglesias on U.S. soldiers' greater support for antiwar candidates

Worst:

"How dare anyone unilaterally decide when to turn the page on history, papering over real inequities and suffering constituencies in the promise of a feel-good campaign? How dare anyone claim to unify while dividing, or think that to rouse U.S. youth from torpor it’s useful to triage the single largest demographic in this country’s history: the boomer generation—the majority of which is female?"
—Robin Morgan on Barack Obama

(Wow, the use of italics actually makes the woman who once advocated "man-hating" as an "honorable and viable political act" sound more unhinged. How is that even possible?)

Super Tuesday was a clear victory for Sen. John McCain, who now has 300 more delegates than former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. After the landslide McCain boasted, "Although I've never minded the role of the underdog ... I think we must get used to the idea that we are the Republican Party front-runner." (Apparently McCain is now using the Royal "We.")

On the Democratic side things are far less certain. Sen. Hillary Clinton captured the big prizes -- California and New York -- but Sen. Barack Obama scored more delegates. Major media outlets are crowning Hillary as the Super Tuesday winner, but she had previously sworn to have the nomination locked up by now. Time is much kinder to Obama, and a possible Gore/Edwards endorsement could seal the deal.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee performed much better than expected, capturing many states in the South. Prior to Super Tuesday prominent analysts believed that Huckabee would drop out of the race today, but he has vowed to continue his campaign, angering the Romney camp because splitting the vote makes McCain's cakewalk that much cakier.

(In related news, at this very moment Mike Huckabee moaned with a drool-oozing grin: "Mmmmmmm.... caaaaaake....")

The voters have spoken....

Annnnnnnnnnd they're still speaking. A victor has been declared in only one state, West Virginia, where Mike Huckabee has secured the Republican delegates. The Romney campaign accused Huckabee and McCain of striking a "shady" deal to deprive the Mormon millionaire of votes. Romney also compared McCain to former Sen. Bob Dole, the failed 1996 GOP nominee. 

Obama has increased his prospects by nine percent since yesterday. He and Hillary are equally likely -- 49 and 50 percent respectively -- to secure the most votes. But voters in liberal strongholds Los Angeles and New Jersey have had trouble voting due to missing and malfunctioning machines. 

If you truly have no life, you can look at this slide show of polling places. At least it beats looking at the crumbling stock market. Will it even matter whom we elect when everyone resorts to cannibalism?