Amidah Improvement Campaign Wiki

"My Lord, open my lips, that my mouth may declare Your praise."

Ahhhhhh, yeaahhhhh, you know what time it is. For it's with that glorious utterance that we al-Yahud announce that we're about to get busy with the Jewish prayer par excellence. It's the Amidah, aka the Shemoneh Esreih, the prayer so big and so bad and so central to Jewish liturgy that, shit, we just call it "the tefillah", "the prayer". No elaboration necessary.Hashem: Has heard the Amidah over 1,000,000,000,040 times

And you know, it never gets old, does it? Never loses its freshness. Sure, we've been reciting the same prayer three times a day, every day, for the past 19 centuries...but doesn't it just get better each time? I have to admit, though, that sometimes I worry that Hashem wants me to skip to the end. I mean, he's already heard it--let's see, 19 centuries, 365 days a year, 3 times a day, maybe an average of 500,000 Jews davening per day--that means Hashem has heard the sweet words of the Amidah about one trillion, forty billion times. If you round down.

Now I can listen to songs on repeat like ALL day. It's crazy. You get the right song on my iPod, and I'm all set. So I think I know how Hashem feels about the Amidah. He hears it, and it like puts him in his zone and shit. He feels the same way about the Amidah as I do about Long December by Counting Crows. A diamond never gets old.

And anyway, if there were a problem, he'd let us know, right? I mean, he took the time in Deuteronomy to confide to us that he's a jealous God, and a vengeful God. So if it were an issue he could just sit us down for a little intervention, just to let us know that, hey, he loves us and all, but he's become a bored-out-of-his-fucking-mind God. He could do that, right? It wouldn't be awkward or anything. He knows we could take it.

But sometimes I get bored. And sometimes I even get a little pissed. Because my siddur is very clear: the Amidah is my one chance to petition Hashem, to bring pressing issues to his attention. And look, I wouldn't waste an audience with the Dalai Lama blathering on about nonsense...and Hashem is WAY bigger and more powerful than the Dalai Lama, so how much less sense does it make to fritter away my audience with him by talking about things I'm not interested in.

And it can’t just be me. I know you feel the same way. Do you really think we're picking the right talking points, here? I mean, do we really want to be using this time to ask Hashem to bless our crops and give us plenty of dew and rain? And what about that part about “breaking enemies and humbling wanton sinners.” That’s some cold shit. I don’t want that at all. And begging Hashem to restore the Davidic dynasty? I’m totally sold on the whole “representative government” thing…if David’s heirs want to show up and run for city council, or something, that’s fine. But keep it electoral, guys. To be honest, the whole list of 19 petitions kind of sucks. Maybe it was hot when they first wrote it up at the end of the 1^st century, but now it’s just stale.

So just as an experiment, let’s try bringing the Amidah up to speed with the desires and concerns of today’s Jew. Forget that archaic stuff for now. Let’s write up a new list of the the 19 things that the 21^st century Jew most desperately wants from Hashem.

As an added incentive to contribute, Jewcy editor in chief Tahl Raz, who is a real real big tzaddik and also a real real big mekubal, has promised to daven with whatever new Amidah we come up with, and to make a Jewcy podcast out of it.

So here it is. Get cracking. We want a list of nineteen. I put down the first four, and I filched the fifth from Jonathan Sacks, the Chief Rabbi of England. You give us the rest. Just throw it down. Hit the edit tab on the top-left of this page, add one or more to the list, or edit the ones that are already there, then hit submit.

בשר זה רצח,

Joey

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1) Dear Hashem, please get rid of the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, already. I know it’s a good read, and you probably thought it was funny or interesting or ironic or something when you first put it into the mind of the tsar-era Russian secret policemen who fabricated it. To be honest, Hashem, who the hell knows what you were thinking with that one. And now the Arabs are reading it! So please just get rid of it already. The joke’s over. Amen.

2) Dear Hashem, speaking of the Arabs, would you please, like, soften their hearts or whatever already? This is getting out of hand. Israel's been around for almost sixty years. We're ready for more milk and honey in the Promised Land, and less jihad and martyrdom operations. Yeah, thanks in advance for that. Amen.

3) Dear Hashem, thanks for all these crazy Jew-loving evangelicals. It’s been an unexpected treat, a real departure from what we’re used to. But Hashem…please don’t let it go somewhere bad. Amen.

4) Dear Hashem, if you could make the next Ultimate Fighting champion a Jewish guy, that would be unbelievably cool. And make him real tough and stoic, not neurotic at all, but still real smart and proud to be Jewish. OMG, that would be so amazing! Amen.

5) O God of Peace,
Who commands us to seek peace,
Send peace to the people of Darfur.
O God of compassion,
Who hears the cry of the afflicted,
Hear the cry of the victims,
The bereaved, the injured,
And all those who live their days in fear.
Rouse the hearts of the leaders of the world
To put an end to the bloodshed, the violence,
The rape, the starvation, and the terror,
That has ravaged and endangered an entire population.
Be with those who are working for peace,
Or tending the sick,
Or bringing food to the hungry,
Or shelter to the homeless,
Or hope to those are close to despair.
O God of justice and love,
Let us not be indifferent
To the cry of the persecuted
And the tears of those who have seen
Their homes, their families and their communities destroyed.
And may their plea and their plight
Reach the ears and hearts of those who have it in their power
To bring peace to a troubled region
And aid to a devastated people.
Oseh shalom bimromav:
May You who makes peace in Your high places
Help us make peace down here on earth. Amen.

6) Hey G-d. (They put the fear of, well, you into my head at day school, and now I can't even spell out your name for fear of cosmic retribution, even though I know that's superstitious and dumb.) Anyway, what's up? How about fostering in the hearts of industrialized people and politicians and capitalists and your everyday meat-eaters some sense of active responsibility to the natural world? Please help us to help ourselves by not raping and plundering the earth and its creatures. You gave us everything we need to thrive and be happy here, and we're systematically fucking it up by ruining our ecosystem for short-term enjoyment of A/C and burgers and enormous hormone-addled Thanksgiving turkeys and shit. It's gross, it's scary, and it's not gonna work out well for any of us. Please help us all understand that on a daily basis.

7) And also? I really hope my babies don't have Tay-Sachs.

8) Dear G-d, I believe, or sort of believe, but in this modern world, I have difficulty establishing a personal relationship with you. I want to feel like you care, and feel the joy of prayer. Please imbue my words with meaning, and guide my thoughts and reflections so that I may know you, and that you may know me.

9) Dear God, please don't let anyone start a nuclear or biological war. You've invested too much time and effort in creating this beautiful planet for you to let us destroy it within a matter of days. Make us wiser and less hateful.

10) Dear God, please tell those who believe so fervently in you, that they'd sacrifice their own and others' lives in your name, not to do you any favours. Teach them to mellow out and mind their own damn business.

11)Blessed are You Lord our God,
God of compassion and mercy.
Accept Your Children Israel
As You have created them.

12) You who are all knowing and all seeing;
Does the fish choose to swim or the bird to fly?

13) El Rahum v’Channun;
Hear the cries of the sons of David and Jonathan
O God of Light
Remove the darkness from the eyes of the mother Rachel.

14) King of Heaven
Who created man in His image;
Help Your people Israel to exhibit compassion;
And to heal the world as You have commanded.

15) ) Hear our prayers.

17) Desire our worship and return your presence to Zion.

18) We give thanks to you.

19) Grant us peace.

Amen.