Family Life

Please, please, please: be careful.I was reading tonight about the rabbi who wrote a letter of apology to her congregation after being busted for driving under the influence. Rabbi Amy Bernstein of Temple Israel in Duluth, Minnesota had apparently shared a bottle of wine with a few people and then was speeding home in hopes of arriving before her daughter's bedtime when she was pulled over for going about 75 in a 55 mph zone on an icy night with a .11 percent blood-alcohol level.

There are some cringe worthy factors in her situation-- drinking and driving, icy weather, speeding-- at .11 she wasn't sober but she likely wasn't completely wasted, either, and it's not uncommon to drive over the speed limit, and certainly not unusual in the least for a parent to step on the gas a little in anticipation of time with their children. Fair enough. And, Rabbi Bernstein wrote a very humble and, I thought, beautiful letter to her congregation stating, “We have got to be really attentive to our own inner lives and our own best practices and the need to slow down in general — the need to stay centered and whole so that we don’t get careless. Because that’s what happened — I got careless. Those of us who teach about that need to take our own advice.’’ Rabbi Bernstein, who has been planning to take a three-month sabbatical in Israel since before this incident then wrote, "“This incident has shocked me into awareness that there are several important things that need my careful attention right now. I promise to make my time in Israel a time of real inner work and careful reflection on the meaning and direction of my life.’’

I like her letter. Her congregation is standing behind her, and I think that's honorable and I would hope I would and could do to same if my own rabbi was in Rabbi Bernstein's shoes. Also in her letter, she wrote, “… This has been a traumatic wake-up call for me and I can only beg your forgiveness and promise that it will, of course, not happen again.”

Personally, I hope she means what she wrote, which I'm sure she does. I'm sure she's a fine person, a wonderful person, even, and I don't think she's a bad person for what she did. But more than anything else, I hope her congregation was listening, and I hope with everything I have that her congregation took her words personally, and took them in and will think very hard about their own actions.

You see, that is my hope because, I have a little bit different perspective on DUI. I lost a beloved family member to a drunk driver when she was only twenty-four years old. The driver responsible for her death was, like Rabbi Bernstein, driving with honorable intentions, eager to reach family on the other side of his drive. He was certainly a fine enough and well-liked person in the community, certainly not meaning to hurt anyone and, I honestly believe, absolutely not intending to kill anyone, but, in his case, tragically and quite accidentally, did.

If you have a problem with alcohol and you are ready, please consider talking to your Rabbi or family, or whoever, or maybe touching base with JACS, or checking out many of the meetings that are starting to be held in shuls now, instead of just churches. A lot of us, and I'll be the first to admit I've caught myself thinking this, have this thinking that we, Jews, because of reverential feelings for kiddush or for whatever reason, are somehow exempt from alcohol-related issues, but it's just not true and I've got to think that we're doing ourselves a major disservice by not recognizing members of our community who need our support.

But, let me be completely clear. I only mention substance dependency because we're talking about booze, but I do not, under any circumstances, think that people who are driving under the influence are alcoholics. Some probably are, but, honestly, I worry more about the casual drinkers. We all keep our eyes on the big boozers in the circles we run in and we know not to let them drive under any circumstances. But, the casual drinkers who just catch a nice buzz then decide to head home seem like they're not doing too terrible of a thing, as if surely the "don't drink and drive" slogans aren't talking about them, surely not, but let me tell you under no uncertain terms that it only take a moment of lapsed judgment or a second of delayed reaction to make everything horribly different. And, let's be honest, we've all probably, at one time or another in our lives, driven or started to drive and only then realized we maybe were a little in the cups. We've probably all driven at one point when we probably should have not.

So, it's my hope that we all really think very carefully of Rabbi Bernstein's words, not only on this issue, but in many areas of our lives, and that we take them very personally and really hear them:

"We have got to be really attentive to our own inner lives and our own best practices and the need to slow down in general — the need to stay centered and whole so that we don’t get careless."

And the award: goes to....Okay, okay, so a couple of shitstorms this week. We're a discussion-ey people, these things happen. Predictably, I sat down to write a post about Benjamin E coming to Tamar's defense over the Shomer Negiah post and breaking things down into smaller units of discussion to keep the fight clean and productive, and Tamar's subsequent declaration of love to Benjamin E. Comment of the Week Gold, let me assure you.

But, I realized nobody really touched the anonymous comment that not only missed the point of the comment it was in response to, but named Conservadoxy invalid Judaism, and rather boldly marched into the territory of what movement of Judaism one feels they are a part of versus being declared unfit to be in the movement of Judaism one feels they are a part of. While there is a lot to discuss there, well, there is something not-quite-right to me about declaring an anonymous comment the comment of the week (Oh, I'll catch it right in the face for that, I'm sure).

Hang on, hear me out. I don't mean anything mean by it-- anyone has the right to post anonymously if they'd like, but I think there's something to be said for leaving your name. In a way, when I see an anonymous commenter leaving something really ballsy, I feel for them. I can't help but wonder if the commenter is able to be assertive in their real life. Unfortunately, in my experience a lot of us take anonymous comments rather lightly because somewhere, we're thinking, "Forget it. If s/he really meant that, s/he would have claimed it." It's easy to say something potentially volatile if nobody knows who you are, but some part of me questions the motive for posting anonymously. Do you not really believe in what you're saying? Are you afraid someone will be angry with you if you say what you really think? Just things I wonder about, because I can't possibly fathom the motivation for posting both aggressively and anonymously. I'm mean that. What's the worst that could happen if we all just said what we thought, you know, as ourselves? Really, I'm trying to nudge/encourage more than I am out to rag anyone.

But, I'm getting off task here. The real shocker to me, and thus, the Comment of the Week is that it was not until the eleventh comment that someone inquired about the Shomer Negiah panties. Respectful, eyes-averted, modest hat tip to Soccer.

Girls Write Now: Show a little love, eh?According to the National Association of Secondary School Principals (NASSP), low literacy ability leads to low grades and low achievement levels—which can and usually does then ultimately lead to a high drop-out rate. In the same report, it is noted that of high school seniors, way less than half read at a level required to comprehend a school textbook. The focus of curriculum being on standard testing in the US at the moment allows students little time to explore artistic and literary pursuits, and so writing programs are just not available to students. In a 2000 SCANS Report, research showed students with access to music, theater and creative writing all performed better than students without.

So, recently, when I learned about a truly wonderful organization that is doing some really incredible work in this area, I knew I'd found an organization I wanted to support. Meet Girls Write Now, an organization that "provides a safe and supportive environment where girls can expand their natural writing talents, develop independent creative voices, and build confidence in making healthy choices in school, career and life." Sounds great, right? Wait, wait, it gets even better!

Girls Write Now "provides at-risk New York City high school girls with emerging writing talent an opportunity to be custom-matched with a professional woman writer who serves as her personal mentor and writing coach, meeting with her weekly for the duration of an entire school year, and for up to four years. GWN also enrolls each student in a vibrant writing community — all mentees and mentors gather monthly for genre-based group writing workshops conducted at our offices within Teachers & Writers Collaborative in midtown Manhattan. The year is punctuated by three annual readings, college and career prep seminars, field trips to cultural events, and endless opportunities for scholarships and publication. The magic of the program is reflected in a solid nine-year track record, a 75-percent member retention rate, a 100-percent college acceptance rate, an annual anthology of original writing, and the seven-genre portfolios each student emerges equipped with each season. Founded in 1998, GWN was the first organization to ever present this combination of powerful services, and it continues to be the only program of its kind in the eastern United States."

Helping Others: To Do Their Best Girls Write Now has, in addition to mentoring sessions, writing workshops, a reading series, a Life Adventure series of writing and performance workshops, support for students parsing through the rigors of college admissions, events and activities, and scholarships and contests, but they created Girls Write Forever, a program that helps give supporters so many options to ensure the good work of Girls Write Now can continue into the future. (Now, if I can just figure out where they sell those great t-shirts!)

To support this organization with a donation or an in-kind donation please click here. To volunteer, here, and for litty girls in New York City, click here. And, if you find yourself in New York on January 18th, and you do roll on Shabbes, by all means, get yourself to the Winter Pair Reading and see your ten bucks doing a lot of good.

(I'm an oft-multi-tasking dumb-ass, and failed to save this post, written prior to Shabbes, properly, so we'll operate in the better-late-than-ever/glad-I-decided-to-work-on-Sunday mindset, yes? Great. In any case, I beg your pardon.)

In November, I remember reading about a Jewish cemetery near Baltimore getting vandalized and thinking, "What if surviving relatives can't afford to restore the headstones?" and only paragraphs later reading a spokesperson's statement:

For gravestones that cannot be traced to a family, Mr. Cohn said the congregation will likely absorb the cost of repair, which he said will be about $125 per stone. He said the cemetery – which likely dates back to the mid-19th century, according to the congregation—is not insured for vandalism, and perpetual care only covers the upkeep of the grounds.

“Morally and ethically, it’s our responsibility. But legally, it’s not. Families will have to pay for it, and we feel very, very bad about this,” said Mr. Cohn, who noted that the congregation plans to install high-intensity lighting at the cemetery. “It will cost us, it will cost the families, and we’ll absorb what we can. But it’s limited. Where are the funds? It’s not like, bingo, we have the funds.”

If you want to fuck with me: then fuck with me. Not dead people.On Jan 1st, a Jewish cemetery back east in New Brunswick, NJ was vandalized, and I quickly found mention of a restoration fund in an article reporting the arrest of the teenagers responsible for the damage.

About a week ago, here in Chicago where I live, someone, or a group of someones probably, broke onto the grounds of Westlawn Jewish cemetery and vandalized gravestones with swastikas, line-slashed Magen David symbols, threats, slogans... the usual hate graffiti schtick.

Anyway, the price tag on getting things back in order is estimated to be between $100,000 and $150,000 and thought there are some unclear bits of information floating around here, it seems that the financial responsibility is falling upon surviving families. I haven't heard anything official from the JUF, as far as funds being used to offset their expenses, but I'm sure it's either forthcoming, or I've just yet to track it down. In any case, the cost is going to be considerable, every bit will surely count, and my feeling is that because hate against some of us is hate against all of us, and so responsibility also falls equally.

I'm sure earmarked donations would be welcome here:

Westlawn Cemetery and Mausoleum (Vicki Pulido, General Manager), 7801 W. Montrose Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60706
(773) 625-8600

 

Oy vey: Try as some might, ya can't please everyone.What was up with all the "0 comments" this week? I'll not kvetch too much, because I'll take a slow week for comments over a shitstorm freakout in the comments sections any day, truth be told. Oy. Don't get me wrong, though, the comments we did have were all appreciated, most were wonderful, and a few were even quite funny.

My personal feeling, well one of them anyway, about humor is that it is a bit of an information lubricant, if you will, making oft complex issues digestible, or at the very least, as was the case here, illustrating an alternative point-of-view, especially in the middle of a potentially frustrating discussion, respectfully and in a non-threatening manner. Bonus if the chuckle isn't had at anyone's expense, either. When things aren't threatening, people tend to listen and hear opposing viewpoints better, and so on and so forth. Not to say that it's wrong to be pissed off and chew someone's as, if that's your bag, but I tend to appreciate the lost art of discussion quite a bit. I also tend to enjoy a nice dose of sarcasm or snark here and there, too.

That said, without further ado, fresh from a discussion this week about Agunot, getting a get, nasty divorces and separation of religion and civil matters, I bring you the comment of the week, a line from a longer comment by David Strauss, that used his simple-yet-impossible-goal imagery to make this point about a man denying his wife a get and thus preventing her from remarrying:

"What he did is cruel, but it's the civil equivalent of me removing all the black tiles from a hallway and someone complaining that they couldn't get to the restroom because they can only walk on black tiles."

But, what really sealed it all up for me this week, in terms of what I'd possibly pick to write about tonight (let me pause here and assure you I got permission to reference this email by its sender), came right after, when a former coworker I'd lost touch with years ago emailed me privately and quite out-of-the-blue to ask quite earnestly if I had "any blessed clout" here at Jewcy to remove the comment out of respect for people with color-preferential obsessive-compulsive disorder.

 

Oh, big news in the world of Agunot this week!

Fear not, Agunot!: Canada will save you. But, should it?Canada doesn't mess with religious matters in its courts so much, but the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that the civil divorce agreement signed by Jason Marcovitz, in which is specifically agreed to give his wife, Stephanie Bruker, a get, was declared a valid contract that overrides his assertion for protection under freedom of religion. (Having never been divorced myself, is it standard in a civil divorce to specify a get to be forthcoming? I would imagine not and that this case could potentially hyper-sensitize civil divorce language if a husband has any inclination towards hesitating on the get, no?) The couple married in 1969 and obtained a civil divorce in 1980, with Marcovitz initially agreeing to give a get and later changing his mind, until 1995 when he did finally give her a get, at which point she was 46 years old, past child-bearing age for many women, as the court noted.

So, the court awarded his ex-wife almost $50K in damages, on the grounds that her ability to remarry and have more children was blocked by Marcovitz's lack of cooperation. (What, do you think, is a fair settlement for being barred from remarrying and having children or more children? Can you put a price on that, really? And, is it somehow worth more or less in damages if there were no previous children? Discuss.)

Evelyn Brook, president of the Canadian Coalition of Jewish Women for the Get, called the decision "a great relief." The ruling "does not say that he had to give her a get. It simply said that because he didn't, then there are things to forfeit," Brook told JTA. "For every husband who has gone back on his promise" in a divorce settlement, "this makes a difference." While many women's groups are gung-ho about this ruling, yet many in the legal world aren't so sure this is a good thing, as this ruling could be the first bit of tiptoeing into religious meddling by courts.

Marcovitz's complaint and reason he claimed to withhold the get from Bruker was that she'd had breached their civil agreement by becoming less observant and by turning the couple's daughters against him. This decision was reached 7-2 by Canada's Supreme Court, with the dissenting judges stating Marcovitz's promise was nothing beyond a moral obligation and that "finding otherwise will expand courts into areas where they have no jurisdiction", JTA reports this morning.

The Marcovitz/Bruker case was the first to be presented to Canada's Supreme Court since Ottowa's amendment to the Divorce Act in 1990, which prohibited people from creating or maintaining obstacles for their former spouse to marry religiously.

Surely we have an Agunot or two in our readership that could provide some insight here? Surely a few people with greater knowledge of the Canadian legal system than I can offer? Or, with great knowledge of American family law and how, if at all, this ruling could make waves in our courts...?

 

 

Man, I forgot all about this guy's song. Well, let's dust it off and enjoy it another year, even if it is a day late. (And, on a related note, hit Tamar's post that ponders our actions on Christmas and Easter.)

I don’t know if it’s the so-called “holiday spirit” or what, but reading this made me all teary and ridiculous.

From officer and orphan to father and son
An American soldier's familiarity with a sick Iraqi boy grows into strong familial ties

By Carrie Antlfinger | Associated Press
December 25, 2007

MAUSTON, Wis. - Capt. Scott Southworth knew he'd face violence, political strife and blistering heat when he was deployed to one of Baghdad's most dangerous areas.

All Together Now:: Awwwwwww

But he didn't expect Ala'a Eddeen.

Ala'a was 9 years old, strong of will but weak of body -- he suffered from cerebral palsy and weighed just 55 pounds. He lived among about 20 kids with physical or mental disabilities at the Mother Teresa orphanage, under the care of nuns who preserved this small oasis in a dangerous place.

On Sept. 6, 2003, halfway through his 13-month deployment, Southworth and his military police unit paid a visit.

Ala'a spoke to the 31-year-old American in the limited English he had learned from the sisters. He recalled the bombs that struck government buildings across the Tigris River.

"Bomb-Bing! Bomb-Bing!" Ala'a said, raising and lowering his fist.

"I'm here now. You're fine," the captain said.

Over the next 10 months, the unit returned to the orphanage again and again. The soldiers would race kids in their wheelchairs, sit them in Humvees and help the sisters feed them.

To Southworth, Ala'a was like a little brother. But Ala'a -- who had longed for a soldier to rescue him -- secretly began referring to Southworth as "Baba," Arabic for "Daddy."

Then, around Christmas, a sister told Southworth that Ala'a was getting too big. He would have to move to a government-run facility within a year.

"Best-case scenario was that he would stare at a blank wall for the rest of his life," Southworth said.

To this day, he recalls the moment when he resolved that that would not happen.

"I'll adopt him," he said.

To continue reading the story that will melt your heart into a pile of warm goo, click here.

AMIT: Helping to support some of Israel's most vulnerable children.Founded in 1925, AMIT works with many young Israelis that find themselves vulnerable educationally, psychologically, financially and/or socially, helping and supporting them "within a framework of academic excellence, religious values and Zionist ideals." AMIT works to nurture children from diverse backgrounds-- observant and secular, Ashkenazi and Sephardi, Israeli-born and immigrant, many of which have fallen victim to various forms of physical and psychological trauma.

So, to do their work, AMIT needs support, and there are several ways to support them. Of course you can donate, but there are a few different ways to donate. There's the Mother-In-Israel program to help fill-in the gaps and meet vary basic needs of schoolchildren such as bus fare and school supplies. Your donation can be earmarked for various programs like the Library Fund, the Harvey Goodstein Sports Complex at AMIT Kfar Batya, the Food for Thought program, similar to the mother-In-Israel program, helps ensure schoolchildren have access to food and school supplies. The Gift of Learning Initiative sponsors an entire day of learning at an AMIT school. Book family or B/nai Mitzvah travel through AMIT for a more meaningful trip to Israel. In connection with US Bank, AMIT is a listed charity when using the HAS Advantage card, with a percentage of your spending benefiting Israeli charities of your choice. Also, AMIT is the sole provider of "modern religious education in the Sderot and both of the city's high schools, the religious and the secular, are AMIT schools" and so fund can also be directed at their Campaign for Sderot. Finally, there's also an AMIT Boutique with cards and books for sale that benefit the organization.

But, I think my very favorite program through AMIT is the B'nai Mitzvah Twinning program-- in preparation for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, AMIT pairs your child/niece/nephew with an underprivileged child in Israel, who is also preparing for his/her B'nai Mitzvah, for very a special tzedakah opportunity.

Israeli Sex Trade: Hooters, teachers for brides-to-be, lesbian parents and, uh, vaginoplasty. Discuss.What about news of a Hooters in Israel? (I can't help but to wonder if there has ever been a battle of altering the uniform to conform to religious modesty mandates? I mean, if a woman is a qualified applicant, or say she is an employee who then decides to become more.. covered... wouldn't the company legally have to give her wiggle room? I wonder if that's ever come up for them? Sure, working at hooters probably wouldn't be on your list of things to do if you were concerned with such matters, but again, what if someone was already working at such a place and then decided...? yes, yes, modestly is more than just attire, it's situational and behavioral, too, but I just wonder. Anyway: Hooters. Covering. Discuss.) What are our thoughts on JOFA's class teaching teachers of brides-to-be about sex? Of course, you caught Knesset Committee for Immigration, Absorption and Diaspora Affairs chairman Michael Nudelman being called upon to do something for immigrants pushed into the sex trade, too. A lesbian couple is getting recognized as co-mama and co-mama, while the IDF Rabbi is pissed about women in combat. Uh, and some Israeli physicians are interested in bringing the labiaplasty and vaginoplasty to Eretz Yisroel. Ew, ouch and ew.

 

This Chanukah: Hook a soldier up.Connections Israel started nearly a decade ago to aid Jewish communities and schools worldwide in their support for Israel. Mostly, they focus on implementing educational programs to help support IDF soldiers with gift baskets and a sort of pen pal link-up. Mostly. But not entirely, by any means.

This Chanukah, for as little as $10, or as much as $120, you can help. Ten bucks gives a IDF soldier a gift basket, $36 donates a gift basket to either a Sderot family or a family victimized by terror and $120 sponsors an educational program for thirty students. Or, you can donate any amount and earmark if for any of Connections Israel's specific causes.

While you're hooking up our friends in the IDF, hit Pizza IDF, a website that allows you to donate anything from sufganyiot, pizza or burgers and sodas or hearty soups to soldiers from as little as three bucks! Or, check Dash Cham, an Israeli candymaker who will deliver treats to soldiers for ten bucks. Easy ways to bring a little light.

 

Earlier this month, I wrote about Jewish Living magazine, and I was really iffy about it. I was questioning the stated target market of the magazine, among other things. Bon Appetite, Goumet and the like are cooking and food magazines, yet they aren't marketed to women exclusively or even as a majority as far as I'm aware. And, with the magazine's comment about Jewish Living being for those of us in our 30s and 40s who have (supposedly) matured beyond Heeb magazine (Heeb, which is marketed to both men and women, snark, snark)... I was very skeptical of the rag, I'll admit.

Jewish Living: Maybe overlooking potential readers, but a good read, if you ask me.So, as promised, I read it. Cover to cover. Ads for upscale modern furniture. A section called Kvell that includes the kvell profile, the kvell of the book, kvell sound check, a national calendar of events, eco-friendly Chanukah gift-guide, cooking that included various ethnic/regional variations on a basic ingredient, Modern Practices-- a section addressing our traditions with a modern take, a huge styley/upscale Chanukah section, a nice article about that dear A.J. Jacobs, stuff about kids, an decently in-depth article about giving in various ways, Two Jews/Three Opinions, a quick list of notable organizations, a piece about Chinese Jews... I have to admit I really like this magazine.

I still think there's nothing inherently female about the magazine, and maybe an opportunity for a male readership is being glossed over in marketing efforts. Family sure, but female? Nuh-uh. Also, even mentioning Heeb and Jewish Living in the same breath is a stretch, as the irreverent brand of humor in Heeb is not found in Jewish Living. Granted, the proof will be in subsequent issues. That will do more in defining the magazine for what it is, so I might be speaking prematurely. But, on its own, I'm reporting back as I said I would, and I do like it. It covers come good basics-- food, home comfort, celebrations, thoughtful gifts, family, and thoughtful discussion of modern Jewish life. All things I enjoy in a magazine. 

Spertus: Brand-spankin'-new facility for a really great organization.Here in Chicago, the community is rather chatty about the new Spertus Institute of Jewish Studies opening a new $55M facility on Michigan Avenue. This building is, I have to admit, really quite stunning and Friday, it opens to the public, finally. For those of you not familiar with Spertus, allow me to introduce you. It started in 1924 as Chicago's College of Jewish Studies and currently boasts a 15,000-piece collection of Jewish art and artifacts, a library and graduate school. The new ten-floor building adds a Wolfgang Puck kosher cafe (as you know already because you read it over on Jewcy's Pickled blog), areas to rent for events (someone please hold a simcha there and invite me, please, please, please), a 400-seat theater, a really fantastic Judaica gift shop, and a children's center is set of open in a few months. It's a lot. And, it's really great. It's not a terrible idea, either, to get yourself on the mailing list of events, as I can personally attest to how wonderful their lectures and other public events are.

And, if you happen to be in Chicago with kids on Christmas Day, when everything is closed but movie theaters and Chinese restaurants, Spertus can save the day with family events all day long featuring the music of Rav Shmuel, a chess tournament, and all sorts of crafts and activities. No need for reservations and it's totally free (thought they encourage you to bring a few nonperishables for their EZRA food drive). Not too shabby.

So, if you are here in Chicago, or plan to be sometime soon, hit the website, plan your visit, and, maybe just maybe, I'll see you there.

 

 

 

 

Okay, I know it’s a Christian song, but I have to say that the old Thanksgiving hymn, We Gather Together speaks to me a lot more than Debbie Friedman’s Thanksgiving song. Not that I don’t just love the Debbie Friedman song—we sung it a number of times at dinner last night, much to my sister’s boyfriend’s chagrin. In case you were wondering the lyrics are as follows:Gather Round: and sing vaguely Christian songs but try not to think about Christ

Happy Thanksgiving, hooray hooray hooray!
Aren’t you glad you’re not a turkey, on this Thanksgiving Day?
Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, hooray hooray hooray!
Aren’t you glad you’re not a turkey, on this Thanksgiving Day

Indians and Pilgrims celebrated on this feast
This very special holiday first started in the east
Plymouth rock the Mayflower that’s how it all began
Feel free to join me in the chorus if you can

Oh! Happy Thanksgiving, hooray hooray hooray!
Aren’t you glad you’re not a turkey, on this Thanksgiving Day?
Oh, Happy Thanksgiving, hooray hooray hooray!
Aren’t you glad you’re not a turkey, on this Thanksgiving Day

Apple Pie and pumpkin pie and lots of things to eat
Kosher turkey filled with stuffing, a very special treat
Don’t forget the indigestion on this holiday
Better take some Rolaids so the pain will go away!

Repeat chorus add nauseum.

Nothing fills me with the spirit of Thanksgiving more than whiskey, comraderie, and the word Hooray shouted by a table full of cousins.

Anyway, part of the reason we were singing Debbie Friedman despite my general aversion to her oeuvre is the lack of Jew friendly Thanksgiving appropriate songs. We ended up taking down the Siddur Sim Shalom because it contains the lyrics to The Star Spangled Banner, My country ‘tis of Thee, American the Beautiful, and O Canada (the latter sung for the aforementioned boyfriend, who is Canadian).

Problem is, those songs are a little heavy on the Christian themes, which was kind of irritating. Another reason Shabbat is my favorite holiday is all of the songs we get to/can sing that don’t make me feel like I’m somehow letting the WASPS win.

For some generally non-offensive Shabbat zmirot to sing around your table, check out this site. My favorite is Yom Ze L’Yisrael (This day is for Israel) though not the version available on that site.

Anyway, Shabbat Shalom!

Hey, ho, let's go!: All sorts of Jewish entertainment history to dive into. A lot happened this week in Jewish history, and many of these events have the common thread of being creative contributions by Jews. This week in 1927 the Neil Simon Theater opens and George Gershwin's "Funny Face" opens in NYC, in 1928, Ravel's Bolero was performed in public for the first time in Paris, in 1929 Gertrude Berg makes debut in radio's The Goldbergs. In 1957 Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel appear n American Bandstand as "Tom & Jerry". And this week, we marked the yartzeit of poet Emma Lazarus.

Dig Jewish entertainment history? Here are some of my favorite reads on the subject: In Their Own Image: New York Jews in Jazz Age Popular Culture by Ted Merkin, The Heebie-Jeebies at CBGB's: A Secret History of Jewish Punk by Steven Lee Beeber (I really like that book), Something Ain't Kosher Here: The Rise of the 'Jewish' Sitcom by Vincent Brook, Vagabond Stars: A World History of Yiddish Theater by Nahma Sandrow.

This week we salute Meredith Jacobs, who commented on Maya’s post about Jews and Thanksgiving:Rivka's First Thanksgiving: by Elsa Okon Rael

There is a wonderful book I bought for my children years ago called Rivka's First Thanksgiving. It's by Elsa Okon Rael and you can still buy it on Amazon.com (I double
checked!). It's a wonderful picture book about a little girl who immigrated to America in the 1910s. She comes home from school one day excited about the new holiday she has learned about...Thanksgiving. "It sounds to me as though this is a party for Gentiles," her Mama replies, "It's not for us."

Rivka argues that they are Americans, too, and that Thanksgiving is an American holiday. Well, the argument goes to the Rabbi and he agrees with Rivka's Mama and Bubbeh, that Thanksgiving is not for Jews. Rivka thinks the Rabbi's decision is wrong. Finally, Rivka is summoned before a board of Rabbis to argue her case. She beautifully explains that, like the Pilgrims, the Jews came to America to escape religious persecution:

"I was lucky to be born here, but my mother and her parents came from Buchach. My bubbeh says you also came from Buchach, Rabbi, so you must know about the terrible pogroms there. They happened all the time, for no reason. My mother was badly hurt in a pogrom when she was twelve years old. A cossack on a horse struck her on the head because she was Jewish--for no other reason than that. No one thought she would live, but she did. She can't remember anything that happened to her before she was twelve. Nothing. Not a single thing."

The Rabbis shook their heads sadly.

"So here we are now, safe in America. God first brought the Pilgrims and then He brought us, the Jews. The Pilgrims were the first to give thanks to Him, but I believe we also owe Him a Thanksgiving. As much as anybody, we owe Him thanks."

In the end, Rivka has her Thanksgiving and the Rabbi joins her family for the celebration. This year, while enjoying the wonderful food, take the time to make Thanksgiving a little bit Jewish. Our children learn at school about our American forefathers coming over for
religious freedom, but teach them about when your family came over. Tell stories. And, if you are fortunate enough to have grandparents or great aunts and uncles at your table, ask them to tell stories.

We didn't come to Plymouth Rock nor were there any Jews at that first Thanksgiving when they ate maize with the Native Americans. And we have different stories to tell about our journey. Different obstacles to overcome.

Molly's Pilgrim: by Barbara Cohen
Jewish children’s books were such a huge and important part of my childhood that I want to recognize Meredith for bringing one to our attention. Buy Rivka's First Thanksgiving here. My favorite Thanksgiving book is Molly’s Pilgrim, a story about a Russian Jewish girl who ends up seeing herself as a modern Pilgrim in the face of the bullies at her new American school. Turns out us Jews feel quite a connection to Thanksgiving, especially when we’re writing kids’ books.

Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

Several people I know are traveling in the next few days to be with their families for Thanksgiving, so I thought it might be nice night to make a little travel toolkit of sorts for any of youse who might be interested.

On The Road Again: Jewcifying your travel.Depending on which airports you find yourself in this approaching week, give a look and see if you find a kosher airport vending machine. Depending on how long you'll be wherever it is you're going, you might want to think about a travel shabbat kit, with items like travel candle holders (I have a hinged set similar to this set that is rad) or, if you're feeling crafty about it, you can always make your own set.

Maybe you're driving someplace. No worries with a car mezuzah, if that's your bag. (I feel weird about them. I roll with a hamsa on my keys instead, but whatevs.) And, last but certainly not least, if you use brachot and don't have this one committed to memory, here's a reminder:

יְהִי רָצוֹן מִלְפָנֶיךָ ה' אֱ-לֹהֵינוּ וֵא-לֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵינוּ, שֶתּוֹלִיכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם וְתַצְעִידֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתִסְמְכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתַדְרִיכֵנוּ לְשָלוֹם. וְתַגִיעֵנוּ לִמְחוֹז חֶפְצֵנוּ לְחַיִּים וּלְשִמְחָה וּלְשָלוֹם וְתַצִּילֵנוּ מִכַּף כָּל אוֹיֵב וְאוֹרֵב וְלִסְטִים וְחַיּוֹת רָעוֹת בַדֶּרֶךְ וּמִכָּל מִינֵי פּוּרְעָנִיּוֹת הַמִתְרַגְּשוֹת לָבוֹא לָעוֹלָם וְתִשְלַח בְּרָכָה בְּכל מַעֲשֵה יָדֵינוּ, וְתִתְּנֵנוּ לְחֵן וּלְחֶסֶד וּלְרַחֲמִים בְעֵינֶיךָ וּבְעֵינֵי כָל רוֹאֵינוּ וְתִשְמַע קוֹל תַּחֲנוּנֵינוּ. כִּי אֵ-ל שוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה וְתַחֲנוּן אתה: בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה', שוֹמֵעַ תְּפִלָּה.

(Transliteration: Y'hi ratzon milfanekha A-donai E-loheinu ve-lohei avoteinu she-tolikhenu l'shalom v'tatz'idenu l'shalom v'tadrikhenu l'shalom, v'tagi'enu limhoz heftzenu l'hayim ul-simha ul-shalom. V'tatzilenu mi-kaf kol oyev v'orev v'listim v'hayot ra'ot ba-derekh, u-mi-kol minei pur'aniyot ha-mitrag'shot la-vo la-olam. V'tishlah b'rakha b'khol ma'a'se yadeinu v'tit'nenu l'hen ul-hesed ul-rahamim b'einekha uv-einei khol ro'einu. V'tishma kol tahanuneinu ki E-l sho'me'a t'fila v'tahanun ata. Barukh ata A-donai sho'me'a t'fila.)

Or, you can just click here and listen to it for yourself.

Safe travels and Shabbat Shalom.

I once, no lie, heard someone say, "What do you mean he hit her? They're Jewish! That doesn't happen in Jewish families!" As much as we might like to believe our community is exempt from all sorts of issues, including domestic violence, sadly, we are not.

You heard the lady!: When push comes to shove, it's no longer love. Now, scram, woman beaters.So, I'd like to introduce you to Jewish Women International, an organization that has developed many different programs such as the Mother's Day Flower Project (delivering words of support and encouragement to women's shelters in the US and Israel-- more on the program here), the "be safe, be strong, be healthy" program called When Push Comes To Shove, It's No Longer Love that helps young girls and women better understand dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships and to build skills to respond to domestic violence, and a toolkit that includes the documentary When The Vow Breaks, conferences, and my personal favorites: Strong Girls, Healthy Relationships, a program designed to engage girls in guided discussion and practices to examine their sense of self-esteem in the context of relationships they choose, as well as a section of the program designed for older girls who are already dating an may be already developing unhealthy relationship patterns or know someone who has and LifeSavings, a young women's financial literacy program operating with the understanding that a woman's financial independence is often linked with her

Their website is filled with ways to get involved, too, from petitions to sign, a secure and easy form to give a onetime donation or to set up a recurring monthly donation, a shop with pretty cool t-shirts that both help raise awareness and fund the organization, a teen leadership toolkit, and a guide to find related advocacy initiatives.

Halloweeneleh: Whether you do it or not, maybe there's a nice little message in the way it gets done anymore. Or maybe just some horribly misguided costumes.There's a lot of talk about whether or not we, as Jews, should be celebrating Halloween. There's the we-shouldn't-celebrate-nonJewish-holidays camp and the it-has-Christian-and/or-Pagan-roots camp and the who-cares-it's-fun-it's-not-hurting-anything-to-dress-up camp. I can understand these different schools of thought, and maybe a few sub-headings within each, and I can understand the impetus behind each.

But, whatever you do or do not do for Halloween, this article makes a nice point about making the focus of the holiday, whether you celebrate it or not, on giving. Though it could be a hard sell, children could learn about the joy of sharing and giving by handing out candy at home, and if you do not observe Halloween, maybe passing out candy to trick or treaters puts a welcome mat out for inter-community interaction. Could be.

Uh, but whatever your take on Halloween might be, Does anyone else think this is more than a little bit fucked up? This? What about this? Or these? Does that last group even make sense?

Check this out. Some kids at Cornell are putting a little eco-kasher in their Shabbes, which I've always thought was a splendid idea. It's not a new idea, by any means, as Hillels and other groups have been hosting things like this for years. And, of course, lots of people are thinking along the same lines because, well, it's a vital aspect of Tikkun Olam and especially this year, the Shemitah, the year to let the land rest, there's certainly a lot of discussion about going greener.

Coalition for the Environment and Jewish Life made this cool list of conservation tips called Lo-Watt Shabbat, and while you're there, check out their list of tips for greening up several holidays.

Uh: It takes more than a green kippot to go green for Shabbes.

Sometimes, it can be overwhelming to go-green all at once, so what if we all just started with Shabbes? What things could be done to make Shabbes, specifically, more eco-friendly? Perhaps baking our own challah? I know, I know, easy for me to say. I cook. Okay, how about at least buying it locally? Right? Sure. In fact, maybe buying local/oranic produce for our Shabbes meals would be a nice thing, too. Or maybe trying out an "eco-veg" vegetarian Shabbes meal if you aren't vegetarian full-time? Add a little organic kosher wine, perhaps? That's not too difficult, right?

These recycled glasses could be a nice gift or addition to a Shabbes table. (However, although they'd have to be re-heated and such to be reshaped, I still wonder about the kashrut issues surrounding recycled glassware...? Know what I mean? The "previously used" aspect makes me want to say not kosher, the recycled part and the high-temperature part makes me want to say kosher. Discuss.) ChosenThings has a little post up about a cool idea for making a very naturey set of shabbes candleholders (might be very cute and thematic for Rosh HsShanaha or, as they suggest, Sukkot, no?) And, on the topic of candles, here is some interesting reading about selecting the healthiest Shabbes candles.

What about looking for a challah board made from a sustainable/renewable wood like bamboo? All sorts of ideas, folks, and every little bit counts. What eco-friendly things can you think of for a greener Shabbes? Hmmm?

Shabbat Shalom.

So, sometimes you find yourself someplace in the world without a clue as to what, if any, Jewish community is around you and once you're there, what are you going to do, walk around the street asking? Well, you might, stranger things have happened, of course. Or, you might not even think to look around some places for other MOTs, wrongly assuming we'd be nowhere in sight. However, in all my travels, I have been pleasantly surprised, again and again, to meet and befriend our peeps all over the place.

So, sort-of-regularly, I'm going to do some of the homework for you and focus on different Jewish communities here and there we don't often hear much about. Yes? Great. And to start things off, we're heading to Omaha to catch up with the 6,500-member community.

Omaha: A nice artsy, progressive, Jewy place to visit. Who knew?

Now, I visited Omaha a little over a year ago for the first time--the (Downtown) Omaha Lit Fest is a great time, by the by-- and decided I loved the place with its art and culture, like this wonderful progressive stronghold in the middle of, well, fields.

To travel deeper next time you find yourself in Nebraska, see who you can find of the Jewish community of Omaha-- touch base with The Jewish Federation of Omaha, swing by the Omaha JCC, hit this site that the Federation offers for answers to questions like, "Can you keep kosher in Omaha?" (yes), "Are there any Jewish Day Schools in Omaha?" (yes) and get the scoop on the choices of shuls in Omaha: Temple Israel (Reform-- and they have a gift and Judaica shop), Beth El (conservative-- and they have a gift and Judaica shop, too), Beth Israel (orthodox), a Chabad center (where just last month a challah-thon took place!) and Beyt Shalom (reconstructionist). Then, there's the Kripke Jewish Library, and since you're there, pay a nice little visit to the Rose Blumkin Jewish Home for the elderly (they have a mikveh you can use there, if you call, fyi) and to the Friedel Jewish Academy to meet b'nai Omaha.

Go get your shalom bayit on, wherever your travels take you.

 

 

It’s the fifth anniversary of Trembling Before God, the landmark documentary that showed the world that, while there may be no gays in Iran, there are most assuredly gays and lesbians among Orthodox Jews. How much have attitudes changed among the Orthodox since Trembling Before God came out?

Last week Bangitout.com published 72 Questions On Gay Marriage, by Martin Bodek, an Orthodox Jew who wants to know how supporters of same-sex marriage suppose this institution would fit into the strictures of traditional Jewish law, or halacha. Some of the questions are bawdy or impertinent--and those are the ones that aren't totally incomprehensible to secular heathen (what in the gods' names is an aufruf, and why does it make men want to throw candy?)

Still, this list looks like progress to us. Pre-TBG, would it even have occurred to anyone to write up such a list?

So we asked Steve Greenberg, the world’s first openly gay Orthodox rabbi, to read the 72 questions (or shaylas) and tell us what to make of all this.

Check out a few of Bodek’s questions below, and then click the vid to find out whether Rabbi Greenberg’s partner is called a rebbitzin, and whether 72 Halachic Questions On Gay Marriage is obnoxious, ahead of the curve, or both.

Questions for two men

• Do they both break the glass?
• Which one is not allowed to be on bottom?
  
• A “Moch dachuk” must be pretty painful, no?
  
• Do either of them have to cover their hair?
  
• If they refuse to divorce each other, whose legs get broken?

Questions For Two Women

• Do they both have to cover their hair?
• Which one is not allowed to be on top?
• Are they automatic agunahs if they want to get divorced?
• If their son is from an anonymous donor, what name does he use for an aliyah?
• For the aufruf, do the men throw candies into the ezras nashim?
• Are they allowed to be meyached with other people’s wives?

Questions for Both

• Whose last name do they use?
• Who gets first dibs on the baby naming?
  
• For shidduch dates, who calls, does the pickup and reports first to the shadchen?
  
• Do they have to use a hole in the sheet?

See the rest of the 72 Questions, here.

Below, watch the response of Steve Greenberg, the world's first openly gay Orthodox rabbi.

The Misheberach-- the prayer to ease suffering of the ill-- is on my mind today, or rather, lately, so what do I do when something is on my mind? I start looking into it and unpacking it and checking it out and trying to see it with new eyes in the hopes of finding something I've overlooked.

With all due respect to Debbie Friedman, her version doesn't much feed my being. It works for plenty of people and that's really great if it works for you, but it's never felt right for me. I've been thinking about the Misheberach so much lately, that I needed to bypass all of that and find more, to find something else. You see, the Misheberach was turning into something I did without thinking, and I didn't want it to be that. I wanted to feel reconnected to it.

MisheBEARach?: Get it? Hello?... Is this thing on? Eh, tough crowd.

So, today, I sifted through Ritual Well's version, expanded to utilize both masculine and feminine language and imagery, this piece "When The Body Hurts, The Soul Still Longs to Sing" by Rabbi Nancy Flam, I dug through Jewish Healing, The National Center for Jewish Healing, (I've taken a few workshops at the Jewish Healing Network of Chicago, and there are similar networks all over the place. I highly recommend their classes.), even related and semi-related issues like Velveteen Rabbi's musings on Asher Yatzer, Aish's "G-d Makes A Housecall", flipped through Sha'arei Refuah: Gates of Jewish Healing, Healing and The Jewish Imagination, The Mitzvah of Healing, and thought through the emotional parts of physical healing as well as the equally-important purely emotional issues that arise in the world that need to heal just as much and thumbed through Sacred Therapy: Jewish Spiritual Teachings on Emotional Healing and Inner Wholeness, and revisited an old-favorite of mine, Jewish with Feeling, a Guide to Meaningful Jewish Practice.

And then I had a thought: Think of the term rakhamim that is connective of both mercy and also womb in Hebrew. Could this be the reason we use the ailing person's mother's name in the Misheberach? As in, May it be the case that so-and-so feels the healing warmth of g-dliness as s/he did in the moment s/he was born, that moment of his/her greatest potential and his/her most sacred. Ah-ha! Right away, this set off all sorts of ideas and, yeah, there it was. My new way of thinking about the Misheberach. Something I'd known but perhaps not put together quite in that way before.

As a side note, I know a lot of people who are uncomfortable with the Misheberach, insisting it feels like begging for something. To that, all I can really say is this... refuah shlemah, a "complete recovery", a term found in the Misheberach-- refuah is from the root that means something like "soften" and "lessen". Not as in "Do what I want! Do it, do it now!" but like "I hope it is easier", "I hope the discomfort is softer or lesser than it is right now".