Feminism

Girls Write Now: Show a little love, eh?According to the National Association of Secondary School Principals (NASSP), low literacy ability leads to low grades and low achievement levels—which can and usually does then ultimately lead to a high drop-out rate. In the same report, it is noted that of high school seniors, way less than half read at a level required to comprehend a school textbook. The focus of curriculum being on standard testing in the US at the moment allows students little time to explore artistic and literary pursuits, and so writing programs are just not available to students. In a 2000 SCANS Report, research showed students with access to music, theater and creative writing all performed better than students without.

So, recently, when I learned about a truly wonderful organization that is doing some really incredible work in this area, I knew I'd found an organization I wanted to support. Meet Girls Write Now, an organization that "provides a safe and supportive environment where girls can expand their natural writing talents, develop independent creative voices, and build confidence in making healthy choices in school, career and life." Sounds great, right? Wait, wait, it gets even better!

Girls Write Now "provides at-risk New York City high school girls with emerging writing talent an opportunity to be custom-matched with a professional woman writer who serves as her personal mentor and writing coach, meeting with her weekly for the duration of an entire school year, and for up to four years. GWN also enrolls each student in a vibrant writing community — all mentees and mentors gather monthly for genre-based group writing workshops conducted at our offices within Teachers & Writers Collaborative in midtown Manhattan. The year is punctuated by three annual readings, college and career prep seminars, field trips to cultural events, and endless opportunities for scholarships and publication. The magic of the program is reflected in a solid nine-year track record, a 75-percent member retention rate, a 100-percent college acceptance rate, an annual anthology of original writing, and the seven-genre portfolios each student emerges equipped with each season. Founded in 1998, GWN was the first organization to ever present this combination of powerful services, and it continues to be the only program of its kind in the eastern United States."

Helping Others: To Do Their Best Girls Write Now has, in addition to mentoring sessions, writing workshops, a reading series, a Life Adventure series of writing and performance workshops, support for students parsing through the rigors of college admissions, events and activities, and scholarships and contests, but they created Girls Write Forever, a program that helps give supporters so many options to ensure the good work of Girls Write Now can continue into the future. (Now, if I can just figure out where they sell those great t-shirts!)

To support this organization with a donation or an in-kind donation please click here. To volunteer, here, and for litty girls in New York City, click here. And, if you find yourself in New York on January 18th, and you do roll on Shabbes, by all means, get yourself to the Winter Pair Reading and see your ten bucks doing a lot of good.

Oh, big news in the world of Agunot this week!

Fear not, Agunot!: Canada will save you. But, should it?Canada doesn't mess with religious matters in its courts so much, but the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that the civil divorce agreement signed by Jason Marcovitz, in which is specifically agreed to give his wife, Stephanie Bruker, a get, was declared a valid contract that overrides his assertion for protection under freedom of religion. (Having never been divorced myself, is it standard in a civil divorce to specify a get to be forthcoming? I would imagine not and that this case could potentially hyper-sensitize civil divorce language if a husband has any inclination towards hesitating on the get, no?) The couple married in 1969 and obtained a civil divorce in 1980, with Marcovitz initially agreeing to give a get and later changing his mind, until 1995 when he did finally give her a get, at which point she was 46 years old, past child-bearing age for many women, as the court noted.

So, the court awarded his ex-wife almost $50K in damages, on the grounds that her ability to remarry and have more children was blocked by Marcovitz's lack of cooperation. (What, do you think, is a fair settlement for being barred from remarrying and having children or more children? Can you put a price on that, really? And, is it somehow worth more or less in damages if there were no previous children? Discuss.)

Evelyn Brook, president of the Canadian Coalition of Jewish Women for the Get, called the decision "a great relief." The ruling "does not say that he had to give her a get. It simply said that because he didn't, then there are things to forfeit," Brook told JTA. "For every husband who has gone back on his promise" in a divorce settlement, "this makes a difference." While many women's groups are gung-ho about this ruling, yet many in the legal world aren't so sure this is a good thing, as this ruling could be the first bit of tiptoeing into religious meddling by courts.

Marcovitz's complaint and reason he claimed to withhold the get from Bruker was that she'd had breached their civil agreement by becoming less observant and by turning the couple's daughters against him. This decision was reached 7-2 by Canada's Supreme Court, with the dissenting judges stating Marcovitz's promise was nothing beyond a moral obligation and that "finding otherwise will expand courts into areas where they have no jurisdiction", JTA reports this morning.

The Marcovitz/Bruker case was the first to be presented to Canada's Supreme Court since Ottowa's amendment to the Divorce Act in 1990, which prohibited people from creating or maintaining obstacles for their former spouse to marry religiously.

Surely we have an Agunot or two in our readership that could provide some insight here? Surely a few people with greater knowledge of the Canadian legal system than I can offer? Or, with great knowledge of American family law and how, if at all, this ruling could make waves in our courts...?

 

 

The Flying Camel: Essays on Identity by Women of North African and Middle Easter Jewish HeritageI will open by admitting that I haven't yet read this book. But, It was just recommended to me by someone I trust to not recommend crappy reads, so I'm going to put my stamp on it because this is a topic I've been really interested in for some time, the topic of expanding awareness of "Jewish" looks like.

Of The Flying Camel: Essays on Identity by Women of North African and Middle Eastern Jewish Heritage, edited by Loolwa Khazzoom, trusted recommend-er said, "I really appreciated the collection of essays, and how they treated struggling with being in the States and figuring out Jewish identity in an environment that didn't realize there were Persian, Libyan, etc. Jews." The publisher, more specifically states:

"Many of us have stereotypes of what 'Jewish' looks like—and for many of us that image is white and European. Yet, with the blossoming Jewish multiculturalism movement, led by the dynamic Loolwa Khazzoom, the myth of a 'monolithic Jewish community' is about to be debunked. Focusing on the experiences of Jewish women of two rich and varied regions, The Flying Camel reveals the hidden worlds of Jewish women often misunderstood or maligned by both the cultures in which they live and the European-Jewish community. Stories include one woman and her family’s flight from persecution in Libya, a writer’s exploration of the category 'Arab Jew,' and a lightskinned, Moroccan-born woman trying to 'pass' in order to gain acceptance among European Jews in Tehran"

Editor Loolwa Khazzoom (if she wants to trade names with me for, maybe a day or so, I would love it) has a more in-depth description of the book on her website, and you can find the book online at Amazon (as we already know), Powell's and the like. 

Israeli Sex Trade: Hooters, teachers for brides-to-be, lesbian parents and, uh, vaginoplasty. Discuss.What about news of a Hooters in Israel? (I can't help but to wonder if there has ever been a battle of altering the uniform to conform to religious modesty mandates? I mean, if a woman is a qualified applicant, or say she is an employee who then decides to become more.. covered... wouldn't the company legally have to give her wiggle room? I wonder if that's ever come up for them? Sure, working at hooters probably wouldn't be on your list of things to do if you were concerned with such matters, but again, what if someone was already working at such a place and then decided...? yes, yes, modestly is more than just attire, it's situational and behavioral, too, but I just wonder. Anyway: Hooters. Covering. Discuss.) What are our thoughts on JOFA's class teaching teachers of brides-to-be about sex? Of course, you caught Knesset Committee for Immigration, Absorption and Diaspora Affairs chairman Michael Nudelman being called upon to do something for immigrants pushed into the sex trade, too. A lesbian couple is getting recognized as co-mama and co-mama, while the IDF Rabbi is pissed about women in combat. Uh, and some Israeli physicians are interested in bringing the labiaplasty and vaginoplasty to Eretz Yisroel. Ew, ouch and ew.

 

Ahhh: The warming glow of ChanukahAfter the questions I posed, and the thoughts I was kicking around the other day about the pre-Christmas frenzy, it was with great delight I read this article over on Aish today that, though not exactly related to what I was talking about, it is a lovely article about the stillness and introspection that comes of Chanukah. I was loving it after reading this in the second paragraph: "In a world that thrives on flashy externals, Chanukah focuses our attention inwards, urging us to purify ourselves so that the flame we shine into the world will be strong and bright." But, once they olives to illumination and conclusion about cans of tuna can into play, I was loving it even more. Anyway, go read. It's lovely, and that very kind of Jewcy-goodness that I dig to death.

Ritual Well is another source I check often to see different approaches and ways to examine traditions, which I've mentioned here a few times. Anyhoot, for Chanukah, they're running a piece from Kolot Center for Jewish Women's and Gender Studies that is a slightly-tinkered version of Chanukah brachot with male and female pronouns, in Hebrew, transliterated Hebrew and English. Also, a nice piece (which does relate to my Christmas post from the other day a bit) suggesting ways to keep/make Chanukah less material that I like and actually follow a version of myself. Lastly there's an interesting and very different take on candle lighting each night of Chanukah by attaching physical and emotional language and imagery to each observance.

 

This week we read the story of my namesake, the Biblical Tamar.  I encourage you to read the story for yourself, it’s chapter 38 of Genesis, but the gist of it is that Tamar is cheated out of a marriage by her father-in-law, Judah, after she has been widowed by two of his sons. When she figures out that she’s persona non grata in Judah’s family, she takes matters into her own hands, dresses up like a hooker and waits around in a place where she knows her newly single father-in-law will be passing by. He picks her up without recognizing her, and hires her, but doesn’t have any sheep to pay her with, so he gives her some identifying materials as an IOU, and promises to send someone to pay her later. Months later, when he hears that his long widowed daughter-in-law is pregnant he condemns Tamar to death by burning. Just before she is to be burnt she sends Judah the identifying materials he had given her as payment and explains that they belong to the man that impregnated her. Duly chastened, Judah cancels her execution, and she gives birth to twins, who we later learn are ancestors of King David. It’s a bizarre and illicit story, and I love it both because of its oddities and because I think Tamar is awesome—strong and feisty, but also committed to the standards of her community, and to the family she has joined.

Judah and Tamar: Is it me, or is that staff a phallic symbol? The sexual aspects of the story are fascinating because they’re presented so matter-of-factly. Tamar’s second husband practices coitus interruptus in order not to impregnate her. Tamar dresses like a harlot in order to seduce her father-in-law. Judah solicits a prostitute. These are all things that one would imagine should be kept private, not immortalized in a Divine work, right? I mean, what’s the good moral lesson here? Why should all this bad behavior be canonized when it could just as easily have been left out or glossed over in the narrative?

The wikipedia page on Tamar does a nice job of presenting a lot of the various theories that critics and commentators have come up with, and I think many of them are very convincing, and likely quite accurate. But I have my own interpretation.

Sexual impropriety can certainly cause all kinds of problems. Making poor relationship choices is the kind of thing that’s very likely to kick you in the ass somewhere down the road. Making bad choices about who you sleep with, and why, could have serious ramifications on the rest of your life. But these poor choices can also teach you important lessons that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life. And perhaps most importantly, a person who sleeps around, or is otherwise promiscuous, may be completely competent in other areas. Judah, though obviously not the king of healthy and trusting relationships, is a good leader and an example for his brothers. King David, another guy with questionable sexual habits, is generally considered to one of the wisest men in Jewish history. His son, King Solomon, also considered a pretty smart cookie, is known for having hundreds of wives, and hundreds of concubines, and though the rabbis aren’t happy about that choice, they are pretty happy about the Temple he built, which he was able to do despite what one imagines was a fairly significant sexual distraction.

Today, especially in America, we have this sadly puritanical view of sex and sex scandals. We are appalled that our political leaders are at all sexually deviant, and we demand to know the details, to have them splashed on the front page of newspapers, and discussed ad nauseum on talk shows and blogs of every kind. I’ll be the first to say that I think much of the behavior we hear about is reprehensible, but it simply doesn’t concern me if Larry Craig wants to have sex in a bathroom stall with another man, or if Bill Clinton wants a blowjob. What I care about is health care, and human rights, and education. And if Craig can get it on in a public bathroom and then come out and balance the budget, then I support him (sadly, balancing a budget seems to be far beyond Sen. Craig’s capabilities, but go with me, just for the sake of argument). And if Clinton can get a blowjob and then negotiate the end to terrorism in Northern Ireland, then I say get the man a few more girls like Monica and send him off to Jerusalem.

At the end of the day, I don’t care what happens in anyone else’s bedroom as long as it’s consensual, and no one ends up hurt. And what’s more, I think that learning from the mistakes we make with our lovers is an important part of figuring out how to be good people. I love that the Bible includes stories of people fucking up, and then fixing whatever it is that they’ve done wrong. I wish American politics could take a page from that book.

Earlier this month, I wrote about Jewish Living magazine, and I was really iffy about it. I was questioning the stated target market of the magazine, among other things. Bon Appetite, Goumet and the like are cooking and food magazines, yet they aren't marketed to women exclusively or even as a majority as far as I'm aware. And, with the magazine's comment about Jewish Living being for those of us in our 30s and 40s who have (supposedly) matured beyond Heeb magazine (Heeb, which is marketed to both men and women, snark, snark)... I was very skeptical of the rag, I'll admit.

Jewish Living: Maybe overlooking potential readers, but a good read, if you ask me.So, as promised, I read it. Cover to cover. Ads for upscale modern furniture. A section called Kvell that includes the kvell profile, the kvell of the book, kvell sound check, a national calendar of events, eco-friendly Chanukah gift-guide, cooking that included various ethnic/regional variations on a basic ingredient, Modern Practices-- a section addressing our traditions with a modern take, a huge styley/upscale Chanukah section, a nice article about that dear A.J. Jacobs, stuff about kids, an decently in-depth article about giving in various ways, Two Jews/Three Opinions, a quick list of notable organizations, a piece about Chinese Jews... I have to admit I really like this magazine.

I still think there's nothing inherently female about the magazine, and maybe an opportunity for a male readership is being glossed over in marketing efforts. Family sure, but female? Nuh-uh. Also, even mentioning Heeb and Jewish Living in the same breath is a stretch, as the irreverent brand of humor in Heeb is not found in Jewish Living. Granted, the proof will be in subsequent issues. That will do more in defining the magazine for what it is, so I might be speaking prematurely. But, on its own, I'm reporting back as I said I would, and I do like it. It covers come good basics-- food, home comfort, celebrations, thoughtful gifts, family, and thoughtful discussion of modern Jewish life. All things I enjoy in a magazine. 

I once, no lie, heard someone say, "What do you mean he hit her? They're Jewish! That doesn't happen in Jewish families!" As much as we might like to believe our community is exempt from all sorts of issues, including domestic violence, sadly, we are not.

You heard the lady!: When push comes to shove, it's no longer love. Now, scram, woman beaters.So, I'd like to introduce you to Jewish Women International, an organization that has developed many different programs such as the Mother's Day Flower Project (delivering words of support and encouragement to women's shelters in the US and Israel-- more on the program here), the "be safe, be strong, be healthy" program called When Push Comes To Shove, It's No Longer Love that helps young girls and women better understand dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships and to build skills to respond to domestic violence, and a toolkit that includes the documentary When The Vow Breaks, conferences, and my personal favorites: Strong Girls, Healthy Relationships, a program designed to engage girls in guided discussion and practices to examine their sense of self-esteem in the context of relationships they choose, as well as a section of the program designed for older girls who are already dating an may be already developing unhealthy relationship patterns or know someone who has and LifeSavings, a young women's financial literacy program operating with the understanding that a woman's financial independence is often linked with her

Their website is filled with ways to get involved, too, from petitions to sign, a secure and easy form to give a onetime donation or to set up a recurring monthly donation, a shop with pretty cool t-shirts that both help raise awareness and fund the organization, a teen leadership toolkit, and a guide to find related advocacy initiatives.

Jewish Living: Awesome Martheleh goodness or feminist party foul?I'll probably read this. I mean, I am mostly in the demographic, it covers stuff I am into, but... what is it that's got my knickers in a twist? Is it that Heeb is selling itself short? Is it that I feel like I'm being told I'm too old to play with Heeb and that it's time to grow-up and read something more grown up? Is it that Martha, while her subscriber base probably is largely female, I can't say I've heard her ever specifically address her readership as female? Is it that I'm not too keen on the hearth and home magazines being addressed to me (I'm pretty sure that like that sort of thing because I like it, not because I'm female, etc.)? All of the above?

In any case, here's what's up. Ex-ad exec Daniel Zimmerman is set to launch Jewish Living magazine next week, a "thoroughly modern magazine" that covers the "Jewish home, family and cultural life":

The bimonthly magazine, boasting "How-To" features on Chanukah parties, Friday night diners and something entitled "Stop Coddling Your Kids", will launch with a rate base of 100,000-- part newsstand, part pre-launch subscriptions sold to Jewish associations-- targeting Jewish professional women ages 25-34 with a median household income of over $125,000.

(Full story from Folio)

So, maybe I'm iddly because it's dangerously close to promoting itself as the reader for the second-shift syndrome (when both parties of a couple are employed, and one, usually female, assumes the household responsibilities, or the bulk thereof)...? Would I feel differently if it billed itself as being aimed at Jewish professionals, rather than Jewish professional women? Or, am I coming to the table with a a notion of what women's magazines are and assuming this is just a Jewish Redbook? (Oy, can you imagine?) I mean, maybe it's a Jewish Bitch or Jewish Bust? Right, that would be cool. I could dig that.

Eh well, I have to reserve judgment until I've read it, to be fair. And, I will read it. And, maybe I'll keep a copy of it next to my copy of Heeb and read them both.

I'm not too old to read Heeb, right?

The Torah comes to its annual conclusion with V'zot Habracha, which is the only Parsha in the Torah not read specifically on Shabbes. Rather, V'zot Habracha is read on Shmini Atzeret/Simchat Torah, when people in the shul are called up to the Torah for an aliyah -- even young children, even years before their respective b'nai mitzvot. I really love the creative ideas congregations come up with the differentiate the different aliyot. I, do remember the congregation I visited last year declaring one for "Cubs fans!" and one for "Sox fans!". Poor soxers. I think three people went to the bimah. But, I digress...

Shall we dance?

I heard two girls talking on the train last year and one of them said to the other, "I love Simchat Torah because it reminds me of the last week of school. It's like, 'Awesome, we're finished, let's go crazy', you know?" But, personally, I never thought of it that way. I always felt it was more about celebrating a continuity than it was celebrating an end. For me, Simchat Torah represents and celebrates the clean slate feeling we get from knowing the whole Torah is turned to begin again, and we face the chance to reread it all in a new way. A new way, with our life experiences behind us that we have learned from, that have (shehehiyanu) brought us to this moment, this era, this portion. The words of the Torah don't change, but we certainly do. Learning, challenging ourselves and growing, each year, we see the Torah in a new way. Things that caught our ears in 5767 and absorbed into us and we grew from, maybe don't stand out as much in 5768. In this new year, we hear new parts, we understand words-- perhaps even words we've heard again and again, year after year-- in a brand-new way. Simchat Torah reminds us, quite simply, that the Torah is a constant, we are always changing, and fret not, as we change, so do our interpretations, and, cycle of cycles, as we shift, we should try to remind ourselves that even in times of great confusion, the things that perk up our ears and comfort us this time, even where perhaps they had not before, those things are in there.

And, maybe there's another thought. Maybe we are only open to hearing those "Ping! What did I just read? How perfect this is for my life right now!" moments when we free ourselves and not clutch onto our past interpretations, our past selves, our pasts at all. Perhaps we are only open to those moments when we know that everything, good and bad, positive and negative, foolish and wise, everything we have done in our lives up until right now is to be accepted, for it shapes who we are and all that we have become. Today. Right now. And, maybe when we accept, as opposed to regret, we allow those moments of new understanding, or new shoots of green growth to enter our minds. Perhaps even, regretting and fretting are the things which close our ears and hearts and minds to all the little divine threads blowing around in the world.

K'shem sh'haTorah niglelet mimakom l'makom b'simcha uveshalom, kayn eglol mimakom l'makom berachamim uve'ratzon.

Just as the Torah is rolled from end to beginning amid joy and peace, so too may we go from place to place surrounded by compassion and good will.

(And, so nobody goes home empty-handed, here's an interesting read-- Geshem: Verses for our Mothers, highlighting the matriarchs of our Torah and their relationships to water, and here is a piece chocked-full of ideas, Women's Tefillah and Torah Reading for Simchat Torah.)

It's almost Sukkot, gang. Are you so excited? Personally, despite living in an apartment building with a balcony I share with my neighbor that would be impossible to build a Sukkah on, I'm a fan. It's a lovely reminder of the fragility of our lives, at the mercy of elements, and, probably my favorite theme is the reminder that our "homes" aren't in the buildings we construct, or in the things we buy, but in ourselves and the people we surround ourselves with. (Among other things. I mean, hello, I could sit and write explaining the particulars of Sukkot for days, but that's not what we're here to dig up in this post. Although, this is a nice explanation of some particulars here.)

Anyway. SukkahSoul is, apparently, all the rage this year. I have to admit, that's pretty nice-looking Sukkah. (Maybe not quite as awesome as last year's Sukkot Shake, or the Grease-inspired Sukkah Building, but eh. We do what we can.) Last year, Sukkahless, I grabbed some friends, and we slapped together tiny Sukkot with kosher graham crackers, lemon icing with etrog liquer, and rosemary branches for the roof. Sure, half the fun was probably the number of "etrogitos" we put away while indulging my inner-children, but hey. Whatever. There are ton of resources for building your own sukkah, but I like this one, only for the mention at the end of Jewcy jack-o-lanterns, which I am a big fan of.

There are all sorts of sukkah-building kits like this, of course, or like this, too.

Pimp My Sukkah: Any way you trick your sukkah out, it's all good.

Here sister is doin' it herself, and here is an interesting piece from Project Chana about using empty ushpizin chairs in support of domestic violence victims, and on that sort of note about helping women out, there is, apparently, a proposed boycott this year of a particular Sukkah-dealer's goods, as he is not forking over a get for his wife, though they did obtain a civil divorce almost a decade ago, so groups are calling for a boycott of his sukkot for his recalcitrance. And, speaking of boycotts, the Jerusalem Post is reporting today about a potential educators' strike after Sukkot.

Of course, there are a variety of things to do with your etrog post-Sukkot, ranging from the green-thumbed, to the recycled mitzvot to the delicious. As a side note, I have never seen an etrog this big in my life. Look at it! (Sorry about the lame music.)

Does anyone have any perhaps unusual or outside-the-box Sukkot traditions they want to share with the rest of the class? Hmm?

This afternoon, I got a phone call from a friend of mine and we ended up in a discussion about a feminist Yom Kippur service she's attending this week in a start-up minyan living-room sort of setting. I asked her what elements were going to be changed, implemented or excluded to qualify the service as feminist and she pointed out some resources I'll be sharing with all of you a bit later this week, of course. She mentioned something which I found terribly interesting, and that the women leading this service made a point to let the attending women know that it was a "body-positive, fast-optional" minyan, feeling all too often food, eating, not-eating, and being female is so very loaded.

Yom Kippur: No laughing matter.

This idea started, my friend explained, when one of the service leaders, years ago, overhead women talking about the Yom Kippur diet and felt that seeing the fast as a trick to outsmart the metabolism to be quite a shonda, if not just missing the spiritual point, so they decided on their mindful approach.

Personally, this is a subject of great interest to me, mainly because I write a great deal about the social-cultural issues surrounding women and eating and so often about media literary versus body image and the like. This article from Jewish Family offers a breakdown of physical effects of temporary fasting, with a mindfulness towards eating disorders and here a few rabbis and physician talk it over in a broad sense. Here Richard Israel offers some tips and a decent explanation (for some of our friends-of-the-Jewcy readers) about why we fast, in personal and spiritual terms, while here a rabbi and health officials at the Renfrew Center for Eating Disorders urges people to consider not fasting at all.

This essay by Janie Lieberman details her struggle with eating disorders, why, with the day and its rituals too loaded for her, she did not chose to fast any longer, which ends with this paragraph:

"With Yom Kippur 'fast' approaching, we atone for our sins of the body and spirit. Forgetting all that, many will end their daylong fast by gorging at sundown. Indeed, the Jewish holidays are as rich in traditions as they are in rich food. I, however, do not fast. I did enough of that, and it was only a set up to binge. Judaism teaches us that the body is a soul's house. I respect that philosophy and don't abuse food or my body."

Fasting: Some can, some cannot. No shame, either way.

The Talmud declares that one must maintain a healthy body in order to have a healthy soul, and with such discussion in Judaism devoted to saving a single life being like saving the whole world, and with even the most observant person not only being rabbinically permitted but required to violate other halachic terms to spare someone death.

But, in my humble opinion, there is physically saving a life, and there is emotionally saving a life. Sometimes the lines blur, sometimes they do not, but both are of great sacredness and importance. This year on Yom Kippur, I wish everyone a meaningful, mindful and safe experience, however it manifests, and however we thoughtfully choose.

 

As Borat Would Say: "Very Nice. How Much?"There have been quite a few recent posts here about issues regarding ketubot. In April, the lovely Laurel posted about problems of aesthetics and wound up discovering some pretty awesome options. Earlier this month, titillating Tamar took it a tad further with a conversation about the actual language in a traditional ketubah, and how the document mainly functions as an outdated legal and financial contract. A commenter on that post noted the "lack of a woman's voice in the traditional ketubah."

As a woman, a writer, and a Jew, I am deeply affected by words and symbols. When I first heard that the wedding tradition of breaking a glass might have been meant to symbolize the anticipated breaking of the bride's hymen, I was more than a little distressed. Likewise, when I learned that the traditional Jewish wedding is a legal ceremony in which the man purchases the woman I found myself looking for more evolved alternatives that might still satisfy my taste for tradition. The incredibly inspired and creative Rabbi Jamie S. Korngold led me to a book by brilliant author and professor, Rachel Adler, titled Engendering Judaism: An Inclusive Theology and Ethics.

Engendering Judaism considers how women's full participation can transform Jewish law, prayer, sexuality, and marriage. Chapter 5, "B'rit Ahuvim: A Marriage Between Subjects," concerns itself entirely with the "unresolved tensions between woman as possession and woman as partner [that] are embedded in the classical liturgy upon which all modern Jewish wedding ceremonies draw." Adler calls the traditional legal language for Jewish marriage "fundamentally incompatible with egalitarian relationships," and demonstrates how we may "engender a truly covenantal marriage" with "a lovers' covenant, b'rit ahuvim."

These texts depict the marriage of a young virgin as a private commercial transaction in which rights over the woman are transferred from the father to the husband. This commercial origin is reflected in the relational terminology. The word for husband is ba'al, the general term for an owner, master, possessor of property, bearer of responsibility, or practitioner of a skill. No specialized relationship term exists for wife; she is simply isha, woman. The owner of a house is ba'al ha-bayit, the man responsible for an open pit is ba'al ha-bor, the owner of an ox is ba'al hashor, the owner of a slave is ba'al ha-eved, and the husband of a woman is ba'al isha. The sole signifier for marital relationship is the grammatical form of the construct (semikhut), which binds man and woman as subject and object of an implied preposition: ba'al isha, the master of a woman; eshet ish, the woman of a man.

Rabbinic espousal -- kiddushin -- bridges the girl's passage from her father's hands to her husband's. This transfer procedure is designed to prevent the anarchic and world-disordering expression of autonomous female sexuality that could occur during the dangerous hiatus between these two statuses of daughter and wife, when a girl might consider herself in her own independent domain.

In the Mishna, there is only one approved method for appropriating a wife: monetary acquisition.

At the same time, the rabbis etherealize the commercial transaction of biblical bride purchase into a symbolic act in which, at the ceremony at least, only a token sum of money changes hands. This sum, as little as a penny (peruta) according to the academy of Hillel, represents the biblical bride price, now transformed into a marriage settlement, written into the ketubbah document and paid not to the father but to the woman herself in the event of divorce or widowhood. It is as if the woman were purchased with an annuity due to mature at a future time. As for the token sum used for kiddushin, Ze'ev Falk explains, "the amount was then returned to the husband together with the other items of the wife's property, so that the 'purchase' had become a mere formality."

Adler says that "some apologists argue that marital acquisition is merely a figure of speech and bears no relation to its literal meaning." Of course, modern brides know that they're not actually being purchased, even if that is what the ancient text implies. Why, then, with this intellectual knowledge, can it prove to be so emotionally and spiritually troublesome? I decided to ask my friend, Dr. Jennifer Kaplan, a Jew, a woman, and a practicing psychologist.

"You wouldn’t sign a contract for a house with terms that you didn’t agree to. Seeing is believing. When we see what’s in the contract, it has an affect on us. There’s a part of us that’s offended, and there’s another part of us that says, “Yeah, it’s okay, it’s not literal.” But there’s still that part of you that signs your name to something you don’t subscribe to, and that doesn’t feel good."

Adler argues that women have good reason not to "feel good" about the ketubah, and the ritual of kiddushin. She explains that while "the purchase of the bride may have dwindled to a mere formality in the rabbinic transformation of marriage, her acquisition is no formality. The language of acquisition still accurately reflects a relationship in which the woman has been subsumed and possessed."

So, how do we reconcile our love of tradition with our desire for evolution? Adler has been kind enough to conceive of an alternative ceremony and contract, all the while working to ensure that as many elements as possible from the traditional ceremony were preserved. Here's a description and outline:

The b'rit ahuvim section that replaces the elements of kiddushin (the erusin blessing, declaration of acquisition, giving of the ring, and reading of the ketubbah) is both preceded and followed by traditional words and traditional melodies -- and, of course, the ceremony is performed under a huppah. The order of the service reflects this "frame" of traditional elements:

1. Mi adir 'al ha-kol (traditional invocation of blessing for the couple).
2. Officiant's speech (traditional). Following the invocation is a traditional time for the officiant to speak briefly, outlining and explaining the ceremony and its meaning and speaking personally about the couple. The officiant should take this opportunity to explain what a b'rit ahuvim is and to distinguish it from kiddushin.
3. Blessing over wine (analogous to the tradition, but distinct from it). In the kiddushin ceremony, this blessing would be followed by the erusin blessing, and only the couple would drink from the cup. Here, the officiant should explain that a blessing over a cup of wine is a way to begin a holy celebration. To distinguish this cup from the erusin cup, it may be passed to all those around the huppah.
4. Reading of the b'rit document in Hebrew and in English (analogous to the reading of the ketubbah but clearly distinguished from it by its contents).
5. Kinyan, acquisition of the partnership by placing symbols of pooled resources in the bag and lifting. This will be the most unfamiliar part of the ceremony, but it may also be powerful precisely because it is new. If the partners have put in distinctive personal objects and intend to talk about their significance for the partnership, they should do so before lifting the bag. Wedding rings can be placed in the bag at this time. The partners then lift the bag together and recite the blessing. They could then put on their rings.
6. The Sheva Berakhot, Seven Blessings (traditional).
7. Shattering the glass (traditional).
8. Yihud (traditional). Immediately after the ceremony, the partners go into a room to be alone together.

Adler's approach is deeply respectful and truly inspired. You can check out an example of a b'rit covenant in PDF form, courtesy of Rabbi Korngold, who chose a b'rit ahuvim for her own wedding.

B'rit or no B'rit, women ill at ease with the idea of being symbolically purchased can take this dilemma even further, turning it into an act of Tikkun Olam. The way I see it, we are the lucky ones. We get to question and debate the symbolic meanings of ancient rituals, then we get to choose what we want, dance the Horah and eat wedding cake. Our concerns are linguistic and theoretical. Not so for the thousands of women and children who are sold into slavery around the world each year. According to the Not For Sale Campaign, an estimated 27 million people around the globe are the victims of forced labor and commercial sexual exploitation from which they cannot free themselves. Perhaps the best thing that those of us who are uncomfortable with the idea of being commodified can do, whether we choose a ketubah or b'rit or neither, is take that passion and emotion, and funnel it into working on behalf of those who truly have been sold.

I was at a simcha recently where I met a woman wearing the nicest sheitel I have ever seen. You know the Pantene Pro-V commercials with the ridiculously gorgeous hair? This was like that. I half expected a voiceover to tell me about all the multivitamins that made her hair shine. I was incredibly jealous (though her hair was kind of auburn, and thus had nothing on my purple. But let me tell you, purple hair at a frum wedding—AWKWARD. And yes, I know I made my bed and I’m happy to lie in it most of the time, but perhaps not while chatting with the principal of my Orthodox high school. Anyway).
This Model: has got nothing on the sheitel I saw
Every month or two I have a conversation with someone about how beautiful wigs are these days, and how it defeats the purpose of covering one’s hair to begin with. This is, of course, an accepted halachic view, with plenty of proponents. That said, I also think it’s weird that we should tell women that when they get married they must have dull drab wigs, or frumpy hats. Surely we’re supposed to look nice without being overly provocative, right? This view is propagated in an Ohr Somayach Ask the Rabbi column. It starts out sane, and then goes nuts:

What about wigs? Actually, there are Poskim who forbid wigs. Most people today however follow the opinion that wigs do indeed fulfill the Torah's requirement for a married woman to cover her hair. After all, her hair is covered, and if her wig is in keeping with the societal standards of modesty, then it is OK for her to wear it.

Here’s the crazy part:

Certainly one reason for modesty is in order not to act in a way that is suggestive or alluring. But any behavior which stands out, as if to say "Look at me" is a lack of modesty. For instance, if mid-calf skirts are in style, someone who wears a floor length skirt, thinking she's being "more" modest, might actually be doing the opposite. By being different from everyone else, she actually calls attention to herself!

Being different is wrong. Being different, even if it means being ‘”more” modest’ is apparently against the rules. This makes me want to throw something. It seems like there’s no way to win! Modesty has come to mean blending into the background at any expense. And frankly, if all we need to do is conform to societal standards, there’s no reason why collarbones and knees can’t be bared. I mean, the vast majority of the Western world is doing it, right?

I was thinking about this as I read an article about Muslim women in the Washington Post:

Women the world over find veil limits job choice

Smile!: Or frown. Whatever.

By Deena Hussein

DUBAI (Reuters) - Aysha Obeid couldn't get a job as a shop assistant in Dubai because of the veil that covered her face, exposing only her eyes to the outside world. So to improve her employment prospects, Obeid stopped wearing the veil.

"No one takes women with niqab in the retail sector," said Obeid, 22.

While women who cover up for their faith may expect problems getting some kinds of work outside the Muslim world, those in the region also say they have trouble getting jobs -- particularly ones requiring them to interact with the public.

Full story

What’s so interesting about this story is that the very nature of the story—Hey look! Women who want to wear hardcore veils can’t find jobs!—is immodest according to the Ohr Somayach. Calling these women out seems to challenge their modesty. But what it really does is discuss how difficult it is to live according to certain communities’ standards of modesty.

I’m still sorting through how I feel about all this, but I wanted to get the discussion going about how modest is too modest (does such a thing exist?) and where and when it’s okay to stand out and be different.

Earlier this week I went to yoga class wearing a shirt that says I Heart Hashem on it. Walking across the street (in pants!) on the Upper West Side I caught a girl glance at my chest and then start giggling. A few other people looked thoroughly confused (I guess with the purple hair and the yoga gear I didn’t look like the kind of person who loves Hashem). Later that day I changed into a t-shirt (worn over another shirt with 3/4 sleeves—my elbows were covered) that I made in Chicago. It says STOP STARING AT MY BRAINS. Again, some people laughed and some people looked confused. Occasionally someone will tell me they find it offensive, but generally people find it amusing.
Well, It's True: and dorky
Wearing the two shirts in one day got me thinking about the messages we’re willing to proclaim to the world, through our clothes and through our actions. There’s a lot written about modesty these days. You’ve got the diligently prude Wendy Shalit and her new book Girls Gone Mild, plus her website/blog Modesty Zone. There are websites like Mormon Chic for Mormon girls who need to keep relatively modest at Mormon proms. There’s the Pure Fashion program designed to help teach teenagers what is and is not modest, and the even have a model training program that covers:

* Public speaking
* Manners and social graces
* Hair and make up artistry
* Personal presentation and much more

Yes, hair and makeup artistry is pretty high up on the list of things I think teenage girls need to know better. We should give them lessons in that right after we teach them how to text message and set up a MySpace account.

All of these groups and individuals are telling the same story about how provocative clothing advertises to the public that the thing you value most about yourself is your body, and it’s the thing they should value most about you, too. But I think this point of view misses the point. Different people are provoked and turned on by different things. For some women, wearing a tank top in the summer isn’t about being sexy, it’s about staying cool. If someone’s bra strap shows does it mean she’s a whore, or just that her shirt is a little too loose? I’ve gotten so used to seeing women in tank tops and with bra straps hanging out that it rarely if ever fazes me.
Whatever. I think the general message of the importance of modesty is a good thing, and even though some of the modesty crusaders kind of make me gag, I’m glad they’re trying to do something about just how skanky contemporary fashion has become.
You Don't Have To Dress Like This To Be Modest: unless you're into that
But what about modest behavior? One of the quotes you always see in modesty essays and lectures is from the book of Micah 6:8,
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love loving mercy, and to walk modestly with your God?”

We are supposed to walk modestly with God. But how can we do that? What does it mean to be modest for God? I mean, one assumes God isn’t going to be too distracted by a glance at my cleavage that the world will grind to a halt, so what can we do that helps demonstrate that we’re modest people?

In Hebrew, the word for modesty is tsanua, which often means hidden. To walk modestly with God is perhaps more accurately translated as “to walk, hiding with your God.” Which seems to imply that our Godly actions need not be constantly thrown in other peope’s faces. The English word for modesty comes from moderate and moderation, and just as current fashion could use some purity, I feel like modest fashion cold use some moderation. Perhaps the problem is that we’ve forgotten that there’s supposed to be a level of subtlety and moderation in our relationship with God as well. I’m all for long sleeved high neck shirts, I just think they should be paired with a less self-righteous attitude. And I’m wondering how I can integrate a subtle spirituality into my walk to the subway station, even if my elbows are showing.

First of all, pretty much everything you learned about goddesses from The Da Vinci Code is wrong. You probably knew that, because you probably watched one of those Discovery channel Breaking the Da Vinci Code specials, but in case it wasn’t totally clear, or in case you’d like to learn a little about goddesses and their effects on Judaism and Jewish culture, there’s a much better (though less suspenseful) book about the topic called In the Wake of the Goddesses: Women, Culture and the Biblical Transformation of Pagan Myth by the late Tikva Frymer-Kensky of the University of Chicago.

One thing Frymer’s book doesn’t do, sadly, is tell you how to BE a goddess. Perhaps she assumes you’re rocking the goddess vibe already, or perhaps she thinks all those Glamour articles about how this new eye shadow trick will make you “look like a goddess” are stupid, but regardless it’s clear she wasn’t familiar with Sajani Shakya, a ten year old girl from Nepal who is worshipped as a goddess. Really.

Being a living goddess has its advantages for 10-year-old girl

The Little Goddess: lucky girl

In Nepal, Sajani is a living goddess, one of about a dozen such goddesses in her homeland who are considered earthly manifestations of the Hindu goddess Kali.
Sajani arrived in Washington on June 11 to help promote a British documentary about the living goddesses of the Katmandu Valley and to see a bit of the United States. She is the first of the Nepalese living goddesses to come to the U.S. because the girls live mostly in seclusion.

What does a young goddess do in Washington? Unlike some visitors, Sajani had no plans to ask anyone for anything. Instead, she planned to go on a private tour of the White House with an interpreter. She hoped also to go to the zoo, perhaps ride a roller coaster, visit a Hindu temple and, in places like the school, learn how others live and show them, however shyly, something of her little-known world.
"There's nothing I don't like about being a goddess," Sajani said through an interpreter. Then, thinking about her typical day, when she has to rise early for her family and others to pray to her, she added, "It was difficult when I was younger to get up at 4 to bathe for the morning prayers."

The goddesses of Katmandu are chosen when they are about 2 years old from a Buddhist caste, though they represent a Hindu deity, an example, Whitaker said, of the harmony between the two religions in Nepal.

The king of Nepal has traditionally sought the blessings of the three main goddesses. Hindu and Buddhist priests pick the living goddesses after consulting a horoscope and then finding a girl who meets "the 32 perfections," Whitaker said, from skin "of golden color" to a body "like a banyan tree."

Devotees believe that the goddess Kali inhabits the girls, though they do not exhibit unusual behavior, and then the goddess leaves them when they reach puberty. After that, the girls retire with a small pension. They are free to work and marry.
"The idea of virginal, premenstrual purity, it does seem like a contradiction with worshipping a feminine divine," said Rachel McDermott, associate professor in the department of Asian and Middle Eastern cultures at Barnard College, "but in all this, there is the devotion to purity."

People go to the goddesses to touch their feet as they are carried through the streets. They give them money as offerings, which in Sajani's case goes to support her family. They visit Sajani in the goddess house, where she sits on a small ornate throne, to ask for a better job, better health, a measure of happiness.

Full story

Okay, so you probably missed the boat if you wanted to become a goddess (unless you’re a 2 year old Tibetan girl, in which case, good luck!) but you can still pray like a goddess if you’re so inclined. Much of Jewish liturgy is written in the masculine form, essentially referring to God as a man. I have to be honest and say that as a feminist this doesn’t offend me in the slightest, but I understand how it’s frustrating for others, and I’m happy to direct you over to a website run by a woman named Judith Laura. At Laura’s website you’ll find almost the entire Shabbat daytime services converted over to feminine language. Baruch Ata Adonai becomes Brucha At Yah and so on. It’s fascinating, and at least worth a look. Check it out here.
There Are All Kinds of Goddesses: But naked goddesses are the best kind
And if you’re like me and sitting around having people worship you doesn’t seem like much fun, and you’re not inspired by feminized forms of God’s name, you might want to get yourself a copy of Kiss My Tiara: How to Rule the World as a SmartMouth Goddess by Susan Jane Gilman. It’s the kind of book that makes you laugh and think and get angry and have great ideas and want to change the world. And really, what else is there for a goddess to do?

I’ve been thinking a lot about pornography recently. In the past, I’ve had a laissez-faire attitude about porn. It doesn’t do anything for me, but I’ve never been particularly bothered by it. I believe in free speech, and much as Playboy makes me roll my eyes, I figured it was ultimately harmless. Certainly an improvement over oversexed guys going out there and raping girls, I thought.
Playboy: kind of makes me gag now
But then, in the past few months, someone I know pretty well, someone from a very observant background who is, as far as I know, still shomeret Shabbat and kashrut, began making pornography. And I’m not talking a few scantily clad pictures, I’m talking a significant library of photos and videos available online of her doing a variety of things with a variety of partners of both genders. This is a girl who has a degree in biology from a top-notch university (something she touts on one of her websites), who spent time learning in a seminary in Israel, and who plans to teach Judaica. In one of the pictures someone sent to me she lies naked on a kitchen counter, her head hanging off of the edge and her naked breasts framing her face from above. The captions names her a naughty housewife.

Suddenly, my ‘whatever works for you’ attitude seems horribly naïve. Because I’m now paying little attention to the consumers of this porn, and instead considering seriously what gets a girl to the point where she feels it’s necessary or ultimately beneficial for her to have sex with someone for money. And beyond that, I’m thinking about the ramifications this must have on her family and her community. It is hard to imagine what, specifically, the ladies of the Sisterhood might have to say to the mother of a girl like this, but one can safely assume it would be brutal and sharp.

I have suddenly become an anti-porn crusader, and I hate it. I would prefer never to agree with Pat Robertson. I have no interest in sharing common ground with the Moral Majority. I wish I could throw my arms around all porn stars and tell them I think the work they do is great and important and not psychologically problematic at all, but I can’t, and I’m frankly horrified that I ever could.
Jesus May Love Pornstars: But Moses doesn't
In thinking about all this I did some research about halacha, Judaism and pornography. There’s a lot of information available online, which is good, because I have no interest in discussing this face to face with a rabbi. What I found was that, at least in terms of what’s online, no one in the Jewish world has anything really positive to say about pornography. Even the most liberal sources come down hard on pornography. No one in the Reform, Reconstructionist, or Renewal crowds is cheering publicly for porn stars. The only thing close to good that any Jewish source could bring themselves to say about Jews and porn was that at least these days Jews aren’t considered too unattractive to be in porn. And while I suppose it’s nice to know that the general public no longer considers Jewish girls prudish and frigid, I can’t say I’m overjoyed that the stereotype is now that Jewish girls are more in touch with their sexuality than gentiles. As Anne Roiphe writes in the column I just linked to, “With all our personal variety, we are probably no more or less sexy than anyone else. All the rest, negatives or positives, form a tall tale--and a slightly toxic one, at that.”

Amazingly, the discourse on pornography seen through a Jewish lens is really intelligent, and uniformly condemning. The condemnation is usually not angry fire-and-brimstone ‘God will/should strike pornographers with lightening’ (the exception coming, shockingly, from a Reform rabbi’s commencement address at Liberty University, of all places). Instead, Jewish leaders and intellectuals have clearly struggled with the various ways pornography has affected and is affecting the world and the Jewish community.

The discussion goes as far back as the Talmud, where a story is told of a man who’s so infatuated with a woman next door that he becomes deathly ill, and his doctors think the only way to make him better is for him to have sex with the neighbor in question. But the rabbis forbid it, and forbid anything even approaching it. They won’t even permit her to speak to him from behind a wall. Why? Because, the rabbis say, it’s better that he die than defame her dignity. (See Sanhedrin 75a, Rashi’s commentary).

Though one might expect the Orthodox world to be devoid of porn problem, that’s hardly the case. A chabad rabbi on askmoses.com discusses how to stop a porn addiction. A cover story from the Jewish Journal tells of an Orthodox rabbi caught in a porn addiction, and his work to try to stop it. Last year Arutz Sheva featured an anonymously written article about a porn addict in the frum community. This has prompted a number of castigatory responses, all of which address porn viewing exclusively. The idea that a member of the Orthodox world could be involved in making porn is well beyond the imagination of most of the rabbis choosing to deal with the issue.
Lindsey Vuolo: Hot Jewish Chick who thinks she's a bad person
Even outside the Orthodox spectrum, though, the reaction to Jewish pornography is pretty icy. Bitch magazine, has an article about Playboy’s first Jewish centerfold, and what it means for Jewish girls (in short: nothing good). Over at Slate there’s an awesome conversation between Wendy Shalit, Laura Kipnis and Meghan O’Rourke about the effects on porn on American culture. Though the three disagree in a lot of areas, none of them can bring themselves to say anything really positive, or even anything not-negative, about porn. Google books took me to a page from a book called How Do I Decide?: A Contemporary Jewish Approach to What's Right and What's Wrong By Roland Bertram Gittelsohn. Though the book seems pretty liberal, it comes right out and calls pornography “wrong.” Beliefnet is actually home to some of the most interesting discussion of porn and religion. They have a fantastic conversation between Shmuley Boteach of Kosher Sex fame, and Lindsey Vuolo, the Jewish Playboy centerfold discussed in the Bitch article. Go read the conversation now. Though Vuolo comes off as intelligent and generally well-spoken, Boteach’s arguments clearly get to her, and by the end of the interview she actually says, “I mean, you definitely made me think and now you've made me think I'm a bad person—.” It’s pretty incredible. Equally fascinating is a response to that interview by Bradley Hirschfield, Vice President of The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership (CLAL) and a modern orthodox rabbi. Hirschfield basically says that people shouldn’t be getting up in arms about the fact that Vuolo is Jewish. It’s not a problem exclusive to Jews, and he says Jews need to deal with it in the same way as Christians, Muslims and the rest of the world. The best line from his article is “I want to be very clear. If Jews have a problem with this, it ought to be a problem with Playboy, not with her as a Jewish girl. That is, their discomfort should be coming from the fact that a magazine is paying women to get naked for a camera.”
Joanna Angel: Someone should tell her that adding bagels doesn't make porn kosher
There is simply no justification for pornography in any facet of the Jewishly engaged world. No one is saying it’s okay. Of course, that hasn’t kept Jews out of the business. Ron Jeremy and Nina Hartley are Jewish, and here at Jewcy we’ve brought you interviews with Jewish porn star and producer Joanna Angel, as well as an interview with her distraught Jewish mother. You can even find an academic article on Jews in the porn industry over at the Jewish Quarterly. But no matter how hard I looked, I couldn’t find any publication, organization or blog willing to rave about how Jews in porn is a good or even acceptable thing.

When I finished reading through all of these discussions and articles it occurred to me that what I’d been looking for was something that would let my friend off the hook. I wanted some rabbi somewhere to be giving away free heters to porn stars. But there doesn’t appear to be any such rabbi. And the more I think of that, the more I’m okay with it, even proud of it. I’ve written before about how important I think it is for us to provide realistic sex education and information to the frum community, but I’m relieved to find that even I have clear boundaries. And pornography is way out of bounds.