I wish Sarah Palin would stop beaming telepathic messages to me. I can't stand having her voice in my head. Please, would somebody make it stop?

This time you can't blame the drugs. Oh, yes, back in the day when we were driving around Spain on three-day coke jags and self-medicating with brandy of a despicable vintage, we'd often get The Voices. Everyone did. They sounded like the chorus from one of the Electric Light Orchestra's early hits, and while they weren't entirely unpleasant, they could be very annoying when you were trying to go to sleep after 72-hours of rock'n'roll stupidity.

"Hey Honey, looking for a date?"

Lately I haven't had the time for any drug adventures. Too busy writing blogs and hustling and getting ready for next week's big show. I had to learn the entire "Jews for Jesus" bit again (which recounts my days going undercover to their Bible meetings for a magazine story, and explains why Beneath the Planet of the Apes makes more sense than the Bible), and believe me, you don't need any voices in your head when you have Mr. Blues Explosion playing fuzz guitar behind you. Sarah Palin's high-pitched twang is not helping, not at all.

 

 

Ever since she winked at me during the Vice-Presidential debate, I keep hearing her voice, like a mentally-challenged Siren beckoning me across the Bering Strait. I don't know what is worse - her insipid whine or her thin grasp of the English language. 

Ya wanna fuck a shiksa, dontcha? Well, doggone it, come on out to Wasilla! We've got lots of young girls who would love to meet a real live Jew! Come on, Mike. You can see Jerusalem from my window!

Hot, hot, hot!I can't handle it anymore. I need to purge these demons.

Luckily, my old friend Larry Flynt has just the perscription I need - A Sarah Palin porno!

The maverick Hustler magnate is currently in production of a new film, called Nailin' Palin. And given the rigorous shooting schedule of your average fuck flick these days, it should be out any second now. According to Radar magazine, here's a few things we can all look forward to: Sarah riding a rocket from Russia when those nasty commies come a-knockin' on her back door; a flashback sequence wherein "young Palin's creationist college professor will explain a big bang theory even she can't deny!"; and of course, the obligatory late-night visit from the tanning bed repairman.

 

A more perfect Union.

Pornography, of course, is not a sin. But I have a feeling that pretty soon I am going to be feeling very guilty. 

Mike Edison, author of I Have Fun Everywhere I Go, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he'll be here all week.  Stay tuned.

***********************************

Mike will be performing with his band, featuring Jon Spencer, in a very special evening of "Literary Mayhem and Rock'n'Roll," with special guests Jonathan Ames, Rachel Shukert, and Amanda Stern, Thursday, October 16^th,at the incredible Spiegelworld tent at the South Street Seaport inManhattan. For info, free MP3s and videos (including the infamous BongGuitar video) and much more, please visit www.rockettrain.com

Literary Mayhem!

 

My fellow American Jews,

I am a member of Rabbis for Obama, along with 550 colleagues from all movements of Judaism. In this sacred season of repentance, I would like to share my reflections on some powerful messages from our tradition and their implications for the fateful choices we face.

Arise from your slumber and rouse yourselves from your lethargy..." (Maimonides)

In hearing the blast of the Shofar, we have an opportunity to wake up to the grave challenges our nation faces, and to forge a path based on our Jewish values of tzedek (justice), hesed (loving-kindness), and shalom (peace).

I believe that Senator Obama offers us a chance to build bridges across the divides of race, religion, class and country of origin. In this moment of economic turmoil and suffering, he calls on us to move beyond self-interest to extend opportunity across our society to "lift up the fallen" through lifelong education, accessible healthcare, and through involvement in community service. He urges us to reinforce the civil rights and liberties upon which our safety, and that of all of the vulnerable people in our society, depends.

I hope we will hear in the call of the Shofar an invitation to this path toward a repaired society and nation, as Senator Obama said in his historic Rosh Hashanah conference call with 900 Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist and Conservative rabbis, "[this is]... a time to recommit to the serious work of Tikkun Olam, of mending the world."

"For the sin we have committed...in impurity of lips" (Machzor).

Among the sins we will recount in our Yom Kippur confessional prayers is this one: "for the sin we have committed against you in impurity of lips (b'tumat sfataim)."

Far too often, I hear good Jewish people repeating slurs and calumnies without the slightest basis in truth. My 9 year-old son came home from his Jewish day school saying, "Barack Obama hates Israel." (The facts: Senator Obama's Senate voting record is rated 100% on Israel by AIPAC, and he has a long and deep partnership with the Jewish community. He has repeatedly stated that "Israel's security is sacrosanct," and that Iran must absolutely not be allowed to threaten Israel with nuclear weapons). I have heard older Jews say that they "know" that Senator Obama is a Muslim (There's nothing wrong with being a Muslim, but, for the record, Senator Obama is a committed Christian.)

Our tradition teaches us that lashon ha-ra, evil speech, kills three: the one who speaks, the one who listens, and the one about whom the untruths are told. We Jews of all people know the toxic effect of slurs based in racism, ignorance or xenophobia. As we turn in repentance, I hope we will start by refusing to listen to or repeating distorted claims about Senator Obama or any other candidate, and by asking people repeating them to refrain from this disgraceful behavior. No matter how insecure we feel, we must redouble our efforts to make critical decisions on facts, not fear.

"Hope in the Eternal, be strong and God will give your heart courage, hope in the Eternal" (Psalm 27).

The penitential Psalm, which we recite each time we pray during these days of repentance, calls us to ground our existence in hope. In this uncertain time, it is easy to succumb to fear, and to narrow our vision, or even to abandon our most fundamental values.

I hope you will heed Senator Obama's call, not only to hope for, but to realize, the hope for a society of liberty, opportunity, mutual responsibility and justice. With hope grounded in faith, and with a leader of vision and substance, wisdom and humility, our country can live up to its shining promise.

G'mar hatimah tovah, may we all be inscribed a year of sustenance, goodness and peace.

Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman
Vice-Chair, Rabbis for Obama

On the evening of Yom Kippur, in preparation for the 25 hour fast, Jews the world over will offer charity, request forgiveness from friends and family whom they may have wronged, and immerse themselves in the mikveh to be purified. At some point, perhaps post-mikveh and before donning their white garments for the Kol Nidre service, many of them will stick a little something up their tuches.

I discovered this secret several years ago, here on West 90^th Street in the week before Yom Kippur when I was complaining to a neighbor about how not eating or drinking doesn't bother me, but the caffeine withdrawal is brutal. "In Monsey, there's a run on caffeine suppositories the day before Yom Kippur," my in-the-know friend shared with me. I envisioned a hoard of desperate, bearded Jews pounding on a pharmacy door, like heroin addicts begging for a fix.

The purpose of fasting is to enable us to focus on our prayers and thereby to come closer to God, without the distraction of thinking about food. It tends not to work out that way, in my experience. This same friend's wife confided that while she can pray with her whole heart in synagogue on the morning of Yom Kippur, come afternoon she is obsessed with food and so she sits at the kitchen table, reads cookbooks, and fantasizes about crème brulee. Jewish porn.

It's hard to transcend the pounding headache and slip into an altered spiritual state if you're pre-occupied with food or coffee. So if that caffeine suppository offers you a path to God, I say hallelujah. The end justifies the means.

Though my husband grew up in an Orthodox home, he never heard about going the rectal route! He jokingly considered asking his brother, a rabbi, whether this backdoor loophole is recognized in the rabbinical world as being kosher, but he knew that his brother didn't like to encourage those kinds of "frivolous" questions. "All I know," my husband said, "is that a lot of matches were made on Yom Kippur afternoon."

This was a revelation to me. "Really? Why?"

He shrugged. "I guess these guys are starving and some girl says she's got a nice brisket at home and a pie and he's in a weakened state..."

This was clearly more about my husband's fantasy of what would entice him in the long, dark, lonely hours of repentance. The fact that this conversation took place over dinner in a restaurant, (no home-cooked meal), was not lost on me.

But it was a curious idea--that on Yom Kippur, when you have bad breath and are cranky and can't wear lipstick and you smell (no bathing or anointing the body, which means no deodorant or make up - in my case, that ain't ever happenin'!)--you will attract a mate. Yet, a little research corroborated that my yeshiva-educated husband was correct. In the Mishnah, Rabbi Shimon ben Galmiel wrote that in the times of the Temple: "There were no festivals in Israel like... Yom Kippur, for on them the young women of Israel went out in borrowed white dresses...and danced in the vineyards. And what did they say? `Young man, lift up your eyes and see what you choose for yourself.'"

While the men may have been viewing the women with visions of brisket dancing in their heads, my guess would be the women were looking at the men and seeing spirituality. Whether either of them could in reality offer tender roast beef or whisper sweet-nothings in Aramaic was beside the point. It was Yom Kippur, and if it was possible to start anew with God, you could consider starting anew with another human being. It's that kind of hope that keeps Jewish matchmaking sites like http://www.sawyouatsinai.org in business.

Like everyone else on my block and in the greater, observant Jewish world, I'm not averse to seeking out ways to alleviate the effects of the fast (before the fast begins, have a teaspoon of honey; drink Pedialyte with juice...) However, I've noticed that there's a pointed lack of discussion between people on what is supposed to be at the center of the day - our relationship with God. I truly think my neighbors would flip out if I stopped them to confide that I worry if God heard my prayers, or if I inquired if they'd felt God's presence as much as I had in synagogue. Better, I should speak of suppositories than of my personal soul-searching.

On Yom Kippur, the presumed duality between the body and the soul seems even more pronounced. Our preoccupation with our hunger and our bludgeoning headache only serves to re-enforce how very earth-bound we are, and as a result the two feel to be at odds with one another. Perhaps the idea that the physical and the spiritual are not in conflict but are part of the whole is the lesson that can be learned from the custom of the young women dancing and chasing the men on afternoons many millennium ago in the old country. On what other day are our physical and spiritual selves so on display and available, and our awareness of our own and others' quite so heightened?

May Yom Kippur be a time of spiritual beginnings, in your partnership with God and with others. I wish you an easy fast, whatever route you take.

"Lift up your eyes, and see what you choose for yourself."

 

Bad Karma on the Kippur was created for Film Racing (www.filmracing.com), a 24-hour film contest where movies have to be written, cast, directed, edited and scored in less than a day!  The assigned theme of the contest was karma, and someone had to water a plant within the body of the short.  While most of the other films in the contest really hit the karma theme nail on the head, Alex Grossman, the writer and director, decided to go for a looser interpretation.  The film was a finalist in the competition, but really took on a life of it's own when someone posted it on YouTube, where it's garnered over 30,000 hits in just a few days.

 

 

CONVERSATION: Do you have similar tales of holiday scalping? Does Grossman's depiction ring true? Are synagogues just trying to survive? Is there something culturally perverted in the dynamic between American Jews and their houses of worship?

Probably your synagogue runs a canned food drive during Yom Kippur. The youth group will collect cans of unperishable food and later they’ll be dropped off at a local food pantry, right?
Hungry?: Take action!
It’s a great idea, but on the eve of a fast, I don’t find it quite as fulfilling as I might want. If you’re not fasting this year, and certainly if you are, I recommend spending a few minutes researching just how bad food distribution is in this country, and the world over.

You may want to start at the ThinkQuest site for World Hunger, which tells us:

In 1994 the Urban Institute in Washington DC estimated that one out of 6 elderly people in the U.S. has an inadequate diet.

In the U.S. hunger and race are related. In 1991 46% of African-American children were chronically hungry, and 40% of Latino children were chronically hungry compared to 16% of white children.

The infant mortality rate is closely linked to inadequate nutrition among pregnant women. The U.S. ranks 23rd among industrial nations in infant mortality. African-American infants die at nearly twice the rate of white infants.

One out of every eight children under the age of twelve in the U.S. goes to bed hungry every night.

Half of all children under five years of age in South Asia and one third of those in sub-Saharan Africa are malnourished.

And once you’ve done your research, consider donating money to a group that works on hunger relief (I love Mazon and Changing the Present) and donating time to local hunger fighting groups. My favorite food distribution group is called Food Not Bombs. They have chapters in cities all over the world, and meet weekly to give away free vegan food to homeless people.

It may be a cliché that your rabbi uses every year, but unfortunately, it’s still true: for some people, every day is Yom Kippur.

Wishing you an easy and meaningful fast.

I really like Kol Nidre so much and I'm really looking forward to the service tonight. It's so heavy and really pulls at my heart, but/and synagogues sound so beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that I wanted to sneak a little listen to Max Bruch's arragement of the Kol Nidre. Here's a pretty version by the Vienna Philharmonic Women's Orchestra, here's a men's a capella version, here's a Moroccan version sung by Eyal Bitton, uh, and here's you're just a click away from a sitar version of the Kol Nidre that turns sort of jam-bandy reggae-ish, if that's your bag. As for alterna-versions, I suppose, if I must, my vote would go to Meshuggah Beach Party's version-- they've only slapped their Shalom Alechem onto YouTube, so you'll have to score their CD to make the Kol Nidre happen, which you can get, right here. I have it and I can personally vouch for its wicked awesomeness. Ben Sidran does a great jazz version on the Life's A Lesson CD, Eddie South has a sad little violin version, Alhambra does a nice one, too, on the Art of Judeo-Spanish Songs CD.

And since I won't talk to any of youse until Monday, I have a few Yom Kippur goodies for you too:

Pinata Kaporos: Chickens everywhere think it's a great idea.

Is it weird that I sat through this whole thing by Lil' Mermaid, "Rap Kippur", but didn't go "mmm" until I saw the Nutella...? Anyway. So, this is a little uncha-uncha-uh-uh dancey, but it's kind of a cool view of Tel Aviv in fast forward on Yom Kippur.

Finally, this is-- eh, well, I don't know what the fuck this is. Why atone at shul if you can just beat the crap out of a, uh, a, what is that? A blue dog? A chicken might be more appropriate? Nah, I kind of like the little guy's idea of chicken liberation.

G'mar Chatima Tovah.

I'm feeling solemn. Not because I'm thinking about the sins I have to atone for tomorrow, but because nothing will pass beyond my lips. For someone who bases her life around meals (and requires coffee in order to function at the most basic level), I feel that my immediate future holds no pleasure. However, it is only one day. We're going to get through this! Here are some tips I've come across on easing the pain:

The Night Before:

1. Don't drink alcohol with dinner for these obvious reasons: You will be thirsty, you might get a headache, you could be hungover tomorrow, and, in worst case, you could puke, leaving you with an empty stomach.

2. Eat something filling, and not too salty or spicy. Kung Pao chicken, for instance, would not be ideal.

3. Don't overeat. Some people say that if they eat a huge dinner, they feel extra hungry the next morning. I am not of this camp. I personally like to stuff myself until I feel like I never want to eat again (or at least the next day). I plan on eating a hefty portion of pasta tonight, and maybe a slice of cheesecake for dessert...Mmmm...

The Day of:

1. Go to temple. It helps to be around a bunch of people who are suffering along with you.

2. Don't talk about how hungry you are. This will only draw your attention to your growling tummy. Instead, think of foods that make you want to barf, like week-old sushi or maggot-infested oatmeal.

3. Take a nap. It suppresses the appetite and makes the time fly by. You might even dream of eating, and then it's like you actually did!

4. Sniff spices. I've heard that sticking your nose into a jar of cinnamon, cloves, and/or cardamom eases hunger. (These are the spices used during the havdalah ritual at the end of shabbat.) I have no idea if this works or not, but since I happen to have these spices on hand because of the baklava I just made, I plan on trying it. Hey, why not?

If you have any more tips on easing the fast, please share!

Tortilla EspanolaTortilla Espanola is the Spanish version of an omelet. You'll find it everywhere, even in Spanish 7/11s on the highway. At its most traditional it's nothing more than potatoes, onions, eggs, a little olive oil, and salt, though you could add flavorings like cheese, zucchini, or even codfish of you're so inclined. The key is cooking the omelet evenly once everything is in the pan. Make sure you let it rest before you cut it. For breaking the fast prepare the day before and leave out. If there's any left after the break fast, store in the refrigerator.

 

 

Gazpacho: Properly orange and frothed.When I went to Spain in July, I ate gazpacho every day. In hot climes, there's nothing more refreshing for lunch. In Spain they don't serve the chunky salsa-style we typically see here. They blend it until it reaches a creamy orange color. Sometimes it's served as a drink in a big glass goblet. Sometimes it's thicker and richly flavored, meant as a dip for tortilla espanola. Sometimes it's thin and light, served as a drink in a big glass goblet. It's so easy to make the authentic varieties and you really don't have to follow a recipe. You pretty much just toss a bunch of veggies in a blender with some olive oil and stale bread crumbs. I love the thick kind, so here's how I do it:

First you'll need a chunk of stale bread. I like ciabatta. How much? Well that depends on you. If you want a thick gazpacho to dip your tortilla in use more, if you want it soupier use less or none at all. Blend it until you have a fine crumb. Put the bread crumbs in a fine mesh strainer and rinse under a faucet. After a good shower, mush them into the strainer, squeezing the excess water out like a sponge. Return the mush to the blender.

You can get creative with your veggies. I add half a yellow onion, about 3 medium vine-ripened tomatoes cut into chunks, a half a bell pepper (preferably red, but any color should do), and garlic to taste. You could add a cucumber if you had that lying around, which would make a thinner soup.

Season to taste with salt and fresh ground black pepper, perhaps a dash of cumin. Add a tablespoon or two of red wine vinegar and then drizzle in a few tablespoons of olive oil. Blend until smooth. Your gazpacho should taste light, a little frothy even. It should be orange, not red. If yours is red, you didn't add enough olive oil. So drizzle some more in and blend until it turns orange. When you've got your seasonings right, pop it in the fridge. Serve very cold.

If you're so inclined garnish with tuna, hard boiled egg, and/or ham (that's how they do it in Spain--it works surprisingly well), or a drizzle of olive oil.

Marinated cheese: Delicious and simple. I was planning a little get-together at my apartment, and I always tend to go overboard with the food. I called my mom and asked her for an easy recipe I could make ahead of time so I wouldn’t stress too much the day of. She emailed me this really delicious marinated cheese recipe that ended up being my favorite thing at the party (it beat out the pigs in blankets!). Props, Mom.

If you want to keep the Spanish theme going for the break fast, use Manchego cheese. Monterrey jack is also delish.

Deviled Eggs: Not just a 50s thing.Ah, deviled eggs: so underrated. I love them, but no one seems to make them anymore. And by “anymore” I mean like, not since the 50’s. So when I was browsing through some tapas recipes for the upcoming Yom Kippur holiday, I got really excited when I came across this one for “Stuffed eggs in Argentina” (or, Huevos rellenos en Argentina).

The recipe calls for anchovies, which do contribute a nice salty nuttiness, but if you hate anchovies, just leave them out.

Escalibada: A beautiful and delicious vegetable dish. Escalibada is a Catalan dish and is one of Spain's most popular cold tapas. There are many different versions, but they all include red peppers and aubergine (eggplant). This version also has onion, potatoes, and tomatoes (make use of the funky heirloom tomatoes that are in season now). And feel free to adjust this recipe according to which veggies you and your guests like best.
This can be made up to two days ahead and should be served at room temperature. It’s great piled onto a baguette with some cheese, or plain.

Listen closely: You can hear the stomachs rumblingI decided that I wanted a bat mitzvah when I was 20. I had been living in South Africa and spending a lot of time with Jews whose lives seemed enriched by their faith. Though I had not been raised religious and wasn’t looking for a holy-roller conversion, I wanted to do something to mark my Jewishness. The plan dissipated upon my return to the States, but my desire to participate in some of Judaism’s more meaningful rituals—an excuse to celebrate with people I love—did not. I have not lived up to my plan.

When a friend invited me to her break-fast this year, I made up my mind not to fast unless I had a good reason. Taking a random sampling of Jewish friends, I found that most observed because of their parents, because that’s what you do on Yom Kippur. But we’d never done the High Holidays in my home, so the tradition was really mine to take or leave.

Consulting Rabbi Leonard Gordon about the fast’s biblical roots was informative, but predictable. I knew I’d need to find a more tangible reason than souls and spirits. I liked the drama inherent in Rabbi Alan Flam’s description of the fast as a “structured encounter with death,” and I was drawn to the possible peace of mind that I imagined confronting mortality might bring, but I worried that I’d be too self-conscious trying to achieve this state. I did not want the pressure of trying to feel something as massive as death. I wanted a reason that wasn’t shrouded in religion.

Dr. Myron Yaster insisted both to my relief and disappointment that so long as you have a functional metabolism, your body will be fine. Where I had thought that the fast was something to struggle through, Dr. Yaster made it sound like half of America is fasting. (Which of course they are.)

Help yourself: Is Yom Kippur really about body issues?Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair suggested that rather than being an excuse not to eat, Yom Kippur can be used as a way to forgo body issues for a little while. This self-help-y language, while perfect for a self-help column, was not entirely convincing.

It was Wendy Shanker, a regular (and insightful) Jewish girl, who finally convinced me I should fast. For Shanker, a day shouldn’t require deprivation to be holy, but it does require doing things outside the norm: not checking email, not putting on makeup, not having sex, and yes, not eating. It means going to synagogue and being reminded of family and thinking about what is important in the coming year.

I have decided to fast on Yom Kippur because I want to be with a community of people who are also trying to feel something. I know I won’t be the only person in the congregation who is perplexed by why it’s important to spend the day starving. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to “check in” or “turn inward,” or even keep quiet during shul, but I will make an attempt, and if I fail, I’m not a bad Jew.

As pop song themes go, atonement is right up there with the biggies: sex, puppy love, devil worship. Songs of penance are especially ubiquitous in American popular music, and small wonder. So much American pop flows out straight out of the church – blues plaints, honky tonk rave-ups, and soul ballads are often little more than secularized sinners' confessions, ne'er-do-wells begging their women to let them please come home while an angry Old Testament God glares down from on high. Here then are 20 quasi-secular, mostly crypto-Christian pleas for forgiveness and pledges of reform – a perfect soundtrack for a nice Jewish boy or girl's Yom Kippur reckoning. There are two bona ...

As an atheist raised in culturally Christian milieu who lives with a non-practicing Jew, I’m in no position to discourse on Jewish notion of atonement as practiced on Yom Kippur. But in my understanding, the holiday has to do with self-reflection, introspection and an attempt at restitution of past wrongs. I find this model of atonement appealing in its focus on the human as well as the divine: We wrong God when we wrong other people, and we can only make things right by addressing that earthly harm. There are so many great movies built around the timeless theme of sin and repentance. Here are a few that stand out for me:

I was recently called on the carpet by a Bel Air cantor when I told him that, despite my atheism, I still fasted on Yom Kippur. He asked why and, after some hemming and hawing that had to do with the memory of my deceased relatives, he said, "So you do it to feel good about yourself." The lesson being, for me, at least, that when it comes to atoning, motives count. I suspect I won't fast this year, but I might spend the day in the company of some more deeply felt literary atoners.

Having trouble finding time for a meal?: You are not alone.For my final day of decision-making, I didn’t want to talk to an expert. I didn’t want to hear what the Torah had to say, or how my cells would dry up and die, or how fasting contributes to body dysmorphia. I just wanted to talk to a Jewish girl like me, someone who had a flexible relationship with the faith, and who practiced on her own terms. I wanted to know what her reasons were for fasting, if she did it just because, or if there was intention in the ritual.

I met Wendy Shanker at New York’s City Bakery. She daintily picked at black rice, snow peas, and chickpea-encrusted chicken, and sipped an ice coffee. I ate three vanilla bean cookies. Shanker is 34 years old, the author of the memoir The Fat Girl’s Guide to Life, and the kind of person you want as your friend. She’s warm, she’s proud, and she laughs easily.

Shanker, who doesn’t belong to a shul but keeps Shabbat and fasts each year, grew up believing that Yom Kippur was about suffering for sins, since for Jews, not eating is a major concession to God. As she got older, she found that a 24-hour fast doesn’t really work as punishment. It’s not long enough to cause much discomfort or to achieve elevated peace of mind, let alone a transformation. And fasting, as she noted, is not so different from what has become normal eating behavior. These days, it’s not only obsessive Jewish girls saying, “I had a huge dinner last night so I’m going to skip breakfast and lunch today,” but a good portion of everyday working stiffs who try to wedge their first bite of the day in at 4 p.m. If abstention is the status quo, does the Yom Kippur fast work as atonement?

Sweating off the pounds: Why Yom Kippur brings back unpleasant memories for some womenTalking to Shanker helped me understand on a personal level what Rabbi Gordon meant when he assured me that guilt and suffering weren’t the ultimate goals of the holiday. But I was still concerned about the way fasting echoes unhealthy eating behavior. I had perversely thought of the fast as having added weight-loss bonus, but for Shanker—who’d spent years trying to lose weight with various dieticians and trainers—not eating comes with an entirely different kind of guilt. Rather than giving her the secret pleasure of being allowed to skip meals, Yom Kippur instead roused unpleasant memories of being told not to eat. She’d had enough trouble dieting for her own well-being; why was it so much easier to do for God?

To make the fast meaningful beyond punishment-lite or indulging Jewish-girl body neuroses, I did not want to do it for an abstraction like God, or transformation, or even forgiveness. Shirking dogma and religious obedience, Shanker finds the fast significant partly because it reminds her of childhood and family, and partly because it makes the day different. There is no expectation of transformation, no half-hearted nod to forgiveness; she draws meaning from the day by designating it meaningful.

This is usually the kind of thing I hate—deciding something is meaningful just because. Unlike most mass holidays, there’s nothing particularly fun about Yom Kippur. There are no gifts, you can’t observe it until you’re old enough to at least fake solemnity, there’s even a special prayer just for the dead. And so unless you have a deep-seated faith or are just going through the motions, finding meaning in the ritual can be a struggle. This is what finally appeals to me, what makes me almost want to start fasting this instant—being in a room full of other people who are also trying to find meaning in what we have been told is a holy day.

Next page: Hunger Pangs

The guilt shouldn't be in the pudding: Is it healthy to fast in a country obsessed with food and weight?“I could eat all the time” is a favorite expression among the women in my family. It’s an exaggeration, yes, but not by much. We’re second- and third-helping kinds of eaters, the types who always eat dessert and apologize for bad moods by mumbling, “I was hungry.” But despite a seemingly unabashed pride in our appetites, none of us are particularly thrilled with our bodies.

Though I’ve never dieted or been diagnosed with an eating disorder, I have made—and inevitably broken—absurd promises to myself about food. I’ve sworn I wouldn’t eat dessert for a whole week, or that I’d go easy on bread, or even abstain from eating until 1:00 p.m. I feel guilty when I have Doritos, ice cream, and fries—all foods I’d like to eat every day. If this sounds strange to you, chances are you’ve never had an honest conversation with a woman about her relationship to her body and food. How could I separate a holiday that sanctions not eating in order to feel holy from the everyday pressures of not eating in order to be thin?

I took this question to Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair, the director of Eating Disorders Education and Prevention at McLain Hospital in Boston. She disagreed with the idea that Yom Kippur contributes to dominant body neuroses. Judaism, she suggested, can actually counter unhealthy choices. Paraphrasing the Torah, Steiner-Adair offered the old body-is-the-temple-of-your-soul adage, insisting that Judaism actually promotes a healthy psychological and physical connection to your body.

It’s nice to think that the Torah discourages unhealthy behavior, but the ethics of Judaism can easily slip into obsessive behaviors. Indeed, Lori Hope Lefkovitz, a women’s studies professor at the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College (and the wife of Rabbi Gordon), pointed out that some kosher cookbooks, with their strict hygienic guidelines and separation of foods, read like a prescription for an eating disorder. Whether you’re doing it for obsolete sanitary purposes or for ritual purity, keeping kosher requires you to be vigilantly aware of everything that goes in your mouth. This can easily contribute to being freaked out about food in general.

Cracking under pressure: A disproportionate number of Jewish women suffer from anorexia.Though Steiner-Adair does not believe that keeping kosher contributes to eating disorders—she thinks eating disorders are a contemporary neurosis—she agreed that Jewish women are especially susceptible to the cultural pressure to be thin. Anorexia clinics, she told me, actually house a disproportionate number of Jewish girls. From her time spent working with women who suffer from eating disorders, Steiner-Adair thinks Jewish women grow up with the impression that to assimilate into American standards of beauty, you must be thin.

While Steiner-Adair’s optimism in the Torah as a way to help women get over body issues struck me as naïve, I did like her suggestion that the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur should be a time to remove yourself from the strange dialogue women have about food. In fact, Steiner-Adair sometimes tells her anorexic Jewish patients to eat a little more on Yom Kippur as an alternative way of observing the holiday. Flipping the rules this way helps undermine the idea that eating is bad. Similarly, those who decide to fast need to stop thinking about food as sin. “Don’t worry if you can’t hold the fast,” Dr. Steiner-Adair told me. “You’re not a bad Jew and you’re not a bad person and you’re just not bad.”

Instead of using Yom Kippur as an excuse to not eat, Dr. Steiner-Adair says, you should use it as a time to think about who you want to be in the world. This is a simple enough suggestion, but I’ve never connected the holiday with personal reflection. I certainly spend enough time during the rest of the year thinking about what matters, but typically in a list-making, goal-oriented kind of way. Whatever my ambiguous relationship toward spirituality in general and Judaism in particular, I liked the idea of using the fast as a designated way of taking stock.

Having spent the last three days hearing the various opinions of officialdom, for my last interview I wanted to get a personal take on the fast. Tomorrow I’m going to forget doctors and rabbis and instead talk to a regular Jewish girl, the author of a memoir about body image who has plenty of reservations about both religion and dieting but fasts nevertheless.

Next page: Lunching about fasting.

Hold off on the Manischewitz: Water is better after a fastDr. Myron Yaster is the reason I started fasting, though he doesn’t know it. Yaster has been observing the fast since his bar mitzvah 41 years ago. He attends a Conservative synagogue in Baltimore, the same one where his three children were all bar mitzvah’ed. Since the eldest of those three children happens to be my boyfriend, the guy I followed to synagogue three years ago, it seemed especially appropriate to get medical advice from him.

I wanted to speak with an M.D. because when you separate fasting from a religious or political context, it comes down to a simple question of metabolic health. As a mostly non-observant Jew, I have a hard time accepting religious practices that compel you to inflict pain or even stress on your body. What I wanted to learn from Yaster was exactly how much stress our bodies undergo during this religious rite. Additionally, I wanted to know if there was any kind of documented physical transformation I could expect as a result of not eating.

Yaster assured me that a 24-hour fast is fine for anyone with a normal metabolism. The physical effect of fasting on the body is sort of like being on a high-protein or low-carb diet where your body is tricked into using fat as a primary fuel. Although you might feel a little lightheaded or cranky by the 22nd hour, a one-day fast has almost no effect at all on your health or ability to function.

Don't let the Torah get you down: Bodies can handle a lot of deprivation.At sundown on Yom Kippur I generally head straight for the lox plate and bagel basket to stuff myself with as much fish and bread as I can grab. Yaster explained that while this is a common urge, liquid is really the first thing you should have after the fast (wine doesn’t count). I’ve never seen someone bring Gatorade to Yom Kippur dinner, but it’s an ideal way to break the fast, since it contains a severe infusion of salt, water, sugar, and glucose—the things you need to maintain a well-functioning metabolism.

Though he put all fears of masochistic worship to rest, I came away from our conversation feeling somewhat let down. It is true that I don’t want to harm my body just because the Torah says so, but part of me was expecting—hoping—for the fast to be more of a physiological undertaking. If your body hardly registers 24 hours without food, any real physical change is unlikely. It seems that achieving an inward-focused death-like state, as Rabbi Greenberg suggested, requires a lot more than the hungry, sleepy stupor I tend to fall into by the holiday’s end. In spite of my own misgivings with religion, I didn’t want my fast to be the equivalent of a crash protein diet.

In a culture that rewards abstinence, where Atkins is a household name, it is impossible not to associate fasting, no matter how holy, with the desire to be thin. As someone with a fairly normal attitude towards her body for an American woman—not pleased but not moved to change—I know I will have to confront the fast-as-diet before deciding if I want to observe. Tomorrow I will talk to a clinical psychologist who specializes in eating disorders, particularly among Jewish women.

Next page: Yom Kippur as a time to eat more, not less

There was a time when I’d quit a job every year. It wasn’t a planned renewal, but it sure helped me freshen up my career when it felt stale. Of course, one can do that sort of thing for a while, but the longer you jump around the less chance you have of really building career (and think of how often you have to update your resume).

So before you get overwhelmed by all the things that feel insurmountable, try getting your mind and machine in shape to deal with all the tasks on your plate. You’re not on your own: There are countless books, essays and Web sites devoted to your success. And if your job still sucks after all your self-improvement, you can always quit—just do it with class.

 

Obsessive blog-reading: Much more effective than banging your head on your deskIncrease your productivity by reading blogs (yes, blogs)
You’re going to do it anyway, so why not have your procrastinating Web surfing time work for you? No, not by joining a pyramid scheme. Web sites like 43 Folders and Lifehacker are full of pointers and freeware to make your work life more efficient. Folder’s Inbox Zero helps you get your e-mail stream squeaky clean in under 20 minutes, and devise strategies for keeping it that way. (Hint: “delete, delete, delete.”) Lifehacker points you to haiku productivity, and if that Zen path doesn’t prove fruitful, there’s always a crude Microsoft timer to get your ass in gear. Lastly, don’t underestimate how having the perfect iTunes equalizer setting can help your projects practically finish themselves.

 

Join the cult of David Allen
If the blogs don’t make you a super-employee, David Allen will. Twenty pages into Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity, you might be inspired to put down the book and make all those calls you’ve been putting off. If it only takes a couple minutes, then it falls under his Two-Minute Rule: If it takes less than 120 seconds to handle (phone call, e-mail, bill paying), do it now so your brain can be freed to deal with more important tasks later on. Might was well just buy the book now. It only takes two minutes.

 

Rule the cube farm: All workers are equal, but some are more equal than othersCharm the jorts off your office’s IT team
The IT guys claim they’re busy, but when you walk into their office, they’re playing World of Warcraft and inhaling Cool Ranch Doritos. Lazy bastards? Yes. Permission to throw a fit? No. Making enemies in the IT department will only get you grief. Fortunately, IT guys are usually pretty easy to please. First, read this article in the Wall Street Journal, which gives tons of tips about how to improve your relations with the office geek. Next, print it out and tape it to your cubicle—not just so that you can follow all the instructions, but also so they know you’re trying. Third, if you really want to charm them, learn their language; the Family Guy Wikiquote page is an excellent place to start.

 

Throw your Blackberry in the fountain, Devil-Wears-Prada–style
Sometimes it’s not your bad attitude, or your passive-aggressive asides, or your impatience with the IT department that’s ruining your life. Sometimes you’re in the wrong job. It’s happened to all of us, and when it does, it’s OK to move on. Make your search for a new job less grueling with a meta-search engine—Indeed and PageBites are two of the best—that will trawl the job boards for you, bringing together the best listings from Monster, CareerBuilder, and a gazillion other sites. And when you do leave, make sure you do it with class. WetFeet.com has lots of advice for finding yourself a brand-spanking new job this year without making an office full of enemies in the process.

Spend less, save more. If it were as easy as it is simple, we all wouldn’t all constantly pay the cable bill with out credit cards. As it stands, I have exactly $1,008.37 in my “emergency fund”—which almost covers half a month’s rent (Whaddaya want? I live in NYC.) But I know that personal monetary renewal can be accomplished with a dash of self-denial and a pinch of common sense, just like getting over a gambling problem, a meth addiction, or a penchant for Craigslist men's room trysts. Having kicked all those habits weeks ago, I’m working on my financial situation. It all starts with spend less, save more, but since that’s kind of vague, here are four unlikely tips.

 

Home, sweet home: If you're just renting, you won't have to thatch the roof yourselfRent until you die
The three biggest lies you’ll hear this week: “the surge is working,” “just the tip, just for a second,” and “renting is throwing away your money.” Somewhere along the line, buying a house became the most important purchase you’ll ever make and damn those of you who are too busy enjoying their limited cash to see the forest for the manicured lawn. But is home still where your heart is when it turns out to be the "worst investment ever”? Sure, the housing market is slumping, but that doesn’t mean renting is a waste. This New York Times calculator allows you to plug in your current rent, the cost of your dream home, down payment, mortgage, and taxes, and work out for yourself whether renting is better than buying,

 

Quit driving like a jackass to save a couple hundred bucks
According to the Department of Energy, your gas mileage can drop as much as 33% from aggressive highway driving. Stick to the speed limit and that’s a few hundred ducats a year. This list of ten ways to prevent road rage will save you money and possibly keep you from misguided attempts to show that jerkoff in the Hummer a lesson. (If you’re feeling extra generous, take a page from the Yom Kippur book and keep a “sorry” sign in your car at all times to help everyone else save, too.)

 

The interest rate isn't great, but it's very stable: The coffee fundChock Full o’Nuts your way to the Caribbean
Come back from the strip club with nothing but a pocket full of crumpled ones? Your significant other probably appreciates your honesty about where you were, but what she’d prefer is a romantic battery-charging getaway to make everything better. The solution? An empty coffee can. Stuffing the money left over from the night before into a grown-up piggy bank ensures it won’t be spent on a hangover breakfast or an ironic tee shirt. Mock the geriatric simplicity if you want, but my wife and I did this in the year-and-change before our wedding and socked away over $1,000 for the Grecian honeymoon. Granted, it takes more than singles, and you need the discipline to leave it be, but you’d be surprised how those random bills add up. I recommend going with a Chock full o’Nuts can for that robust coffee scent.

 

Make money just by being patriotic
You may feel like less of American for not joining the Armed Forces, but collecting all of the commemorative quarters of these here United States will at least make you feel like you’re supporting the troops somehow. 2008 wraps up with Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Alaska and Hawaii, the last five states admitted to the Union and to our lovely custom coin folder. (Not to be a homer, but my native Montana’s the quarter to beat.) As any seasoned numismatic will tell you, once coins are out of circulation, they become more valuable, so get in before the price of these rises to .38 or so. As an investor, you’ll want to keep your completed quarter set in a safety deposit box to pass down to your great-grandchildren, or until you decide to take $12.50 on a nostalgic trip to the arcade.

Two years ago this week, my little sister announced she was pregnant. I responded with Giuliani-like grace: “You’ve got to be joking—no way can you afford a baby. I mean, come on, you can barely afford your dog’s food.” Needless to say, this was not the joyful reaction my sister expected, and we didn’t speak for two months.

Apologies are all well and good, but even better was turning my guilt (did I really have to bring up dog food?) into action. As soon as my sister started speaking to me again, I became the most supportive aunt-to-be in the history of auntdom. I read pregnancy books. I helped her think up names. I even bought a Bugaboo stroller, just to make sure my nephew rode the mean streets of Hoboken in style. And now that he’s here, an absolutely gorgeous one-year old, I am, of course, the kid’s biggest fan.

It’s so easy to screw up your relationship with your family—an accidental insult, a skipped holiday—but luckily, it’s almost as easy to make things right. The river of love that connects most families runs deep: an honest apology and some heartfelt reparations, and soon enough that river is once again flowing smooth.

 

Stop fighting over shared duties: A kid in handStop battling the stepkid’s other parent over breakfasts, bedtimes, and everything in between.
Come up with a job description that you, your partner, and the other parent agree on. This way, all the adults will know what is expected and not expected of you—and you will understand what your role and goals are vis a vis the child(ren). (The clearinghouse Stepfamily inFormation offers a good example.) In the beginning of the relationship, try not to be the sole party responsible for the kid for long periods of time. Finally, accept what you can’t change: If the custody battle was acrimonious, do not try to make anything better, and do your honest best not to take sides.

 

Start visiting a family member suffering from dementia
This won’t be easy, but keep in mind that the visit will be harder on you than on your loved one, and that it can do no harm. Try to learn all you can about the disease so that you understand what your loved one is going through—the National Institute on Aging has some good information. During the visit, look for quiet, simple, repetitive activities to do together: fold the laundry, water the plants, or take a short walk together. Remember, the person might only be able to concentrate on one activity for twenty minutes or so, so stop if he or she becomes unsettled. And remember that even though your relative might not remember who you are, your kind attention and support will be an incredible comfort.

 

Breaking up is hard to do: Sometimes you need to step out of rankBreak up with your family—gently
You’re a grown-up, even if you don’t always feel like one, so it’s time to stop schlepping to Scarsdale every Sunday for family day and start building your own social network. The simplest and most effective thing you can do to cut the cord is to turn off the phone. It’s easy to forget that the phone is an intrusion into your life — one that you are under no obligation to respond to. So, if your family calls every night at dinnertime, turn off the phone during dinner. (Those of us who still use landlines can benefit from a sophisticated call-screener.) Set limits on how often you will call them back. If you currently talk every day, cut down communication to twice a week. If your family gives you static about your sudden unavailability, just explain that you’ve been surprisingly busy. Soon, the more measured level of communication will become a habit—and begin filtering through the rest of your relationship with them.

 

Pay back your parents for paying off your Visa
Even if you think you’re broke, you can afford twenty-five bucks a month; set up a monthly autopayment into your parents’ account immediately. Next, get a copy of