Make Sure Your Chairs: have armsAh, wedding season: Weekends fill up with nuptials as our friends and relatives (and maybe even a few of us) march down the aisle and get hoisted up on chairs to wave napkins and hope they don't get dropped. Weddings are beautiful and fun, but as anyone who has ever watched Bridezillas can tell you, they rarely go off without a hitch. Here are some tips for anyone who wants to avoid common Jewish wedding disasters.

1. Check Your Hebrew: If you’ll be having any Hebrew text on your invitation or program, and if you’re not really comfortable with the language, have the text proofread by someone who can catch typos, grammatical errors, and other miscommunications. I’ve seen invitations where ‘I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ became ‘My father is my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ because of a typo. And a ketubah where ‘bride’ became ‘easy girl’ because of a spelling error. Don’t trust the artist or printer to be your Hebrew language expert.
2. Read Your Ketubah: If you’re going to have a ketubah, read the translation ahead of time to make sure that you’re both okay with it. As I’ve written before, it’s kind of a bizarre document, and many couples are uncomfortable with the traditional text. This is the kind of thing you want to talk about months before the wedding, especially if you’re having a ketubah made just for you. You don’t want to hear it read at the wedding and think, “That’s not very romantic.” Be prepared.
3. Test Drive the Glass: There are few things more embarrassing than watching while a groom haplessly stomps on a napkin over and over until the crowd finally hears a satisfying crunch. If you want to use a glass, try a very thin champagne flute. Or cheat and use a light bulb. Remember to save the shattered glass so you can have it made into a mezuzah for your home.
   
4. Find Chairs With Arms: You will be hoisted into the air, and if you have arms to hold onto, you’re less likely to fall or feel unsteady. It’s also good to have some strong friends and relatives on hand.
   
5. Choose Seven Friends: The seven wedding blessings need to be said under the chuppa following the grace after the meal. You may want to give the honor of the first seven to various family members, and the second seven to good friends. Just make sure whoever you ask is comfortable reading Hebrew out loud in front of a lot of people.

Like an 8th grade slow-dance: Except no one else is dancing but you One of my favorite things about wedding planning: fantasizing about the playlist. I’m borderline tone-deaf and haven’t played an instrument since I quit piano in sixth grade, but like pretty much everyone except Vladimir Nabokov, I’m insanely susceptible to the emotional appeal of music. In this week’s New York Review of Books, Colin McGinn argues that we’re all saps in the face of a good song because music plays a big part in our sexual selection:

Musical ability is like the peacock's tail: a trait that advertises fitness and health, without directly aiding in the serious business of survival—a luxury that only the most vital can afford to possess.

In other words, we’re a musical species because music for us is a form of erotic display. McGinn spells out the implications:

Why, after all, is the love song the most popular form of music in the world? Because love songs are about the very thing that the music instinct is designed for—the selection of mates.

I don’t know how directly this conforms to my own taste in love songs, since for me the pinnacle of romance is famously-celibate Morrissey warbling about being hit by a bus with his lover. (“To die by your side/ Is such a wonderful way to die” – Darwin would be so disgusted.) But if our brains are wired to get all gushy about music, then no wonder wedding music is such a big deal that the Knot has devoted an entire section to it.

Some of the Knot’s ideas are hilariously awful. For one thing, their list of “hipster” wedding songs is straight out of modern rock radio circa 1997: Alanis Morrisette, Sarah McLachlan, Savage Garden. Also, they seem to be strongly in favor of ironic first dances, whereas I tend to believe that if you're dancing to the Monkees' “I’m a Believer" for reasons other than pure sentiment, then you aren’t ready for the lifelong commitment of marriage.

Then again, my own ideas aren’t much better. If I can’t have my celibate death-by-bus gloom-ballad, then my second choice is Ryan Adams’ “New York,” a song my fiancé and I listened to a lot when we first moved in together. But “New York” is best known as the unofficial theme song of 9/11. Romantic! And while I’ve also always been a sucker for Cat Power’s “Sea of Love,” Juno pretty much killed that one forever. My fiancé, meanwhile, seems to think our song is “Punk Rock Girl” by the Philadelphia 80’s band the Dead Milkman, which is adorable until you try to imagine dancing to it -- romantically, no less! -- in front of all your relatives.

Judaism doesn’t give you many guidelines in picking out wedding music – it’s far less helpful than the Knot in that respect. There’s really only one rule: No “Here Comes the Bride.” The wedding march from Wagner’s opera Lohengrin is verboten because Wagner was Hitler’s favorite composer and a sort of unofficial Nazi house band. It happens, by the way, that shortly after the heroine in Lohengrin marries her beloved, he leaves her and she dies of grief, so antisemitism aside, it’s a pretty lousy precedent.

Previously: DIY Weddings

Chuppah? Jewish wedding?: Is that 'Merican?I'm a writer, so I work out of my apartment. Most of the other residents of my building are 9-5ers, so I enjoy very quiet workdays. But, sometimes one of my upstairs neighbors is home during the day, too, and is so very noisy and so sometimes I turn on the television to cancel out her midday dance club or the late evening rendezvous she enjoys with her boyfriend (whom she praises during such rendezvous by first and last name).

Anyway, that's not the issue. I turned on the television for some white noise and landed on TLC. I don't remember what show made me stop on that channel, nor was I paying much attention to the programming all morning, but it was on and canceling out the noise from above, for the most part.

I make a point to take a moment and step away from my desk for lunch usually, or at least I try to most days, and as I did this, I got sucked into a show called A Wedding Story and was prompted to write a letter to the network. A Wedding Story is as the title would suggest-- the story of a couple getting the last-minute stuff together for their wedding and this particular episode was of Sarah (Christian from the US, her family is from the US) and Kamir (Muslim from the US, his family is from Morocco) who decided to have two destination weddings, one a protestant ceremony (which seemed pretty secular) and the other Muslim. During the early segment of the show, captions indicated the choice the couple made to have two weddings with the caption, "Two weddings. One Islamic. The other American."

Blink, blink. Blink.

Granted, I like to pick my battles, but this wording really bothered me because the implications were so culturally insensitive. Really, consider the implications. Is Islam a place? Is American a religion? Okay, I'm being a smart-ass, but really, this usage indicates that American is the same as Christian and, well, it isn't. With this wording, one has to assume TLC takes to position that "American wedding" excludes Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Wiccan-- and any other wedding tradition that isn't Christian? It might be, and probably is, a simple matter of semantics, an oversight maybe, but for it to air, a lot of people within the network had to see it and either not be bothered by it, not care enough to speak up or not even realize what it implied. I doubt the bride and groom saw the show prior to it airing, and so I wonder, too, what the groom thought? He probably felt marginalized at the implication that Muslim didn't qualify as American. How could he not?

So, I wrote an email to the network. It was a calm, polite email that asked for a reply in the matter, so while the network probably doesn't give a shit about my letter and will never respond, if they do, you'll be the first to hear about it.

June is almost over, but the Jewish wedding season is just getting started. I have a number of friends with weddings almost every weekend from now until Labor day. I only have to buy one blender this summer, but it seems like wedding talk is all over the place, so I thought I’d give some tips on what to expect at different kinds of weddings, and some customs to consider if you’re thinking of tying the knot sometime soon-ish. This is obviously not a comprehensive listing, just a few helpful tips. There are about a billion books about wedding planning, and even Jewish wedding planning (most notably The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant of The Red Tent fame), so I’m just going to list some things those books might overlook.

Planning

If you’re not already aware of it, ask if there’s a gemach for wedding dresses, bridesmaid dresses, mother of the bride dresses, table linens, centerpieces…you get the picture. Gemachs are basically libraries of items available for rent or even for free if someone can’t otherwise afford something. We hear about tefillin gemachs, and wedding dress gemachs, but many large communities have gemachs for everything from sheitels to chuppas. These are available to you even if you’re not Orthodox, and they can help you save tons of money, though you should be aware that if you’re looking for a sleeveless wedding dress you won’t find it at a frum gemach

You probably want to check out Calm Kallahs. When it starts to gross you out, head over to Only Simchas and set up your engagement home page. Wait for all your friends from high school to post giggly messages. Gloat.
Rock Out: With Maxwell Street Klezmer
The Week Before

My favorite wedding custom is rarely practiced by my friends, but is no less cool in my eyes. Basically, the bride and groom are forbidden from seeing or speaking to each other for a full week before the wedding. I’ve never seen a source brought to support this, the reasons seems to be simply that they’ll miss each other so much it will make the wedding that much more exciting. Though logistically I imagine it’s a nightmare, what with rehearsal dinners being something of an impossibility, it strikes me as incredibly cool. A couple of friends of mine did this before their wedding, and every night they left each other voicemail messages…it’s pretty seriously cute.

At the Wedding

You probably want a little printed out guide/program to let everyone know what’s going on. I came across an amazing one for a couple I’ve never met, Jen and Seth. It’s really funny and informative in a clever fun way. Awesome excerpt:

Now we get into the ceremony itself - finally! The marriage ceremony, while solemnizing the holy joining of man and woman into a new Jewish household, is also a business deal. As such, it must conform to three rules: (1) don't touch the merchandise before you buy it; (2) don't pay for the merchandise before you see it; (3) NEVER PAY RETAIL.

 

Jewish weddings have two parts, kiddushin (betrothal) and nissuin (marriage). These parts were historically separated by a time period up to a year long. However, since Jewish history, particularly in Europe, was never very peaceful, it became risky to have too long a time between betrothal and marriage, since the groom might end up dead in a pogrom or something in the meantime. So now the two parts are done consecutively in one day.

You may not want to copy Jen and Seth (and you should probably get their permission if you do want to copy them) but try to put together something for Aunt Ida to fan herself with while the bride is circling the groom.

At many weddings while the Bride is waiting to be veiled the groom gives a tisch, or a little sermon, to his friends and family (traditionally only the men are invited, but I’ve been to a number of coed pre-chuppa tisches in my day). The talk is accompanied by many l’chaims, and it’s customary to interrupt him as much as possible, and to constantly be lightening the mood, because it’s supposed to be such a happy day for him. A good pre-chuppa tisch is key.

At most observant weddings the groom wears a kittel, that white robe that he’s supposed to wear on the high holidays, and I know of at least one wedding where the bride wore one over her dress while they were under the chuppa. It’s a little silly looking, but I’m all for it.

Part of most Jewish weddings is the reading of the ketubah. Since the text of the ketubah is in Aramaic some people think it’s boring (I have a weird obsession with Aramaic, so I dig it, but whatev) but I encourage you to do it, and to make sure you have a woman do the public reading. Why? Because a little while back Rabbi Hershel Schacter of Yeshiva University made the following statement about whether or not it’s okay for women to read the ketubah at a wedding:

Since the whole purpose of krias hekesuba is to introduce a pause between the brachos over the two cups of wine, the longer the pause - the better! (See Beikvei Hatzohn pg. 268.)So it is a correct observation that if one only studies Even Hoezer Hilchos Kiddushin and Hilchos Nisuin there's absolutely no mention whatsoever that anything is wrong with a woman reading the kesuba. Yes, a monkey could also read the kesuba!

Monkeys, women, talking parrots, a gorilla using Aramaic sign language—they’re all fine! If that wasn’t offensive enough, Rav Shachter goes on to say that even though it’s permissible for women to read the ketuba, they shouldn’t because it’s a public thing, and such a display would be immodest. Since I’m pretty sure I’m the only person in the world who’s actually turned on by someone reading in Aramaic, I feel like I can go ahead and say Shachter is being ridiculous. I’m not attracted to girls, so we’re out of the woods. Anyway, I say have a chick with a miniskirt read your ketubah just to stick it to our monkey loving YU posek. Also, after the groom breaks the glass I am strongly in favor of tongue kissing under the chuppa.

Bring In Da Noise, Bring in Da Klezmer

We’ve already established that I have a crush on all things Sephardic, but at a Jewish wedding, there’s nothing like getting down to some seriously rockin’ klezmer music. I am slightly obsessed with the Maxwell Street Klezmer Band in Chicago, but I’m sure there’s an excellent klezmer band near you (even if you live in Denmark). Klezmershack has a nice listing of hundreds of bands that you can search by location, so you shouldn’t have trouble finding someone who’s handy with a clarinet. A lot of these bands have people they can bring in to do regular wedding songs (I’m looking to marry a man who will be totally cool with a wedding song that’s totally inappropriate. Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground, maybe? Just cause it would be hilarious), so don’t feel like you need to hire multiple bands to satisfy both Jewish and regular dancing requirements. But I really feel the klezmer part is not optional.

Mazel tov!

Go have awesome sex, already.

Sometimes the best nontraditional engagement ring isn’t a ring at all; one Indiebride poster’s fiancé proposed with a skee-ball machine. If your sweetie’s not a skee-ball champ, though, you can always go with one of the following options, or pick a design from The Carrot Box, a blog devoted to unusual rings.

1. These wooden rings are simple and environmentally friendly.

 

 

 

2. A silver ring inlaid with poured concrete—yes, concrete—is perfect for Bob-the-Builder types.

 

 

3. These acrylic cube rings from Japan put a ‘60s twist on the meta-ring concept.

 

 

 

4. Geeks who don’t mind spending a little more money can immortalize their love in binary code.

 

 

5. Some antique stones might be "blood diamonds," but at least they’re recycled. Try the lovely art deco rings at Circa1930s.

Tacky is Universal: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!Inspired by the comments of a certain anonymous poster, I thought I’d give some advice today…. on things to consider when (successfully) planning an Interfaith Wedding.

1. What Really Matters? Pick Your Battles!

A Jew planning an interfaith wedding sometimes bristles at every little detail, because they’ve been prepped for this experience to be so hard.  They go in expecting to do battle (and end up with some scars).  So the most important thing to remember is CALM DOWN!  If you can be gracious on the less religious aspects of the wedding, your partner (and his/her mom) may be surprisingly accommodating about the religious details you can’t bring yourself to concede on .  Before you begin to plan together, make a list for yourself of the things you really NEED to have, and then be ready to cave on all the other stuff.  Food and music and colors and flowers and tuxedos and cake flavors feel important when you’re fighting with your future Mother-in-law, but they might be worth swapping out for your childhood rabbi and a Hebrew benediction. If you spend some time figuring out your deal breakers in advance, and centering yourself for a smooth conversation, you’ll be less likely to end up feeling screwed.

2. Trust Me, You'll Get Your Chuppah

That said, remember that there are more Jewish cultural “extras” than there are non-Jewish ones.  So you’ll end up getting more than you think.  Once you’ve hammered out the colors and flowers and so on, you can “add in” the Chuppah and the Ketubah and the stepping-on-glass and the spinning chairs if you want.  Don’t begin by introducing these particularities of your culture. Begin with the things you BOTH think of as “wedding decisions” and then introduce the specifically Jewish details later on. Bear in mind that there are very few Christian cultural wedding traditions (tiny sandwiches, sherbet punch, and unity candles are about it unless your partner is Greek or Italian or something) so you should be gracious with those... DON'T assume that Jesus is everywhere.  If Jesus is hanging around, you'll usually know it.

3. Introduce Jewish Culture Slowly (and only after you’ve been generous)

Then, once you’ve given in on the non-religious stuff, and hammered out the decisions you need to make together, you need to teach your partner about how FUN a Jewish wedding is.  Ideally, you should get yourself invited to a good wedding, so your betrothed can see the good times up close.  But if you aren’t up for that, try renting some movies with fun Jewish wedding scenes in them (like, Wedding Crashers, not Yentl!).

4. Readings: Judaism IS the lowest common denominator

Once you’ve dealt with the secular stuff, and talked your sweetie into a Chuppah, it’s time for thinking about readings and clergy. This is the one time when the supersession of Judaism works to your advantage.  Because Song of Songs (or whatever you choose for your readings) is IN your partner’s bible. So you shouldn’t be immediately scared of using religious texts in your wedding (some people avoid it altogether). You might be surprised to discover that you get no struggle at all with your choices, especially if you pick Jewish text that’s a common part of Christian liturgy.  

5. Can You Give Up Hebrew?

It’s very very important to remember that a Jewish prayer in ENGLISH is way less intimidating for non-Jews.  If you grew up Reform, an English service might not be so hard for you to accept, but if you grew up Conservative or Orthodox, you might trouble accepting this concession. Even so, it’s worth thinking about.  Remember that your partner is giving up a lot too, and that English may be what makes an all-Jewish service palatable.

6. Find the RIGHT Rabbi

I will say now that you do NOT want to talk a rabbi into marrying you.  I’ve seen this happen over and over, and it causes a lot of tears. You want a rabbi who is happy to be marrying you. If, when you approach a rabbi, there’s tension, walk away.  You do NOT need extra stress right now.

7. This is Only the Tip of the Iceberg

The most important thing to remember, in all of this, is that your wedding is only the first big decision you’ll make with your partner (and his/her family).  Religious education for the kids, circumcision, attending a house of worship, burial plots—these are all ahead of you. So use your wedding as a proving ground for your ability to hold your own, and also to dialogue.  You  may find you are unable to give in on anything, and you may find you’re a doormat. If  this process is really really hard, you might want to see a marriage counselor before the big day.  I cannot stress enough how important it is to have these conversations now, no matter how hard they may be.  These wedding details are all going to resurface later as more important milestones and symbols.  Better to know now if your deal breakers are incompatible!  You don't want to end up sending little Moishe to the "Baptized Believers in Christ" Sunday School.

Or getting divorced.

   

You know that game ‘Two Truths and a Lie’? When I play I always cheat and make up all three stories to see which story people can’t bring themselves to believe. I’m interested in what people want to believe, which I guess is part of why I’m in a fiction writing program.
I Heart Lies: It's kind of my job...
Last night I was thinking about the ways that we lie to people, and why we do it. It occurred to me that generally, when I lie, it’s so I can tell people what I know they want to hear. This is especially true in religious settings. If I’m in a super-frum environment I automatically switch into a false persona. I play by the rules and imply that I’m always that way, which of course isn’t the case. I do it for a few reasons, I guess, but mainly because I want to be taken seriously and not preached to. If I admitted that I kiss boys and wear pants and daven in a minyan without a mechitza I would horrify everyone, and subject myself to all kinds of lectures I don’t care to listen to. (And I’m not talking about lies of omission, here. I will straight up tell people that I’m much frummer than I am.) I’m not saying it’s okay to lie in this scenario, but I do it, and don’t anticipate stopping anytime soon.

So when is it okay to lie? There are only three instances where Jewish law sanctions lying:
1) You’re supposed to lie to an ugly bride and tell her she’s beautiful even if she’s hideous.
2) If you stay with a friend, and afterwards someone asks you how well you were treated you’re allowed to lie and say it wasn’t good so that the friend won’t be inundated with guests.
3) If a prestigious Torah scholar asks if you’re familiar with a certain text or idea you’re allowed to lie and say you aren’t so that you have an opportunity to learn with the scholar even if you’ve already studied the section he or she wants to discuss.
What’s interesting about this is that in all three cases you’re lying for someone else’s benefit (the third is questionable, I admit, but definitely the first two). If telling the truth is going to cause someone to feel bad about themselves (“Your wedding dress makes you look kind of fat”) or is going to cause someone else major inconvenience (“You should stay with Rivky! She made me breakfast in bed, and threw a party for me, and makes the best brisket…”) then we’re supposed to lie. It’s pretty tempting to use this to justify all kinds of lying, under the guise of, “She’d be so hurt if she knew the truth.”

Unfortunately, lying can also be considered theft, and one of the major categories of theft is the theft of knowledge. Lying can be thought of as stealing information.

So if my little cousin asks if I’ve ever dated a non-Jew, is it stealing information if I say no? Or is it saving her (and her mother) from being all upset about how poorly I’ve turned out?