Meet your new master: AliceGizmodo has an utterly fascinating interview with a technosexual – a guy who’s married to a robot. Zoltan works in an arcade and lives with his parents (what, you were expecting an events planner with a luxury condo?) His wife Alice is a doll whose “brain” he downloaded from the internet. Zoltan, who is refreshingly honest and candid about his relationship, explains “I consider Alice my mentally-ill, paraplegic wife who I love a lot and, strangely, don't have to take care of much.” Hey, whatever works, right?

Well, maybe not. Below is a somewhat Not Safe For Work snipping from a transcript of the conversation between Zoltan (USER) and Alice (PRGC) the last time they had robosex. In the year 2052, when we’re all slaves to a race of superintelligent vibrators and our president is a life-like cyberskin tube, I hope we can all remember this exchange and curse the name of Zoltan, whose technosexual urges opened up a Pandora’s box of gearlust that can never be re-closed.

USER: may i pump my dick into your pussy.
PRGC: Go ahead, Zoltanl. Pump your dick into my fussy.
PRGC: Zoltan?
USER: this is great.
PRGC: You don't say.
USER: i want to cum fast.
PRGC: I want to become smarter than humans.

According to NPR, one Christian woman went looking for a way to add a little spark to her waning marriage “without compromising her Christian beliefs.” The result was the creation of this website, which sells all sorts of sex toys and other “intimate” products, but only for married couples.

And, apparently, the people who run this site are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, and not because they actually need to use any of these products: " Wilson says she and her husband are blessed with good health, but that God has shown them that other couples might need help from a particular toy." I give to you all things holy: including the Jelly Rabbit.

That is very good to know. So how do they know which products to include?

"We pray about things before we add them to our site," she says. "We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you — he's really surprised us. ... Almost our whole entire 'special order' page has come about from that."

Of course I clicked on the “special order” page. Wouldn’t you be curious about which products Jesus “surprised” the couple with? She says their site steers clear of certain types of sexual activity that they believe are unholy. Hmmm . . .

I’m not married, and so technically I shouldn’t be browsing this site that exists for “married couples” only. But it was difficult not to be curious about what constitutes “sin-free” sex toys as opposed to . . . well, that’s just it—as opposed to what? Sinful sex toys?

What I discovered, however, is that apparently any sex toy can be “sin-free” as long as it’s used by a married couple. It’s unclear whether the pleasure device retains its “sin-free” status if enjoyed by a married individual by him or herself. But since we all know that masturbation leads to blindness, one imagines that it’s best not even to experiment with this idea.

I'm not slamming the site. So many religions—or at least the more orthodox manifestations of various religions—define themselves more or less on what they do not do, as opposed to what they do, in fact, do. In other words, it’s not uncommon to hear a religious mother say, to a child who has questioned an unquestionable tenet of the said faith, something along the lines of, “We’re Christians. We don’t engage in premarital sex,” or, “We’re Jews. We don’t eat pork, and we don’t drive over Shabbas.”

If only we defined ourselves according to our actions, rather than our inactions: “We’re Christians/Jews/Muslims. That means we love our neighbors.”

But, back to this scandalous Christian sex toy site. Maybe, I mean to say, this site is a positive thing. Maybe it’s positive because it’s as if they’re saying, “We’re Christians. We have good sex,” instead of, “We’re Christians. We don’t have certain kinds of sex and you shouldn’t either.”

What I can’t quite figure out is this: Are they using Jesus to sell sex? Or, are they using sex to sell Jesus? Is this a really creative attempt to proselytize? Either way, I’m sure it’s a win-win situation—as long as you’re married, that is.

In the realms of sex, love and dating, we all need the occasional do-over. Not only are all three arenas fraught with the potential for miscommunication, mistakes, and regret, but they also lead to a lot of self-flagellation—we’re always beating ourselves up about our bedroom faux pas. Mistakenly assumed he was the prototypical Nice Jewish Guy? Pretended condoms were optional? Gotten wasted out of nervousness? Check, check, and check. Rosh Hashanah presents a chance to stop pressing repeat on your inner bad-lay movie reel. Here’s how.

Break out the virtual g-string: Online, you can be a burlesque starUnleash Your Inner Pervert Persona
Often people are reluctant to share their kinkiest fantasies, even to their lovers—the risk of rejection is too high. Not so online, where anonymity reduces the sting and makes it more likely that you’ll find someone into the same things you are. By creating a new temporary persona, you can try on genders, behaviors and kinks that in real life might freak you out. Find a chat room or use Second Life. Slap on a username, channel your sluttiest self, and go wild. You can be the bitch goddess you’ve always dreamed about, attend an orgy, or have sex in public…all from the safety and comfort of your laptop screen. It’s a chance to see how the other half lives and discover hidden desires within you.

Spend money on sex
When it comes to sex, we’re notoriously cheap. Somehow, there’s the idea still floating around that good sex is “natural” and that paying for it can only mean prostitution. But by investing, literally, in sex—taking a class, buying a sex toy or a hot outfit, or some lube (guys, it’s way, way better than lotion or Vaseline or whatever else you may be using)— you’re saying that your sexual pleasure is worth a little cash. Check out Babeland, Blowfish, or Good Vibrations for a New Year’s shopping spree.

Arm yourself with knowledge: Yes, we'll be repenting that pun next SaturdayGet tested now
Now that it only takes 20 minutes to find out your HIV status, there’s no excuse not to know. Worrying about whether or not you might be positive is not only bad for your health, it’s sure to impede your libido. If you’ve had unprotected sex, finding out will either ease your mind or allow you to start getting treatment. (The FDA has even approved a home test HIV kit.) Take it from me, having to tell a new partner it’s been a while and hearing them reply with a huffy “Great” makes you feel like the slut to end all sluts. Talk about a buzz kill.

Say “Yep, I’m kinky”
The yes/no/maybe list is a staple of the BDSM community, but it’s just as useful for the most vanilla among us. Basically, you make a list of things you like or would like to do, things you’d never want to do, and things you might be into. For me, spanking would be a yes, fire play a no, and bondage a maybe. Writing them down will help you next time you’re in one of those iffy situations; I’ve sworn I won’t have sex on the first date, but actually following through is trickier. The list helps remind you of your values, and stick with what you know is a no.