Let's face facts: a ton of Jews celebrate Christmas. Half of all Jews are in interfaith relationships. And many other Jews of the more "secular" flair choose Christmas because of its connection to Americanism (such was the case of Irving Berlin who wrote the song "White Christmas" despite being Jewish and an uber-Zionist to boot).

The Hasidim teach that the spark of G_d is everywhere. So is it possible that HaShem is in Christmas as well? Yes, Virginia, the G_d of Israel can be found in the dreary haze of post-Chanukah Red and Green retail.

The Jewish values of Christmas are:

Family: Jews are the world's smallest extended family. And although we may not agree on everything, we respect and celebrate each other as spiritual kin. This is the greatest theme of Christmas; people coming together as one to celebrate the end of the year, to renew family traditions, to patch up old grievances and party it up.

Giving: many families are going without this year. Holidays make us more aware of the abundance that we have and remind us of the less fortunate. There is no holiday in the Jewish lexicon that prevents someone from giving tzedakah. And by dropping a coin in the Salvation Army box, buying pre-bagged canned goods at the grocery for a hungry family or throwing an action figure in the Toys For Tots bin, one is committed to the greatest Jewish value: Tikkun Olam, repairing the world.

Reverence: while Christmas reveres the birth of a man that we do not consider holy, remember that the Torah tells us that all good people, regardless of their background, have a place in the World To Come. Reverence does not have to be culturally fixated. I revere Gandhi, but I am not a Hindu. I revere Martin Luther King, and I am not black. As for Jesus, I can revere a man who wanted to care for the sick and open Judaism up to the gentiles, even if I don't believe he was the Messiah and fear the violence against the Jews that has been committed in his name. 

So "Gut Yontif" to my fellow Jews who find themselves wiping the menorah candle wax off their table to make room for Christmas cookies. Find a way to bring HaShem into this time and take pride in this very important fact: most egg nog is OU Kosher! 

It's unusually cold and wet for an October night in Atlanta, GA. The goths are out tonight for the Little Five Points Halloween festival and their cyber-punk hairstyles are coming apart like last week's sukkah decorations under the oppressive humidity. Cute bleach blonde account-executive-types from the rich side of town are slumming it in their not-too-naughty Halloween outfits, comprised of leopard print skirts, leather thigh high boots and Josie-and-the-Pussycats-style cat ear headbands.

 

Leave it to a group of Jewish educators, activists and entrepreneurs to skip all this fun, cutting through the crowd like knives through butter to make their way to the Variety Playhouse. Why? To witness the greatness that is JDub Sephardic rock stars DeLeon.

A quick jump through the will call line and we find ourselves in a near-empty auditorium, blue and white lights shining on stage as Dan Saks embraces his electric guitar and begins to channel the spirit of Jeff Buckley and Kabalistic philosopher Moses Deleon to belt out Spanish cantorial folk-rock spun elegantly with guitar virtuosity that the World Music hippies and 20-something Jews in the audience are clamoring for.

The audience is chill. The Variety Playhouse is a seated auditorium and from the looks of it, everyone is doing their I'm-stoned-on-a-Friday-night impression. At the end of their second song, Saks softly encourages the audience to get up and dance. "Oh, shit", I think to myself, "he just pulled a major faux pas in this city. You can't tell audiences to get out of their seats. They'll murder you."

Shockingly, they got up. And danced. It was glorious. New York beat Georgia, for just one moment.

A few songs through and I feel sucked into the world that is DeLeon. Mystical Judaism and old world yearnings pour over me and I feel like my spirit is being lifted. It takes a real music genius to know how to make each person in the audience feel like they are being sung to directly. And DeLeon pull it off, magically. And as I turned around to see how the rest of the audience was doing, I noticed that our crowd of thirty had grown to over one hundred. I smiled and said a prayer of thanks to HaShem that went something like, "Lord, I'm sorry I'm breaking Shabbat to go to a concert. I appreciate you not taking it out on the indie rock band".

The band is touring as a three piece, with members rotating between minimalist percussion, quirky melodica, xylophone, and the backing tracks of a laptop providing the groove. But at the center of it all is Dan Saks: his finger picking banjo and delicately crafting guitar melodies that make the otherwise jaded Atlanta audience swoon.

I was sad when the last song, "Yodukha Rayanai" (the first track on their self-titled album), was over. But I'm crafty. My date for the evening (the lovely Jennie Rivlin Roberts from ModernTribe) and I swam through the massive crowd behind us, sneaking out the door to find the band by the merch booth. We chatted about music, Atlanta, Os Mutantes (the band DeLeon is supporting) and my upcoming trip to New York. I have to say, the band members were very nice, grounded people. And they can hold a conversation, a skill most artistic people never master.

But it was somber. As the sound of Os Mutantes came through the venue doors, I felt this weird conflict. Was I supposed to go back in, I wondered. After what I just saw, could I honestly watch Os Mutantes?

I tried. And three songs in, I bailed. It just wasn't worth it. Sometimes in an evening, you peak. You hit that moment where there's nothing else that can move you any more than what you've experienced. And doing anything other than emotionally cuddling in the afterglow of electric prayers just seems like a lie. No offense to Os Mutantes--but it is what it is. I took my DeLeon t-shirt and signed album and went home.

So thank you, DeLeon, for giving me the best Shabbat I have had in months. And I will see you soon.

Rabbi Ain is a rock star in the radical Jewish community. This guy leads one of, if not THE MOST, progressive congregations in the world. New Shul is a model for what is possible when you combine creativity, a love for the Jewish lifestyle and a community filled with spirit.

I took a deep breath and suddenly it happened: the phone rang. It was Ain.

I put on my "poker voice". As chill as I could, I picked up the phone.

"This is Patrick A, how may I help you?"

What a pussy thing to do! You know it's Ain! Don't be such a wuss.

"Patrick, this is Dan Ain from New Shul. How's it going?"

How the fuck does he think it's going? "OK, OK," I think to myself, "it's just a phone interview. You have the questions, you love this guy! Just make it happen."

We chat for a bit and then he drops a bomb on me.

"I loved your post on Jewcy.com about why you believe in G_d."

Continue reading...

Stuff (Young) Jewish People Like

-Not believing in G_d

-Liberal politics

-Ethnic food, especially of the Asian persuasion (Chinese, sushi, Indian)

-Acoustic guitar

-Any event that includes the terms "young", "single" and "professionals"

-Camp (but not camping)

-Charities that benefit marginalized people other than Jews

-For men: having sex with gentile girls

-For women: complaining about the lack of Jewish guys to date

-Emulating black people and hip hop culture

-Fearing that there will not be enough food (AKA Jewish Food Panic)

-Marijuana...and lots of it

-Self-hatred...and lots of it

-Careers in "helping" professions (education, non-profit, medicine)

-Jewish geography a la "where did you go to school", "where did your family daven"

And finally, Jewish people LOVE being Jewish...and that's the best thing we have going for ourselves.

I'm the 26 year old punk rock singer for Can!!Can, an observant Jew with three tattoos, host of PunkTorah.com and gainfully employed by an online Judaica store. 

Basically, I'm one big fucking contradiction.

On one hand, I cover my head. On the other, I daven with the Reconstructionists. I eat biblically kosher at home, but all bets are off if I'm out or at someone's house. My favorite rock stars are David Wolpe and Kurt Cobain. I'm typing this on Shabbat, but I pray from the Koren Sacks Orthodox Siddur.

And I'm single. And it sucks ass.

I've never dated a Jewish girl, but now I consider it imperative. I'm getting older, and not that I want to get married and have kids anytime soon, but I would like to know that if I did choose to knock up my beshert, I wouldn't have to deal with a church wedding and Santa Claus.

New to the whole "Jewish Singles" scene, I've put myself out there and discovered I am looking for a woman that essentially doesn't exist.

Sure, there are plenty of Gefilte-Fish-In-The-Sea, but I'm getting picky. I've boiled my soulmate to a very specific, bordering on psychotic, JDate Nazi-esque list of characteristics:

 

Age: 25-31 (I like older women but do give a 1-year exception)

Location: somewhere in the Confederacy

Tattoos: mostly Hebrew with some girlie floral stuff and possibly a chest-piece that pokes lovingly out of halter tops

Education: bachelors degree in something super practical from a pussy liberal state college

Boobs: proportional and large enough to give me hands full of fun

Musical Taste: '77 punk/garage rock, grunge, early metal, experimental in the vein of Velvet Underground/Brian Eno, early Americana and folk, lo-fi art pop

Hobbies: anything artsy, blogging, volunteering for apolitical non-profits, possibly plays the drums, visiting her kick ass grandmother who was the director of a feminist co-op in the 60's and makes really good brisket, fixing cars and other manly things, as I cannot do most "dude" stuff and really need the help

Life Goals: to start her own gender egalitarian Aleph Havurah and open a used clothing store/coffee shop

Spirituality: kicks my ass to be more observant

 

Most likely, I won't find a girl who loves the Ramones and considers shul and a trip to the Adult Superstore an awesome Shabbat experience. But that won't stop me from trying.

I recently became single. Yeah, sad, I know. But it happens.

So even though I'm looking forward to being Mr. Man On The Town during the 2009 CAN!!CAN/PunkTorah Tour, I thought it might be fun to check out JDate* and see what it is all about. Plus, Tu B'Av (Jewish Valentine's Day) is coming up, and it would be nice to not feel like a loser.

I don't know about you, but after ten minutes of being on the Golden-Calf-of-Cyber-Yentas, I can safely say that JDate is the epitome of boring ass, gaywad Jewish crap.

JDate exists in the same realm that suburban JCCs, "young professionals groups" and Temple Singles Clubs inhabit: "we're trying to be hip and edgy, but it takes gallons of fruit-flavored flourescent martinis, the latest Crackberry and shopping trips to Banana Republic to get us there."

To top it off, JDate costs a shit ton of money. Sure, it's free to get a profile. But that's like someone giving you a brand new Iphone...only without a screen. No self respecting bohemian Jew would do JDate because $40.00 to look at pictures of people you went to summer camp with is just not worth it. You can buy weed for that!

I decided that JDate needed to be hacked. I needed to see if it was possible to get around paying a billion dollars a month to talk to twenty-nine year old corporate paper pushers who enjoy jalapeno poppers at Chili's and going to the outlet mall on Sundays.

Here's what I tried:

Test #1: Simply put your email address in the profile (duh!)

Conclusion: Fail! The second you put a Yahoo, Gmail or whatever, the darn robots get ya! Try as you might with Y.A.H.OOs or gee-mail, but they'll find you out.

Test #2: Browse the photos of your Hebrew Hotties. Once you find a potential love/lust interest, you just remember what they look like and find them on the Facebook Jewster ap.

Conclusion: Moderate fail! The theory works. You can look at someone's age/location/Jewish background and use that criteria to search for them on Jewster. Problem is, Jewster just isn't that popular. I did have luck finding one girl who lives near me, but there's thousands of Jews in my area so one-out-of-a-billion is not a success ratio worth getting excited over.

Test #3: Make your profile name on the site the same as your Twitter name. Then, write your ad in all lowercase letters, except the letters that spell out the secret message "FIND ME ON TWITTER @".

Conclusion: After a few days, it looked like the JDate robots hadn't discovered my little technique. So I tried rewriting my profile and making it more obvious. Another day later, and it's still up!

I deserve some kind of award for figuring that out. If they catch me (which they will if they see this article), then I'll just find a new way.

 

*Full Disclosure: I'm not a virgin to the JDate thing. I actually asked the parent company of JDate to sponsor my band's tour. They respectfully declined and said, "maybe in the future". I think the Moshiach will come before then.

Marc Diamond is the kind of working musician that other musicians dream they could be. Not only is Marc the guitarist for the legendary garage/punk band The Dwarves, but he has also worked with internet celebrity turned sleeze-punk front woman Texas Terri, Mondo Generator* (featuring former Queens of the Stone Age bassist Nick Oliveri) and his own band MotoChrist, who are currently recording an album with Marc's "old friend" Gilby Clarke. At one point in his youth, Marc was even a roadie for Steve Jones.

And did I mention that Marc is a BIG Jew?

I figured that a rock star like Marc wouldn't want to talk to me, so I was amazed when I got this email back from him after asking for an interview:

Oy Veh! It sounds like he's gonna plotz! It would be a mitzvah! I'm sure he is a real mentsh! We must educate the goyim! Forgive my chutzpah, not to kvetsh, but in keeping with our glorious tradition of money hording and controlling the world's economy, we must talk schekels, perhaps just a bissel in my pocket, yes?

Greatest. Email. Ever.

So I called Marc up at his home in Los Angeles. And after shooting the shit for a few minutes, I got down to business by asking Marc if being Jewish has influenced his music at all.

He said no. "I formed a band to meet girls."

"Crap, there goes the whole premise for the interview," I thought to myself. I was hoping to get some kind of Steven Lee Beeber-style Heebies Jeebies at CBGBs story about how being a Jew made Marc an outsider in his WASP community and drove him to play DIY music.

Marc was honest. He wasn't trying to end world hunger. In fact, he thinks the Bono-style Rock-and-Roll-Will-Save-the-World stuff is bullshit. At fifteen, Marc started playing guitar while listening to The Rolling Stones, The Ramones and The Beatles, all for the glory of getting laid.

And Marc fell in love with it. Now, with a wife and a new baby, Marc is still going strong with the same energy he had in his pussy-seeking teen years.

Continue reading...

G-d told me to go on tour with a punk band called CAN!!CAN.

No shit, I wish I were making this up.

I'd love to wake up in the morning, eat a bagel, go to work in a cubicle Office Space style and fly under the radar for the rest of my life. But I can't. As The Blues Brothers said, "we're on a mission from G-d".

It came to me like a flash in the dark; like a warm feeling in my stomach after eating hot tomato soup on a cold day. I need to go on tour with my band. I need to sing about spirituality, G-d's love for humanity, tikkun olam, olam haba and all the things that drove me crazy-in-love with my creator.

And I needed to do it through indie punk, hipster metal and noise pop. 

So I started messaging some friends; frum-punks, hippiedox kids, tattooed Reform rejects...anyone who would listen to what I was trying to do. 

It worked out. My tour is being guided by the great people at Shemspeed, Artists4Israel, ModernTribe.com, Frumsatire.com, HeebnVegan, Bahay Shalom, Birthright Israel - Next, PresenTense...you name it! And I get to work with some awesome cats like Y-Love, Matthue Roth, Diwon, DeScribe, Stereo Sinai, Juez, Darshan and others.

The greatest thing that ever happened to me was waking up and realizing that my life was no longer about me anymore. Luckily, G-d saw it fit that the one thing I'm good at, playing in a rock band, is the thing he needed me to do the most.

I'm one lucky guy. Shalom...and I better see you guys rocking out with your cocks out!

TH Aug 13 Louisville, KY @ Derby City Espresso

F Aug 14 Louisville, KY @ Adath Jeshurun Synagogue Patrick A Dvar Torah!!

SN Aug 16 Chicago @ Empty Bottle sponsored by Birthright Israel, PresenTense, Shemspeed

M Aug 17 Indianapolis, IN @ The Vollrath

T Aug 18 Teaneck, NJ @ Shemspeed Summer Music Festival - Mexicali Live

W Aug 19 Baltimore, MD @ Sidebar

TH Aug 20 Philadelphia, PA @ Shemspeed Summer Music Festival -The Raven Lounge

F Aug 21 Providence, RI @ AS220

S Aug 22 Trenton, NJ @ Millhill Basement 

SN Aug 23 Amityville, NY @ Broadway

M Aug 24 Asbury Park, NJ @ The Saint

TH Aug 27 NYC @ Shemspeed Music Festival - The Bellhouse

F Aug 28 Hickory, NC @ Drips Coffee House 

 

www.punktorah.com

www.myspace.com/cancanband 

People don't like to think very far into the future. I understand that: I can barely think about next week, let alone a decade from now.

But if the Tribe is going to survive, we need to learn to adapt. Judaism came from a pre-modern era. Now, more than ever, we need to find creative ways to use technology to bring the Tribe into the 21st Century...kicking and screaming if we have to.

So here are five technological innovations, which I feel will greatly improve Jewish life and further the Jewish People.

Twitter Minyans: I brought this up in my last article on Judaism and Marketing. It makes no sense to me that technology and prayer have not been fused together. Most of the prayers are short enough that they will work in Twitter, and we can shorten the other ones to fit in the 150 character box.

Digital Shabbos Candles: There's nothing that requires a Shabbos candle be a physical candle (haters beware, I did look in Code of Jewish Law for this), so we can assume that a candle screen saver would work just as well for Friday night. If you want something a little more low-tech, a simple flashlight would work just as well. But remember that if you do that, you have to let the battery run out, as switching the light off is "work."

Robot Shabbos Goys: Need a Shabbos goy but don't want to bother the nice Christian family next door? In the future, we'll have robots to do that for us. Even today, modern conveniences like the Roomba by iRobot take away any pressure to work on Shabbat.

Kosher iPhone: The future is here and it's called the iPhone. iBlessing and ParveOMeter are two amazing iPhone/iTouch apps to appease the yiddishkeit desire to introduce efficiency into the Jewish lifestyle. Future apps that I would like to see include the Modeh Ani alarm clock and a call-your-mother app that sends pre-recorded voicemails to your mom, letting her know you haven't dropped out of med school (yet)!

Insta-Conversion: Utilizing the power of the Internet, we can completely re-think how new Jews are brought into the Tribe. The general requirements are a pre-interview, some kind of Judaism 101 class, Bet Din, bris, mikvah and a public ceremony. If we break this down, we find that most of this can be done quickly and efficiently, utilizing e-technology. Pre-conversion interviews between rabbi and convert can easily be done via IM or Skype. Classes can be modeled after distance learning with e-books to read and online exams. The Bet Din can be turned into a teleconference, or again, another Skype adventure. The bris (for men) and mikvah would need to be in person, but as far as I'm concerned a public ceremony could be a mass update on your Facebook/Myspace/Twitter. We could also use webcams to broadcast this event.

Stay tuned; I am sure I'll come up with more.

Jews don't seem to care as much about Judaism as they used to.

This smacked me on the head recently when I learned that a friend of mine's step-father (born to a Jewish family) recently "accepted Christ" and attends an Evangelical Christian church.

Based on history, the two best ways to destroy Jewish populations are to kill or convert. Outside of extreme Islamo-Facsist nations, we really don't have to worry too much about Holocaust Part II. 

Conversion, on the other hand, is our own damn fault, and marketing is the only way to stop it.

Marketing has a principle called the Four P's: product (what you're actually selling), price (cost), promotion (what you use to convey your ideas) and placement (where your product stands in the market). For a company or movement to be successful, it has to have the right product, at the right price, promoted and placed well in the market.

Jews are leaving the "Jewish lifestyle" for three religions: secularism/atheism, Christianity, and Buddhism. So how does Judaism fail to meet the Four P's and how have these other religions been successful? Let's compare:

PRODUCT

Atheism: you get to be just like everyone else, living for yourself and nothing more. No rules, no responsibilities, just fun!

Christianity: you get to be like everyone else, only you get to go to Heaven, too! You have to go to church on Sunday, but there's one on every corner and every flavor you like.

Buddhism: if you're introspective and want to sit on your ass and learn the nature of everything just by chilling out, then you're in!

Judaism: you get to eat a restricted diet, can't go out Friday night or shopping on Saturday, and all your rituals seem quaint and mysterious, like a cult.

Continue reading...

What does it mean to be PunkTorah? In the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck If..."

-You've seriously considered taking speed in order to stay awake on Shavuot

-You only have one-night stands with girls/guys you've met at JCC

-Your rabbi is on your Top 8 on Myspace

-You hosted a bar mitzvah for your black, lesbian neighbor's dog

-You think Whole Foods should sell organic gelt

-You got your "Never Forget" tattoo on Friday night after watching Schindler's List

-You try to match up the rhythm of the Shema with your favorite Sex Pistols song

-You love the High Holidays because you get to wear your Converse high tops to Shul

-You despise bureaucracy but will join every Jewish group on Facebook

-You feel a sense of indie street cred for knowing that Brian Chase from Yeah Yeah Yeahs is also in a band on JDub Records

-You secretly admire Chabadniks because they out-drink everyone on Purim

-You're on a never-ending-quest for a hemp yarmulke with an anarchy symbol

-Your car has "gefilte fish", Obama, and Apple stickers on the bumper

-You like going to Hillel meetings to see "how the other half lives"

-You beat the shit out of everyone at No Limit Texas Dreidel

-For the guys... if you've considered becoming a frum because their beards are "metal as balls"

-For the ladies...if you wish the local sheitel store had wigs in blue, green or fire engine red

And finally, you might be PunkTorah if you consider it a mitzvot to get rabbinical students stoned after they pass final exams, because those kids worked their asses off and deserve a nice vacation with Mary Jane.