MaNishtana Fact No. 11: I'm a big fan of Aquaman.

Not so much the costume but the character. I think he's highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential because it's easier to write him off as a third string character. But the dude is the King Arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish...Of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesn't really work so much in real life. Fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. That's why they die if you put too much food in the water: they've literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. So with a power to command fish you'd really end up getting nowhere:

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: You! Fish! Come here!

Fish: Sure!

Aquaman: Black Manta has a bomb. I need you to--

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: Yes, hi, great. Look, you're gonna have to swim down to the--

Fish: Oh wow! Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: Ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

Fish: Sure thing Aquaman!

Aquaman: Good. Now the fuse line is--

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

See? Kind of a useless power. The kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the Jewish people:

Israel: Yay! 10 plagues! You rock Moses!

Moses: Great! But let's hurry cuz Egypt is on our backs right now.

Israel: What? Why is egypt trying to kill us? Why don't you ever do anything GOOD for us Moses? We hate you!

Moses: Uh, what? Ok, nevermind. Quick into the sea that's splitting over here!

Israel: Excellent! Moses you're the best!

Moses: Um...Thank yo--

Israel: Hey you got any water?

Moses: Not...Not on me right now, n--

Israel: You suck Moses! I don't know we ever listened to you!

Moses: What the f...*ahem*...Ok look, I threw some wood into this pond here. Drink.

Israel: Dude! That's why you're the man Moses!

Moses: Are you...Are you guys really okay? Cuz it--

Israel: OMG Moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

Moses: How are you even---

Israel: Ooh! Quails!

Moses: Okay, I'm really not--

Israel: Seriously Moses, we're HUNGRY!

Moses: You can't be ser--

Israel: Ooh! Manna!

Moses: Honestly, this is just ridic--

Israel: Got any water Moses?

Moses: But you just HAD--

[Punches a rock]

Moses: HERE! Here's your water!

Israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: Heeeey Moses...Can I talk to you over here?

Moses: Sure.

Gd: Yeah...I'm gonna need you to not do that again.

Moses: No problem.

Gd: Good. Cuz, like, I will seriously kill you if you do that again.

Moses: Never happen again.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So, after Pharaoh's back and forth yo-yo game with Moses, Egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including Death of the Firstborn.  Not sure if anyone realizes, but Death of the Firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. And I say this not because of the obvious "death" part [or b/c im a firstborn myself--shout-out to all my Erev Pesach siyum heads] but because Death of the Firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[Audience applause]

Maury: Welcome back. Now this is Imhotep and Anck-su-namun. Imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son Mathayus may be child of another man.  But his wife Anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little Mathayus is his.  Let's hear your side of the story Imhotep.

Imhotep: See, I'm an overseer, right? I spent a lot of time out of the house whipping Hebrew slaves.  It's my job, y'know? I'm just tryna take of my family, so I'm out of the house a lot.  Then Moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there's nothing for the slaves to do and I'm out of a job. So I come home early and I see this Ardeth Bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

Anck-su-namun: Oh you STILL on that? It ain't even like that. You just need to care of yo responsibilities. This is YO child!

[Audience applause]

Imhotep: Whatever! Whatever! You don't KNOW me!

Maury: So Imhotep, look at little Mathayus there.

[Picture of Mathayus appears on screen]

[Audience "awww"s]

Maury: Why would anyone wanna deny that child?

Imhotep: Well, see, I THOUGHT he was my son.  But then I come home after that whole Death of the Firstborn plague, all depressed, right? And Mathayus is still alive. What the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

Anck-su-namun: Look, I don't even know why we here. I told you Horus was watching over him.

Imhotep: Please, that's that [bleep].

Maury: Well I've got the paternity test results right here and we're gonna get to the bottom of this.

[Audience applause]

Maury: Imhotep...In the case of  3 yr old Mathayus...You are NOT the father!

[Imhotep jumps up, Anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

Imhotep: I TOLD you! I TOLD you!

 

see? keeps on giving.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

I gotta tell you: Pharaoh is probably the worst person in the world to order lunch with. Or do anything with really.  So Moses comes and is like "Dude, I'm gonna hit you with blood." Pharaoh's like "bet". Moses hits him with blood. Pharaoh's all like "Whoooa, this ish is real! Make it stop and imma let your people go." Moses makes the blood go away. Pharaoh's like "Nahh, not really though."

Now take this and rinse, lather, and repeat for frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, and Jonas Brothers.  If this is how annoyingly indecisive he was with the craziest supernatural bad mojo known to man happening to him, imagine how maddening he would be to deal with for something as mundane as, oh, ordering a pizza with friends or something:

Imhotep: Yo Pharaoh, we're ordering pizza. You in?

Pharaoh: Sure. Lemme get some pineapples on my side.

Anck-su-namun: That sounds good. I'll get pineapple too.

Pharaoh: Pineapple? I want extra cheese.

Anck-su-namun: But you just said pineapple.

Pharaoh: Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Imhotep: And here we go. You always do this!

Pharaoh: Do what?

Imhotep: Every four seconds with you, you're changing your mind.  The hell, man?

Anck-su-namun: And before the food even get here lemme tell you: Yes. I want all of my food. Not some of it. I'm not gonna eat the pizza and fries and you take the soda. I am eating it all.

Pharaoh: So what do I get out of this then?

Anck-su-namun: What do you get out of not trying to get some of my food? You get me not kicking your ass. Does that work for you? Not getting your ass kicked?

Imhotep: Ok, look, let's not even get into that right now. The total is $27.85, so that's like $9.30 a person.

Pharaoh: Well I don't have anything on me right now, but if you pay for it for me, I'll promise to pay you back.

Imhotep: ...Right. Just like you promised I could borrow that Black Eye Peas album if I helped you move, right? But then I did it, and you were like you changed your mind?

Pharaoh: I don't know what you're talking about.

Imhotep: You don't know what I'm talking about.

Pharaoh: I don't know what you're talking about.

Anck-su-namun: Hey, how bout if you shut up I promise to not kick your ass, but then I kick it anyway?

Alright, step up folks, come one, come all, to the beginning of the book of the Bible most notorious for spawning horribly realized film adaptations.

Yep, you know its true.  Even DeMille's "Ten Commandments"-clearly the best of the bunch-can't seem to get it all right. [Aside, of course, from casting Vincent Price as "Nameless Egyptian Overseer Who Inaccurately Whips Joshua For Some Reason", when he would've been better served as "Abiram" to Edward G Robinson's "Dathan".]

Anyhoo, its maddening b/c the material IS ALL RIGHT THERE! All you have to do is pretty much scribble "Enter Moses, stage right" in the margins of the page and BAM!, you've got your script. But no, Hollywood always has to screw things up to add "spice" like:

1-Putting Moses in line for the throne. What? Where did you even read that? Pharoah didnt adopt Moses.  Pharoah's daughter did. In a society where inheritance lines are male oriented, how would he even be in line?

2-Not making Moses 80. Even though it clearly says that Moses was 80. [ex 7:7. Sure thats a lil bit ahead, but whatever]. Movies seem to insist on either having him be some youngish rebel [Prince of Egypt, the atrocious "Moses" mini series on ABC], or they have him be young, trip out on some shrooms while talking to the burning bush, and come down randomly old [Ten Commandments].

3-Having him be former besties with the future pharoah as a young 'un, thereby putting them in conflict when Moses comes to free his people. This is kind of an offshoot of the "he's 80″ problem. Even if Moses WAS besties with the soon-to-be pharoah, said pharoah was long gone by the time Moses came back nearly SIXTY years later.

4-Moses talks to Pharaoh. Like, the entire Burning Bush episode is about how Moses DOESN'T want to talk to Pharaoh. The entire POINT of Aaron coming along is to talk to Pharaoh FOR Moses. SO WHY DOES EVERY MOVIE HAVE MOSES TALKING TO PHARAOH WHILE AARON JUST STANDS THERE AS A PROP MAN??

5-Miriam never seems to exist. Her whole deal is the Song of the Sea and, yknow, THE WELL OF MIRIAM. Not only haveIi never seen Miriam show up for the Sea song [except for Prince of Egypt] but I've also never seen her Well.

C'mon people. Get it together.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of Genesis and Jacob says goodbye to his sons. But first, Jacob-being the excellent practical joker that he is-decides to give Joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing Joseph's sons, placing his right hand on Ephraim, the younger, and his left on Manasseh, the older. Jacob, you sir, are a riot:

Joseph: Um, Dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

Jacob: I know.

Joseph: Then why did you switch h-

Jacob: Oh, I like Ephraim more.

Joseph: You...

[Joseph has mild panic attack.]

Joseph: You LIKE Ephraim more...but...

Jacob: Actually, look in that closet over there? I've got this GREAT coat I'd think he'd like.

[Joseph starts hyperventilating.]

Joseph: But with the slavery...and the...

Jacob: No, it's cool. I just think th-BWAHAHAHA...

[Jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. Joseph faints of stress.]

Jacob: Oh gosh...I almost had it there...Whoo...If I could see the look on your face...

 

Anyhoo, after that Jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when Zordon bestows the zords and morphers on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. Jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which Esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. Joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of "Genesis" is brought to close with Joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of Egypt and back to Israel.

 

Chazak Chazak V'nitchazek

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

Previously on "Joseph: The Series"...

Joseph: No! Don't sell me!

Judah: Sell him.

*****

Jacob: My son! My son is gone!

Reuben: I TOLD you guys not to sell him!

*****

Potiphar: Welcome to Egypt, Joseph. I appoint you head of my household affairs.

*****

Potiphar: Throw him in jail!

****

Butler: Great Pharoah, while in jail I came across this Hebrew youth who could interpret dreams with startling accuracy.

Pharaoh: Then bring him forward!

*****

Pharoah: I crown you viceroy, Joseph.

*****

Jacob: Why are you sitting here? We need food! Go to Egypt and get some!

Last week on "Joseph: The Series" [Yep, I'm running this soap opera trope to the ground. Hopefully you've all recovered from last week's drinkalong], Joseph tells Pharoah's Butler to remember him. Which, of course, he doesnt. [drink].

Meanwhile, apparently Pharoah's Dealer gives him some bad stuff, leading to Pharoah having crazy dreams about sevens, cows, and grain, and thereby making Pharoah the first first person to experience the munchies as they were high. Pharoah is still flipping out on his bad trip and making everyone worried when: enter Butler's selective memory. We slip back into soap opera/fairytale mode as Joseph can correctly interpret the dream, wins Pharoah's heart, goes from rags to riches, and gets the girl.

In "meanwhile, back at the ranch"-style, we're reminded that everyone back home thinks Joseph is fairly completely dead. Also, it's famine time, during which the brothers apparently spend all their time sitting around looking at each other, which completely pisses the crap out of Jacob. [Although, to be fair, that would be fairly maddening to experience even if there weren't a famine or a dead/missing son in the equation.] Off the brothers go to Egypt where [dun!dun!dun!] Joseph awaits. In an effort to "better" them and "help them atone for selling him" [uh huh. Alright Joseph. We'll buy your story] Joseph gives his bros the royal jerk around with prison stays, spy accusations, and other tactics brought to you by McCarthy and the fine people at Guantanamo Bay. He sends them home and tells them not to come back unless they also bring their youngest brother Benjamin with them [who sat out on this little road trip].

The brothers go back home with the food, totally flip out when they see their money is right back in their bags, and tell Jacob they cant go back for more unless they bring Benjy with them. Jacob says hell no...then three stomach growls later says okay, fine. So everybody ends up back in Egypt and Joseph holds a feast for them where he catches up, laughs a little, cries a little, pops some Zoloft, and sends everybody home after hiding his cup in Benjy's bag.

When the brothers discover the cup in Benjy's bag, it's right back to Egypt [Honestly, I think Fellowship of the friggin RING did less walking back and forth than these guys] where Joseph declares that the rest of the brothers can go free...except for the cup thief. Since up until now the bros were okay with Joseph's treatment because they figured they deserved it, once Benjy starts getting flak--the only one NOT involved in the Joseph Liquidation Sale--Judah figures enough is enough, and as Joseph's servants roll out the carbonite machine, Judah steps to Joseph and--THEN IT ENDS.  RIGHT THERE!

A cliffhanger?? Really?? What, is it sweeps week up there? Trying to keep the angels at the edge of their seats? Thats like if  "The Two Towers" ended just when the Rohirrim show up at Helm's Deep!  How can you just

Ok. So maybe not everyone wants to admit that Jews run the media. But I think we can all agree that Jews definitely run Hollywood. And the reason for that is because we've been nursed on apocalyptic world ending/changing Michael Emmerich/Roland Bay adventures and outlandish, improbable Susan Lucci-esque dramas since childhood as evidenced right here, this week, when Gd creates the soap opera as we know it. No seriously.

See, I'm guessing since the Torah hadn't been given yet and all, that the angels had pretty much absolutely nothing to do with their time, and had taken to randomly running up and down metaphysical staircases sprinkled in with the occasional instance of them running up on people in the middle of the night and fighting them. So Gd's all like, "Look, y'all need to calm that ish down" and to keep their attention occupied, creates "Joseph: The Series."

How can you say this isn't some soap opera type nonsense? Think of all the convoluted extended storyline, side character stories, lost sibling, mistaken identity, sibling rivalry, secret lover, illicit affair, wrongly accused/imprisoned underdog, rags to riches, supernatural ability, knockdown drag out fist fights of anything on Days Of Our Lives and it can't hold a candle to the next few weeks we have ahead of us. In fact, let's make a drinking game out of this and take a shot for every soap-opera trope. First one to die of alcohol poisoning loses:

In this thrilling premiere episode, Joseph, the "spoiled" nearly youngest son [drink] of Jacob's most beloved dead wife [drink] who has the power of prophetic dreams [drink] is sold into slavery by his envious siblings [drink]. At first they intend to kill him, but Joseph finds an unlikely ally [drink] in Reuben who says to spare his life. Reuben then makes a big show of leaving with the secret intention of returning to rescue Joseph from the pit [drink]. The brothers sell Joseph, Reuben returns just in time to be too late [drink], the brothers deceive their father into thinking his favorite son is dead [drink], and the brothers vow never to reveal their dark family secret [drink]. Joseph ends up being bought in Egypt by Pharoah's damn near right hand man [drink], Potiphar.

Meanwhile [drink], Judah has an affair with his daughter in law [drink], gets her pregnant [drink], marries her [drink], and has twins [drink].

Returning to the main storyline in Egypt [drink], Joseph impresseses his new boss Potiphar so much that he's appointed head of the household [drink]. But Potiphar is out of the house a lot on work and doesnt have any time for his wife [drink], so Potiphar's wife waits till everyone is out of the house [drink] and tries seducing Joseph [drink] who runs out of the house so fast that he leaves behind the incriminating evidence of his robe [drink]. Joseph is then wrongfully sent to jail [drink] where he charms the warden into making him the inside boss of the prison [drink]. Whilst in prison Joseph uses his dream powers [drink] to tell Pharoah's butler and baker their fates. True to Joseph's word [drink], the baker is sentenced to death and the butler is set free.

Will the butler remember Joseph?

Find out next week!

[drink]

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

Seriously, what was Jacob thinking? When he last left Esau, the dude was trying to kill him. Then he sends his son after him to rob him. What part of either one of those things screams "HEY, LEMME LET ESAU KNOW THAT I'M COMING BACK! I'LL SEND HIM GIFTS AND PRESENTS AND SERVANTS AND EVERYTHING."

No, Jacob. Just...No.

I mean, why not just sneak back in as quietly as you left? Let's say Esau did let bygones be bygones. Why rile things up again?

Jacob: Hey Esau! I'm back!

Esau: Oh, excellent! Thanks for the cattle and gold and stuff. Wow havent seen you in like 22 years, man. Why didnt you tell me you were leaving?

Jacob: Dude, remember? You totally were trying to kill me.

Esau: What? Shut up. I was not.

Jacob: Yeh, cuz I had stole the blessing you were supposed to get from Dad--

Esau: Oh yeah. I do remember that. But hey, we were kids y'know and...

Jacob: --And besides you were like, already totally pissed that I jacked your birthright for some beans--

Esau: Right, right. that too...Actually, that was pretty--

Jacob: --And yeah, you were totally bent after you went crying to Dad to give you a blessing and then he didn't have one left so he just threw something together about fat or something like that and so...Esau? Dude, what's with the sword? And when did these 400 other dudes show up?

See? Just not a good idea. Or maybe it wasnt Jacob's fault. Maybe he had Asperberger's and so couldn't pick up on socially awkward clues. I mean, he had to have been doing something so completely outrageously insensitive that Esau's frickin' guardian angel came all the way down from Heaven to run up on Jacob in the middle of the night with the express purpose of tearing off Jacob's leg and beating him to death with it.

That's serious right there.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So does anyone else wonder why Lavan takes it so personally after Jacob just up and books?  I know I do.  I mean, did Lavan forget their first meeting? Forget the fact that Jacob had to send him a coded message which essentially translated to "anything you can do I can do better," when Jacob first shows up in Aram--fresh from having been robbed along the way and pushing a huge stone of a well--Lavan greets him...Then, as the midrash tells us, Lavan is disappointed that Jacob has no gifts and wealth with him [Remember, Lavan was around for Eliezer's "Prince Ali" routine for Rebecca] and, on a hunch that Jacob is hiding it on his person, proceeds to fondle and kiss Jacob to find the treasure...Right.  Looking for Jacob's "jewels." No kidding.

One: I've always assumed that pushing a rock off the mouth of a well was exhausting work.  Well, it's obviously more exhausting than I thought since it apparently leaves you completely powerless to defend against YOUR UNCLE SHOVING HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH. Two: No wonder Jacob got the hell outta dodge the first chance he got.  Lavan was apparently one of "those" uncles.  Y'know.  The "let's play in Uncle Touchy's Naked Basement of Shame" kinda uncles.

Excellent.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

And this week we have the parsha on the forefather with the worst PR agent in the history of the Bible. Not only does Isaac only squeeze out just one section, but his spotlight gets stolen halfway through by Jacob and Esau. I mean think about it. You say Abraham and you think, "Oh yeah, the first dude. The dude that circumcises himself. The dude in the furnace. The dude who sacrifices his kid. The dude with the three angels." Say Jacob: "Right! He was the dude with the evil twin! And the twelve kids. And the birthright trick. And the goat trick. And opened some whupass on an angel." But Isaac? "Uh...that guy who got tied to a rock...And, oh yeah, he didn't know his kid was evil."

Although to be fair, Isaac grew up in Abraham's home where he didn't really see people be shady. [Except, y'know, that whole deal where Ishmael would shoot arrows at him and call it "playing", but apparently that was completely forgotten water under the bridge.] But Rebecca was on point, because she, unlike Isaac, grew up in what was apparently Biblical Compton:

Rebecca: What're you doing over, Esau?

Esau: Yes, mother?

Rebecca: Don't gimme that "Yes Mother" bullsh*t, mother*cker. I axed you what your @ss was up to.

Esau: But why would you speak to me thusly?

Rebecca: Aight look. First, cut this Shakespeare bullsh*t. Second, I seent you n***a, aight? That ish might fly with Isaac, but don't bring that this way, na mean? I smoked tougher gangstas than you, aight? Back in my hood, you woulda been iced in a camel-by with the quickness, ya feel me?

And that's why Isaac loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob. Also, everyone talks about how Jacob was a trickster. But if Isaac grew up in vanilla-land with Abraham, where did Jacob get all tricksy from? I think Rebecca was teaching him some hard street lessons on the low, na mean? I mean, that birthright hustle he pulled on Esau?

Continue reading...

Well, after last week's virtual cornucopia of cannon fodder, we're left with fairly slim pickings this week, what with Sarah dying and Abraham buying the Cave Machpelah [haggling yet again].  But, for all those people who hate reality TV and/or Disney fairytale stories, we have the Eliezer/Isaac/Rebecca story.  Just think "The Bachelor" mixed with equal parts "Aladdin" with a dash of "Cinderella" for good measure. 

I mean, really, didn't Eliezer seriously show up at Rebecca's all Prince Ali Ababwa style?  With, like, gold noserings and bracelets, camels, quite possibly a magic carpet, fifty elephants, lions galore, bears and tigers, a brass band and more, forty fakirs and cooks and bakers and birds that warble on key?  [By the way, yes I said "gold nose ring", to all those people shaking their heads at the crazy piercings that are all the rage with the kids nowadays].  But anyways, was her family really surprised when she decided to bounce the next day?  I mean, aside from the wealth just leaking from Eliezer's eyes [and remember, he was just the servant], just the day before Rebecca was apparently the water-fetcher-girl of the household.  Agreeing to marry this mysterious "Isaac" dude was obviously a step up from her current situation.  Then again, maybe Rebecca was the passive-aggressive, femme fatale type...Now that you mention it, her dad Bethuel mysteriously dies...Rebecca is the sole overseer of the household's water supply...She doesn't stay around for the funeral....Hmm...You'd better look out, Eliezer.  Something tells me you're gonna dearly pay for that whole "give me and my camels some water" ploy...Oh look.  You've disappeared from the Bible after you bring Rebbeca to Isaac...

Kinda makes that scene where Rebecca covers her face when she sees Isaac approaching seem that much creepier, huh.

Also, Abraham stars in "How Abie Got His Groove Back," shacks up with Keturah, and has himself some more kids.  Take that, Viagra.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

Now this week's portion is full of all kinds of juicy bits.

After circumcising himself and having tea with his three visitors, Abraham's first official act as a Jew is to haggle with Gd. No seriously. Abraham tries to jew Gd out of destroying Sodom, eventually trying to weasel some redemption out of him for the low low price of ten righteous guys. Abraham fails, because, y'know, he's up against GD, and in atonement for this, Abraham's descendants are cursed to haggle with everyone they ever meet in life, ever.

Also, we are introduced to the evil that is Sodom and Gomorrah, whom the midrash takes the time to expound on the depths of their evil. Now to all you religious parents out there: Sure, you worry about what your kids see on TV and stuff, but you should really watch some of those midrashes, too. I remember me in my pre-teen years trying my darndest to convince myself how evil Sodom was when I read that they buried one of Lot's daughter's alive in a nest of ants while naked and covered in honey. Wasn't very succesful.

Tween Me: Damn those Sodomites, covering naked women in honey. That's just...that's just horrible...and, uh, evil...and stuff...Bastards...

Anyhoo, somewhere in that whole ordeal Lot gets it on with not one, but BOTH of his daughters. Fantastic. And by "fantastic", I mean "WTFFNSWTF?" ("What the f**ing f**k? No, seriously, what the f**k?")

In more child troubles, Sarah tells Abraham to kick Ishmael out because she doesn't like the cut of his jib or how he treats Isaac. Abraham says they're just kids having fun. The midrash tells us that Ishmael used to shoot arrows at Isaac. Really? Is that what you think kids do for fun?? Although, in Abraham's defense, his childhood consisted of dodging sacrifice duty, ducking armed guards from the king and playing hopscotch in burning furnaces. He probably wished someone would just shoot arrows at him.

At last, we end with the Binding of Isaac. Great stuff. A father selflessly sacrificing his son. A son eager to help his father fulfill a divine commandment. The midrash says, in fact, that Isaac asked Abraham to tie his hands so that he [Isaac] didn't inadvertently invalidate the sacrifice. Yeah, okay. I'm sure that's how that went down.

Continue reading...

Look, yeah, I get it. Abraham, Isaac, Moses--all of them were much better people morally and spiritually than we are. But sometimes, they do things and its like, "Oh yeah. He's a dude." Like this week, for instance. Sarah isn't having kids, so she offers Abraham her maidservant, Hagar. One-Sarah is an awesome wife. Two-Yeah, Abraham's definitely a guy. I mean, who's really gonna say "no" to bringing in another chick? Did Sarah even get to finish the sentence?

Sarah: Look Abe, I'm not getting you any kids, so maybe you should take Hag--

Abraham: Done.

Like, no joke. This is a dude who talks to Gd, like, ALL the time asking about stuff. Am I gonna have a son? What does my descendants future look like? Should I listen to Sarah and send my son away?

But this?

Sarah makes the proposition in one verse, and in literally the next verse Abraham says yes. Not a pause, doesn't even break a sweat. But when Gd says, say, "I want you to circumcise yourself", Abraham heads over to his giant buddies Aner, Eshkol, and Mamre to get advice. Which was probably a very interesting conversation:

Aner: He wants you to do what?

Abraham: Yeah, G-d wants me to circumcise myself.

Eshkol: Seriously?

Abraham: Yup.

Mamre: Well, it's G-d and all, so I guess you should do it...But circumcise yourself? Have you seen what happens when people cut their own hair?

So yeah, pretty selective, that sly Abraham, on what does and doesn't need a second opinion. But well played, sir, on the handmaiden scenario. This is for you.

[slow clap]

Also, apologies to Jim Gaffigan.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

"It's the end of the world as we know it, but I'm not feeling particularly fine."

Yep, in this parsha, G-d flips out Doug Ramsey style and orders the world to "Shut it down"! Of course, "shutting it down" in this case means "engulf the world in copious volumes of scalding water". Noah, his fam, and a choice few animals escape into the ark and survive the death and destruction going on outside to eventually build a new world. Crazy, right? I mean, the flood lasted for a whole year. A whole year in an ark with just your family?? Not to mention your wife [who, unless you're Ham, you're not getting any from] and a gajillion animals you've gotta feed. The midrash tells us that this one time? Noah showed up late to give the lion his food? And the lion just wilds out and slaps and/or bites him.

Well. No kidding!

I imagine that about six months in, things in the ark started turning sour a la "The Real World":

This is the true story...of 1.5 million species of animals...picked to live in an ark...survive the apocalypse together and have their lives hang in the balance...to find out what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real...

Noah: Hey lion.

Lion: Sup, man.

Noah: Things were crazy with the ostriches, but I got your...What?...What's that look for?

Lion: You know how long I've been sitting here waiting, man? Six hours.

Noah: Look, man, I'm sorry but-

Lion: Sorry? Oh you're sorry. You got me sitting up here next to these zebras all day, with no food, but you're sorry. Cuz that's really what I need to see when I'm dizzy from hunger--a bunch of black and white lines running back and forth all day long.

Noah: Well I already told you I can't do anything about the arrangement I--

Lion: Well you better do something, homey. Cuz if I hear one more thing from that damn deer over there talking about how I ate his daddy, imma--

Deer: But you did eat my pops, you--

Lion: SHUT THE [bleep] UP! IF I HEAR YOU [bleep] ABOUT THAT [bleep] ONE MORE [bleep] TIME, I SWEAR TO YHVH I'M GONNA BITE YOUR [bleep] HEAD OFF THE MOTHER[bleep] SECOND WE'RE OFF THIS BOAT--

Deer: Mother[bleep], WHAT?

Lion: WHAT? WHAT, Bambi?

Deer: BAMBI? I wish a mother[bleep] would.

Noah: Yo man, calm down! Just calm do-

Lion: Get the [BLEEP] off me you-

[Lion bites Noah]

Noah: [BLEEP]! That was my [bleep] LEG, man! [BLEEP]! What the [BLEEP] is wrong with you? [BLEEP]!

Lion: Yeah, well, I bet your @ss'll be here on time next time, won't it?

 

Craziness, right?

See, I'd rather not jump into the heavy controversial stuff my second blog in, but parshat Noach is here, and I'm here, so.... 

 "[Cham] emerged from the ark black-skinned, and all his descendants are also black forever" -The Midrash Says, copyright 1980.

Ahh, the good ol' "Hamitic myth."  Very multi-purpose, this one, capable of building bridges between Jews and Christians even, as not only was it the logic employed by European Christians in the face of slavery as justification for barbaric acts of subjugation, it is also one of the pillars behind the subversive culture of racism and condescension that lurks within the bowels of Judaism. 

For the uninitiated, the "Hamitic myth" or "Curse of Ham" is as follows: while in the ark, G-d commands that every being within refrain from marital relations with their spouses.  All comply with this command with the exception of the dog, the raven, and Ham.  The dog and raven receive punishments, and Ham, according to the most prevalent interpretations, has his skin turned black, and so all his descendants are black-skinned forever.  And so that, the story goes, is how negroes were born.  Alternatively, when Noah and family leave the ark, Noah plants a vineyard, gets plastered, and passes out, naked.  Ham happens to pass by and see naked, passed-out Noah, and commits acts [depending on the interpretation] ranging from doing up his dad, castrating him, or doing up his own mom.  Excellent.  Anyhoo, when Noah wakes up and gets caught up to speed, he curses Canaan, Ham's son, to forever be a slave to his brothers.  And that's why it's okay to make black people slaves.

Are you guys all still with me? Great.  Now pay attention.  This is where things get complicated.

Continue reading...

So here we are at the start of it all:  the beginning of this wild crazy place called 'the world as we know it'.  If anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, it's right there in black and white for everyone to see, because Adam and Eve aren't in the Garden of Eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

At any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on Adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree.  As any rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that's in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

Other sages say it was Adam's fault for not checking to see if the food Eve was offering him was "kosher."

I say they're all being too hard on Adam; guys, back me up here.  After all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances because our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman's neck.  And that's when she's fully clothed; Eve was naked.  Adam didnt stand a chance.

Adam didn't check if the food was kosher?  It's more like he didnt realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place.  Here's a dramatization:

Eve: So, i was in the garden talking to this snake, right?

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: And he was like eat this food, it'll make you like a god.  

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Anyway--are you even listening?

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Anyway, I had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but I dunno.

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: Here, you try it.

[Adam absently takes fruit, bites]

Adam: Uh huh.

Eve: See? You feel any different?

Adam: Uh huh.

G-d: Um, hey guys...whatcyha doing?

Adam: Nothin'.

G-d: Cool.  I was just...Adam, are...are you eating the ONE fruit I specifically asked you not to eat?

Adam: What? What're you--

[adam looks down at hand]

Adam:...Oh. Well, this isn't good.  This isn't good at all.

G-d: So, like, can I get an explanation?

Adam: I--I just--and she--her--with the boobs, and the, and the...the boobs?

G-d: OK...so I'm just gonna' ask Eve, OK? OK.  

 

See?  He had no chance.

I am always amazed when a something in life matches up so perfectly with a something in a parsha and I can't help but note a striking, sometimes eerie, similarity. Today, I heard about a truly horrifying tragedy and was simultaneously sad to hear it, in awe of how to human body can turn on itself, and heartened to see chesed in action, in the most dire of moments, especially from the person at the center of the issue.

As we take a look at the parsha this week, we see Sarah Imeinu, and just as we meet up with her again, at the end of her very long life, she dies. And, we are led to believe Sarah's life was described as a very good one. For years that seemed off to me. Good? Sure, there was a grand share of mostly positive action on her part, but still, she faced long journeys, famine, kidnapping, infertility, fear of Ishmael trying to corrupt her son, then having to banish Ishmael... um, seems like a lot. So, the reference to Sarah's life being a good one, well, it didn't make sense to me for a long time.

But, the older I get, the more things I learn the hard way, and the more people I come to know with a marvelously good outlook, the more I think I overlooked a very obvious possibility. Maybe Sarah did have a good life because of the way she opted to look at life...?

All in how you look at it: Sometimes, stunning things happen when you least expect.

A woman I first met when I worked with her over a decade ago has really had more than her share of heartache. In the span of about eight months, her teenage son was murdered, she found his body, her daughter sustained severe head injuries in a car accident and required permanent care, her home was robbed of almost everything and her insurance company kind of gave her the runaround, then her husband was injured and went on disability, then her father died, then her best friend died. I'm not making that up.

I spoke with her often during those times to see how she was managing. She cried often, of course, and she talked about grieving and learning a lesson about overall happiness. Come again? A lesson about overall happiness in the face of all that? But she did. She said to me one day that the distinction that became clear to her was that she no longer looked at her life in terms of positive times versus negative times, but instead took her entire life for what is was, moment by moment, and didn't bother to categorize it or label any of it-- she took moments of grief for what they were, not trying to stifle them, not trying to look on the bright side, she'd just accept them as they came and "grieve hard, cry it out and get down to the bottom" in the moments, and (and this, she said was key) in doing so, in telling herself to "grieve hard, cry it out and get down to the bottom" the other side of the moment was implied. And, with an implied better moment ahead, she felt she had more space to live in feelings as they arose while also reassuring herself of a safety, a balance, an order, even when everything was uncertain. And, and, and, odd as that might seem at first, I suppose what it really boiled down to was maintaining a sense of something that fell between hope and balance. "Please! Not talking would be way worse! I refuse to let conversations become uncomfortable!" she'd say when potentially painful topics popped up and were facing being tip-toed around, and moved forward in these conversations with a wonderful sense of emotional clarity.

We're only human, of course, and often it's easier to ignore the painful things in life and immerse ourselves in denial in order to cope, sometimes even focusing on the "bright side" at the expense of processing the thoughts and feelings surrounding the upset. But she just faced things as they came, sat in the moment and whatever emotion it brought about, and experienced it so fully that she was able to process her emotions and thoughts clearly and completely and honestly, and therefore, was able to see both the painful and the delightful and appreciate and be in awe of both.

 

I will admit to being obnoxiously addicted to my iPod. During the school year it’s not unusual for me to listen to it for four or more hours a day, and while a significant portion of that time is spent listening to music, I’m also a huge fan of the podcast. News podcasts, music podcasts, and cool radio shows like This American Life keep me company when I ride my bike to campus. One of my favorite things to listen to on my iPod (aside from Lip Gloss by Lil' Mama on repeat—thanks Annie!) is the awesome selection of Jewish learning podcasts. I am not even close to being able to keep up with learning a page of Talmud a day, but I’m a big fan of the two Daf Yomi podcasts available for free on iTunes (I can’t link to them, but just type “daf yomi” into the search window). You can subscribe to a weekly parsha podcast (I recommend the Pardes one—search for “Pardes”), do some meditation (search for “Jewish meditation”) or get Jewish book recommendations (via the Nextbook podcast. I actually had to unsubscribe from Nextbook because I was buying every book they recommended, and it was leaving me poor, if well-read). If you don’t have an iPod yet, but you’re thinking of getting one, you could shell out some cash for an iPod that already has the complete cycle of Daf Yomi uploaded onto it. For about $300 shaspod will send you an iPod that’s so frum it practically needs its own kipah.
My iPod Is So Frum: sometimes it looks at me and tells me to go put something more appopropriate on if I want to leave the house
If learning isn’t your thing, but you’re committed to davening, you can get yourself iDaven for about twenty bucks. The iDaven website brags:

With iDaven, there's no need to carry a spare Siddur with you for those Mincha moments – just open your iPod and pray! No need to search your purse for a bentcher – you've got your iPod! Sitting in the plane, Tefilat HaDerech is a breeze - read it on your iPod!

iDaven makes a great gift for the iPod fan in your family –it's simple, easy, and so cool!

iDaven features clear, razor-sharp Hebrew text with vowels on a white background. Each page of Hebrew text is a picture. Copy the pictures to your computer, synchronize with your iPod, and you're set!

I think that “so cool” might be something of an exaggeration, but it is kinda nifty.

Looking for something a little less yeshivish? The community where I’m learning this summer is offering free recordings of the classes online. We’ve got everything from an analytic look at various prayers to Biblical criticism to a look at what Maimonides said about business dealings with non-Jews (hint: it’s not good). Though the classes aren’t yet in podcast form, you can still listen from your computer while you fold laundry, cook dinner, or surf the web. You have to create an account in order to listen, but it’s worth it, and Hadar promises not to slam you with spam. Sign up and start learning by clicking here.

 

There’s no longer an excuse for slacking. Some of these podcasts are shorter than one express stop on the subway. If you sandwich it between the Jackson 5 and Amy Winehouse you’ll hardly feel a thing…

Last week, both Elisa and myself heatedly posted on the Cindy Chupack NT Times op-ed about her love affair with Christmas and embracing different cultures when it suits her material needs. This week, Rabbi Yisroel Gordon attempts to explain what has become coined The Pottery Barn Jew through his interpretation of the parsha.

Why is American Jewry so shallow? Why is their connection to their heritage so tenuous? The answer can be found in this week’s parsha.

Yaakov is old now, but he is journeying to Egypt to see his long lost son Yosef before he dies. On the road out of Israel, Yaakov receives a prophecy.

I am G-d, the Lord of your father. Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt for I will make you a great nation there.

Presumably, G-d would only tell someone not to be afraid if they were. What was Yaakov afraid of? Egypt’s a great country! It’s got exotic restaurants, tourist attractions, boating on the Nile… and Yosef runs the place! What could be bad?

The answer is that these are precisely the things that make Yaakov nervous. Yaakov is afraid of assimilation. And he was right – the Jews very nearly lost their identity during their stay in Egypt. This is why G-d came to Yaakov, to reassure him that his descendants would not vanish in the Egyptian melting pot. (R. Yaakov Kaminetzky, d. 1986)

In summary:

This week’s parsha illustrates the traditional Jewish plan for survival in exile. It starts with a healthy fear of assimilation, followed by the early creation of Torah schools and clearly defined Jewish communities. This was obviously not the model for Jewish immigration to the United States and now we suffer the consequences.

Today our brothers and sisters joyously embrace the religions of America, whether it be Christianity, Secularism, Materialistic Consumerism or some bizarre combination of the three. They are lost to our people and don’t even know it yet. But don’t blame them or the Pottery Barn catalogue. Blame the grandparents who came to these shores without fear.

As the Sabbath is upon us, you can catch up on this week's parsha, in over-simplified, raunchy toon form at The Comic Torah.

And for a sneak peak interpretation:

Joseph's brothers did not sell him into slavery. Judah suggested it, but no one agreed. The bros, violent knuckleheads that they were, threw Joseph down a dry well, then ate lunch. Can you blame them? Between his pompous dreams and Jacob's favoritism, we'd have hated Joseph too! This parsha also tells another story. In it Judah thinks he's sleeping with a prostitute, but is really boinking (and impregnating) his daughter-in-law, Tamar.

Since today is the first Friday of Faithhacker's short life, I thought I'd start a tradition. I thought I'd make a point of talking a little bit about the chunk of text being read this week in synagogues all over the world.

That's right, it's called the Torah portion, or parsha, and there are 54 of them.  One for each week of the Jewish year (more or less).  Each year, we read through the cycle (rapidly) Saturday by Saturday, and we talk a bit about the lessons we can glean from that week's selection.  Except...

Except that there's a lot we rarely get around to discussing.  We tend to fixate on (for instance) David's defeat of Goliath, and not so much on the fact that he may have been enjoying the pleasures of his own biblical flesh with Jonathan, or that he cut the foreskins from hundreds of Philistine penises (in fact, more than he "had to").  Which is interesting, right?

 So I thought I'd link a summary of the weekly read each Friday, and pull out a selection to post, and then maybe ruminate a bit myself... but I also ask that you, my devoted Faithhackees, write in and tell me what you think is funny or weird or inspiring or surprising about the reading.

This week we're reading a section called Lech-Lecha (a huge and wide-ranging portion) , and I'm going to offer up this little tidbit, which is timely and important, for obvious reasons. 

What do we think?  Wild ass of a man? Despised?  Can anyone help us out here?  Hebrew-speaking types?

א  וְשָׂרַי אֵשֶׁת אַבְרָם, לֹא יָלְדָה לוֹ; וְלָהּ שִׁפְחָה מִצְרִית, וּשְׁמָהּ הָגָר.	1 Now Sarai Abram's wife bore him no children; and she had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.
ב  וַתֹּאמֶר שָׂרַי אֶל-אַבְרָם, הִנֵּה-נָא עֲצָרַנִי יְהוָה מִלֶּדֶת--בֹּא-נָא אֶל-שִׁפְחָתִי, אוּלַי אִבָּנֶה מִמֶּנָּה; וַיִּשְׁמַע אַבְרָם, לְקוֹל שָׂרָי.	2 And Sarai said unto Abram: 'Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing; go in, I pray thee, unto my handmaid; it may be that I shall be builded up through her.' And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.
ג  וַתִּקַּח שָׂרַי אֵשֶׁת-אַבְרָם, אֶת-הָגָר הַמִּצְרִית שִׁפְחָתָהּ, מִקֵּץ עֶשֶׂר שָׁנִים, לְשֶׁבֶת אַבְרָם בְּאֶרֶץ כְּנָעַן; וַתִּתֵּן אֹתָהּ לְאַבְרָם אִישָׁהּ, לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה.	3 And Sarai Abram's wife took Hagar the Egyptian, her handmaid, after Abram had dwelt ten years in the land of Canaan, and gave her to Abram her husband to be his wife.
ד  וַיָּבֹא אֶל-הָגָר, וַתַּהַר; וַתֵּרֶא כִּי הָרָתָה, וַתֵּקַל גְּבִרְתָּהּ בְּעֵינֶיהָ.	4 And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived; and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.
ה  וַתֹּאמֶר שָׂרַי אֶל-אַבְרָם, חֲמָסִי עָלֶיךָ--אָנֹכִי נָתַתִּי שִׁפְחָתִי בְּחֵיקֶךָ, וַתֵּרֶא כִּי הָרָתָה וָאֵקַל בְּעֵינֶיהָ; יִשְׁפֹּט יְהוָה, בֵּינִי וּבֵינֶיךָ.	5 And Sarai said unto Abram: 'My wrong be upon thee: I gave my handmaid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.'
ו  וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָם אֶל-שָׂרַי, הִנֵּה שִׁפְחָתֵךְ בְּיָדֵךְ--עֲשִׂי-לָהּ, הַטּוֹב בְּעֵינָיִךְ; וַתְּעַנֶּהָ שָׂרַי, וַתִּבְרַח מִפָּנֶיהָ.	6 But Abram said unto Sarai: 'Behold, thy maid is in thy hand; do to her that which is good in thine eyes.' And Sarai dealt harshly with her, and she fled from her face.
ז  וַיִּמְצָאָהּ מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, עַל-עֵין הַמַּיִם--בַּמִּדְבָּר:  עַל-הָעַיִן, בְּדֶרֶךְ שׁוּר.	7 And the angel of the LORD found her by a fountain of water in the wilderness, by the fountain in the way to Shur.
ח  וַיֹּאמַר, הָגָר שִׁפְחַת שָׂרַי אֵי-מִזֶּה בָאת--וְאָנָה תֵלֵכִי; וַתֹּאמֶר--מִפְּנֵי שָׂרַי גְּבִרְתִּי, אָנֹכִי בֹּרַחַת.	8 And he said: 'Hagar, Sarai's handmaid, whence camest thou? and whither goest thou?' And she said: 'I flee from the face of my mistress Sarai.'
ט  וַיֹּאמֶר לָהּ מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, שׁוּבִי אֶל-גְּבִרְתֵּךְ, וְהִתְעַנִּי, תַּחַת יָדֶיהָ.	9 And the angel of the LORD said unto her: 'Return to thy mistress, and submit thyself under her hands.'
י  וַיֹּאמֶר לָהּ מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, הַרְבָּה אַרְבֶּה אֶת-זַרְעֵךְ, וְלֹא יִסָּפֵר, מֵרֹב.	10 And the angel of the LORD said unto her: 'I will greatly multiply thy seed, that it shall not be numbered for multitude.
יא  וַיֹּאמֶר לָהּ מַלְאַךְ יְהוָה, הִנָּךְ הָרָה וְיֹלַדְתְּ בֵּן, וְקָרָאת שְׁמוֹ יִשְׁמָעֵאל, כִּי-שָׁמַע יְהוָה אֶל-עָנְיֵךְ.	11 And the angel of the LORD said unto her: 'Behold, thou art with child, and shalt bear a son; and thou shalt call his name Ishmael, because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.
יב  וְהוּא יִהְיֶה, פֶּרֶא אָדָם--יָדוֹ בַכֹּל, וְיַד כֹּל בּוֹ; וְעַל-פְּנֵי כָל-אֶחָיו, יִשְׁכֹּן.	12 And he shall be a wild ass of a man: his hand shall be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the face of all his brethren.'
יג  וַתִּקְרָא שֵׁם-יְהוָה הַדֹּבֵר אֵלֶיהָ, אַתָּה אֵל רֳאִי:  כִּי אָמְרָה, הֲגַם הֲלֹם רָאִיתִי--אַחֲרֵי רֹאִי.	13 And she called the name of the LORD that spoke unto her, Thou art a God of seeing; for she said: 'Have I even here seen Him that seeth Me?'
יד  עַל-כֵּן קָרָא לַבְּאֵר, בְּאֵר לַחַי רֹאִי--הִנֵּה בֵין-קָדֵשׁ, וּבֵין בָּרֶד.	14 Wherefore the well was called 'Beer-lahai-roi; behold, it is between Kadesh and Bered.
טו  וַתֵּלֶד הָגָר לְאַבְרָם, בֵּן; וַיִּקְרָא אַבְרָם שֶׁם-בְּנוֹ אֲשֶׁר-יָלְדָה הָגָר, יִשְׁמָעֵאל.	15 And Hagar bore Abram a son; and Abram called the name of his son, whom Hagar bore, Ishmael.
טז  וְאַבְרָם, בֶּן-שְׁמֹנִים שָׁנָה וְשֵׁשׁ שָׁנִים, בְּלֶדֶת-הָגָר אֶת-יִשְׁמָעֵאל, לְאַבְרָם.  {ס}	16 And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bore Ishmael to Abram. {S}