Previously: Vocab for the Newbie

Good company: An anti-Israel protester alongside a 9/11 Truthie During Israel Apartheid Week, you might encounter someone looking to challenge your views. You won't have time to "read books" or come to your own conclusions—but anyone who questions your prejudices and preconceptions is probably a brainwashed Zionist, anyway, and beyond help.

Still, if you love peace so much that you can stomach the presence of someone who disagrees with your politics, don't forget to bludgeon them with some of our catchy propaganda. Here are a few examples of how to gracefully dispatch some of the Zionists' outrageous claims. I suggest making a little cheat sheet or writing prompts on your palms.

• If a Zionist pig tells you that Israel is a liberal democracy with laws against the racial degradation and segregation that defines apartheid, just smile beatifically and say, "It's even worse than Apartheid! Did tanks ever roll through Soweto?" Then show them your poster that says "Israel is an Apartheid state." They won't even be able to respond!

• If some nervy neo-con uses the term "Islamofascist," or any derivation thereof, simply say: "Bush lied, kids died--no blood for oil!" Make sure your "Impeach Bush" socks are visible.
  

• If a terrifying Evangelical Israel-lover tells you that the term 'Israeli Apartheid' is often used as code to justify anti-Semitism and terror against Jewish people, just point at your "Israel sucks" T-shirt. No need to say a word.

• If a crazed Bush-loving imperialist mentions that years ago only Israel had metal detectors and extra security at its airports and embassies, but now just about everyone does because terrorist violence has disrupted civil society, show them your Che bag and say: "Viva la revolucion!" Che was so cool!

• If a Zionist agent describes the claims of Israeli Apartheid Week as propaganda, malevolent lies, misleading slander, or anything along those lines, simply call them a "racist Islamophobe" and spit on their shoe. Then run!

After all you've done, if your opponent still won't see the light and hop on the bandwagon, then they're emotional or irrational and just can't be reasoned with. So congratulate yourself on making a brave effort, and move on with the rest of the revolutionary herd!

Previously: Dress to Profess

Signs of the times: These posters are classic Now that you're dressed for Israel Apartheid Week, (and looking totally killer, might I add), you need to learn the lingo. Luckily for you, Jewcy's handy phrase-book for freedom fighters will have you ready to chime in and participate in the groupthink. But remember: it's not so much what you say as how you say it. So long as you can shout these words, it doesn't even matter what they mean!

• Palestinian Refugee: Anyone who lived in or is descended from someone who lived in the region known as Palestine for a minimum of two years before 1948. Victims of oppression who have an innate and exclusive right to this land that they called home for at least 24 months.

• Islamophobe: Anyone who questions you.
  

• Zionism: A nationalist movement, different from other nationalist movements because this one is for Jews. Responsible for pretty much everything wrong in any Arab country. See also: fascism, evil.
  

• Israeli Apartheid: No different from South African apartheid, except that Palestinians in Israel enjoy the same legal rights as all other citizens. If not for Israeli apartheid, Palestinians would enjoy a flourishing economy, thriving educational system, and awesome sewers.

• Palicaust: Genocide and ethnic cleansing against the Palestinians. Unique in genocides in that it actually increased their population in the West Bank, Gaza, Jerusalem, and worldwide.
  

• Occupied Territories; Occupied Palestine: Anywhere a Zionist or Jew goes.

• Expansionism: The term for Jews returning to Israel. Started in the Middle Ages. Explains why Jews were in the majority in West Palestine in the 1800's. When Israel withdraws from Arab land (such as Gaza or the Sinai), this proves they have an insidious expansionist agenda.

If you're attending a picket or protest, bring along a poster or sign. WikiHow has a super helpful tutorial on making bubble letters. Here are some phrases that look great on poster board:

• Bush Lied
• Free Palestine
• No Blood for Oil
• Occupation is Terrorism
• Jews Run the Diamond Industry

Next: Snappy Answers to Complicated Questions

They can be hilarious, vulgar, sometimes inconceivable but always carrying a sub-textual message as revealing, often more so, than the message itself.

Viral emails – missives containing salaciously alluring information or images that practically force recipients to forward copies along to their acquaintances – very often derive their epidemiological power (that need they inspire to infect others) by exploiting shared fears, vulnerabilities, or desires in the human mind. Sometimes those fears are shared universally – a very, very viral email – while most of the time the message is tailored to exploit the fears and desires of a particular group or community.

Which brings us to one particular ethnic variant of the viral email, the Jewish viral email. Most of the time, they’re an expression of the community's lowest common denominator, and invariably, fall into one of three categories:

1) This or that person or organization is secretly (or openly!) trying to destroy the Jews!

2) Holy shit we're awesome! Did you know 99% of all Nobel prize winners are Jewish, or that so-and-so celebrity's half brother's mom is a full-blooded yid?!?!?

3) Some crude, often funny, joke insinuating that all gentiles are morons, or, when it comes to Muslims, that they're all vicious animals.

These are the cloacal evils lurking in the deepest, darkest recesses of our collective bowels, flushed out by a cyber-enema of dashed off emails. Each episode of this form of communal colonic is fraught with meaning, revealing the fin-de-millennium anxieties on the forefront of our minds.

Basically, they are great fodder for conversation. So send us your virals! Send us them as you get them and we'll highlight the best of them here weekly. Simply forward them to info@jewcy.com.

This week, I received this impolitic forward from a fellow who, how shall I say it, leans to the right. Its subject line is entitled “Muslim Pussy….”

When you scroll down, you’re hit with this image: