The nominations for the Philo-Semite 50 keep pouring over the transom, and the Sanhedrin is compiling the list. But I'll post some particularly interesting nominations as they come in. I suggested last week that readers stop proposing both Jon Voight and Rashid Khalidi (two great tastes that taste great together) for admission. I should have included Madonna on that list, though Goldblog reader Mitch Ginsburg made the case: "I know she's not exactly the second coming of the Ari, but she's nothing if not devoted to Kabbalah."

Yeah, no.

Monica Osborne, a smarty-pants Jewish-American literature expert at UCLA wrote in to say, "Well, of course, Maurice Blanchot should be on this list! (French philosopher, close friend of Jewish-French philosopher Emmanuel Levinas; Blanchot said that 'Judaism is an essential modality of all that is human.')" She described him as her "favorite wanna-be Jew of all time." I'll feed Blanchot's name into the Philo-Semite UNIVAC as well.

Reader D. Shapiro wrote to say, "If you're placing Truman that high up, I sure hope you include the original King Cyrus (who, come to think of it, could teach Ahmadinejad a thing or two about how to get along with us)." Shapiro also nominates Denis Leary:

Madonna was at a troubled moment in her life. She was in a period of transition, fear, and mystery, and needed a place that felt like home. Thankfully, she found refuge in a place of worship -- a place where she had a man to take care of her, and where she could experiment with her music.

Surprisingly, we are not talking about the Like a Prayer video.

As it turns out, once upon a time, before the kind of raunchy, pseudo religious music videos, and before all that Kabbalah stuff, Madonna was merely a dancer with aspirations of breaking into the music biz, and was living in the basement of a synagogue in Queens.

This week, The Daily Beast broke the story of a lost Madonna tape, recorded in said basement, where you can hear Madonna’s first song, and some pillow talk between her and her now ex-boyfriend, Dan Gilroy. You can listen to the tape bellow, with present-tense interjections by her Madgesty about her life, religion, and the Talmud.

The professional Jews and rabbis are at it again.The future former Mrs. Ritchie

In the Israeli press and across American cable television, bearded Jewish academics and keypaued scholars have savaged Madonna's continuing foray into Jewish mysticism. In fact, popular culture - especially within the columns of snarky entertainment guides and the opening minutes of paranormal documentaries - has conflated the words Kabbalah and Madonna. For bespectacled Jews in book-lined offices, this was produced anger and derision.

What fueled their apoplectic jeroboams a few years ago was Madonna's CD, Confessions on a Dance Floor, which included "Isaac," a song devoted to the sixteenth-century kabbalist Rabbi Itzhak Luria.

Rabbi Rafael Cohen of Safed warned that "divine retribution" may follow from such an abomination. "Jewish law forbids the use of the name of the holy rabbi for profit," he explained. Another guardian of holy Jewish ethics, Rabbi Israel Deri told Maariv that Madonna "brings great sin on the Kabbalah."

American-Jewish commentators have expressed similar - if slightly less menacing - admonitions against Madonna's Practical Kabbalistic beliefs. Others have issued sardonic blogs against the Material Girl's Pop Kabbalah adviser, Rabbi Philip Berg, and her Hollywood co-cultists, Brittany Spears, Demi Moore, Rosanne, and Sandra Bernhard.

The logic of the Jewish fundamentalists has been consistent since Madonna first donned tefillin in 1988 and joined Berg's World Centre for Kabbalah. After all, Jewish religious authorities have reiterated the standard rules for kabbalistic study: adherents must be:

1) authentically Jewish
2) male
3) over forty and married
4) educated in traditional Jewish law and Biblical exegesis
5) fluent in the ancient languages of Jewish mystical texts
6) working under the supervision of a recognized kabbalistic master or vunderrebbe.

According to the rabbis, Madonna fulfills none of these basic requirements. Therefore, her public embrace of Kabbalah is invalid, sacrilegious, cultish, or patently ridiculous. It is nothing less than an ersatz and vulgar New Age theft from a pure and non-commercial religious past.

Little do the protectors of Prophetic Judaism know that Madonna and Berg's notion of Kabbalah is older and was more widely observed than their restrictive versions. The most illustrious rabbinical authority, Rashi, who lived during the time of the First Crusade, issued few proclamations that separated female from male prayer in his devotional rites. Rashi's daughter wrapped tellifin around her left arm and forehead just as the master's male students did.

After the expulsion of Jews from Iberia in the 1490s, kabbalistic scholars found willing and enthusiastic patrons in Christian Italy and France. Aristocratic Gentiles funded the Spanish Jews' esoteric activities and learned Practical Kabbalah from them. Ecstatic prayer, ritual crying, the blending of perfumes from "Adamic scents," magical recitations from sacred Hebraic-Aramaic texts ("Abracadabra"), and the occult transposition of letters and numbers (gematria) quickly leaked into the popular Gentile imagination. Modern astrology, palmistry, phrenology, and other forms of fortune telling were soon associated with Jewish wisdom and symbology.

In 1532, Giulio Camillo, an Italian contemporary of Leonardo and Nostradamus, built a 49-stage Memory Theatre for François I in Paris. It utilized 180 archetypal images from the Sefar Yeseriah and The Zohar, the two most revered books from the Spanish kabbalistic canon. Erasmus' disciple, Gilberto Cousino, was especially taken with the image of the naked Girl Whose Hair Points to the Sun. He called Camillo's Kabbalistic Project, "the Eighth Wonder of the World."

For centuries, both Christian peasants and intellectuals relied on Renaissance Jewish mystical techniques and teachings for spiritual uplift. These offered a supplement or reinterpretation to their more conventional religious instruction. From Vilna to Jassy, itinerant Jewish Kabbalists hawked amulets against the evil eye, magic potions that transformed enemies into friends, and Zoharistic spells, accompanied with supernatural gestures (where twisted fingers formed Hebrew letters). Many a Jewish boy preferred the traveling life of the kabbalistic mendicant to the musty and claustrophobic backrooms of the shul. This was a Jewish cottage industry that lasted well into the nineteenth century.

Edicts against this commercial form of Jewish mysticism were wide spread and draconian but largely ineffective. The rabbis and Czarist police could suppress and delimit the belief in Practical Kabbalah but not destroy it. Its roots in the popular European imagination were far too seductive and historically deep.

In a way, Berg and Madonna have merely resurrected a 500 year-old tradition - a legitimate Jewish-Gentile tradition that predates the contemporary rabbis' statutes by many hundreds of years.

Practical Kabbalah

Kabbalah is a Hebrew word that is usually defined as "received wisdom" and refers to the secret Gnostic teachings passed down by rabbis from the beginnings of the Jewish Diaspora. In Muslim and Christian Spain during the fourteenth century, Jewish mystical writers began to formalize kabbalist texts and magical ceremonies into a more coherent system of belief. For over two hundred years, they sought to uncover cryptic and existential meanings buried within the Torah and to make contact with the Ain-Sof (The Creator, or That Which Has No End).

Normally kabbalistic regimen involved two methodologies: kabbalah iyunit, or "Contemplative Kabbalah," which parsed the Great Mysteries through intellectual and meditative techniques, and kabbalah ma'asit, or "Practical Kabbalah," which sought to influence or alter reality through ritual means.

When the bulk of the Jewish population was expelled from Spain in 1492, after decades of forced conversions and public executions, Jewish theologians had to explicate why God had once again forsaken His People. At first, Divine Punishment could be explained in only two ways: either the Jews had brought this catastrophe upon themselves through improper behavior or the Holy One was indifferent to Jewish suffering. The Kabbalists offered a third possibility: the Ain-Sof was not omniscient, even weak, and had gone into hiding - like the Marannos themselves. The Sacred Name needed ten days to perfect Creation but only took six. It was, therefore, the duty of the Jews to assist God through tikkun haolam (repair of the world) and kabbalistic pursuits.

Practical Kabbalah gave form and significance to newly invented Jewish rituals. To a large degree, it was antinomian and opposed traditional clerical points of view and control. Practical Kabbalah adapted many classical Greek, pagan, Muslim, and Catholic concepts - like the Virgin Mary as the Perfect Woman, or Shekinah, who intercedes for the Jewish people in heaven, and who appears exactly at midnight each Friday night during conjugal intercourse.

Much of what we know about popular kabbalist activities comes from obscure Jewish chapbooks and little-known memoirs. A typical example is Chaim Aronson's autobiography. In his picturesque life story, penned in Hebrew, Aronson describes his apprenticeship during the 1830s in Vilna with Eliezer the Kabbalist. Runaway yeshiva-bukhers like Aronson were taught the Hebraic arts of amulet-making, recitation of spells and curses, even the evocation of Noah's Flood (through the manipulation of splinters and threads from antique coffins and shrouds). According to Aronson, Eliezer could conjure up whole meals through kabbalist sleight-of-hand.

One aspect of Eliezer's magical instruction stayed with Aronson decades later when he became a renown medical authority: the kabbalistic ability to read symptoms of disease from facial tics and other signs of physical deformity.

If we are to believe Aronson's story, beneath Practical Kabbalah's bizarre and much maligned history were fragments of modern science and an authentic capability to diagnose illness from the emanations of the mysterious human mind.

It's safe to say that Americans know more about Madonna’s marriage than they ever hoped to. It has become all but impossible to log into one’s Google reader without being flooded with a barrage of he-said, she-said posts about what appears to be the biggest and strangest purported love web of the year.Madonna: sometimes she fuels her own rumors

The Jewciest element of the complicated narrative is (surprisingly) not the supposed involvement of half-Jew Lenny Kravitz. Rather, it is the tossing around of the word “Kabbalah,” usually in tandem with the words “lure” and “brainwash.”

And while Kabbalah was once reported to be the marriage-saving element within the whole situation (back in the good old days when the story was just about Madge, her husband Guy Ritchie, and a simple divorce rumor), Kabbalah has of late become more synonymous with the terms “home wrecker” and “relationship destroyer.” Some have even gone as far as to call the current era “Kabbalah -Gate.”

So it might be time for a brief refresher on exactly what Kabbalah is, and isn’t. Who is to say that A-Rod is not, in fact, on his way to becoming a Kabbalah zombie (can’t you see the Post cover now? A-Rod with his arms out in a Night of the Living Dead pose, red bracelets exposed.) But at some point, the Kabbalah scapegoat is no longer sufficient for explaining the one (potentially two) love web divorces. After all, a marriage is only as good as the people in them, and the effort they exert into making things work.

Before she was Jewish: Madonna in 1983 On March 10, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame will hold its twenty-third induction ceremony, celebrating the totally under-recognized achievements of luminaries like Madonna, Leonard Cohen, and John Cougar Mellencamp.

John Cougar Mellenwhat? Yup, the Rock Hall is honoring the guy behind “Jack and Diane.” Which is, please understand, a total standout in the world of handclap songs—nobody’s knocking “Jack and Diane” around here—but don’t you think one of these things is not like the other?

It happens that there’s another thing Madonna and Leonard Cohen have in common, at least nominally, but I swear this isn’t Jewish chauvinism speaking. We're talking about the woman who singlehandedly invented 99% of the pop trends over the past three decades, the man who wrote some of the most poignant and most-covered songs of all time, and this guy:

 

Though they often behave like godless heathens, the stars are "just like us," as the old saying goes. They, too, search for divinity and meaning in their lives--a quest that can sometimes lead to trouble. The latest spiritual superstar pitfalls:

• Cruise: he's number 2Madonna has been accused of using her charity, Raising Malawi, as a front to raise funds for the Kabbalah Center. Her reps are calling said accusations "outrageous, incorrect, inaccurate, hurtful and malicious."

• The internet is all a-twitter with rumors of Britney's possible conversion to Islam.

• Soccer star Kaka, Fifa "World Player of the Year," may be in some hot water due to his ties to an apparently corrupt evangelical church.
  

• Andrew Morton, author of the unauthorized biography of Tom Cruise, which paints him as "Scientology’s de facto second in command," is standing by his book despite threats of legal action. It's in bookstores today.

• Better yet, check out Cruise's terrifying Scientology Indoctrination Vid, over at Gawker.

Maddy,

It's not that I don't like you. I don't personally know you, of course, and I once bought Like A Virgin (as a new release, and on vinyl, ahem) and loved it. And until now I've resisted commenting about your Jew-ish schtick, because I found it a bit too half-hearted to really stir me. But your "I'm an ambassador for Judaism" comment right there with Israeli President Shimon Peres floored me and hurt me on a deeper level than I imagined something like that would.

Peacekeeping: Bodypaint + Pop Star

You are not Jewish. As far as I know, you're not even really all that Jew-ish. I am Jewish, and I am offended that you are speaking on my behalf. On our behalf. I've studied a great deal about other religions, but, just because I think, say the idea of patron saints is a cool concept, or just because I agree deeply with some Buddhist teachings, doesn't mean I'd haul off and declare myself an ambassador for those traditions. If I felt strongly enough about Catholicism or Buddhism, I'd be Catholic or Buddhist. And, even then, if I were to jump religions, I can't imagine feeling qualified to be an ambassador. But that's just me. I can recognize beauty and find ideas resonant without taking it for my own. I know you're really gung-ho about Kabbalah, as are a lot of celebrities. And I find non-Jewish interest in Judaism to be the highest compliment; a testament to the beautiful ideas and concepts we hold so dearly and that make me so proud of my Jewishness. But, I'd like to remind you that Kabbalah is not a religion. Kabbalah is an ancient set of Jewish mystical concepts. And one is supposed to be both a Torah and Talmud master before beginning the study of Kabbalah.

I can say confidently, without knowing you personally, that you, Madonna, are not a Torah and Talmud master. If I may be so frank, you're a woman with a shit-pot of money and worldwide fame. Those two things open a lot of doors, but they often insulate a person from authentic information/experiences and cause a lot of people to give you authority that hasn't necessarily been earned. You worked hard for your success, and I'm not begrudging you the fruits of your labors. But are you aware of how deeply you are irritating to some of the peoplehood you claim to adore? Anyone would recognize your authority in matters of music, singing, dance, celebrity, and wealth, but I'm not comfortable with your authority in Jewish matters. Maybe because you're not Jewish.

I wouldn't stand in front of President Shimon Peres and declare myself an ambassador to Judaism, and I'm not only Jewish but gung-ho about being Jewish. I just don't think I'm narcissistic enough to think my Jewishness can speak for anyone but myself. In fact, I think Judaism, by nature, is anti-ambassador. We don't get "preached to" but rather we "discuss and consider for ourselves". So, yeah. There's that. Anyway, check this out.

Ambassador. n.

1. A diplomatic official of the highest rank appointed and accredited as representative in residence by one government or sovereign to another, usually for a specific length of time.
2. A diplomatic official heading his or her country's permanent mission to certain international organizations, such as the United Nations.
3. An authorized messenger or representative.
4. An unofficial representative: ambassadors of goodwill.

See my point, Maddy? The two things that stick out to me are "of highest rank" and "authorized". Nobody charged you, nobody urged you, nobody asked you. You decided you speak for me and I have to be honest and tell you thanks but no thanks. However, I do want to point out the words "usually for a specific length of time" and inquire about your plan in this regard...?

Pick a Narcissism, Any Narcicsssm: First She-Jeeze, now Yiddishe Ambassador?

The Times Online's (UK) Hugo Rifkind wrote today (I'm sure you are aware of this publication, as the UK seemed to be the last thing you half-heartedly co-opted, alienating the shit out of folks both in the UK and here in the US, where you are actually from) that you are "to actual Judaism what the Beach Boys were to actual surfing (in that you can’t do it, and don't really want to, but pretend it has influenced your songs)" which I found quite funny. What do you think about that? I'm sure, since you are a human being, that criticism isn't pleasant. Does it offend you because you feel so deeply connected to Judaism and our peoplehood that this accusation makes you feel misunderstood?

Because, here's the thing. If you wanted to actually be Jewish, if you studied with a rabbi and the two of you felt you found your place inside of Judaism and fit within Judaism as you are, if you went before a beit din and went to mikveh, I would welcome you, just as I would welcome anyone who felt strongly enough to convert. But, you aren't. You haven't.

I'm protective of Judaism. It isn't always easy to be Jewish. You're like our sparkly little fair-weather friend. By that I mean, you're a friend-of-the-Jewcy, which is better than being an aspiring Jew-exterminator, of course. (By the by, I was sorry to hear about what Popular Resistance said about you. That's got to be scary.) You put Rosh HaShanah and Purim in People magazine, which I suppose might lead to Judaism being a bit less mysterious to non-Jews, perhaps. But, on the same token, putting Rosh HaShanah and Purim in the news makes it all seem glamorous rather than meaningful. And, when something starts on that path, it gets misunderstood and whitewashed and co-opted and cheapened.

I can't begrudge anyone anything from which they derive meaning and sacredness, but I'd really encourage you to think about how your behavior looks to those of us you mean to "represent," and those of us you profess to care so deeply for. If you feel good about Judaism, please remember "chosen people" doesn't mean elevated in importance in the great karmic pecking order, but it means we choose greater responsibility for repairing the world around us and  caring for one another.

Just something to mull over and think about. I do appreciate your willingness to embrace many paths as well as how eager you are to reinvent yourself. My hope for you is that one day, you find a spiritual home that evolves with you and you with it, and that it is one you can finally live in with your whole self.

B'Shalom,

Amy Guth

Post Script: While you have really got some chuptzah to ink out one of the 72 names for the source of the universe on your arm, your new Hebrew tattoo does, I'll admit, look really badass, and I can see the theoretical appeal in the explanation your Kabbalah Center Guy offered, I guess, about manifesting things in your own life. Perhaps you might encourage your old pal Britney to take the advice on the "healing" nature of her tattoo. Girlfriend is pretty cracked-out these days.

Post-Post Script: I sort of like to run to that song that you sampled ABBA to make. I didn't understand the suntan pantyhose leggings in the video, though.

 

[Note: This post has been edited since publication.]

Impure and evil, apparentlyBad press for Madonna, who spent Rosh Hashana at a Kabbala conference in Israel and toasted the new year with Shimon Peres, no less. However, the director of one of the most respected Kabbala yeshivot in Jerusalem, who insisted on anonymity, was far from starstruck, and had some strong words for the Material Girl. The Jerusalem Post takes up the story:

"It is a known fact in Kabbala that impurity and evil are inherently attracted to sanctity", said the unnamed director. "That's why people of Hollywood, a place of iniquity and lasciviousness, are naturally attracted to the holiness of Kabbala."

 And explains why they vote Democrat, of course.

The director of the yeshiva said he was explaining a basic Kabbalistic concept according to which "sparks" of holiness tightly connected to "shells" of impurity are waiting to be let free. These "shells" [klipot] are naturally attracted to their polar opposite - holiness.

"Wherever there is holiness and sanctity there is also evil," added the director, who said that during her last visit to Israel three years ago, Madonna repeatedly tried to contact his institution, but her calls were not returned. "That's why someone like that lady - I don't even want to mention her name - is so attracted to the Kabbala." [...] 

During her trip to Israel, Madonna toasted Rosh Hashana with President Shimon Peres and declared herself an "ambassador for Judaism."

  Because you haven't suffered enough... 

Madonna arrived in Israel Wednesday night, the eve of the New Year, with her film director husband, Guy Ritchie, to attend a Kabbala conference. Other celebrities who flew in for the event included movie star Demi Moore and her husband, actor Ashton Kutcher, ex-talk show host Rosie O'Donnell and fashion designer Donna Karan.

Just think: Hamas could have transformed their lousy public image overnight. One well-aimed rocket…

"You don't know how popular the Book of Splendor is among Hollywood actors," Yediot quoted Madonna as telling Peres. "Everyone I meet talks to me only about that."

I find that incredibly bloody hard to believe, to be entirely honest with you. Only about that? Really? What about global warming, or the new PETA campaign, or getting the Republicans out of the White House? Don't tell me there's only room in the average actor's brain for one right-on fad at a time, because that would shake my faith in the power of celebrity to its foundations.

Either way, for effortless satire, it’s hard to top Ashton Kutcher’s earnest endorsement of Kabbalistic teachings:

Kutcher was quoted by an Israeli daily as telling a group of Israeli businessmen and entertainers on Saturday that Kabbala had answered fundamental questions in his life and made him a better actor.

I shudder to imagine what he was like before.

(via the Croydonian blog)

• Madonna and Guy Ritchie's Purim Get-Up 2007Madonna isn't Esther. At least, according to the Catholics who think her hubby needs a nice paddling on the behind. [Tittle-Tattle]
• Mikvahs will soon replace all the spas in New York CIty, Austin, Telluride, and all the other places In Style magazine informs me rich people go to escape their little lives. [BeliefNet]
• "Four Brothers" meet "Three Mothers." [Courier News]
• Hmm...I wonder how Su Fei is celebrating Purim in China. [Tennessean.Com]
• "Not Jewish Or Gay"=good luck getting a laugh or nominated for an Oscar. [Playbill News]
• Purim in Tijuana. We're serious. [NC Times.Com]

Madonna's newest addition to her family - her much talked about, controversial adoption from Africa, David Banna will be obiding by the laws of Judaism and waiting till his Chalake, or his third birthday, to cut his hair.

According to tradition, after Chalake, young Jewish boys are required to wear kippahs and start their religious studies. Madonna and Guy Ritchie have imposed the same regimen with their older, biological son Rocco. Indeed, says a source, Rocco is already bonding with baby brother thru "religion":

The two boys have formed a real bond and Rocco is always adjusting David's red Kabbalah wristband and telling him all about its rituals and beliefs.

I can't help but think that not everything Rocco is whispering into the little tyke's ears (er, variation of satanic verses on a theme called "I wish you were never born, you bloody brat"...) is innocent, but then again with Kabbalah comes maddening wisdom. .

Madonna in an H&M Tracksuit: Like a virgin.Despite the less-than-successful attempt on the part of H&M to market a tracksuit fronted by the Material girl herself, it seems that Hennes & Mauritz are willing to take another chance on Madonna and are sitting down with her to work on a fashion line for a second time. From The Showbuzz:

Madonna has teamed up with Margareta van den Bosch, H&M's head of design, to create the "M by Madonna" women's wear collection, scheduled to be launched globally in March, the company said Thursday. This is the second time the 48-year-old pop singer has collaborated with the Swedish clothing chain. H&M supplied Madonna and her entourage with an offstage wardrobe for her "Confessions" world tour. "I've made no secret of my love for fashion and trends," Madonna said in a statement. "Working with Margareta and H&M was an exciting and new creative challenge for me. I'm really happy with the results and look forward to wearing 'M by Madonna' along with the rest of the world."

Personally, I miss the old Madonna who hardly wore anything. Or if she did, it was really inappropriate.

H&M To Sell 2nd Madonna Fashion Line [The ShowBuzz]

Madonna a.k.a. EstherMadonna follows Kabbalah and believes in Jesus. MSNBC reports:

Saying that her adopted son, David, can be Christian and follow Kabbalah as well, Madonna told the BBC, “I believe in Jesus and I study Kabbalah, so I don’t see why he can’t too.”

David, of course, is the Malawian child Madonna a.ka. Esther (her Kabbalah name) just adopted. We agree, Madonna: why can't he look to you for confused religious and spiritual guidance? As long as he doesn't wind up with two fake names... Yours annoy us enough already.