Last Sunday, Victoria (my Catholic, Latina partner) and Tashi (our 5-year-old) and I had lunch with Victoria's friend Rita. Rita was born in Cuba, but moved to Miami 48 years ago when she was eight years old. Rita speaks English without an accent. She wore black pants and a black shirt and ate a tofu and avocado salad.

We were talking about religion and identity, which we think about often because Victoria is about to have a baby and because religion for her is about God. For me religion is not about God, it's about culture and being part of a group. Rita said that religion and cultural identity have been the cause of adversity and war since the beginning of time. "We're all mixing anyway. Some day we'll all be the same. Don't you want to teach your children that we're all part of the HUMAN tribe?"

 

Rita is smart and I saw her point. Sometimes identifying as a Jew seems as un-evolved as identifying as a Miami Dolphins fan. (I like sports, but the way people paint their faces orange and baby blue is a little crazy.) And like every sports fan, our team vilifies the other team: we are good, they are bad. When nations do it, it breeds hatred and violence. But I argued the importance of preserving culture. I said, "I'm part of a culture I'm proud of. If we became just like everyone else, who would make the latkes?" Rita said, "Ok, you have cultural pride. But then there's the flip side. Where there's pride, there's shame." Rita said she's just from Cuba. She's not proud or ashamed. It just is. I asked if she'd be proud of a great Cuban the way we're proud of Albert Einstein and Barbra Streisand? She said, "Not really. What's the big deal?" Well, what is the big deal? Why do we have Jewish fraternities on college campuses and websites like Jewcy and magazines like Heeb? Why do we gather in groups of like kind?

A few weeks ago, I was one of seven people invited to tell a story at an event sponsored by Heeb at the Miami Book Fair International. The only rule was that the story be Jewish. I had some Jewish pride that night, but also some shame.

My story, To Snip or Not to Snip, was about my struggle with circumcision. One woman's story was Jewish because her mother was a neurotic mess. Another woman spoke with a New York accent and said, "Oy vay," twenty times. There were jokes about sleep-away camp, playing shuffle-board with grandparents in Florida and small penises. The Holocaust was mentioned, of course, and getting discounts and ha, ha, we're the chosen people. We were caricatures of Jews, at least that's how we looked to me.

Six high school students sat in the front row. I'd met them earlier that day and I told them I'd be telling a story from my book, My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy (I see that Jewish is missing from my title). They laughed when I told them my title and so they came. I don't think the kids were Jewish. They looked like a Miami mix of Latinos and gringos and I wondered what they thought and why we perpetuate these ideas, especially when they're really not that funny?

Last Sunday night, hours after lunch with Rita, Victoria, Tashi and I were invited to dinner by a new friend named Nighad, who had a boss many years ago who told her to go by Niki. He said people were calling her Nigger. She didn't know why that was a problem. Now she knows.

Niki is from Pakistan and came to Miami 37 years ago when her husband (an arranged marriage), came to school here. Niki speaks English with a strong accent. She wore a silk, red and purple blouse draped with a scarf. She had a nose ring.

When we walked into her house, Tashi held her nose. The air was thick with unfamiliar flavors. Niki made rice with chicken, beef kabobs, chick peas, and the most delicious goat stew. For the second time that day, we talked about religion and identity.

Niki is Muslim. She told us that being friends with a Jew in Pakistan is impossible. I asked which would be more taboo, to be friends with a lesbian or with a Jew. She said Jew because lesbians are so underground no one would know.She said, "Religion is everything in Pakistan. You are your religion."And I thought how stupid and how sad. I thought about Rita and how really we are all the same. But are we? If so, we wouldn't have enjoyed the goat stew.

I just finished Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See.  Someone in my book club last night said it was the only book in the past year that our entire book club enjoyed.  I nodded with the rest of ‘em.  I don’t know if anyone else remembered that MY book, My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy was the book we read last month.  It had been a whole month.  And so I didn’t say, “Wait, didn’t you all enjoy My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy?”

I just sat there, mute as a Chinese woman.  I didn’t question.  

I’ve been thinking about cultural teachings and practices since reading Snow Flower.  Chinese women were taught to be quiet.  Jews are taught to question.  

At age six, Chinese girls’ feet were broken, their toes tucked under, and then tightly wrapped for months.  Each time their feet were rewrapped, the wraps were pulled tighter.  Walking after the bones reset and healed was pretty much impossible, so Chinese women spent their whole lives in one room, the women’s chamber.  Foot binding—-a practice most people today would agree was savage and cruel—-wasn’t completely banned until only about 50 years ago.  

These Boots Were Made For: sittingThis is an 86 year-old woman.  Look at her tiny shoe.

Why did they bind?  

For social advancement.  The smaller the foot, the sexier the woman and the more marriagable she would become.  This was the cultural belief.  Chinese people lived by these beliefs for centuries and no one questioned.  

Eight-day-old Jewish boys get their penises circumcised.  I WANT TO MAKE CLEAR THAT I DON’T THINK CIRCUMCISION HURTS BOYS THE WAY FOOT BINDING HURT CHINESE GIRLS.  I don’t know how circumcision hurts a boy, if at all.  Some circumcised men claim that circumcision feels better.  I have no idea and don’t claim to know.  My guess is that the snip hurts, probably like it hurts to get your ears pierced.  Lobes rarely get infection; usually the skin heals within a few days.

The similarities I see are cultural.   Americans and especially Jewish Americans are caught up in a cultural practice. Why do we circumcise?

Because Abraham was asked by God to sacrifice his son; because circumcision has been a 4,000 year tradition; because circumcision marks a Jewish boy;  because maybe it’s easier to keep a circumcised penis clean; because a circumcised penis looks better; because a boy should look like his father; because a boy shouldn’t feel strange in the locker room at the JCC.

In Venezuela, where my partner is from, circumcision, like foot binding, is practiced to raise a child’s social position.

Victoria said, “I don’t want our boy parading around in front of my family with a poor boy’s penis.”

I don’t either.  And I want our boy to be identified as a Jew.  But I want to make sure we don’t permanently alter our boy’s body without seriously questioning.

Andrea Askowitz, author of My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy, is guest blogging for Jewcy, and she'll be here all week.  Lucky you!

A Child By Any Other Name: might have a harder time being taken seriously?Victoria has six post-it notes hanging above her desk:  Mateo, Nicolas, Tomas, Alejandro, Santiago, and Simon.  I have one:  Nikolai.  

I love the name Nikolai.  This morning, I woke up thinking:  We can call our boy Niko.  

When I mentioned Nikolai the first time, four and a half months ago, when we found out Victoria was pregnant, she said, “Too Russian.”

I said, “What ya got against Russians?”

She said, “You just like it because it’s YOUR heritage.”   

I’m half Romanian, one quarter Russian and another quarter Ukranian, but The Ukraine may have been Russia when my great grandmother was born there.  So maybe I’m half Russian.  

I said, “I don’t feel Russian.”

She said, “I want my child to have a Latin name.  I want him to have a Latin identity.”  And then I got it.

Victoria lives in America, but she’s Venezuelan, so she feels like she has to hold on to her culture or it will get washed away.  Her extended family is still in Venezuela while mine is here.  We inevitably spend much more time with my family.  At home, we speak Spanish at dinner, but we speak English at breakfast and at lunch.  We also go to synagogue on occasion and except for the one time Victoria took Tashi to church; in our house, my cultures are ahead three to one.  

She also wants our boy to play in both worlds.  She wants him to be successful and thinks he’ll have to fight to be taken seriously by Latins if his name is Nikolai.

“Who cares what they think?”  I said. “Look at Barack, his name is Arabic or Swahili and he’s doing just fine here in the US.”

“That’s true,” she said, “but he’s taken shit for it.  And he’s not Latin.”


Today, for some reason, I was back on the Niko train and thought I'd try again.  ”Nikolai sounds Latin, to me,” I said.  It sounds a little Russian, I see that but also Italian and Portuguese and Latin.  

Victoria sighed.  

Then even before brushing my teeth, I ran to my computer to google “Latinos named Nikolai.” I found Nikolai Garcia, Nikolai Guerra, Nikolai de Lyra,…

I ran back to Victoria and told her my findings.  

She said, “Try googling Latinos named Jefferson.”

“I see your point. But Niko is so cute.”

“Then let’s do Nicolas.”

“Too Christian,” I said.

Andrea Askowitz, author of My Miserable, Lonely, Lesbian Pregnancy, is guest blogging for Jewcy, and she'll be here all week.  Lucky you!

 

They can be hilarious, vulgar, sometimes inconceivable but always carrying a sub-textual message as revealing, often more so, than the message itself.

Viral emails – missives containing salaciously alluring information or images that practically force recipients to forward copies along to their acquaintances – very often derive their epidemiological power (that need they inspire to infect others) by exploiting shared fears, vulnerabilities, or desires in the human mind. Sometimes those fears are shared universally – a very, very viral email – while most of the time the message is tailored to exploit the fears and desires of a particular group or community.

Which brings us to one particular ethnic variant of the viral email, the Jewish viral email. Most of the time, they’re an expression of the community's lowest common denominator, and invariably, fall into one of three categories:

1) This or that person or organization is secretly (or openly!) trying to destroy the Jews!

2) Holy shit we're awesome! Did you know 99% of all Nobel prize winners are Jewish, or that so-and-so celebrity's half brother's mom is a full-blooded yid?!?!?

3) Some crude, often funny, joke insinuating that all gentiles are morons, or, when it comes to Muslims, that they're all vicious animals.

These are the cloacal evils lurking in the deepest, darkest recesses of our collective bowels, flushed out by a cyber-enema of dashed off emails. Each episode of this form of communal colonic is fraught with meaning, revealing the fin-de-millennium anxieties on the forefront of our minds.

Basically, they are great fodder for conversation. So send us your virals! Send us them as you get them and we'll highlight the best of them here weekly. Simply forward them to info@jewcy.com.

This week, I received this impolitic forward from a fellow who, how shall I say it, leans to the right. Its subject line is entitled “Muslim Pussy….”

When you scroll down, you’re hit with this image:

Since we all now know that Thanksgiving is basically Sukkot for gentiles, I thought a Heebish pumpkin recipe was in order for the coming holiday, hence: Moroccan Pumpkin Soup. This is from Gil Marks' award-winning cookbook, Olive Trees and Honey. He suggests serving it in a white porcelain bowl to show off the vibrant orange color, but serving in hollowed out mini pumpkins is an alternatively festive option.

¼ cup vegetable oil
2 leeks (white and light green parts only), washed and chopped, or
2 onions, chopped
8 cups Vegetable Stock or water
2 to 3 pounds pumpkin, butternut squash, or other winter squash,
peeled, seeded, and cut into 1-inch cubes (5 to 6 cups)
3 cups cooked chickpeas or 1 cup dried yellow split peas
2 carrots, cut into chunks (optional)
1 to 4 tablespoons packed brown or granulated sugar
2 (3-inch) cinnamon sticks or about 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground ginger
¼ teaspoon ground turmeric or saffron thread
1/8 teaspoon ground allspice or freshly grated nutmeg
About 1½ teaspoons table salt or 2½ teaspoons kosher salt
Ground black pepper to taste

¼ cup chopped fresh parsley or cilantro, ½ cup toasted pumpkin seeds or pine nuts, or 1 cup sautéed mushrooms for garnish

1. In a large pot, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the leeks and sauté until soft, about 5 minutes. Add the stock, pumpkin, chickpeas, optional carrots, sugar, spices, salt, and pepper. Bring to a boil, cover, reduce the heat to low, and simmer until the pumpkin is very soft, about 50 minutes. Discard the cinnamon sticks.

2. To serve, garnish with the parsley or pumpkin seeds, or top each bowl with a little mound of sautéed mushrooms.

My partner Arnold and I are busy redesigning our online publication, the Gantseh Megillah. What a job! After 8 years and one face lift, it became apparent that we really needed to bring our site and its technology into the more modern realm.

I discovered Jewcy recently while searching out new and interesting Web sites aimed at the Jewish community. I publish and edit another online magazine by the name of The Gantseh Megillah hence the name of this blog. I am always interested in conferring with other interested and interesting people and discovering their thoughts on the goings on in the world as it pertains to being Jewish or from a Jewish perspective.

On Monday night I read an awesome piece over at SOMA Review about how hard it is to find a good Jewish deli outside of a big metropolis. It’s a fun, interesting article by a woman named Mary Beth Crain who’s had to move to the small town of Hart, Mich. to be with family, and who has an interesting way of prioritizing:

I soon discovered that being a Jew in Hart is a far different experience from being a Jew in L.A., or New York, or Flatbush. There’s no synagogue, and no Jewish community, but far more important—there’s no Jewish deli.

Yes, if you ask me, the deli—and by deli I do not mean those pathetic packaged sandwich sections in the supermarkets and 7-11’s—is the real place of Jewish worship. A genuine Jewish deli is not simply a wondrous locale, it’s a wondrous experience.

Full Story
Schmaltz and Co deli in Naperville, IL: Kosher style, and Jewish, but not kosher
Crain goes on to list, at length, her favorite things about various delis in LA, where she lived before the move to Michigan. And I have to admit, her descriptions are fantastic, and totally make me want to visit those delis the next time I’m in LA. Except for one thing: they’re not kosher, and I’m a vegetarian.

The whole phenomenon of Jewish delis irritates me, to be honest. I get annoyed because in my mind, Jewish should mean kosher, but in fact, the prototypical Jewish delis—the Carnegie deli in New York, Manny’s Deli in Chicago, and Zingerman’s in Ann Arbor are pretty thoroughly treyf these days.

The only thing that gets my eyes rolling faster than Jewish delis is anything that’s “kosher-style.” Does anyone know what that means? Is there anyone out there that eats only at kosher and “kosher-style” restaurants? I doubt it.

I love food, and I especially love traditionally Jewish foods. I make a mean Jerusalem kugel, and I think even vegetarian matzah ball soup has mystical medicinal powers (but I outright refuse to spell it matzo). The only thing that I love more than traditionally ashkenazic foods like kugel are traditionally Sephardic foods, like dolmades. And I’ve said before that whenever my faith in God wanes, I eat hummus and my faith is restored. But somehow a Jewish deli just doesn’t do it for me, and I think that’s because it makes me uncomfortable to sit in a place that’s openly proclaiming itself as Jewish, and that also openly serves a corned beef and Swiss sandwich.

Earlier this week I wrote about ahavat Israel, and I truly intend to make ahavat Israel a bigger part of my life this year, so I don’t want to come down hard on Jewish delis. I just wonder what makes a deli Jewish? A sign that says shalom? A Reuben on the menu? Homemade pickles?

When did Jewish come to mean quality meat (wow, SO many jokes to be made here), as Mary Beth Crain seems to imply? Why do we insist on making the deli part of our religious dialogue, when it seems to belong more in our cultural myth?

Frankly, when something is labeled Jewish, I have certain ethical standards that I hold it to, and I don’t really want to care about the ethics of some guys running a deli on the South Side of Chicago. But when they call it Jewish, I feel a sense of obligation.

You can call language Jewish (Yiddish) and you can call a piece of art of an artist Jewish (Chagall) because those aren’t things governed by Jewish law. So, if they act in a way that’s specifically non-Jewish, it’s less problematic. But I get edgy around foods and countries that label themselves Jewish, and then don’t live up to their own labels. But I don’t know. Maybe I’d feel different if I ate corned beef.

Dame Edna's alter ego emerged from a different kind of closet in the latest edition or Heat magazine. Barry Humphries aka Dame Edna admitted that he is "partly Jewish." While Damn Edna could be the bastard child of Julia Child and Mike Myer's mother-in-law and frequent SNLer Linda Richman (Child contributing the Y chromosome in this scenario), who would have guessed Humphries was a canasta player?

With my background it was not spoken of, but I could play canaster without anyone teaching me, so I thought ‘well I must be Jewish!’ And I get on very well with North London people. I like the mix of scepticism and humour, and the intelligence of the average Red Sea pedestrian.

Outside of character Humphries, who is also well known for the larger-than-life Les Patterson, has been involved with cultural Jewish events.

For a number of years, he has been a patron of the Jewish Music Institute’s Suppressed Music Project, which focuses on composers who suffered under the Nazi regime.

The Way To Peace Is NOT Thru Graffiti.A better morning really does start with a cup O' Jo, so why not a better world? That's the logic behind the Ugandan interfaith coffee cooperative Mirembe Kawomera ("Delicious Peace") that boasts a collective contingency of Muslim, Jewish, and Christian partners. We'll leave out the part about it being located on a dormant volcano, for now.

Mirembe Kawomera Cooperative was created by JJ Keki, an Abayudaya Jew and the current co-op leader. To create the cooperative, Mr. Keki traveled on foot, knocking on each of his neighbor's doors, asking Jews, Muslims, and Christians to put aside their differences and join him to create an extraordinary partnership. Keki was assisted by Kulanu, a U.S.-based NGO and long-time supporter of the Abayudaya ("Jewish people" in Luganda.

Personally, I think the Jewcy office should opt for the Espresso Roast (it's the proper journalist brew) but stock up a bit on the nutmeg, pecan-flavored Light Roast in case I ever breeze into town. It's for a good cause, I think.

News tip courtesy Jewschool.

Gentile Beefcake: Should Dirty Dancing qualify as inter-religious porn?We all know the shiksa. Heartthrob of Woody Allen movies, competitor of Sheila Levine. Blonde. Skinny thigh-ed. Neurosis free. But whither her male counterpart? In Yiddish, we have no term for the sexy Aryan male. Goy doesn’t cut it. We need a specific word, as eroticized and stereotype laden, to convey a very particular object of lust.

The male shiksa, for lack of a better word, is (like the noble, broad-shouldered kibbutznik) is a stock character in Jewish girl coming of age stories. Look at Fiddler on the Roof, when Reb Tevye simply can’t accept his daughter’s desire to marry a Russian. Or Dirty Dancing. That’s practically interracial porn. Johnny (isn’t that always his name), all ripped and dumb and sullen, makes the perfect sexual stopgap to lose your virginity to before finally settling down with a dentist in Massapequa. Generations of Jewish women watch this film religiously. My boyfriend, a blond hunk of man from Erie, PA, remains oblivious to the inter-religious dynamics. Though it made him want to be a dance instructor.

In homage to the male shiksa, here’s a youtube video, which blends my favorite time period with my favorite fetish. Enjoy.

Maya Escobar, who Jew School describes as a "Guatemalan Jewish Interdisciplinary Artist" has her own line of Youtube videos entitled, Acciones Plásticas where the self-proclaimed artist plays up every possible female stereotype and markets it in Mattel-like fashion.

In the series Acciones Plásticas, I created a multi-faceted “doll”, assuming the role of designer and distributor, and even posing as the actual doll itself. My product is “marketed” in five distinct styles: The Orthodox Jew©, The JAP©, The Chach©, The Sexy Latina©, and The Mayan©. Each doll is a satirical characterization of the many roles that have been projected upon me, and into which I have, to some extent, inevitably fallen.

According to Jew School, she also markets her own line of panties. We're just not quite sure which Barbie's ass is posing in the ad. From the look of it, we'd place our bet on "The Sexy Latina."

Anywho, check out her Orthodox Doll take. If the grating Gilbert Gottfried impersonation doesn't make you gag in the first five seconds, you're good to go. Well, apart from having to listen to the video's actual content, that is. But it's still like way better than the JAP doll.

My future father-in-law forwarded this joke and I think it's a little funny. Keep in mind it's an email joke that you've probably glossed over once and deleted numerous times.

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Unfortunately, all the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit their abuelo (grandfather in spanish).

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here--he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro." There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor."

And there's a physician here that is 90 years old . He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor."

And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me "The Fucking Mexican."

One of Radio Salaam Shalom's New FacesThe first ever Muslim-Jewish radio station, Radio Salaam Shalom, launched last week in the UK. The station, funded by grants from the government’s Faith Communities Capacity Building Fund, aspires to bridge the gap in the Muslim and Jewish communities by illustrating the groups' shared cultural similarities.

The station is the voice of the “moderate majority” where people from both communities will have the chance to celebrate, debate and share the events, the spokesman added.

Farooq Siddique, a member of the Bristol Muslim Cultural Society and presenter on the station, said he hoped the project would help improve community relations.

“Basically when you think of two communities who don’t get on, the first one you think of is Jews and Muslims.

“The idea behind the station, at a time when chasms are opening up between communities here in the UK and around the world, is to act as a bridge and bring communities together to discuss their problems.

“There’s so much we have in common. The Israel-Palestine issue has come to define Muslim and Jewish relations, but prior to that the relationship was the exact opposite.”

The idea came from Jewish and Muslim students at two universities - Bristol University and the University of the West of England - as a means of forging closer links with each other.

Radio Salaam Shalom broadcasts daily from 3-9 PM and from the schedule appears to be largely comprised of Muslim shows.

Harbin synagogueEhud Olmert is in China this week, discussing (among other things) the Iranian threat to Israel. But most people probably don't know that Olmert's grandparents fled to China from the pogroms in Russia. In fact, Harbin had a large Jewish population for some time. And Harbin sheltered thousands of Jews fleeing the Nazis during WWII.

Bein expressed her appreciation of the peaceful childhood she enjoyed in Harbin.

"During the war, when the whole of Europe was aflame, we enjoyed a comfortable life," she said.

By the end of the World War II, there were about 30,000 Jews in China.

"Thirty thousand people came and 30,000 people left China," said Teddy Kaufman, President of Association of Former Residents of China and Israel China Friendship Society.

"Nobody was killed," he said.

China is one of the few nations of the world that opened its doors to Jews fleeing the Holocaust. Today, China is preserving the buildings that housed the Jewish community, a thing that is almost unheard of.

Harbin has preserved the largest Jewish cemetery in East Asia, which has about 600 tombstones and includes the grave of the grandfather of the Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

The city's dozens of Jewish assembly halls, hotels, schools, hospitals, banks, shopping malls, dwelling houses, kindergartens and office buildings, some of which are nearly a century old, are protected by Harbin municipal government.

Some of buildings have been repaired and maintained in large scale, like the Jewish New Synagogue, which was restored in 2005.

How do you say "Thank you" in Chinese?

From a survey taken at Haifa University:

The poll showed that 75 percent of Jewish students believe that Arabs are uneducated people, are uncivilized and are unclean.

A Haifa University survey investigating Arabs and Jews' views on one another reveals disturbing results.

On the other hand 25 percent of the Arab youth believe that Jews are the uneducated ones, while 57 percent of the Arab's believe Jews are unclean.

JDate modelSee the guy smirking at you over on the right? The one that looks like he's maybe sixteen years old? Say hello to JDate's current model (and please, don't tell me you're one of the suckers who thought that singles sites don't use models to advertise their product). He's been around for long enough to make me want to either smack him or make him my boytoy.

Maybe I'll just flip a coin.

Or maybe JDate can change their model before I track this one down and, uh, flip a coin. Yeah. Flip a coin.