This week’s theme: Wacky pictures. First up is HoneyiLOVEYOUso, who’s got some amazing text to accompany his intensely ‘80s photo.

I quote:

Hey Woman where are you? I need you. help me to find you, cause I love you I swore to budda I know how to love if she be good to me and be kind to me I will not let her go No way if she is a keeper she will be kept for ever and ever my friend come to me New Year is here I am not getting any younger and I need Love. Perpetual love. see you my love later sweet dreams for now.

Yeesh. On the opposite end of the “would you want to be alone in a dark alley with this person?” spectrum is EricBD32.

Eric, Eric, dude, in two of your pictures you’re with a woman. In one of them, you appear to be gazing deep into her eyes. Your other two photos are adorable—cute kid, cute kitty, cute motorcycle—and you seem like a really nice guy, but the happy-in-love pics suggest that maybe you’re not quite ready to move on.

And then there's the girl I like to call Red. I can't remember where I found her, which is probably good because it afford her at least some measure of anonymity. There's so much to love about Red: The neckline on her dress, the choker, the burnt-caramel tan, the Chanel bracelet. But I think my favorite thing about this picture is the pose. Nothing says "classy and not self-absorbed" like a picture of you taking a picture of yourself.

God, this column torments me! On the one hand, I’m currently listening to podcasts of the world’s best break-up songs on Minnesota Public Radio, which is making my heart feel all melty towards those in the love-finding trenches. On the other hand, there is a guy on JDate who goes by the handle SuckItUp33, which is so gross and hostile that I can’t NOT make fun of him.

On the other other hand, SuckItUp sounds exactly like the kind of guy I would have made out with back when I was a pretentious 23-year-old with a limited alcohol tolerance:

I'm sarcastic, I can be obnoxious, and the word arrogant has been thrown around before also...but I am also loyal, intelligent, classy, motivated, dedicated, educated, even-keeled, well-written...and dashingly handsome… I think its hot when girls get drunk and stick their tongues out and I really like girls who use words like "capricious", "salacious", and "pedantic".

Listen, I don’t mean to be pedantic, but that tongue thing is unfortunately salacious, and even if you sign up for JDate as a total caprice, the least you can do is proofread your profile (that “its” takes an apostrophe – it’s a contraction, not a possessive.)

SuckItUp definitely comes in second, but before I reveal my absolutely favorite JDater girl so far, a pair of third-placers:

• Loveme823, poor thing. I hope she thought long and hard about that name. If it’s “Love, Me” as in “Dear Boyfriend, had to run but have a great day, Love, Me” written on a post-it on the pillow, then it’s cute. As a naked plea for affection, though: Oy.
• Ffffffflorida, whose profile reads like his mom literally forced him to sign up. He says he “would love to meet a jewish girl.. and have little jew bagel babies,” his perfect first date involves “complete aquardness and very uncomfortable,” and he’s looking for “a jewish princess, so my rents tell me...”

Nobody, though, is as awesomely honest as ChalahBack. She enjoys the Scottsdale nightlife, she considers bad sex a dealbreaker, and she’s looking for someone who “butters my Muffin upon request.” ChalahBack, we at Jewcy all wish you a future full of happy muffin-buttering.

This column has been man-heavy lately, so I feel like it’s only fair to focus on the women. But I’ve run into a problem, or maybe just an eternal truth: Boys on JDate are way funnier. This probably stems from the fact that insecure men, unlike insecure women, sometimes channel their insecurities into hilarious bluster about kung fu. It might also be because we tend to act, as a society, as if single women are lonely and unlovable (a la this weirdly cruel Onion video), whereas single men are just swinging bachelors.

Still, I made a promise and I plan to keep it – plus I really DON’T think the women of JDate are in any way sadder than the men, so it seems hypocritical not to give them the standard treatment. Some notable profiles from my search:

• The (gorgeous) woman who says “I can’t stand when people are pessimistic, vain, pompous, and/or mean. So if you feel the need to talk about yourself and your achievements constantly I am probably not the one for you. I am not going to even discuss my looks because honestly beauty is in the eye of the beholder so judge for yourself.” Yeah, seriously. What kind of vain, pompous person are you, expecting her to expound at length upon her looks?
• The woman whose profile throws down the gauntlet right away: “he must be charming, loyal, attractive, intelectual, sexual, passionate, financially supportive (meaning: no cheap men) o but wait; am i describing a gay guy? or can anyone prove me wrong?”
• The gentle tripster who describes who she wants to meet thus: “I am all about quality not quanity(substance)!! Strength is truth-not suppression nor delusion.but acceptance.”
• This girl, who sounds remarkably non-insane and appears to be super-cute (she has a flower in her hair!) and who all you boys should probably contact immediately.

But my absolute favorite profile this week is less a woman than an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a bunch of old issues of Us Weekly. SJ81211E’s profile consists of nothing but the lyrics to the Ashlee Simpson song "Autobiography," and the picture looks like Ashlee taking a camera-phone self-portrait. Pete Wentz, do you know about this?