Make Sure Your Chairs: have armsAh, wedding season: Weekends fill up with nuptials as our friends and relatives (and maybe even a few of us) march down the aisle and get hoisted up on chairs to wave napkins and hope they don't get dropped. Weddings are beautiful and fun, but as anyone who has ever watched Bridezillas can tell you, they rarely go off without a hitch. Here are some tips for anyone who wants to avoid common Jewish wedding disasters.

1. Check Your Hebrew: If you’ll be having any Hebrew text on your invitation or program, and if you’re not really comfortable with the language, have the text proofread by someone who can catch typos, grammatical errors, and other miscommunications. I’ve seen invitations where ‘I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ became ‘My father is my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ because of a typo. And a ketubah where ‘bride’ became ‘easy girl’ because of a spelling error. Don’t trust the artist or printer to be your Hebrew language expert.
2. Read Your Ketubah: If you’re going to have a ketubah, read the translation ahead of time to make sure that you’re both okay with it. As I’ve written before, it’s kind of a bizarre document, and many couples are uncomfortable with the traditional text. This is the kind of thing you want to talk about months before the wedding, especially if you’re having a ketubah made just for you. You don’t want to hear it read at the wedding and think, “That’s not very romantic.” Be prepared.
3. Test Drive the Glass: There are few things more embarrassing than watching while a groom haplessly stomps on a napkin over and over until the crowd finally hears a satisfying crunch. If you want to use a glass, try a very thin champagne flute. Or cheat and use a light bulb. Remember to save the shattered glass so you can have it made into a mezuzah for your home.
   
4. Find Chairs With Arms: You will be hoisted into the air, and if you have arms to hold onto, you’re less likely to fall or feel unsteady. It’s also good to have some strong friends and relatives on hand.
   
5. Choose Seven Friends: The seven wedding blessings need to be said under the chuppa following the grace after the meal. You may want to give the honor of the first seven to various family members, and the second seven to good friends. Just make sure whoever you ask is comfortable reading Hebrew out loud in front of a lot of people.

Put down the Matisyahu and pick up the Y-Love.

"This is Babylon," the new album from Hasidic emcee Y-Love (AKA Yitz Jordan), seamlessly blends rhymes in English, Hebrew, Yiddish, Arabic, and even Aramaic, all the while mixing sounds and beats evocative of DJ Shadow, The Streets, Mos Def, Chuck D, and a host of others. Thought-provoking political verses reside naturally beside electronic dance tracks. Y-Love calls it "global hip hop," and considering that he's a convert to Judaism, he can spit some pretty fast Yiddish.

The album functions on a couple of levels: You can chill with it and meditate on his words, or let them seep in as you move. Fresh and inspired, Urb calls "This is Babylon" a "soundtrack to social progression" and describes it as "a head nodding, fist lifting, wake-up and do something kind of record."

Already available for download on iTunes and Amazon, the album will be in stores on Tuesday, April 29.

Previous: God in the Wilderness: Rediscovering the Spirituality of Nature with the Adventure Rabbi 

It's not officially Hump Day anymore, but with all the Passover goings-on it can be easy to lose track of time. It may be a day late, but here's your weekly serving of Hump Day Art.

In JAMS2 (Jewish Animated Mandala Series), artist Melissa Shiff used Judaica from the Jewish Museum in her kaleidescope-like video for the Off the Wall exhibit. This is not the first time Shiff has played off of Jewish iconography; she's reinvented the Jewish wedding, and decked out entire rooms in matzo.

At the end of Off the Wall, Shiff displayed a series of video projections featuring swirling, colorful Hebrew letters that served as the backdrop for a fashion show and performance. The work is both gorgeous and surprising, as she finds the geometry and patterns in the letters. Here are some stills from the projections at the museum.

Last week: Modern Day Exodus

We love her: even though we can't understand what she's singing aboutIt’s astonishing to think a 30 second commercial could lead to a song and an album becoming the most popular on iTunes, but that’s what’s happened to French-Israeli musician Yael Naim, whose single “New Soul” is featured in the new MacBook Air ads. The phenomenon is a testament not only to the catchiness of Naim’s song, but also to Apple’s growing influence as a pop music tastemaker. As Machinist’s Farhad Manjoo points out, “New Soul” has been getting better reviews than the MacBook Air.

But what sets Naim apart from other Apple success stories like Feist, Gorillaz, and the Fratellis, is that while her most well-known song is in English, much of her new album is in Hebrew. It’s not exactly a cross-over, but more of a mish-mash of cultures and languages that reflect Naim’s own diverse background. Born in Paris to Tunisian parents, Naim spent her childhood in Israel, and now lives and performs in France.

My Hebrew is far from fluent, but there’s still something appealing about the Hebrew songs that transcends the language barrier, thanks to their catchy melodies and Naim’s soulful, agile voice. It’s nice to see that she hasn’t compromised completely in order to appeal to the American audience, but maybe that’s part of her mystique; there’s the excitement of discovering an obscure artist from a far-away land (even though Apple has done the discovering).

While Naim’s album feels more European than American, it does include a tribute to our own pop princess, with a cover of Britney Spears’ “Toxic.” Naim’s version replaces the raunchy overtones of the original with a more subdued, quirky take on the song. Overall, Yael Naim is reminiscent of other popular female singers like Norah Jones and Corrine Bailey Rae, in the sense that all three women have proved themselves to be the anti-Britneys; they rely on their voices, songwriting, and musical ability to produce a likeable, grown-up brand of pop.

Check out Naim’s version of “Toxic.”

Yesterday night I was talking online with a friend of mine and conversation got pretty awesome. I've redacted his name, but mine is still here. This is what happens when day school graduates grow up ...

You're So Frum: it's so hot

X says: you're so fucking frum
X says: it makes me sick
Tamar says: you are the first person ever to say that to me
Tamar says: thank you!
X says: just talking all day about toire toire toire
Tamar says: what else is there to talk about?
Tamar says: actually, it goes something like toire sex toire sex toire sex
X says: well, everything is actually toire
X says: sex is toire
Tamar says: depends if it's good sex or not
Tamar says: bad sex is not toire
X says: bad sex is i'm afraid
Tamar says: nuh uh
Tamar says: it's like midrash or something
Tamar says: not Torah mamish
X says: i'll accept that
X says: it's definitely misinai though
Tamar says:i'm not so sure
Tamar says: I’ll have to think about it

And then later:
Tamar says: good sex=pshita
Tamar says: bad sex=remez
Tamar says: or is it the other way around?
X says: peshita la lerabbanit tamar
X says: ipcha mistabra
X says: pshat is just sex
X says: remez is good sex
X says: sod is simultaneous orgasms
Tamar says: what's drash?
X says:blowjob?
Tamar says: you're amazing
Tamar says: will you be my rabbi?
X says: yeah baby
X says: i should write a book
X says: The orchard of sex
Tamar says:i'd buy it
Tamar says: there would be commentary and stuff on the sides
Tamar says: and diagrams
X says:you could talk down to your audience
X says:just like other artscroll books
X says: you'd love it
Tamar says: bend at the knees and then bow until you see the labia
X says: remember that with frum girls, the more you mumble during sex the better. she'll know you're talking to god
Tamar says:When you reach simultaneous orgasm say, "Oh Gee dash dee!"
Tamar says: or maybe, "Amen!"
X says: awesome
X says: the act of sex can be consider one long bracha
Tamar says: when do you say barchu u baruch shmo?
Tamar says: initial penetration?
X says: you don't
X says: it would be a hefsek
X says: the girl is yoitse on the guy's bracha

If I ever wanted to write a soap opera, or a damning book about the underbelly of the Jewish world, all I’d have to do is spend a year or two working as a secretary at a Jewish day school to get plenty of material. I was a day school student for thirteen years, and have been subbing at day schools for more than a year, and I can tell you, the shit that goes down in the office of your typical Hebrew/Yeshiva/Schechter Day school is un-fucking-believable.

First of all, there are parents calling from seven in the morning till after five every day with all kinds of absolutely URGENT matters to discuss with various members of the administration. The reason Johnny didn’t do well on his multiplication test is because his teacher HATES him, and she should be FIRED. Julia couldn’t come to school today because she didn’t have matching socks, and she just can’t go out looking like this. We’re pulling Yoni and Dahlia out of class three weeks early to go to Bermuda for the summer. Can we have their assignments and part of the tuition back, please? Menachem was only throwing his desk at his teacher because she embarrassed him in class.
Parental control is way out of hand. WAY out of hand. But for the most part administrators have no choice but to listen to this asinine shit because if they tell the parents to shove it they risk losing a child from the school, and every tuition dollar has to be stretched to its limits and subsidized in order to keep the school out of bankruptcy.
Aren't These Kids Cute?: You could be their princiPAL
Is it any wonder, then, that the turn around rate for principals of Jewish day schools is extraordinarily high? According to an editorial in the Jewish Journal by Rabbi Larry Scheindlin, “Observers estimate the average tenure of Jewish day school heads at between two and five years. Having labeled the problem a crisis, a consortium of organizations, including the Partnership for Excellence in Jewish Education and the Avichai Foundation, recently invited 50 participants to convene at a think tank consultation in New York.”

Just to put things into perspective, from the year I started sixth grade to the year I started tenth grade I had five principals in two schools. In ninth grade, the board fired the principal of my high school in the middle of the week in February. He’d been at the school for seventh months.

Now, part of this is because a lot of the people in charge of day school boards, (who traditionally do the hiring and firing of principals), are really bad at their jobs. Too many of them are parents who can’t see past the experiences of their own children. But there’s also a huge deficit of people who are qualified to run Jewish day schools.

An ideal candidate for a day school principalship is someone with a great background in Judaica. A Hebrew speaker who is comfortable with Jewish text and can be a good example to the community and the kids in the school. Additionally, this person has to have great leadership skills, has to be able to entice excellent general studies teachers away from other private schools, has to be able to juggle eleven different discipline situations at a time, and has to do it all with a warm and friendly demeanor that kids and parents alike find welcoming and comforting.

It’s a tall order, and it gets even taller when you consider that there are about eight hundred Jewish day schools in the US. Probably only a hundred or so are anything other than ultra-Orthodox, but still. You need a hundred fantastic people, and so far, we just don’t have that kind of capital.

So here’s the tip of the day: next time you’re trying to decide what to do with your life, consider being a Jewish educator. There’s high demand, and high rewards (not monetarily, but whatever). Jewish day schools need you.

Nothing Worse: Than an insult you don't understandOkay, so if you don't read the blather in our Faithhacker comment boxes, you might not know that there's been a bit of a brouhaha going on of late.  If this is the case, I congradulate you on your focus, and wish you well.  I'm not even going to link to such silliness here. 

Focused reader, I suggest you continue on with your day.

However, if you HAVE been following those threads, you might (like me) be a little confused by some of the terminology getting thrown around by our more observant Jewcy readers.  And Faithhacker feels strongly that defining our terms as we proceed is one MAJOR way we can help to bridge the gap between people with different bases of knowledge. 

A huge part of what scares many of us away from Jewish content is simply a lack of comfort with Jewish vocabulary, so I urge that in future you might, if you comment, link or define your terms...  so you can teach us something.

After all... just because we get a little hot under the collar doesn't mean we can't grow at the same time.  You know, there's that handy line:  

"Who is wise? 
One who learns from every man..."

And in that spirit, I want to try to mend and ease out of the furious comments... by learning from them.  I thought I'd do what I could to translate and explain the comment-box terminology, and I hope people will correct me, as my google-studies and context-clue definitions are sure to be inadequate.

shomer mitzvot: this just means people who observe all the commandments, like keeping the sabbath, and eating kosher, and being modest, and so on...   "I'd love to come to Talladega with you on Saturday, but I'm Shomer Mitzvot!"

HaShem:  Is one of the many ways we avoid saying the name of God.  If you grew up Reform, you're used to "Adonai" but you probably didn't hear "HaShem" much.    Literally it means "The Name."  "The farm is suffering from lack of rain, but it's going to storm tonight, Thanks to HaShem!"

hillul  HaShem:  Well, now we know HaShem, right?  So since Hillul means a kind of absence, then Hillul Hashem means all the things you do that hide God's presence.  I also find a bunch of places that define this one as "desecration of God's name.  But truthfully, I don't fully understand it. Can anyone help me out?

kahal:  This word means "community" but I'm not sure how specific a definition it has to have.  It seems it can refer to a congregation, a Jewish population, etc.  But maybe you can use it more loosely too.  "On Sesame Street, the Kahal of puppets boycotted Maria's fixit shop."  Can I say that?

atid lavo:  This one refers to the messianic age, the time to come.  "I'm going to eat bon bons all day long in Atid Lavo." 

averos: Is plural  for avera, which is the most commonly used Hebrew word meaning "sins".  "So I ate the last piece of pie!  Chill out, it's not an avera or anything..."

sinas chinam:  Everyone seems to agree that this phrase means "baseless hatred."  "I don't know why I feel the way I do about Avril Lavigne.  I guess it's just sinas chinam."

Aleph: You gotta start somewhereI read Tahl’s piece yesterday…

I grit my teeth whenever I hear Jewish liturgy done in English. Intellectually the rationales are compelling for such alternative services; emotionally I can't help but feel they're lacking.

Anyone who wants access to the primary language of Jewish worship needs to learn Hebrew, and so does anyone who wants to understand Israeli society.

And I found myself agreeing with him, despite  the fact that I don’t speak Hebrew myself.  (is that weird, that I prefer the service in a language I don't understand???)

Inspired by that thought, I’ve just signed up for a really cool FREE thing online, and I wanted to be sure to tell you about it. 

It’s the Hebrew word of the day!

From now on (in theory) I’ll be getting a daily email with a new vocabulary word. Every day!  Just imagine—in no time at all I’ll be able to say things like, “The shiny apple is on the desk” and “My mother is a persimmon.”  My hope is that I’ll get jazzed about this, and use it as a jumping off point to actually start studying Hebrew in a more serious way--which I've been meaning to do forever)

The word-of-the-day is a service of the International Fellowship of Christians and Jews.  Which is cool, if it isn’t really uncool.  Let's just hope I don’t learn the word for “sinful” tomorrow, and the word for “heathen” on Wednesday.

I think you should wait a week to sign up, so that I can report back if I start getting funny spam.   

 Pssst.  There’s another service here but it looks kind of janky to me. And there’s another one here, but it’s not an email—you’re supposed to print off flashcards.