The Friday 5

If you've ever been in the care of a Jewish mother--whether yours or someone else's--then surely you're familiar with the words "eat something!" Often delivered with commentary about how you're "too skinny," they're spoken with a salty-sweet mix of love and reproach. It's no secret that Jews love to feed and be fed. My most profound experience with this old phenomenon occurred during a backpacking trek across Russia and Europe, when I dropped in on my sister's friend's grandmother in St. Petersburg. Despite the fact that she didn't know me from Adam (or Eve, for that matter), despite the fact that I didn't speak a word of Russian and she didn't speak a word of English, and despite the fact that her Soviet-era kitchen wasn't much bigger than a port-a-potty, she sat me down at her teeny tiny table and fed me until I nearly exploded. How she did it, I'll never know. It was as if she was pulling food out of thin air. Salads, meats, cheeses, breads, tea, and cake. There had to have been a secret door that I never saw her go through.

In any case, our enduring feeding frenzy has led to some deep culinary thoughts. Here, then, are my top 5 Jewish food wisdoms. Have one of your own? Post it in comments. Oh, yes--and ess gezunterhait, kids. Eat in good health.

	That's the way the cookie crumbles. In other words, that's life, folks. Hey, have some fun with phonics! Say it in Yiddish: "Azoy tsebrecht zich dos kichel."
	Eat like a bird, shit like a horse. Isn't that lovely? When I ran this one by my aunt, she laughed and said, "That's so Jewish." I can't purport to know what it actually means, but I'm sure it's steeped in profundity. Say it in Yiddish: "Ess vie ein foygl sheise vie ein feirt."
	If you're going to eat pork... This saying has a number of different endings, but they all mean the same thing: If you're going to sin, do it right. Enjoy it. Otherwise, what's the point? So, if you're going to eat pork: "...eat the best kind," "...get it all over your beard," "...enjoy it so much that the pork fat drips off your chin."
	In a restaurant, choose a table near a waiter. This little nugget is attributed to the legendary Henny Youngman, who is said to have walked into the Friars Club every day for 50 years and asked for "a table near a waiter."
	Love is sweet but it's nice to have bread with it. Ain't that the cold, hard truth?

Ah, Christmas: The world’s most commercially viable pseudo-holiday. Full of enduringly confusing symbolism, the celebration drives millions of people (especially American people) insane each year, inspiring them to spend their hard-earned money on crap they (and their loved ones) don’t need. Though it's based loosely on the birth of Jesus, the festival is really the remains of the pagan winter solstice, and proves that from the beginning, the Christian church has enjoyed the savviest marketing and PR. Perhaps one of the most fascinating aspects of modern, secular Christianity, is that most Jews view Christmas and all of its glittering, flashing, toe-tapping accoutrements as religious, while many Christians do not! How ironical! Whatever lens through which you view the hullabaloo of Christmas, it can be a quiet, lonely day for les Jews, but the following five pastimes have provided solace for decades.

	Jews and Chinese food go together like...well, Jews and Chinese food. Legend has it that my father actually indulged in two--that's right, two--Chinese meals while my mother was in labor with me. I wasn't born on Christmas, but Jesus! In any case, many Chinese people don't take part in Christmas celebrations, and their restaurants offer safe and satisfying haven to hungry Jews.
	Celebrating Christmas simply isn't kosher, but taking in a double feature at your local cinema is fine and good. Extra large popcorn? Check. Extra large pop? Check. Clear conscience? Check, check, check.
	Matzo Ball. Not the soup, but the partay. Not on Christmas day, but on Christmas eve. Hit the ball hard enough, and your hangover will keep you occupied through Dec. 26. Let My People Go throws balls in NYC, Los Angeles, and Washington D.C. The Society of Young Jewish Professionals throws balls in Boca Raton, Boston, New York, Miami, Washington D.C., and Chicago. Even Heeb gets in on the party planning action. Don't say I never took you nowhere.
	It's a mitzvah and a great way to use the time you don't spend eating a goose or a ham and opening presents around a tree decorated with chotchkies. Volunteer to serve Christmas dinner to the homeless and hungry in your town. Lord knows (ha ha, get it? Lord?) there's a local shelter, church, or temple who needs you.
	Christmas day is a great opportunity for Jews to bond with family. You've all got the day off, anyway. Get together and revel in a paid holiday.

Breakfast. Mothers, nutritionists, and teachers alike tell us that it's the most important meal of the day, and we Jews have a handful of unique breakfast dishes all our own. Have a killer recipe for one of the dishes listed? Share it in comments, below.

	Matzo Brei: It certainly isn't a visually pleasing dish, but don't let that dissuade you. Matzo Brei combines crumbled matzo and scrambled eggs in what has become a filling, satisfying, Passover breakfast food.
	Bagels: Easily the most popular Jewish contribution to breakfast, everyone loves a bagel--especially when it's slathered with the traditional cream cheese and lox.
	Shakshuka: This popular Israeli egg dish, which translates to "all mixed up," is made with tomatoes, onions, and lots of spices.
	Blintzes: Whether filled with cheese or fruit, blintzes are always a sweetly satisfying way to start the day.
	LEO (Lox, Eggs, and Onions): A deli favorite, Sam the Cooking Guy calls it a "Jewish classic" and offers his own recipe up on his site. If you love eggs and salt, this is your dish.

Kein ayin hora and knock on wood--we Jews have carried some old school superstitions with us throughout the diaspora, and many of them lead right into the kitchen. Here's how to save yourself from the common cold and the evil eye, not to mention ensure your fertility and keep your pantry full, all by employing the use of common kitchen staples.

	Chicken Soup: Not just for the soul, this traditional remedy known as "Jewish Penicillin" is more than just superstition. Studies have shown that it may actually "contain substances with beneficial activity including an anti-inflammatory effect that could ease the symptoms of colds and other upper respiratory infections." Sounds like your mom (not to mention all of her female ancestors) was right.
	Break That Bread: This is an old, general superstition. Never eat from a piece of bread over which you have recited a berakah before first cutting it in two. Why not? Because otherwise, evil spirits might trouble your digestion. Bread is also traditionally brought with salt to welcome someone to a new house.
	Something in the Oven: This kitchen superstition, which is said to have originated in Minsk, insists that you always keep something--anything--in your oven. If it's ever left empty, you run the risk of not have anything to cook or bake when you really need it. In order to avoid this hungry fate, people historically kept a piece of wood in an empty oven.
	Good Eggs, Bad Eggs: The good news is, if a woman eats an egg with a double yoke, she'll be blessed with many offspring. The bad news is, if you steal an egg, you'll face seven years of poverty.
	The Garlic Method: Eat lots of this bulb to ward of evil spirits (and everyone else in your shtetl). Garlic and red ribbons have also been placed on cribs to protect babies from the evil eye.

Thanksgiving is done and Black Friday is upon us along with a fridge full of delicious leftovers. Unfortunately, another glorious meal - Shabbat dinner - is now just a few hours away, while your desire to cook dwindled away sometime between burning yesterday's green bean casserole and washing gravy off your 25 guests' plates. To help get you back in the mood, here are the Top 5 suggestions for easy, Jewish-inspired leftover goodies.

	Leftovers: What leftovers? Little Joshie looked much too thin - that shiksa mother of his doesn't feed him enough. Better he should take home a little of my stuffing than have it - God forbid - sitting on my zaftig hips for years to come.
	Turkey Soup with Noodles: Ok, so it isn't exactly bubbe's famous chicken soup recipe. But oy! the extra turkey! Besides, what do noodles know from a little turkey in place of chicken broth?
	Mashed Potatoes: There's not much you can do with leftover mashed potatoes - but you wise mamaleh, you thought ahead and bought the ten-pound sack of Yukon gold's at the supermarket knowing that Chanukah (and golden fried latkes) are just two weeks away.
	Cranberry Sauce: Canned, fresh - whatever. Just add prunes (ahem, dried plums), apricots, and a little sugar, heat and stir. Easiest tzimmes you ever made. Convincing people to eat it is the tough part.
	Pumpkin Pie: Chances are, with Aunt Minnie around, the pumpkin pie disappeared slowly but steadily over the course of Thanksgiving eve. If you're lucky enough to have salvaged a piece from her mouth (or the pieces she stuffed in her purse for later), it makes a better breakfast than even the sweetest babka.

"To life, to life, l'chaim. L'chaim, l'chaim, to life. It gives you something to think about, Something to drink about -- Drink, l'chaim, to life." So wrote Sheldon Harnick in his lyrics for the Fiddler on the Roof song, "To Life." Over the years, a handful of unique beverages have become as intrinsic to the Jewish culinary world as are dishes like kugel and matzo ball soup. When we "drink l'chaim," we often do so by raising a glass of legendarily sweet wine, but a few other libations have also found their cultural home within the Jewish people's soda and shot glasses. Here they are, in all of their strange, delicious, intoxicating, refreshing glory. Have one you want to add? Feel free to do so in comments.

	From those thimble-sized tastes at temple onegs to the fourth sickening glass at a Passover seder, the overwhelmingly sweet Manischewitz is arguably the ultimate Jewish drink. These days there are plenty of fine, kosher wines to keep us busy, but the "Witz" will always hold a special place in Jewish hearts and homes.
	Walter Winchell called it "Jewish champagne." An acquired taste, this celery-flavored Dr. Brown's soda was developed in 1869, and is made with is made with celery seeds, sugar and seltzer. It's hard to find outside of NYC and Jewish delicatessens, where it's usually on offer alongside other Dr. Brown's flavors, like Black Cherry, Root Beer, and Cream Soda.
	Seltzer is the old school, Jewish version of "sparkling water," and like Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray, it has also been referred to as "Jewish champagne." Of course, this is not a term that's used much anymore, and frankly, neither is the traditional seltzer bottle. In New York, in the early twentieth century, seltzer was not just commonplace but essential to Jews who believed it was healthier than city water, and aided digestion--hence its other nickname: Belchwasser.
	A freshly made Egg Cream Soda is the stuff of legends. Deeply rooted in New York City, the classic brew is mixed to order and made with Fox's U-Bet Chocolate Syrup. The other two ingredients? Seltzer water (go figure) and milk.
	Some may tell you that this plum brandy takes its root from the Slavic word for plum, but I'm pretty sure that Slivovitz translates to "Party Time." A traditional libation of Eastern European Jews, this stuff packs a punch, hitting you with a standard proof of 100 to 140. In other words, 50 to 70%. Drink it in shots, and don't say I didn't warn you.

Don't get me wrong: a bagel with cream cheese is one of the most perfect foods. But sometimes I just want something more...substantial. Sometimes I feel like getting creative, and there's nothing wrong with a little experimentation! So if you're sick of lox on your bagel, or whitefish is wearing you down, try one of these alternative bagel toppings you certainly won't find on Bubbe's brunch platter.

	The Breakfast Bagel – This one's a no-brainer and my number one go-to hangover food. I actually prefer it open-faced in order to get the perfect ratio of cheese to egg to bagel in one bite. Toast the bagel, and when it's nearly done, lay a slice of American cheese on each half. Continue toasting until cheese is just melted. Meanwhile, scramble two eggs with butter. Top cheesy bagel halves with eggs (if you're feeling up to it, insert sausage patties or bacon on top of the cheese), and you've got yourself the perfect breakfast.
	The Pizza Bagel – What genius thought to combine New York's two great culinary claims to fame? And we can give a shout-out to Chicago while we're at it since a pizza bagel is offically deep dish. Toast your bagel, top with marinara and mozzarella, toast some more to melt the cheese. This one can be as simple or fancy as you want it: add some fresh parmigiano-reggiano, asiago, fontina, or any other cheese you like. Basil, oregano, anchovies, pineapple: the possibilities are endless.
	The Elvis Bagel – There's something magical about peanut butter and banana. Sometimes I sit with a banana and a jar of chunky peanut butter and enact my very own spread, bite, spread, bite, spread, bite ritual. Put it on a bagel, and you've got a meal. Toast your bagel, let it cool a little (you don't want your pb melting), spread with the pb and top with banana slices. If you're feeling a little crazy, sprinkle on some bacon bits, as the King himself sometimes did. Try cashew or almond butter for a twist.
	The Nutella Bagel – Simple, but oh so good. The first time I had Nutella, back in the sixth grade, it was so exotic. I had a friend who went to Holland frequently, and she'd always bring back jars of the stuff. Now, this chocolate-hazelnut spread is everywhere, including my pantry. Try it on top of a chocolate-chip or cinnamon bagel for an extra sweet treat.
	The Cinnamon-Sugar Bagel – I must admit, this one's a bit nostalgic. When I was growing up, we always had a little Tupperware container of cinnamon-sugar mixture in the pantry, at the ready for my dad's perfect cinnamon toast. It transfers quite nicely to a bagel: Spread each bagel half with a generous amount of butter. Top with cinnamon-sugar mixture (about two parts sugar to one part cinnamon), toast until the topping gets bubbly and crunchy. Enjoy!

Welcome to The Friday 5, where each week, we'll offer up a 100% unscientifically compiled Top 5 list of Jewish culinary treats, meats, feats...you get the picture. Topics will range from the best desserts to kosher kitchen faux pas, so stay tuned. Don't agree with the list, or have more to add? Challah back in comments.

Top 5 Jewish Desserts:

The Black and White Cookie: The black and white cookie may be indigenous to New York, and non-Jewish, New York baked-good buffs may regard it as the city's cookie, but let's get real: The black and white is a Jewish dessert, all the way. Even Jerry Seinfeld has expounded upon the ideal way to eat one: "The thing about eating the Black and White cookie, Elaine, is you want to get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet somehow racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie all our problems would be solved."

Rugelach: Ah, the ubiquitous, inescapable rugelach, without which no Shabbat oneg (or any oneg, for that matter) would be complete. These little rolled cookies are Ashkenazic in origin, and can be filled with anything from chocolate, to raisins and nuts, to fruit preserves. Fun fact: Rugelach translates to "little twists" in Yiddish.

Hamantashen: Some say that these three-cornered pastry delights are called Hamantashen ("Haman's pocket") in reference to the infamous Purim villain. Others argue that the word is actually a corruption of the Yiddish "montashn," which translates to poppyseed-filled pouches. I say, who cares? Whatever you call them, these things are frickin' delicious, whether they're filled with poppyseeds, or lekvar, or apricot, or...

Halvah: Easily the most "ethnic" dessert on our list, halvah is a popular sweet from Turkey to India, Bulgaria to Israel, and many other places in between. Ingredients differ from place to place, and the traditionally "Jewish" kind (at least, the kind I grew up feasting on) is made with sesame seeds (surprise!). The dry but sticky, flaky but chewy confection is unlike anything else I've ever tasted.

Sufganiyot: Last, but certainly not least, the lauded sufganiyah - AKA jelly donut - paraded out at Hanukkah, but delicious any time of year. Are you ready for this Israeli jelly?