Dr. Leonard FelderTo thine own self be true. But can you do that while still being a valued part of the wider community? Or must you always sacrifice your own inclinations and desires to fit in? For anyone who has ever felt like an outsider at work, in groups, in school, or even in your own extended family, help is on the way. Bestselling author Leonard Felder, PhD, has written the first book with advice on how to be successful personally and professionally when you think differently, live differently, create differently, or solve problems differently than those around you. 

This wise and perceptive guide is neither about withdrawing into isolation and passivity, nor about spending every waking hour battling with others. Rather, it’s about choosing wisely when to speak your truth and saying it in a way that gets positive results. Dr. Felder shows exactly how creative, thoughtful, unique individuals can survive and thrive in situations that used to make them shut down or retreat into a shell. He provides actual examples from his own practice and precise techniques that will assure your good ideas, outsider perspective, and innovative solutions are respected and taken seriously, even by rigid people. 

Both inspiring and practical, it offers soothing balm and useful answers for everyone who heard too often during adolescence or young adulthood that “you just don’t fit in”—and for the ones who love and counsel them, too. Even more important, it reveals how the very qualities that made you different can become your greatest strengths and most important gifts to the world.

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in is Overrated, spent the last week blogging for Jewcy.  In that time, he suggested that Jews should take a second look at McCain and Palin before getting deeper into bed with them, congratulated those of us who have strayed from the Jewish path in search of deeper enlightenment, offered his insights on how to stay healthy, positive, and persistent when your good ideas are being opposed or dismissed, reminded us how important our roots are, and told us all to stop being such damn people-pleasers.  Want more?  Check out his excellent book.

Under every family treeHave you ever met someone whose amazing courage to be authentic and decent gave you extra courage to be authentic and decent in your own life?

I was 22 and had recently graduated from Kenyon College in Ohio when I got my first grown-up job in the Research Department of Doubleday Publishing in New York.  Among the many assignments in that job, the one I enjoyed most was attending meetings for an upcoming book from a man who had worked many years in the Coast Guard before trying to break in as a writer.  His name was Alex Haley and he'd signed a contract with Doubleday twelve years earlier to research and write a nonfiction account of how his ancestors were taken from Africa and eventually became his grandmother's family in Tennessee.  He'd been researching the details for twelve years because the story of his "roots" was much more complicated and intense than he'd ever imagined.

During one of those meetings, a heated discussion arose between several of the corporate "suits" and this one courageous writer.  The "suits" were insisting that the book would only do well with African-American readers and a small percentage of whites.  The courageous writer explained that this was not just a black story but essentially the longing of every individual to find out who you are, where you come from, and what is your soul's journey in life.   

Alex Haley said something at one of those meetings where he was severely outnumbered by corporate "suits" that I will never forget.  He leaned forward with that compelling expression on his face and said, "There are two things that I keep in mind and that help me stay true to who I am.  The first is that I am not a slave to money.  I do what I do because that's exactly what my soul is telling me I need to be exploring and learning." 

You have to understand that in the modern world of publishing, you don't often hear someone saying he doesn't care about money.  It was completely silent now in the meeting room.  Then the silence was broken by Haley's slow but deliberate speech.  He said: 

"The second thing that helps me keep my sanity is that I believe if you tell the truth and you do it with grace and respect for the person who is hearing your truth, some amazing things can happen.  Just like the Bible says 'the truth shall set you free,' so have I found that there is a mysterious power in seeking the truth, speaking the truth, and risking everything for the truth.  Living that way brings me more joy than focusing on dollars or the approval of others."

When he stopped talking, there was silence again.  But his passionate words have stuck in my head ever since.  I'll admit I worry about financial security as much as the next person.  But I also began to consider the freedom and the personal integrity I saw in Alex Haley.  It made me wonder what it would mean in each of our lives to have a stronger sense of truth in our daily interactions, our business dealings, our government policies, and our connection to other people and the living things of this world?

You probably know that Haley's book Roots sold millions of copies and inspired every ethnic group (including Jews, Irish, Italians, Latinos, and many others) to dig deeper and rediscover the wisdom and courage of their ancestors.  In my own life, I have a little voice in the back of my head whenever I am sitting in a business meeting or a non-profit volunteer gathering and the question arises of whether we should cut corners and sell out a bit.  I always hear Haley's voice reminding me that "there is a mysterious power in seeking the truth and living that way brings me more joy than focusing on dollars or the approval of others."

Alex Haley is one of a dozen famous people profiled in my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED:  The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider.  (The others include "community organizer" Betty Friedan, director Ang Lee, singer/songwriter Macy Gray, environmentalist Andy Lipkis, and others).  Each of these vulnerable and compassionate people has inspired me because they found a way to put truth and healing ahead of approval-seeking and easy riches.

We live in a very impatient and greedy time in human history.  So each of us needs role models who were able to step off the rat race and they found a profoundly decent and empowering way to make a difference in the world.  I hope you find those role models in your own life, as well as the joy of knowing that you are living in the mysterious power of "emet/truth." 

(For more information about how to nourish your soul by honoring what makes you different or unique, log onto www.fittinginisoverrated.com)

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he'll be here all week. Stay tuned.

Galileo: told you soIn 1992, exactly 350 years after Galileo died under house arrest and suffered excommunication for saying the Earth might be revolving around the sun, the church in Rome apologized.  "You were right, we were a little slow to catch on," they essentially said.

So have any of your good ideas been thwarted or ignored by certain keepers of the status quo?   Maybe it's a creative idea that has been too scary or innovative for those who like to keep repeating what's already been tried.  Or maybe it's a creative solution to a problem that needs fixing where you work, where you go to services, or even in your own extended family. 

We Jews are supposed to be repairing the world--globally, locally, and even in our own complicated families.  But how do you stay healthy, positive, and persistent when your good ideas are being opposed or dismissed by the powerful insiders who don't like anyone shaking things up on their familiar turf? 

In my new book FITTING IN IS OVERRATED: The Survival Guide for Anyone Who Has Ever Felt Like an Outsider, I describe several practical steps and the most effective strategies (from Jewish, psychological, and management teachings) for bringing about positive changes in a hesitant group, organization, club, social gathering, or family situation. These steps include:

HAVING THE HUMILITY TO KNOW YOU ARE BUT A GRAIN OF SAND AND ALSO THE SELF-AWARENESS TO KNOW THAT THE ENTIRE WORLD IS DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSISTENT ACTIONS.  One of the greatest teachings in Judaism comes from the Talmud and it says that we need to carry at all times both the humility of our smallness and fragility, as well as the bold courage and strength of our being important partners in the ongoing creation and repair of the world.  Remembering both of those parts of who you are during a stressful power struggle at work, in a group, or with your family can help you from falling into the traps of being too arrogant or self-righteous, as well as reminding you never to give up on a cause that is worth pursuing because the world needs your outsider insights on how to repair that particular situation.

FINDING ONE OR TWO ALLIES AMONG THE POWERFUL INSIDERS WHO ARE OPEN TO CHANGE.  In Judaism the struggle for women's rights and gay rights took hold when powerful allies began to speak up on behalf of those who had been marginalized or excluded for centuries.  It doesn't take a quick majority for change to occur, but rather it requires some persistent outsiders and a few courageous insiders who are willing to risk their own credibility and start including the research, ideas, voices, and win-win solutions from the outsiders who long to be included.  If someone in your temple, your workplace, your neighborhood, or your family has been feeling like an outsider and you are the possible bridge who can help them be heard, make sure you use your power for good this year.  Or if you are the marginalized outsider in a slow-to-change organization or family situation, please stop hitting your fragile head against the wall long enough to sit down and have a few supportive lunches with the few courageous insiders who might be willing to be your future ally.  You don't have to do it all by yourself, especially if someone on the inside has the heart and wisdom to appreciate the merits of what you know must be changed and improved.

TREATING EVEN THE PERSON WHO IS OPPOSING YOU AS A HOLY SPARK OF THE DIVINE (even if their holy sparks are deeply hidden under some rigid personality traits).  One of the best ways to come up with win-win solutions and better teamwork in a slow-to-change organization or family situation is to surprise your opposition by the decency and integrity of your approach.  Rather than demonizing the other person or gossiping about him or her, our Jewish teachings from the Torah and the Musar tradition from the 19th century of how to walk-the-walk say that you will be more successful if you treat each human being as containing sparks of holiness and glimpses of the Divine. 

I think of recent incidents in which Israelis, Palestinians, and Arab leaders were finally sitting down together to talk respectfully about water shortages and how to revive the Jordan River, the Dead Sea, and the fragile water distribution systems of the Middle East.  I think of recent moments when people from the pro-choice movements and the pro-life movements sat down together to talk about pro-active ways to reduce unwanted pregnancies and positive ways to prevent AIDS through finally talking about condoms and safer sex.  I think of synagogues and temples where hawks and doves recently sat down together respectfully to discuss the fact that they were both lovers of Israel and that their clashing styles were each necessary to keep our beloved Israel balanced and strong.  I think of families in my counseling office where instead of screaming at one another or retreating into resentful silences, they engaged in a healthy family discussion of how to respect and include the family members who are rebellious, different, or formerly excluded.

It takes a lot of persistence and a lot of subtle people skills to get things done in this world.  So if you have a creative project, a work situation, a social dilemma, or a family conflict that needs excellent strategic moves right now, don't revert to your old ways.  Find a book, a teacher, a coach, or a friend who can keep you on track to bring out your best efforts for overcoming the hesitance of the slow-to-change keepers of the status quo.  It can be done, but not if we just revert back to self-righteous anger or old-school resentments and bickering.  

(For more information on creative methods for being a more effective change-agent in all areas of your life, see www.fittinginisoverrated.com)

Dr. Leonard Felder, author of Fitting in Is Overrated, is guest blogging on Jewcy, and he'll be here all week. Stay tuned.