MaNishtana Fact No. 11: I'm a big fan of Aquaman.

Not so much the costume but the character. I think he's highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential because it's easier to write him off as a third string character. But the dude is the King Arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish...Of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesn't really work so much in real life. Fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. That's why they die if you put too much food in the water: they've literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. So with a power to command fish you'd really end up getting nowhere:

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: You! Fish! Come here!

Fish: Sure!

Aquaman: Black Manta has a bomb. I need you to--

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: Yes, hi, great. Look, you're gonna have to swim down to the--

Fish: Oh wow! Hi Aquaman!

Aquaman: Ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

Fish: Sure thing Aquaman!

Aquaman: Good. Now the fuse line is--

Fish: Hi Aquaman!

See? Kind of a useless power. The kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the Jewish people:

Israel: Yay! 10 plagues! You rock Moses!

Moses: Great! But let's hurry cuz Egypt is on our backs right now.

Israel: What? Why is egypt trying to kill us? Why don't you ever do anything GOOD for us Moses? We hate you!

Moses: Uh, what? Ok, nevermind. Quick into the sea that's splitting over here!

Israel: Excellent! Moses you're the best!

Moses: Um...Thank yo--

Israel: Hey you got any water?

Moses: Not...Not on me right now, n--

Israel: You suck Moses! I don't know we ever listened to you!

Moses: What the f...*ahem*...Ok look, I threw some wood into this pond here. Drink.

Israel: Dude! That's why you're the man Moses!

Moses: Are you...Are you guys really okay? Cuz it--

Israel: OMG Moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

Moses: How are you even---

Israel: Ooh! Quails!

Moses: Okay, I'm really not--

Israel: Seriously Moses, we're HUNGRY!

Moses: You can't be ser--

Israel: Ooh! Manna!

Moses: Honestly, this is just ridic--

Israel: Got any water Moses?

Moses: But you just HAD--

[Punches a rock]

Moses: HERE! Here's your water!

Israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: Heeeey Moses...Can I talk to you over here?

Moses: Sure.

Gd: Yeah...I'm gonna need you to not do that again.

Moses: No problem.

Gd: Good. Cuz, like, I will seriously kill you if you do that again.

Moses: Never happen again.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So, after Pharaoh's back and forth yo-yo game with Moses, Egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including Death of the Firstborn.  Not sure if anyone realizes, but Death of the Firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. And I say this not because of the obvious "death" part [or b/c im a firstborn myself--shout-out to all my Erev Pesach siyum heads] but because Death of the Firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[Audience applause]

Maury: Welcome back. Now this is Imhotep and Anck-su-namun. Imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son Mathayus may be child of another man.  But his wife Anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little Mathayus is his.  Let's hear your side of the story Imhotep.

Imhotep: See, I'm an overseer, right? I spent a lot of time out of the house whipping Hebrew slaves.  It's my job, y'know? I'm just tryna take of my family, so I'm out of the house a lot.  Then Moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there's nothing for the slaves to do and I'm out of a job. So I come home early and I see this Ardeth Bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

Anck-su-namun: Oh you STILL on that? It ain't even like that. You just need to care of yo responsibilities. This is YO child!

[Audience applause]

Imhotep: Whatever! Whatever! You don't KNOW me!

Maury: So Imhotep, look at little Mathayus there.

[Picture of Mathayus appears on screen]

[Audience "awww"s]

Maury: Why would anyone wanna deny that child?

Imhotep: Well, see, I THOUGHT he was my son.  But then I come home after that whole Death of the Firstborn plague, all depressed, right? And Mathayus is still alive. What the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

Anck-su-namun: Look, I don't even know why we here. I told you Horus was watching over him.

Imhotep: Please, that's that [bleep].

Maury: Well I've got the paternity test results right here and we're gonna get to the bottom of this.

[Audience applause]

Maury: Imhotep...In the case of  3 yr old Mathayus...You are NOT the father!

[Imhotep jumps up, Anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

Imhotep: I TOLD you! I TOLD you!

 

see? keeps on giving.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

I gotta tell you: Pharaoh is probably the worst person in the world to order lunch with. Or do anything with really.  So Moses comes and is like "Dude, I'm gonna hit you with blood." Pharaoh's like "bet". Moses hits him with blood. Pharaoh's all like "Whoooa, this ish is real! Make it stop and imma let your people go." Moses makes the blood go away. Pharaoh's like "Nahh, not really though."

Now take this and rinse, lather, and repeat for frogs, lice, wild beasts, pestilence, boils, hail, and Jonas Brothers.  If this is how annoyingly indecisive he was with the craziest supernatural bad mojo known to man happening to him, imagine how maddening he would be to deal with for something as mundane as, oh, ordering a pizza with friends or something:

Imhotep: Yo Pharaoh, we're ordering pizza. You in?

Pharaoh: Sure. Lemme get some pineapples on my side.

Anck-su-namun: That sounds good. I'll get pineapple too.

Pharaoh: Pineapple? I want extra cheese.

Anck-su-namun: But you just said pineapple.

Pharaoh: Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Imhotep: And here we go. You always do this!

Pharaoh: Do what?

Imhotep: Every four seconds with you, you're changing your mind.  The hell, man?

Anck-su-namun: And before the food even get here lemme tell you: Yes. I want all of my food. Not some of it. I'm not gonna eat the pizza and fries and you take the soda. I am eating it all.

Pharaoh: So what do I get out of this then?

Anck-su-namun: What do you get out of not trying to get some of my food? You get me not kicking your ass. Does that work for you? Not getting your ass kicked?

Imhotep: Ok, look, let's not even get into that right now. The total is $27.85, so that's like $9.30 a person.

Pharaoh: Well I don't have anything on me right now, but if you pay for it for me, I'll promise to pay you back.

Imhotep: ...Right. Just like you promised I could borrow that Black Eye Peas album if I helped you move, right? But then I did it, and you were like you changed your mind?

Pharaoh: I don't know what you're talking about.

Imhotep: You don't know what I'm talking about.

Pharaoh: I don't know what you're talking about.

Anck-su-namun: Hey, how bout if you shut up I promise to not kick your ass, but then I kick it anyway?

Alright, step up folks, come one, come all, to the beginning of the book of the Bible most notorious for spawning horribly realized film adaptations.

Yep, you know its true.  Even DeMille's "Ten Commandments"-clearly the best of the bunch-can't seem to get it all right. [Aside, of course, from casting Vincent Price as "Nameless Egyptian Overseer Who Inaccurately Whips Joshua For Some Reason", when he would've been better served as "Abiram" to Edward G Robinson's "Dathan".]

Anyhoo, its maddening b/c the material IS ALL RIGHT THERE! All you have to do is pretty much scribble "Enter Moses, stage right" in the margins of the page and BAM!, you've got your script. But no, Hollywood always has to screw things up to add "spice" like:

1-Putting Moses in line for the throne. What? Where did you even read that? Pharoah didnt adopt Moses.  Pharoah's daughter did. In a society where inheritance lines are male oriented, how would he even be in line?

2-Not making Moses 80. Even though it clearly says that Moses was 80. [ex 7:7. Sure thats a lil bit ahead, but whatever]. Movies seem to insist on either having him be some youngish rebel [Prince of Egypt, the atrocious "Moses" mini series on ABC], or they have him be young, trip out on some shrooms while talking to the burning bush, and come down randomly old [Ten Commandments].

3-Having him be former besties with the future pharoah as a young 'un, thereby putting them in conflict when Moses comes to free his people. This is kind of an offshoot of the "he's 80″ problem. Even if Moses WAS besties with the soon-to-be pharoah, said pharoah was long gone by the time Moses came back nearly SIXTY years later.

4-Moses talks to Pharaoh. Like, the entire Burning Bush episode is about how Moses DOESN'T want to talk to Pharaoh. The entire POINT of Aaron coming along is to talk to Pharaoh FOR Moses. SO WHY DOES EVERY MOVIE HAVE MOSES TALKING TO PHARAOH WHILE AARON JUST STANDS THERE AS A PROP MAN??

5-Miriam never seems to exist. Her whole deal is the Song of the Sea and, yknow, THE WELL OF MIRIAM. Not only haveIi never seen Miriam show up for the Sea song [except for Prince of Egypt] but I've also never seen her Well.

C'mon people. Get it together.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of Genesis and Jacob says goodbye to his sons. But first, Jacob-being the excellent practical joker that he is-decides to give Joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing Joseph's sons, placing his right hand on Ephraim, the younger, and his left on Manasseh, the older. Jacob, you sir, are a riot:

Joseph: Um, Dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

Jacob: I know.

Joseph: Then why did you switch h-

Jacob: Oh, I like Ephraim more.

Joseph: You...

[Joseph has mild panic attack.]

Joseph: You LIKE Ephraim more...but...

Jacob: Actually, look in that closet over there? I've got this GREAT coat I'd think he'd like.

[Joseph starts hyperventilating.]

Joseph: But with the slavery...and the...

Jacob: No, it's cool. I just think th-BWAHAHAHA...

[Jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. Joseph faints of stress.]

Jacob: Oh gosh...I almost had it there...Whoo...If I could see the look on your face...

 

Anyhoo, after that Jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when Zordon bestows the zords and morphers on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. Jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which Esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. Joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of "Genesis" is brought to close with Joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of Egypt and back to Israel.

 

Chazak Chazak V'nitchazek

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

Previously on "Joseph: The Series"...

Joseph: No! Don't sell me!

Judah: Sell him.

*****

Jacob: My son! My son is gone!

Reuben: I TOLD you guys not to sell him!

*****

Potiphar: Welcome to Egypt, Joseph. I appoint you head of my household affairs.

*****

Potiphar: Throw him in jail!

****

Butler: Great Pharoah, while in jail I came across this Hebrew youth who could interpret dreams with startling accuracy.

Pharaoh: Then bring him forward!

*****

Pharoah: I crown you viceroy, Joseph.

*****

Jacob: Why are you sitting here? We need food! Go to Egypt and get some!

Let's face facts: a ton of Jews celebrate Christmas. Half of all Jews are in interfaith relationships. And many other Jews of the more "secular" flair choose Christmas because of its connection to Americanism (such was the case of Irving Berlin who wrote the song "White Christmas" despite being Jewish and an uber-Zionist to boot).

The Hasidim teach that the spark of G_d is everywhere. So is it possible that HaShem is in Christmas as well? Yes, Virginia, the G_d of Israel can be found in the dreary haze of post-Chanukah Red and Green retail.

The Jewish values of Christmas are:

Family: Jews are the world's smallest extended family. And although we may not agree on everything, we respect and celebrate each other as spiritual kin. This is the greatest theme of Christmas; people coming together as one to celebrate the end of the year, to renew family traditions, to patch up old grievances and party it up.

Giving: many families are going without this year. Holidays make us more aware of the abundance that we have and remind us of the less fortunate. There is no holiday in the Jewish lexicon that prevents someone from giving tzedakah. And by dropping a coin in the Salvation Army box, buying pre-bagged canned goods at the grocery for a hungry family or throwing an action figure in the Toys For Tots bin, one is committed to the greatest Jewish value: Tikkun Olam, repairing the world.

Reverence: while Christmas reveres the birth of a man that we do not consider holy, remember that the Torah tells us that all good people, regardless of their background, have a place in the World To Come. Reverence does not have to be culturally fixated. I revere Gandhi, but I am not a Hindu. I revere Martin Luther King, and I am not black. As for Jesus, I can revere a man who wanted to care for the sick and open Judaism up to the gentiles, even if I don't believe he was the Messiah and fear the violence against the Jews that has been committed in his name. 

So "Gut Yontif" to my fellow Jews who find themselves wiping the menorah candle wax off their table to make room for Christmas cookies. Find a way to bring HaShem into this time and take pride in this very important fact: most egg nog is OU Kosher! 

Last week on "Joseph: The Series" [Yep, I'm running this soap opera trope to the ground. Hopefully you've all recovered from last week's drinkalong], Joseph tells Pharoah's Butler to remember him. Which, of course, he doesnt. [drink].

Meanwhile, apparently Pharoah's Dealer gives him some bad stuff, leading to Pharoah having crazy dreams about sevens, cows, and grain, and thereby making Pharoah the first first person to experience the munchies as they were high. Pharoah is still flipping out on his bad trip and making everyone worried when: enter Butler's selective memory. We slip back into soap opera/fairytale mode as Joseph can correctly interpret the dream, wins Pharoah's heart, goes from rags to riches, and gets the girl.

In "meanwhile, back at the ranch"-style, we're reminded that everyone back home thinks Joseph is fairly completely dead. Also, it's famine time, during which the brothers apparently spend all their time sitting around looking at each other, which completely pisses the crap out of Jacob. [Although, to be fair, that would be fairly maddening to experience even if there weren't a famine or a dead/missing son in the equation.] Off the brothers go to Egypt where [dun!dun!dun!] Joseph awaits. In an effort to "better" them and "help them atone for selling him" [uh huh. Alright Joseph. We'll buy your story] Joseph gives his bros the royal jerk around with prison stays, spy accusations, and other tactics brought to you by McCarthy and the fine people at Guantanamo Bay. He sends them home and tells them not to come back unless they also bring their youngest brother Benjamin with them [who sat out on this little road trip].

The brothers go back home with the food, totally flip out when they see their money is right back in their bags, and tell Jacob they cant go back for more unless they bring Benjy with them. Jacob says hell no...then three stomach growls later says okay, fine. So everybody ends up back in Egypt and Joseph holds a feast for them where he catches up, laughs a little, cries a little, pops some Zoloft, and sends everybody home after hiding his cup in Benjy's bag.

When the brothers discover the cup in Benjy's bag, it's right back to Egypt [Honestly, I think Fellowship of the friggin RING did less walking back and forth than these guys] where Joseph declares that the rest of the brothers can go free...except for the cup thief. Since up until now the bros were okay with Joseph's treatment because they figured they deserved it, once Benjy starts getting flak--the only one NOT involved in the Joseph Liquidation Sale--Judah figures enough is enough, and as Joseph's servants roll out the carbonite machine, Judah steps to Joseph and--THEN IT ENDS.  RIGHT THERE!

A cliffhanger?? Really?? What, is it sweeps week up there? Trying to keep the angels at the edge of their seats? Thats like if  "The Two Towers" ended just when the Rohirrim show up at Helm's Deep!  How can you just

Ok. So maybe not everyone wants to admit that Jews run the media. But I think we can all agree that Jews definitely run Hollywood. And the reason for that is because we've been nursed on apocalyptic world ending/changing Michael Emmerich/Roland Bay adventures and outlandish, improbable Susan Lucci-esque dramas since childhood as evidenced right here, this week, when Gd creates the soap opera as we know it. No seriously.

See, I'm guessing since the Torah hadn't been given yet and all, that the angels had pretty much absolutely nothing to do with their time, and had taken to randomly running up and down metaphysical staircases sprinkled in with the occasional instance of them running up on people in the middle of the night and fighting them. So Gd's all like, "Look, y'all need to calm that ish down" and to keep their attention occupied, creates "Joseph: The Series."

How can you say this isn't some soap opera type nonsense? Think of all the convoluted extended storyline, side character stories, lost sibling, mistaken identity, sibling rivalry, secret lover, illicit affair, wrongly accused/imprisoned underdog, rags to riches, supernatural ability, knockdown drag out fist fights of anything on Days Of Our Lives and it can't hold a candle to the next few weeks we have ahead of us. In fact, let's make a drinking game out of this and take a shot for every soap-opera trope. First one to die of alcohol poisoning loses:

In this thrilling premiere episode, Joseph, the "spoiled" nearly youngest son [drink] of Jacob's most beloved dead wife [drink] who has the power of prophetic dreams [drink] is sold into slavery by his envious siblings [drink]. At first they intend to kill him, but Joseph finds an unlikely ally [drink] in Reuben who says to spare his life. Reuben then makes a big show of leaving with the secret intention of returning to rescue Joseph from the pit [drink]. The brothers sell Joseph, Reuben returns just in time to be too late [drink], the brothers deceive their father into thinking his favorite son is dead [drink], and the brothers vow never to reveal their dark family secret [drink]. Joseph ends up being bought in Egypt by Pharoah's damn near right hand man [drink], Potiphar.

Meanwhile [drink], Judah has an affair with his daughter in law [drink], gets her pregnant [drink], marries her [drink], and has twins [drink].

Returning to the main storyline in Egypt [drink], Joseph impresseses his new boss Potiphar so much that he's appointed head of the household [drink]. But Potiphar is out of the house a lot on work and doesnt have any time for his wife [drink], so Potiphar's wife waits till everyone is out of the house [drink] and tries seducing Joseph [drink] who runs out of the house so fast that he leaves behind the incriminating evidence of his robe [drink]. Joseph is then wrongfully sent to jail [drink] where he charms the warden into making him the inside boss of the prison [drink]. Whilst in prison Joseph uses his dream powers [drink] to tell Pharoah's butler and baker their fates. True to Joseph's word [drink], the baker is sentenced to death and the butler is set free.

Will the butler remember Joseph?

Find out next week!

[drink]

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

So does anyone else wonder why Lavan takes it so personally after Jacob just up and books?  I know I do.  I mean, did Lavan forget their first meeting? Forget the fact that Jacob had to send him a coded message which essentially translated to "anything you can do I can do better," when Jacob first shows up in Aram--fresh from having been robbed along the way and pushing a huge stone of a well--Lavan greets him...Then, as the midrash tells us, Lavan is disappointed that Jacob has no gifts and wealth with him [Remember, Lavan was around for Eliezer's "Prince Ali" routine for Rebecca] and, on a hunch that Jacob is hiding it on his person, proceeds to fondle and kiss Jacob to find the treasure...Right.  Looking for Jacob's "jewels." No kidding.

One: I've always assumed that pushing a rock off the mouth of a well was exhausting work.  Well, it's obviously more exhausting than I thought since it apparently leaves you completely powerless to defend against YOUR UNCLE SHOVING HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH. Two: No wonder Jacob got the hell outta dodge the first chance he got.  Lavan was apparently one of "those" uncles.  Y'know.  The "let's play in Uncle Touchy's Naked Basement of Shame" kinda uncles.

Excellent.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

And this week we have the parsha on the forefather with the worst PR agent in the history of the Bible. Not only does Isaac only squeeze out just one section, but his spotlight gets stolen halfway through by Jacob and Esau. I mean think about it. You say Abraham and you think, "Oh yeah, the first dude. The dude that circumcises himself. The dude in the furnace. The dude who sacrifices his kid. The dude with the three angels." Say Jacob: "Right! He was the dude with the evil twin! And the twelve kids. And the birthright trick. And the goat trick. And opened some whupass on an angel." But Isaac? "Uh...that guy who got tied to a rock...And, oh yeah, he didn't know his kid was evil."

Although to be fair, Isaac grew up in Abraham's home where he didn't really see people be shady. [Except, y'know, that whole deal where Ishmael would shoot arrows at him and call it "playing", but apparently that was completely forgotten water under the bridge.] But Rebecca was on point, because she, unlike Isaac, grew up in what was apparently Biblical Compton:

Rebecca: What're you doing over, Esau?

Esau: Yes, mother?

Rebecca: Don't gimme that "Yes Mother" bullsh*t, mother*cker. I axed you what your @ss was up to.

Esau: But why would you speak to me thusly?

Rebecca: Aight look. First, cut this Shakespeare bullsh*t. Second, I seent you n***a, aight? That ish might fly with Isaac, but don't bring that this way, na mean? I smoked tougher gangstas than you, aight? Back in my hood, you woulda been iced in a camel-by with the quickness, ya feel me?

And that's why Isaac loved Esau, but Rebecca loved Jacob. Also, everyone talks about how Jacob was a trickster. But if Isaac grew up in vanilla-land with Abraham, where did Jacob get all tricksy from? I think Rebecca was teaching him some hard street lessons on the low, na mean? I mean, that birthright hustle he pulled on Esau?

Continue reading...

Well, after last week's virtual cornucopia of cannon fodder, we're left with fairly slim pickings this week, what with Sarah dying and Abraham buying the Cave Machpelah [haggling yet again].  But, for all those people who hate reality TV and/or Disney fairytale stories, we have the Eliezer/Isaac/Rebecca story.  Just think "The Bachelor" mixed with equal parts "Aladdin" with a dash of "Cinderella" for good measure. 

I mean, really, didn't Eliezer seriously show up at Rebecca's all Prince Ali Ababwa style?  With, like, gold noserings and bracelets, camels, quite possibly a magic carpet, fifty elephants, lions galore, bears and tigers, a brass band and more, forty fakirs and cooks and bakers and birds that warble on key?  [By the way, yes I said "gold nose ring", to all those people shaking their heads at the crazy piercings that are all the rage with the kids nowadays].  But anyways, was her family really surprised when she decided to bounce the next day?  I mean, aside from the wealth just leaking from Eliezer's eyes [and remember, he was just the servant], just the day before Rebecca was apparently the water-fetcher-girl of the household.  Agreeing to marry this mysterious "Isaac" dude was obviously a step up from her current situation.  Then again, maybe Rebecca was the passive-aggressive, femme fatale type...Now that you mention it, her dad Bethuel mysteriously dies...Rebecca is the sole overseer of the household's water supply...She doesn't stay around for the funeral....Hmm...You'd better look out, Eliezer.  Something tells me you're gonna dearly pay for that whole "give me and my camels some water" ploy...Oh look.  You've disappeared from the Bible after you bring Rebbeca to Isaac...

Kinda makes that scene where Rebecca covers her face when she sees Isaac approaching seem that much creepier, huh.

Also, Abraham stars in "How Abie Got His Groove Back," shacks up with Keturah, and has himself some more kids.  Take that, Viagra.

 

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

Genesis 12:1 begins the story of the birth of the Jewish nation, and it is a rather unusual birth. God commands Avram: "Go for yourself (Lech Lecha) from your land, from your relatives, and from your father's house to the land that I will show you." We read no theology, see no miracles and receive no proof of God's existence. God simply tells Avram to go on a journey.The command itself is also unusual: Lech Lecha, "Go for yourself." The Torah could have simply used the single word Lech, "Go," and identify where Avram was coming from and where he was headed. It is unnecessary to add the word Lecha, "for yourself." The word Lecha seems superfluous and somewhat awkward. It is more logical to say, simply, "Go." Why Lech Lecha? Perhaps because the Torah teaches us that Avram's journey is a journey of self, not simply of geography. God does not just tell Avram to go on a physical journey, but commands Avram to go on a spiritual journey as well. When God says Lech Lecha, "Go for yourself," God commands Avram to begin a journey to try to understand God.

The entire story of Torah is the story of journey. We see it in the narratives of each generation of the patriarchs and matriarchs. Skipping Yitzchak for now lets examine Rivkah. Rivkah is very comparable to Avraham. Her story can be found in Genesis 24-27. She journeys. Rivkah leaves her home and family to go to a new place. Due to Rivkah's journey she is the one who speaks to God directly. She also engineers the journey of the next generation, which brings us to Yaacov, Rachel and Leah. Yaacov's story begins in Genesis Chapter 25 and goes through the end of the book of Genesis. Yaacov is the paradigm for journey in the Torah. He journeys when he runs away from his brother Esau after stealing Esau's birthright. He journeys again when he runs away from his father-in-law Lavan who tricks him many, many times. He journeys to Egypt where he is re-united with his son Yoseph. All of these journeys are physical journeys but can be metaphorically seen as spiritual journeys. The theme of journey hits its crescendo in the Torah with the story of the Exodus from Egypt. It took the Jewish people forty years to travel from Egypt to Israel. This is an extraordinarily long time for even a large group traveling at a slow pace. A geographic journey, certainly, but the experiences that happened on that journey shaped the nature of the Jewish people.

We became the people we are today because of that journey, and the journey continues. It is the journey that creates meaning in Judaism. The journey takes place on a communal level, but it also must occur on an individual level as well. Lech Lecha, "Go for yourself." To emphasize this point of Lecha, "Yourself," we can now return to the story of Yitzchak. Yitzchak is the only one of our patriarchs who never leaves his home. He journeys neither literally nor metaphorically. There is a sense, when reading Yitzchak's story, that he has no ability to see beyond himself or his times. Genesis 27:1 describes Yitzchak with the words "And his eyes dimmed from seeing." It is a strange way of describing the loss of eyesight. It is as if to say that the events that Yitzchak saw in his life took his vision away. Perhaps the Torah is telling us that Yitzchak is not physically blind or that he is not just physically blind. The Torah is really telling us that Yitzchak lacks vision. Why does Yitzchak lack vision? Why is he never able to engage in a journey? Chapter 22 tells the story of the attempted sacrifice of Yitzchak by his father - now called Avraham. In the end, as we know, Avraham does not sacrifice Yitzchak. However, the experience has a profound effect on Yitzchak. At the end of the story, Avraham returns from the sacrifice. The Torah says nothing about Yitzchak's return. The story ends with the idea that on an allegorical level Yitzchak remains on the Sacrificial Alter for the rest of his life. The experience of near sacrifice stunts Yitzchak's ability to journey. We see how important it is for every person to engage in his or her own spiritual journey Lech Lecha, Go For Yourself. Perhaps the story of the attempted sacrifice of Yitzchak teaches us that that Yitzchak, rather than participating in his own journey, was enveloped in his father's journey.

Ultimately Avraham found his own way, but Yitzchak never really did. In The Guide To The Perplexed Maimonides questions why the Torah does not explain how Avraham comes to God. Different people come to God in different ways, and that if the Torah explained how Avraham, the person who brought monotheism to the world, came to God, following generations would conclude that Avraham's way is the only way. There is never only one way. Some come to God through logic, others through history, others through nature, and others through life events. We all must find our own way. Communities should offer many ways and approaches of looking and thinking about God. Communities that limit ways of understanding God, limit people and worse yet, limit God.

Look, yeah, I get it. Abraham, Isaac, Moses--all of them were much better people morally and spiritually than we are. But sometimes, they do things and its like, "Oh yeah. He's a dude." Like this week, for instance. Sarah isn't having kids, so she offers Abraham her maidservant, Hagar. One-Sarah is an awesome wife. Two-Yeah, Abraham's definitely a guy. I mean, who's really gonna say "no" to bringing in another chick? Did Sarah even get to finish the sentence?

Sarah: Look Abe, I'm not getting you any kids, so maybe you should take Hag--

Abraham: Done.

Like, no joke. This is a dude who talks to Gd, like, ALL the time asking about stuff. Am I gonna have a son? What does my descendants future look like? Should I listen to Sarah and send my son away?

But this?

Sarah makes the proposition in one verse, and in literally the next verse Abraham says yes. Not a pause, doesn't even break a sweat. But when Gd says, say, "I want you to circumcise yourself", Abraham heads over to his giant buddies Aner, Eshkol, and Mamre to get advice. Which was probably a very interesting conversation:

Aner: He wants you to do what?

Abraham: Yeah, G-d wants me to circumcise myself.

Eshkol: Seriously?

Abraham: Yup.

Mamre: Well, it's G-d and all, so I guess you should do it...But circumcise yourself? Have you seen what happens when people cut their own hair?

So yeah, pretty selective, that sly Abraham, on what does and doesn't need a second opinion. But well played, sir, on the handmaiden scenario. This is for you.

[slow clap]

Also, apologies to Jim Gaffigan.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]

"It's the end of the world as we know it, but I'm not feeling particularly fine."

Yep, in this parsha, G-d flips out Doug Ramsey style and orders the world to "Shut it down"! Of course, "shutting it down" in this case means "engulf the world in copious volumes of scalding water". Noah, his fam, and a choice few animals escape into the ark and survive the death and destruction going on outside to eventually build a new world. Crazy, right? I mean, the flood lasted for a whole year. A whole year in an ark with just your family?? Not to mention your wife [who, unless you're Ham, you're not getting any from] and a gajillion animals you've gotta feed. The midrash tells us that this one time? Noah showed up late to give the lion his food? And the lion just wilds out and slaps and/or bites him.

Well. No kidding!

I imagine that about six months in, things in the ark started turning sour a la "The Real World":

This is the true story...of 1.5 million species of animals...picked to live in an ark...survive the apocalypse together and have their lives hang in the balance...to find out what happens...when people stop being polite...and start getting real...

Noah: Hey lion.

Lion: Sup, man.

Noah: Things were crazy with the ostriches, but I got your...What?...What's that look for?

Lion: You know how long I've been sitting here waiting, man? Six hours.

Noah: Look, man, I'm sorry but-

Lion: Sorry? Oh you're sorry. You got me sitting up here next to these zebras all day, with no food, but you're sorry. Cuz that's really what I need to see when I'm dizzy from hunger--a bunch of black and white lines running back and forth all day long.

Noah: Well I already told you I can't do anything about the arrangement I--

Lion: Well you better do something, homey. Cuz if I hear one more thing from that damn deer over there talking about how I ate his daddy, imma--

Deer: But you did eat my pops, you--

Lion: SHUT THE [bleep] UP! IF I HEAR YOU [bleep] ABOUT THAT [bleep] ONE MORE [bleep] TIME, I SWEAR TO YHVH I'M GONNA BITE YOUR [bleep] HEAD OFF THE MOTHER[bleep] SECOND WE'RE OFF THIS BOAT--

Deer: Mother[bleep], WHAT?

Lion: WHAT? WHAT, Bambi?

Deer: BAMBI? I wish a mother[bleep] would.

Noah: Yo man, calm down! Just calm do-

Lion: Get the [BLEEP] off me you-

[Lion bites Noah]

Noah: [BLEEP]! That was my [bleep] LEG, man! [BLEEP]! What the [BLEEP] is wrong with you? [BLEEP]!

Lion: Yeah, well, I bet your @ss'll be here on time next time, won't it?

 

Craziness, right?

See, I'd rather not jump into the heavy controversial stuff my second blog in, but parshat Noach is here, and I'm here, so.... 

 "[Cham] emerged from the ark black-skinned, and all his descendants are also black forever" -The Midrash Says, copyright 1980.

Ahh, the good ol' "Hamitic myth."  Very multi-purpose, this one, capable of building bridges between Jews and Christians even, as not only was it the logic employed by European Christians in the face of slavery as justification for barbaric acts of subjugation, it is also one of the pillars behind the subversive culture of racism and condescension that lurks within the bowels of Judaism. 

For the uninitiated, the "Hamitic myth" or "Curse of Ham" is as follows: while in the ark, G-d commands that every being within refrain from marital relations with their spouses.  All comply with this command with the exception of the dog, the raven, and Ham.  The dog and raven receive punishments, and Ham, according to the most prevalent interpretations, has his skin turned black, and so all his descendants are black-skinned forever.  And so that, the story goes, is how negroes were born.  Alternatively, when Noah and family leave the ark, Noah plants a vineyard, gets plastered, and passes out, naked.  Ham happens to pass by and see naked, passed-out Noah, and commits acts [depending on the interpretation] ranging from doing up his dad, castrating him, or doing up his own mom.  Excellent.  Anyhoo, when Noah wakes up and gets caught up to speed, he curses Canaan, Ham's son, to forever be a slave to his brothers.  And that's why it's okay to make black people slaves.

Are you guys all still with me? Great.  Now pay attention.  This is where things get complicated.

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The Talmud Yoma [86b] says, "Great is teshuvah [repentance] for because of it zdonote [intentional sins] can be counted as zechuyote [merits counted in our favor when God judges us]."

How can this be?

You can do teshuvah, be forgiven, start fresh and do better in the future. Yes, teshuvah is a wonderful concept, but how can a sin be transformed into a merit? It is in the past. How do you change the past? To answer this question let's analyze the life and death of Moshe (Moses). One of the most perplexing questions about Moshe is why he dies before he enters the land of Israel?

A number of reasons have been given in the attempts to explain why Moshe was not permitted to enter the Land of Israel. One compelling reason is based on Numbers 20:7-13, in which Moshe is commanded by God to speak to a rock to get water. Instead of speaking as God commanded, Moshe hits the rock. For disobeying, Moshe is forbidden to enter Israel.

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In Numbers 25:6-13 the Kohain (Priest) Pinchas kills Zimri, a male Israelite, and Cozbi, a Midianite woman, stabbing them with a spear through their bellies while Cozbi and Zimri were having sexual relations in public - in front of Moses and the community at the entrance to the Ohel Moed, the Tent of Meeting of the Mishkan, the Tabernacle.

God gives Pinchas a bracha of shalom (a blessing of peace), and honors Pinchas with the promise that his descendants will form the line of the priesthood. God, it would appear, has rewarded Pinchas for his zealotry. For many of us, this is a difficult outcome to deal with. Rashi's commentary on Numbers 25:7 presents an even greater problem, saying that if a man "commits harlotry with an Aramean woman, zealous people have the right to strike him down."

With the Pinchas story as a backdrop, let's pose a general question. How do we deal with difficult texts in the Torah? Where do we look when certain parts of the Torah provide a stark contrast to 21st century values? How do we as a modern people deal with an ancient text?

First, the Torah is not "ancient." It has been around a long time but it is not ancient in any way. The Torah is as alive and as cutting edge today as it was when it first came into the world. However, for the Torah to be a living text that speaks to us today, we must continue to interpret and reinterpret its meaning. This is something we have always done.

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One of my favorite SNL characters is "Debbie Downer," who was played by Rachel Dratch during her tenure on the show. Debbie Downer, for those unfamiliar with the skits, always ruined people's birthdays and happy celebrations by bringing up bad news or scary statistics. Looking into this week's parashah, Behalotecha, we witness the entire tribe in full "Debbie Downer" mode, kvetching with the strength of Olympic athletes to Moses about of all things -- the lack of diversity in their diets. The Israelites cry to Moses about their cravings for the particular foods they sampled so readily in Egypt, "We remember the fish that we ate in Egypt free of charge, the cucumbers, the watermelons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic. But now, our souls are dried out, for there is nothing at all; we have nothing but manna to look at" (Numbers 11:5-6).

After reading the tribe's complaints to Moses, a reader is perplexed at the Israelites' critiques. The rabbis of our Jewish tradition teach that the Hebrew word for Egypt, Mitzrayim, connotes narrowness or restriction. In Egypt, the Israelites' lives were constricted both spiritually and physically. Not only were tribe members forbidden from worshipping God or practicing their religious customs and traditions, they were also vulnerable to physical abuse or death at the hands of their taskmasters.In the desert, it was a completely different story. During their journeys in the desert, the tribe witnessed the splitting of the Red Sea and received the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. These were just two of the many moments at which they felt a great spiritual connection to God. In Egypt, the Israelites often complained that they had felt abandoned by God during their suffering. However, in the desert, the tribe was shadowed by a special cloud which was dispatched by God. This special cloud guided them in the right direction during their travels and affirmed God's concern for the tribe's well-being. While it is certain that the tribe grew to like certain foods from their time in Egypt, they ate all of their meals in freedom during their travels in the desert. Instead of depending on their taskmasters for access to food or slaving away to produce Egyptian crops, the Israelites' basic human needs for nourishment were taken care of by God. They were sustained by a plentiful supply of manna, a special food source which was grinded to make cakes.  Although the people complained about the taste of the manna, rabbinic sources teach that the manna actually tasted like whatever a person desired. Even though the manna apparently did not taste like cucumbers, watermelons, leeks, onions, and garlic, it's important to remember the tribe still had access to hundreds of different tastes and textures!

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Tomorrow morning I’m giving the dvar Torah at my minyan. It won’t be about this week’s parsha, and among other things, it includes a brief excerpt from Merchant of Venice. Seriously.

Divrei Torah don’t have to be boring and obvious (‘Hey everybody, war is bad! The Torah says so! Shabbat Shalom. Adon Olam is on page 512’). If you’re into boring and obvious that’s cool, but if not, there are other ways to look at the weekly drash.
You Could Write A Dvar Torah: about The Clash!
Here’s my method for writing a rocking dvar:

Read through the parsha and wait for something that strikes you. If nothing does (and let’s face it, things get pretty slow for a while in Leviticus), try the haftarah portion. If there’s still nothing of interest, feel free to choose something from the siddur, or really any other place in the Torah that you want to talk about. Most people don’t actually care if the dvar Torah is on the weekly parsha, so if you’re dying to talk about Joseph but it’s July, don’t worry about it.

Identify at least one or two questions or ambiguities that you see in the text. If you have the means to read the commentaries yourself, it’s a good idea to see how classical commentators like Rashi, Abarbanel and Rambam have resolved the problem, if they see it all. If your Hebrew isn’t good enough to look at the commentators in the original and if you don’t have a translation available, try googling the chapter and verse using the Hebrew name for the book (“Bereshit 27:28”) or just try googling your question (Why are the people Joseph is sold to referred to as Midianites and then Ishmaelites?). More than likely you’ll be directed to some frum dvar Torah website that will give some traditional views on the problem. So now you’ve got your starting off point. But keep going. Think about how well the traditional commentaries satisfy your problem. Do you believe them? Do you think the problem maybe indicates something else was happening?

Now’s the fun part. Think back to other non-Judaic sources that might be relevant to the idea at hand. Maybe it reminds you of a newspaper article you once read, or a short story, poem, painting, piece of music, historical figure, or movie you’re familiar with. Try to narrow down the specific part of your new source that is relevant to the Judaic text. Maybe it’s agreeing with the original text, but more likely it’s providing a different take on the same idea. How does this new source make you think differently about what you read in the Torah?

If possible, I think it’s best to give people a source sheet with everything you’re referencing on it so they can follow along as you explain your new interpretation. At the end you don’t have to conclude with a pithy little lesson, but I do recommend at least reviwing what your original question or problem was, and then summarizing all sides of the dicussion.

Fun, right? You get to introduce people to ideas and sources that they might never have seen before, and that they might never have connected to Torah before. I’ve written divrei Torah that included pieces of John Donne’s Christian sermons, short shorts by Lydia Davis, and lyrics from a blues song by Son House. Sometimes I even read something so amazing that I think to myself, “Man, this should be in a dvar Torah!” And then I craft a dvar around it. Kind of sneaky, I know, but it usually comes out pretty well.

So give it a shot. You know how you’re always trying to get your girlfriend to listen to that Clash album, and she won’t because she says it’s loud and strange? If you can connect it to the splitting of the Red Sea, she might reconsider…