From: Elizabeth Wurtzel
To: Ben Karlin

This is a picture of my dog. I live with her. I do not live with the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates. I do not live with the 1986 New York Mets. I have never been a Communist. I have never voted for a Republican. Just thought you should know.

 

From: Ben Karlin
To: Elizabeth Wurtzel

I am really proud of the fact that I have no idea what a “Birkin bag” is. I assume it is a handbag and that it is not made by the same people who make the sandals. I think that’s "birken" – and I guess I am also proud I don’t know how to spell that....and am too lazy to take the 3.2 seconds to look it up on the computer.

In many respects, this is the equivalent of you not getting the 1979 Pittsburgh Pirates reference – which was a team known as “The Family.” They adopted Sister Sledge’s “We are Family” as their theme song and went on to win the World Series with Willie “Pops” Stargell and the pitcher with the baddest-ass looking glasses and delivery in baseball history.

Pitch-perfect: No athlete has ever again achieved such magnificent sunglasses I love that guy.

I am working on a movie right now and it’s about someone who lives in the shadow of his parent’s really bad divorce. Like, even though he is an adult and on his own, it still colors everything he does. And early on he brags to a friend about having never cheated on a girlfriend. (His dad has cheated on all his wives) And the friend tells him that he is an emotional cheater. He gets bored and cheats emotionally, which is basically the same thing.

But it is and it isn’t. Like, there are three levels to an affair:

1. Thinking about it, wanting it, but not acting on it in any way
2. Thinking about it, wanting it, talking about it with the person, but stopping short of physically consummating it.
3. Thinking abut it, wanting it, and doing it. (“It” here referring to frottage.)

They are all affairs and carry consequence, emotional and otherwise, but my strong feeling is #1 and even #2 can be forgiven. We are flawed. And sometimes even #3 can be forgiven – but not really. I mean, people forgive affairs all the time – and maybe if I was writing this from the perspective of a 65-year-old instead of 36, I would be more kind to cheaters. But I kind of think you can’t justify messing around on someone you have made a commitment to. Unless of course, the relationship is already over and it just hasn’t collapsed yet. Then the affair is basically just punctuation. Dirty, dirty punctuation.

I’m not sure any of this equation is relative to nerdlingers talking about it all theoretical and shit on a website.

Now I am realizing that I kind of evaded your question. Do I do this? Well, there was definitely a time in my life when I felt at ease flirting with people, in print and in person, when I was otherwise engaged. I think even when I was actually otherwise engaged. But since I got married, not so much. I wish I could say this is because of gallantry or some other such romantic ideal – and maybe there is a tiny part of it that is driven by that impulse – but I think it has more to do with guilt and the whole Golden Rule thing.

I re-wrote this last part a lot, torn between being totally honest and the realization that upwards of 67 other people may be reading it. I wonder if it’s possible to forget them. Make this a Method exercise. Probably not. Fuckin’ Heisenberg.

Ben

Next: Birkin Bags, Yale Law School, and the perils of hipster Brooklyn

We all get attached to our dogs, but is there really any good reason to clone them? For one California woman whose life was saved by her now-deceased pit bull, the answer is an emphatic "yes." Bernann McKunney has submitted an order to a South Korean biotech company to have her dead dog "Booger" resurrected. It'll be the first commercially cloned dog, but not the first commercially cloned pet: A Texas woman paid $50,000 in 2004 to have a kitten cloned from her adored cat.

Cesar & Scarlet: you make me feel so calm submissiveLife-saving pooch or not, there's really no excuse for cloning dogs and cats in a world where so many homeless pets are euthanized annually. I balk at the thought of the $150,000 McKunney is blowing on this, when she could donate that money to an animal shelter and adopt a dog in need.

Meanwhile, everybody's favorite Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, has launched a branded merchandise line "comprised of primarily organic, environmentally-friendly and stringently-tested dog products for all breeds and sizes." I'll bet he'd say spending $150,000 to clone your deceased dog means that you're in need of some serious "rules, boundaries, and limitations."

Cute: or not?In other animal news, the National Institutes of Health and the Environmental Protection Agency have finally agreed to explore and share new technologies that will ultimately phase out animal testing. Among other things, computers and robots will take the place of rodents and primates.

Speaking of animals, check out the totally awesomeContinuum of Cute, an interactive, "inter-species beauty contest" which "investigates both our individual and collective sense of the 'cute.'"

And finally, this little guy wants to help you clean your computer screen, and he's really, really good at it.

Related: Hey Fatty, Your Dog is Fat Too

Izzy, with Menorah: The childlike tape job was done by Craig.'Twas the first night of Hanukkah
And on each Jewcy table
Not a Menorah was present
Or so goes this Fable

All the workers worked quietly
Til one passer-by called us out
"You call yourselves Jewish?"
He said with a shout

We fretted and frowned
At the words of this man
But then Izzy stood up
And said "I've got a plan!"

She remembered an email
That Tara had sent
A small paper menorah!
The day was not spent!

Dogs: Here's a picture of some dogs to even out the empty space in this article. Izzy and Craig
With scissors in hand
Set to work cutting
No regard to the plan

When it all was done
And the candles affixed
It looked only half-great
...The feelings were mixed

And so to her iMac
Izzy did run
And took a picture for you
And for holiday fun

We wish you the best
On this Festival of Lights
We wish you a menorah
Cause ours kind of bites

Continue reading...

What's up with dogs getting the shit kicked out of them these days? First, the shroomed-up dude in Amsterdam went surgical on his pup with a pair of scissors. Then, some soulless psycho in Long Island tied a pitbull to a tree, doused him gasoline and lit him on fire. No link for this one, but I swear I saw it on New York local news last night. Could barely watch.

More overseas canine destruction, this time at the Tour de France, reports The Guardian. I'm only posting this because the dog's okay and the biker falls. After this, no more puppy bashing on the Shvitz.

Courtesy NRG.

A Pit Mix: Could you say no to this face?A few years back, I found a dog.  It’s a long story, but to cut it short—I “rescued” a dog that turned out to need serious medical care.  I might not have been so generous about things, but Kareem (a pitt mix; I live in a neighborhood where every dog is a pit mix) was the sweetest creature that ever lived. 

Several thousand dollars later, Kareem died. It was pretty awful.

The result? I developed a newfound commitment to animals. I joined a fostercare/rescue group, took in lots of orphans on a temporary basis, and started combing the streets around mine for animals in need.  

About six months later I was losing my mind.  I’d thrown away furniture and carpets (incontinent cat), gone into debt, and run myself ragged.  So I talked to my rabbi.  I asked him about what kind of obligation Judaism requires us to have regarding our pets and other animals.  It took him a long time to answer.  

Finally, he explained several things to me.

1. We are supposed to be good to animals.
2. We are NOT supposed to let our care of animals get in the way of more important responsibilities (family, Torah, helping people)
3. There is a difference between helping an animal who comes to you in need (say, a dog who stumbles starving into your yard), and seeking out animals who might need your help. (This applies, I think, to non-dog situations as well)

Which was helpful for me at the time.  It eased my guilt.  I kept feeding the dog that lived in my hedge, and found homes for my foster pets, but I stopped cruising for new hard luck cases, and I stopped volunteering with the rescue group (which WAS making it hard to take care of other obligations).

But now I’m thinking about Kareem, and I’m remembering the things the rabbi said, and I’m turning to you for assistance. Two kinds of help.

First, I wonder if anyone can offer text support for what the rabbi told me.  I’m especially interested in #3.  I want to know if anyone can show me where Judaism draws a distinction between the need we stumble over in the world, and the need that’s out there in the dark, unbeknownst to us.

And second, I want to ask what other people think of this in general.  Both #2 and #3 seem to have a pretty huge range of interpretations in our world today.  

#2 is hard for me because there’s such an array of family dynamics.  What does it mean to “take care of” your family?  I mean, is helping animals (not to mention other kinds of charity) supposed to come AFTER feeding your baby?  No!  But what about setting up college funds?  Buying your son a new car when he turns 16?  Purchasing a vacation home?

And #3 is just tricky in general, since we live in a world that we all KNOW is chock full of need. Starving kids and stray animals and so on. Do I need to wait for hungry kids to come into my yard, asking for bread, before I send a few bucks to Feed the Children?  Or is a TV commercial enough?

What say you?

• Howard Stern proposes to his model girlfriend by asking her to strip down, get on her hands and knees, and beg for it. No, SIRIUS-ly. [Jewtastic]
• Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular. We'd add "muslims", "blacks", and "anti-Zionists" to the list, but it'll do. [Media Matters]
• Dani Lynn. I am your baby daddy. [Defamer]
• If celebrities are such dogs, why would I rather stick my tongue down Kojo's throat than Jeremy Piven's any day of the week? [The Age]
• "Seinfeld" and frequent "Curb Your Enthusiasm" comedian Larry Miller is a Mitzvah Boy and/or his career is taking a turn for the worse. [The Acorn]

Good news is Felicity is no longer single. Bad news is she didn't marry Noel or Scott Foley. [Perez Hilton]

Now I Can Shit On The Carpet With Impunity!: Westminster winner JamesHere's how it works with Dad: I get drunken phone calls any night of the week (time not a consideration) reciting dialogue from Tombstone, The Godfather or any number of Eddie Murphy comedies up until The Distinguished Gentleman. There might be some tenuous context -- a new client who does a mean Brando, perhaps -- but more or less, it's just one silly old man trying to bond with the son who didn't like baseball. (The other one gave it up for the guitar. Nyah, nyah.)

Here's how it works with Mom: I get disturbingly sober phone calls over a two-day period in February explaining how "that hideous thing" doesn't deserve to win Best in Oral Self-Hygiene, let alone Group or Show. Yes, it's Westminster week, one of the few times in the year when eugenics is celebrated on national television and, judging by how they barber Standard Poodles, character is king.

The Weisses are dog people. We're extremely partial to the stoic and intelligent Tibetan terrier. Sorry, you won't get a photo of the dearly departed Lucie because I made a vow that I wouldn't stoop to the level of Andrew Sullivan's beagle-mania. I'd like to keep one or two principles in tact.

Anyway, a Springer Spaniel, who's actually not that bad to look at and seems to be fairly charismatic, won Best in Show this year. It beat a lackluster septet of finalists, one of whom, a Dandie Dinmont terrier, is co-owned by Bill Cosby and seems to have been given Rudy's Season 2 haircut.

The handler seemed happy, and one of the announcers stupidly suggested the dog knew it had won. Yeah, just wait till those centerfold pics and clinic bills emerge and its ribbon is rescinded... "He was young and he needed the money!"

Sorry. Now back to your regular Trotsky-Amis-Neocon programming.

Go to the biography section of any bookstore and you’ll find yourself asking, “Who let the dogs in?” Dog stories—John Grogan’s bestselling Marley & Me, Jon Katz’s border-collie psychodramas, Emily Yoffe’s comic beagle-rescue tales—are a booming sub-genre of the confessional memoir. And the boom shows no signs of stopping: Katz published yet another book about life with Orson, his alpha collie and muse, in September. Americans love their pets, of course, and they love to treat them like little people—just look at the popularity of dog strollers, Burberry collars, canine massage therapy, and “bark mitzvah” parties. These days, though, this kind of anthropomorphism is accompanied with an interesting twist: the dog not only as human, but as counselor, guru, a sort of fuzzy Yoda. ...