We here at Jewcy HQ were super-excited when Disney announced they had hired to David Mamet to write the script for a new movie based on The Diary of Anne Frank. After all, the story of a young Jewish girl who perished in the Holocaust seemed like a perfect subject for David "Fuck you, you fucking fuck" Mamet, right?

Well, sadly, our dreams have been crushed. Disney outright rejected Mamet's script, claiming that the storyline was too "dark" and "intense." It's not clear exactly what they were expecting (an revised ending with Anne and Peter getting married? A musical number?), but whatever Mamet produced wasn't it. According to Flavorwire, the version he submitted was "the story of modern anti-Semitism [told] through a contemporary Jewish girl’s travels to Israel and the trauma is induced by a suicide bombing." Disney's chief of production, Oren Aviv (Jewish, anyone?) had helped develop the project before it was ultimately rejected.

What does the future hold after the Frank-Mamet divorce? If Disney still wants to develop an Anne Frank related project, something tells us they'll be trying to focus on the sunnier aspects of the story. Maybe the stuff about her burgeoning sexuality. Or the part where she gets her first period. Or some of the stuff where she talked about disliking her mom. If that doesn't scream Anne Frank joining Jasmine and Belle in the canon of Disney princesses, then what does?

Like everyone else in Florida, Mickey Mouse is now an octogenarian. The character famously first appeared in Steamboat Willie (released Nov. 18, 1928), although two earlier Mickey shorts, Plane Crazy and The Gallopin' Gaucho, were produced but not immediately released. The world's most famous mouse has appeared in various capacities over the decades, seeing time as a soldier, sailor, wizard, explorer, regular mouse, bachelor, bandleader, dogowner, regent, hobo, firefighter, beastiality-crazed sex fiend (thanks to the creative folks at DrawnSex.com), parade marshal, Santa Claus, ski bum, aviator, and most importantly, a corporate logo.

Unlike other hallmark cartoon characters, Mickey Mouse's enduring popularity derives almost exclusively from the peripheral characters that surround him. He's not cunning like Bugs Bunny, bratty and rebellious like Bart Simpson or political and blue like Papa Smurf. Mickey Mouse as a character offers little in the way of personality or humor. He plays a role similar to that of Jason Bateman in Arrested Development or the bar in Cheers, serving primarily as a bind between the rest of the Disney stable of characters - your Donalds, Goofys, Minnies and Plutos, not to mention lesser, more-hated characters like the interspecial union of Horace Horsecollar and Clarabelle Cow. A reasonable comparison for Mickey is Kermit the Frog, the de facto leader of The Muppets. Like Mickey, Kermit isn't as funny as the characters that surround him, but serves as a figurehead of the entire collective.

The enduring appeal of Mickey Mouse lies primarily in association. Over the past eighty years, Disney has repeatedly cornered the market on fantasy and children's entertainment, co-opting the identities of some of the most beloved characters in the history of literature, including Winnie the Pooh, Robin Hood, Aladdin, Pinocchio and The Little Mermaid. Generations of kids are familiar primarily with the Disney interpretation of these characters, and Mickey Mouse represents that all of that. His delightful mug graces the boxes of all of the company's products and his likeness from Fantasia is nearly omnipresent in American culture. Mickey Mouse has been proven so effective at piquing childrens' interests that the radical Islamic group, Hamas, employs their own version of the character, named Farfur, who urges children to "Resist the oppressive invading Zionist occupation," like a real-life Johnny Chimpo. Of course, Mickey himself is no stranger to anti-Semitism, as Walt Disney would occasionally align him with less-than-desirable company, including the inexplicable presence of a swastika-decorated cigarette lighter in Mickey's house in 1932's The Wayward Canary.

Happy Birthday, rodent!

Deciding what is important for you!

• With everyone out of work and hanging around all day, a big turnout is expected for Barack Obama's Inauguration ceremony in Washington.
• This year's minor apocalypse in California has been more or less contained. 
• Hard-hitting journalism at the BBC today: "Is Barack Obama Black?"
• The western United States and Canada is overrun with a plague of bark beetles.
• Chinese President Hu Jintao touched down in Cuba today as part of his tour of Latin America.
• With liberals all set to descend upon the White House, the cosmetic surgery industry has begun to incorporate stem cells into its bag of tricks. 
• Today marks the 80th anniversary of the release of Steamboat Willie, the first appearance of both Mickey Mouse and Pegleg Pete (the go-to Disney villain).
• Japan has decided to allow the importation of delicious whale meat for consumption.
• Sacha Baron Cohen surfaced, in character as Bruno, during a taping of the NBC television show, Medium.

 

 

In May, Mickey Mouse’s Islamofascist cousin—the one that’s never invited to the weddings—was beaten to death by an Israeli terrorist. But never fear, never fear, for the Disney franchise is stocked with willing martyrs…and so it was that last week Simba, the Lion King himself, was shown on Hamas’ al-Aqsa television network fighting an evil army of rats, wielding Israeli guns and adorned by US dollars—Fatah, of course. Do listen for the actual dubbed-in voice of Mohammed Dahlan, former Fatah leader, here incarnated as the chief rat.

The ice-rimmed rictus on Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen face is in the shape of a smile today.