Forget Sex and the City: the real story seems to be happening in the suburbs. Witness Desperate Housewives. But perhaps we have desperate Jewish girls, as well. Or is that the real story?

As everyone remembers, Monica Lewinsky was a Jewish girl from Beverly Hills who got a position as an intern in the White House. It appears that she misunderstood what the word "position" meant.

At the height of the scandal, it seemed to me that our country had come a long way because no one was making an anti-Semitic generalization out of Monica's behavior. But I was focusing on the wrong issue back then. It wasn't that Monica was Jewish, but perhaps that Jewish girls were Monicas.

Everyone was rightly talking about Bill. What he did wrong - and wrong he surely did. But what about Monica? Had she been doing this kind of thing back in Beverly Hills or was this an entirely new extracurricular activity for her? Can we generalize to Jewish girls in Weston or Westfield or Westwood from what Monica was doing in the West Wing?

These questions came to mind recently when a woman in her seventies began sharing her concern with me about the custom in her granddaughter's prep school - Jewish girls were giving Jewish boys blowjobs as bar mitzvah presents! (Presumably because they've already got everything else.)

I couldn't believe my ears. But then she told me that this practice is so rampant that the Reform Jewish movement has taken it on as a national policy concern. I checked that piece of information out on Google, and sure enough there is an article to that effect dated November 19, 2005. Rabbi Eric Yoffie, President of the Union for Reform Judaism, addressed 4,200 people in Houston for its biennial convention and explicitly talked about oral sex and hooking up. Bravo, Rabbi Yoffie. For him the issue was that girls are "defining their worth by how they please boys." The degradation of girls flies in the face of the Reform Movement's dedication to the equality of women, he said.

To explore the topic further, I asked one of my (nice Jewish) male students at Brandeis (from another part of the country) if he had heard of girls doing this while he was in high school. He told me that this is particularly a "middle school thing" and it is common. Further, he didn't think it was so bad - using the same line as Clinton. "It's not sex," he said. In other words, the kids want to have intercourse ("real sex"), but feel they shouldn't. So instead, they have oral sex, which isn't sex. He also said that the girls who do it are not stigmatized; usually the boy and girl like each other. "It's safer than sex," he went on to say. He did not see it as a problem.

Never one to lose an opportunity, at a recent bat mitzvah I asked the rabbi if he had heard about this topic. He told me his youth group leaders are complaining that this behavior exists and that his synagogue will soon be introducing a curriculum to deal with it.

I'm not sure exactly what the curriculum will entail, but I would like to offer one suggestion. Talk to the kids. Find out what sex means to them; find out what is realistic. Find out if they see it as sex; if the girls feel they are degraded. Find out if the boys are pressuring the girls. Sexual drives and urges are present in young people and since the kids are not about to get married either in high school or shortly thereafter, they need to figure out how to cope. There aren't too many Jewish models of young people to emulate - think about Philip Roth's Portnoy or Woody Allen. I just read Billy Crystal's 700 Sundays and numerous other Jewish-boys-growing-up books. Sexual fantasies, exploits, doubts and adventures crowd out other topics. It's not just the videos and movies and songs - it's in our "fine literature" as well. Sex is ubiquitous.

In the meantime, I'd like to share a true story that probably sheds some light on this matter. During the time that Monica was getting her blue dress soiled, my 11-year old niece (from suburbia, but another state) visited our house. I went to turn off the TV which was broadcasting yet another story on the topic. She said I didn't need to do that because she knew what oral sex was. "Oh really," I replied, "What is it?" "It's when you talk while you're doing it."

That may, in fact, be the level of understanding of what sexual relations are all about among our tween-age Jews today. So, let's start talking.

 

This piece appears courtesy of Jewcy's partnership with 614, magazine of the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute.

Having nearly two thousand "friends" on Facebook has many perks. I can stalk girls, stalk girls for friends of mine and work on my unbelievable Jewish geography skills - because, hey, I know everyone. Having that many friends on Facebook has another perk which most people never even think about, and that is being invited to hundreds of random events, of which I have attended maybe a handful.

I have wondered what would happen if I would just show up at some wedding, engagement party or bridal shower, unannounced, what would happen? I can just imagine, the looks a bunch of peoples' faces as they wondered why a guy they had never even seen before has come bearing gifts to a bridal shower?

Girls: Hey who's that guy, what's he doing here?

Other Girls: I have no idea

Girls: Excuse me, what are you doing here?

Me: You invited me on Facebook.

Has anyone ever done this? It's almost like a high-tech version of Wedding Crashers, except you were actually invited. Granted, the person doing the invites probably didn't think that clicking the "invite all friends to this event" button would actually matter. Who on earth shows up to a family affair that they were invited to on Facebook, if they aren't part of the family?

As my network on Facebook begins to grow, I begin to see more and more temptations regarding experimenting with this newfound power. Has anyone ever gone to a wedding or other personal event they were invited to over Facebook? I wonder if I said I was going to attend if they would set up a seat for me to eat like a fully invited guest at the event.

Its understandable if someone would kick me out of a bridal shower - after all, it's a chance for newly engaged women to discover their lesbian within by trading sex secrets and having naked pillow fights - but what about a wedding or a bar mitzvah?

 

So which side of the family are you from?

"I'm a friend of the bride. We've never actually met, but she invited me online."

 

I am seriously debating doing this. Anyone want to join?

It’s 1979. I’m high in the air. For a split second I look down and below me are ten dark men with large hats and larger beards. I come down into their arms, safe, and they toss me up again, smiling, laughing, shouting. I have been in this room with them for less than an hour, yet they are tossing me around as if I was their own son. I spot my mother peeking out from behind a long white sheet that cuts the room in half. She winks at me.

It’s my bar mitzvah, and I’m a Reform-raised thirteen-year-old in the house of a Hassidic rabbi in Florida. I’m watching myself take to the air as if powered by some esoteric magical spell. I know this is happening, but something about it is quite unreal, like the fantasy world I have been designing in my room with ten- and twenty-sided dice.

* * *

Miami: Nothing like some kosher cuisine while lounging under a palm tree The rabbi's home was a quiet, dark enclosure filled with the wafting smell of fruit punch and cleaning fluid. The television was up on top of a high shelf crowded with books. The TV could not be really watched from that height, but it still wasn’t exactly hidden, suggesting it had some use. Later my father told me that the Hassidic men in the community would gather at the rabbi’s house to watch the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, then the messianic leader of the Lubavitch sect of Hassidic Judaism, address his followers over cable access.

There were three of us that came every Sunday morning to this Miami Chabad house, each of us twelve, preparing for our bar mitzvahs. The house was an island floating in an ocean of strip malls, country clubs, gated communities and swamps. I never asked myself what I was doing here. This was like nothing I had ever known, an expression of Judaism as foreign to me as Israel. Yet, there was something familiar, something in the preparation and practice that, like a magnet, pulled me into its center.

Still, every time I asked what it might all mean, the rabbi gave me quick and infuriating answers. I begged to be shown that what we were doing here on these Sunday mornings was something I could take home with me. I wanted this Jewishness, his Jewishness, so different from my own, filled with mystery, arcane secrets, knowledge. My home was too much in the goysiche world, I knew, despite the other lovely Jewish families on our block. It was a world where I was learning biology and Shakespeare, reading my older brother’s dirty magazines, watching Doctor Who, and eating ham and cheese sandwiches. (At least they were on rye.) It was nothing like the home of the rabbi. But to the rabbi, I was an alien: a pork-eating Jew who didn’t know Hebrew.

Well, slichah: Late-70s-era Hassidic rabbis just don't appreciate Steve Martin When it came time for my parents to decide what to do about my bar mitzvah they needed to act quickly. We had just moved to Florida from Massachusetts and didn’t belong to a synagogue, so our options were to the Chabad house in nearby Miami. After a few phone calls, Rabbi B., a leader in the community, agreed to teach me on Sunday mornings. The bar mitzvah itself would then be performed in his home, which doubled as a place of community worship and prayer. My parents knew that this was not the Judaism of our own home. Still, they seemed to hope I might find something to relieve my private anxiety. They also might have had some regret and guilt for not having a more traditionally Jewish home. The other extreme, if only for a year, must have felt like a mitzvah.

Rabbi Borowitz was a large man, with broad shoulders and arms like pillars. But he never seemed weighed down, at least not by his own body. He was jubilant and patient, but he had no time for anything outside our studies. That year Steve Martin had gone on stage in bunny ears and exclaimed, “Well, excuse me!” Once when reading from a text, the rabbi remarked the meaning of slichah, “excuse me.” I kept disrupting our study session with outbursts of “Well, slichah!” in my best Martin voice. Rabbi Borowitz never once laughed. He didn’t have any idea what I was referring to. He also never asked.

No matter the rabbi’s selective ignorance of 1970s American culture, I still believed he knew something I didn’t—that he walked in two worlds, the one where he taught me the aleph-bet and another where he knew the real power of the letters, and what power could be wrought through their correct permutations. I wanted to know how these two worlds spoke to each other, what the common language might be. We read from Genesis, and while I knew it was myth, I also believed that myth stood for something real. Myth was the language of the numinous, a bridge from what was secret to what could be known. I couldn’t have put it into such words at the time, but my insides were on fire with a desire to glean secrets from the other side, looking for answers to the riddle of my restless soul.

Rabbi Borowitz reeked with God’s potent charm. This was a rabbi who purposefully kept the family television just out of each, who kept the lights in his home only bright enough to read in. This was a rabbi who prayed, who really tried to speak to God, a word he wrote only as “G-D.”

The twenty-sided die: No dungeon master worth his weight in geldings leaves home without one I had been going to the rabbi’s home on weeknights during the few weeks leading up to the day. I even had him recite my blessings into a tape recorder that then I played back over and over again, memorizing the sounds, not the content, until it became perfect music in my head: “Baruch ata adanoi...” It was theurgy, where mysticism becomes magic.

I knew enough about wizards and sorcerers from fantasy novels and Dungeons and Dragons to know that language was where power resided. There are legends of Jewish mystics who try to gain access to the various levels of heaven. At every step, fearsome angels bar their ways. The only way for the mystics to gain power over these creatures is to learn their secret names. Once they do, the mystics become magicians, wielding power rather than just hoping to know God. I wanted this kind of experience. I believed in these other worlds, but I didn’t want to encounter them to become one with God. I wanted power, a power over my anxiety, over my awkwardness in the world, over the world of adults where I didn’t belong. And so I learned the Hebrew—without knowing what it meant or why I had to say it—because I thought it could open some door to a world only my rabbi could see.

The morning of my bar mitzvah, I woke early, feeling a bit uneasy, but also excited. Whatever had been hidden during my studies on Sunday mornings would certainly be revealed on this day. I got dressed in my blue suit. In the kitchen, my father greeted me with a gift. I knew what it was before I even opened it, something I had wanted for so long: a digital watch. It was a Seiko, with a liquid crystal display, chronograph, alarm, with the date and day in tiny letters on the face. It was beautiful.

And it didn’t fit.

The band was made for an adult, and although my father promised that he would get me the right size, I started the day defeated. Whatever magical knowledge or experience that was being offered to me by Rabbi Borowitz and my family was lost.

So you think you can dance: Boys at a (non-Hassidic) Bar Mitzvah My brother had it made. He was bar mitzvahed in high suburban style in a little Reform synagogue in the suburbs off the Massachusetts turnpike. Uncles and aunts from all over the country were there, with little envelopes and kisses. And they shmoozed and had a few drinks and my brother giggled with his friends, hundreds and hundreds of friends, it seemed. Everyone danced into the late hours of the afternoon.

Seven years later, at my own bar mitzvah, none of my friends were there.

At the rabbi’s home my family was greeted by the rabbi’s wife and children. She led my mother and sisters into another part of the main room behind a long white curtain that had been affixed to create a separation. These are the kinds of surprises they should have let me in on during my bar mitzvah training. None of my friends were around; I would not be getting wads of money like my brother had at his bar mitzvah; and my mother, grandmother, and sisters were going to be hidden away. What little control I thought I might have over all this was quickly being taken from me. Once I could no longer see my mother, I tried to cling to my father, but he was lost in the sea of all these other men, none of whom—except for Rabbi Borowitz—I had ever seen before. They all looked the same, elders of a society to which I didn’t belong. But here they were allowing me a glimpse.

I was led to the front of a room where I met another rabbi who looked just as I imagined Tolkien’s Gandalf would. He unrolled a torah scroll and placed in my hand a remarkable object. The yad, or torah pointer, is a thin rod of silver, about the length of a fork. At the end is a tiny hand with its pointer extended. With the yad, you point to the torah without having to touch the scroll. I was then instructed to recite my “portion,” and the wizened rabbi held my wrist and guided my hand holding the yad across the torah. I tried to read the Hebrew, as it was, with no vowels, nothing like the Hebrew I had been taught on those Sunday mornings. I could barely get through, feeling more and more a separation between myself and whatever these rabbis felt was happening.

These old world Jews here in very contemporary Miami were not Jewish in the same way I was. My Judaism was suburban, a Judaism that had left its Jewishness mostly behind. Even more than that, though, I was separated from these men because of God. For them, this was a time of worship to a God with whom their relationships were intimate. For me, God was a vague sense of otherworldliness, something that haunted me. The God I believed was something hidden, a private thing to wrestle with while I tried not to fall asleep.

Hang on, kid: Today you are a man I was sweating, my hands were shaking, and I couldn’t see my mother. She was the only one of us who knew anything about any of this. I had watched her light the Friday night candles, watched her go into a trance of sorts, her palms resting over her eyes, the candle flames rising up, straining, to meet them. She knew the secret.

  When it was over, I thought I would be allowed to sit down. I badly needed to. But then there was singing, and all the men got into a circle and lifted me up, tossed me around with such joy, that for a moment, I felt like an honored guest. These men were so utterly happy, as if they had witnessed something miraculous, something that had transformed them and me.

I wanted to feel this change, wanted to believe I was now a man. But the watch didn’t fit. I was proud that I had at least gotten through it, but I was still afraid of the other, hidden reality. This other world had not appeared as I had hoped. Instead, as the men chatted and ate, and my mother and sisters continued to peek out from behind the curtain, my rabbi led my father and me over to a table of drinks. He poured some vodka into a shot glass and said, “You’re a man now.” I tossed back the vodka as he and my father laughed. It went down hard, burning all the way.

Afterwards, the rabbi and his wife would visit our house in the hopes we would join them for Shabbat, or that I would continue to study with him. My father would quickly but politely close the door, and that was that. Later, in my twenties, when I was struggling to identify as a Jew, I wished I had been a different kind of boy. Being secular didn’t make us worldly so much as it cut us off from experience. This is the problem with the secular fear of religion: It doesn’t believe it can participate in any way that wouldn’t be a compromise. But my family didn’t have to compromise anything. In fact, it was the rabbi that made the compromise, to bar mitzvah a boy he knew would likely never return.

L'chaim: now can we please clear the floor for a hora? While playing a set at the opening of the new Fendi store in Paris, singer and oft-mentioned Jewcy celeb Amy Winehouse commented that she was glad to get the gig, and jokingly (?) added that she was also available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

“Well, maybe not a wedding," Winehouse continued. My music's a little too heartbreak. For a wedding, you need something meeker."

Yeah, there's something about the idea of having your first dance to 'You Know I'm No Good' that seems sort of off. Kind of like inviting the worst dressed person of the year to play at a fashion week party.

Are 'Be Kind Rewind' funnyman Jack Black’s feelings about his Bar Mitzvah really gossip-worthy? The New York Post seems to think so. Today’s round-up of celebrity quotes ends with this one:

"PART of the bar mitzvah is that you become a man supposedly at 13 years old. And as I was a man, I decided never to go to a synagogue again" – Jack Black

Quelle scandale!

The other day I read this post over at Visualize Possibilities called Congratulations! It’s A God! about how believing in God can be like giving birth. It sounds kinds of silly, and the post is somewhat irreverent and cute, but definitely worth a read. And I’ve been thinking a lot about giving birth and having babies because I know a lot of people who’ve recently become parents for the first time.
Kids in Shul: adorable or unbearable?
People always talk about how amazing and miraculous it is to have a baby, and how shocking it is to realize how much you can love someone you’ve never met before. I buy that, but I wonder how the ill effects of child-rearing can influence one’s connection to God and the Jewish community. It’s not something I’ve ever heard anyone talk about in a serious way. In fact, the only source I’ve ever seen on this concept comes from a particular rabbi’s ruling that says the primary caregiver for young children isn’t obligated to pray because he or she could be rightfully too distracted by his or her obligations to give the appropriate intentions to prayer (send me a message if you’d like the source).

But what about when the kids have grown up considerably, and are still a major distraction for a parents who wants to daven? Sitting in shul the other day I noticed that the children present were getting pretty rowdy, screaming and giggling and generally behaving like kids, while the adults in their midst pretty much tried to ignore them. It occurs to me that this is the norm in many shuls, and that ignoring kids in shul doesn’t really leave them with the idea that they’re valuable members of the community. On the other hand, finding a space with a room for children isn’t east, and then occupying the kids for a few hours while their parents daven without the aid of television, arts and crafts or musical instruments can certainly be a challenge, too—especially when most of the adults really want to be in services davening. So what’s a responsible and serious synagogue to do? I poked around online and found a few responses.

Not surprisingly, the CRC has a particularly offensive take on children in the synagogue, basically holding that they should be left at home until they’re older and can be quiet. Then it goes into a kind of weird thing about not kissing anyone at shul so God knows you like God best.

I wasn’t able to find much more about the behavior of young children, but there are a bunch of articles from Jewish newspapers about teaching kids to act appropriately at bar and bat mitzvahs. Some shuls require the family of the bar or bat mitzvah to provide chaperons who will sit with the rowdy preteens and shush them. The Jewish Journal reports on rabbis asking kids to stop text messaging during davening, and on inappropriate dress for synagogue. And j. is especially harsh on preteens:

These days, with my son on the b’nai mitzvah circuit, I’ve been privy to many horrific tales of disrespectful and out-of-control behavior at these meaningful celebrations. While some of the more extreme stories may be suburban legend, there’s no doubt that disorderly conduct is a recurring problem. And these troubled waters run deeper than the offending parties could ever imagine; the potential ripples far surpass that puddle surrounding the ice sculpture of the bat mitzvah girl doing a pirouette.

This unruly behavior is hurtful, if not heartbreaking, to the families who have invested many months — not to mention lots of money — anticipating and preparing for this all-important day.

These deeds negatively impact the synagogue’s visitors and regular congregants, as well as rabbis forced to add policing to their list of Shabbat morning duties.

I’ve been to some pretty raucous bar mitzvahs, and to some incredibly gurgly Shabbat mornings, and it’s true that they’re distracting and not conducive to an incredibly close relationship with God or prayer, but I’m not sure that throwing the kids out or telling them to sit down, shut up and cover up is really the best response.

How is it that none of these resources say anything along the lines of, “Kids should bring quiet books and toys—like puzzles—to occupy themselves during services. Older kids should be encouraged to bring Harry Potter, or some other reading material"? I know that my plan won’t work for every kids at every point, but it seems like those are the most obvious suggestions. Am I missing something?

Today I Am A Man.From Yahoo Canada News:

Montreal fined $20Gs for bar mitzvah 'from hell'

Fri May 11, 8:19 PM

CALGARY (CBC) - The City of Montreal has been ordered to pay $20,000 in damages after a judge ruled a drunk janitor had ruined a bar mitzvah, which the city tried to cover up by falsely accusing the bar mitzvah boy of not being Jewish.

"This was a party from hell," said Peter Neumann, referring to his grandson's coming-of-age celebration.

The janitor, who was in charge of the cultural centre in the West Island community of Pierrefonds, was drunk when the 350 guests arrived for the Neumann bar mitzvah, court heard.

He also sexually harassed the female guests, stole the ice from the machine and tried to sell it back to the Neumanns.

But his misdeeds didn't end there: The janitor also refused to put toilet paper in the bathrooms.

When the elevator broke trapping several paraplegic guests, the janitor did nothing. Neumann said that when one of the musicians had a heart attack, the janitor refused to call 911.

"The drunk janitor reappears," Neumman said. "I say 'What's the address?' He said, 'I don't know.'" The Neumanns said they asked the city for an apology. Instead, they got a 40-page defence statement that, among other things, accused them of lying about being Jewish. "To question our faith and our reason for having a bar mitzvah, that was a very, very immoral thing that they did to us," said the boy's grandmother, Marlene Neumann.

The city has since taken full responsibility for the incident and has fired the janitor in question.

And somewhere, an irritated Richard Lewis shakes his head.