Sex & Love
Rocker Dude Seeks Bitchin’ Beshert
By punktorah / August 31, 2009
I’m the 26 year old punk rock singer for Can!!Can, an observant Jew with three tattoos, host of PunkTorah.com and gainfully employed by an online Judaica store.Â
Basically, I’m one big fucking contradiction.
On one hand, I cover my head. On the other, I daven with the Reconstructionists. I eat biblically kosher at home, but all bets are off if I’m out or at someone’s house. My favorite rock stars are David Wolpe and Kurt Cobain. I’m typing this on Shabbat, but I pray from the Koren Sacks Orthodox Siddur.
And I’m single. And it sucks ass.
I’ve never dated a Jewish girl, but now I consider it imperative. I’m getting older, and not that I want to get married and have kids anytime soon, but I would like to know that if I did choose to knock up my beshert, I wouldn’t have to deal with a church wedding and Santa Claus.
New to the whole "Jewish Singles" scene, I’ve put myself out there and discovered I am looking for a woman that essentially doesn’t exist.
Sure, there are plenty of Gefilte-Fish-In-The-Sea, but I’m getting picky. I’ve boiled my soulmate to a very specific, bordering on psychotic, JDate Nazi-esque list of characteristics:
Age: 25-31 (I like older women but do give a 1-year exception)
Location: somewhere in the Confederacy
Tattoos: mostly Hebrew with some girlie floral stuff and possibly a chest-piece that pokes lovingly out of halter tops
Education: bachelors degree in something super practical from a pussy liberal state college
Boobs: proportional and large enough to give me hands full of fun
Musical Taste: ’77 punk/garage rock, grunge, early metal, experimental in the vein of Velvet Underground/Brian Eno, early Americana and folk, lo-fi art pop
Hobbies: anything artsy, blogging, volunteering for apolitical non-profits, possibly plays the drums, visiting her kick ass grandmother who was the director of a feminist co-op in the 60′s and makes really good brisket, fixing cars and other manly things, as I cannot do most "dude" stuff and really need the help
Life Goals: to start her own gender egalitarian Aleph Havurah and open a used clothing store/coffee shop
Spirituality: kicks my ass to be more observant
Most likely, I won’t find a girl who loves the Ramones and considers shul and a trip to the Adult Superstore an awesome Shabbat experience. But that won’t stop me from trying.
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As an update on this damn site I thought I’d let you know Patrick and I met up and we are def good buddies now. Jewlicious’ woman friend also met Patrick (she happens to be a friend of mine). Now I write for Punktorah.com and all is good. Thank G-d for Jewish geography!
Stay true to the streets!
Wrapping my brain around this part:
Education: bachelors degree in something super practical from a pussy liberal state college
Hey, if that’s what turns you on…..!Â
Being an Oaklander, myself.
Good luck on the search for your bitchin’ b’shert. Now imagine if she could fix a Camaro. Love.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzPr4NkNeSoÂ
Aliza
Ha ha - yeah I got those too while I was in my 30′s and 40′s – but I got my *real* one last year!Â
I have a Harley – but I haven’t ridden it since my daughter was born almost 14 years ago. Different priorities now, I guess :) It’s all good….
"I just got my AARP card last year…"
My wife and I have our daughter’s AARP card framed and hanging in the kitchen. She got in the mail when she was 16, which I guess is the new 62.
Good luck finding someone who adores your quirkiness-don’t give up. Meanwhile, what kind of bike do you ride? Â Â
Â
Aliza
I just got my AARP card last year, but I have 3 tattoos, a nose ring – and I teach religious school at my temple as well (often wearing my Converse sneakers). JDate keeps sending me accountant types they think would be right for me – but I know that while I may a fun date, I’ll most likely never be brought home to meet mom.Â
I realize that I did this to myself – my inability to go with the flow and be "normal". I hope against hope there’s someone out there just like me, funny, curious and a mish mosh of opposites. But I refuse to conform just to get laid. Well I could get laid – it’s more than that that I want. Sigh………..
Before 10 years have say that. So maybe you need to change your style.
Just got back from teaching at Limmud Atlanta + Southeast Retreat to see that the natives are restless and need some answers…
Lillit – you are totally right on that one.
Hebrewzzi – i gotcha back! if I find my dream woman, I’ll set you up with her sister.
Jewlicious – as i said on Twitter, just need to find a way to get me out there. you name the place, the time…shit will go down :-)
h. – oh no sweat about missing the gig. i’ll be up there soon. and yeah there really aren’t any jews in the gothy world. though, my roommate is the singer for Feeding Fingers and he’s a Jew-by-default since we live together
sra – you and jewlicious have a great point. i just really love dixie
Erik – apparently you’re right. this has come up way too many times. why san fran, though? i mean, sure its countercultural…but…i dunno. i just love my ATL so much.
Jewbroad27 – the article was definitely one-sided. its a Jewcy.com article, not an OKCupid profile ;-) You (like LastDitch) are hung up on the physical things that I wrote. Well, did you read the part about how I hope she has a great relationship with her family ("her grandmother was a radical 60′s feminist"), or that I hope she has traditionally masculine skills (IE fixing cars), or that she is college educated in the liberal arts, or that she would enjoy volunteering and have artistic interests? Sorry if I like nice boobs.
 LastDitch – I guess we all have different definitions of punk. Some people think punk means collectivist-vegan-food-not-bombs-type of stuff. That’s fair. I think that punk rock has to do with acknowledging adult feelings and issues, even if that means "1…2…fuck you" or singing about doing heroine or whatever. As far as my website, a lot of people feel like they don’t fit into the "traditional" observant Jewish world (across all Movements) because of lifestyle or background, including LGBT people, Jews of Color, converts…and yes…people who live in subcultural communities. As for the "take action" vs. "looking like a hipster" thing…I do take action. I spent three days at a Jewish summer camp retreat, meeting lots of great Jewish activists and making connections with different people from all walks of life. I even played No Limit Texas Dreidel with a 13 year old who did a D’var Torah at the Egalitarian service that absolutely kicked my ass. Again, sorry if I like nice breasts.
YentaPunker – the whole Robyn thing was insane! we were at services and she just jumped me and said, "OMG, you’re PunkTorah! I have the perfect woman for you" and word spread like wildfire. More people knew me as "the guy who has the shidduch date" than the guy who hosts PunkTorah.com. I’m going to take a nap then send you a Facebook reply. Sorry it has taken me so long. Regardless of whether you end up being my Beshert, it’s always good to make new kick ass friends…and I can tell we will be! And BTW, thank you for owning up to the fact that you have big boobs. Robyn said, "Don’t worry…she’s stacked, so you’ll like that."Â
Good Lord, punk really is dead.
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The law won at Jewlicious.com
So, I was listening to the Clash today as I got a message from a friend about your post, which makes me think that coincidence is another 11 letter word for G-d. I could not help but laugh as I giggled through your serious claims and desires of a woman. Now, although I am not tatted up, due to religious restraint, I have one drawn up. And, although I am only pierced in the ears and know a haulter top is not tznius, I don’t follow those laws either. However, we both seem to have the same music and eatting habbits. We seem to have liberal hearts stuck in a very structured nishama. I am NOT saying I am your besherit, but I’d really like to make a complete ass of myself and attempt to talk to you.
As for fixing your car and doing tasks you’re not so self assured for… those are easy. My dad made sure I knew how to handle those things just in case I ever got stuck. I’m handy with the house stuff too… seeing I just bought a condo and my life got flipped upside down.
I went to a liberal college and have a degree in English. I was president of Hillel and the United States rep for college students in Israel. I was also on a softball team called the Hebrew Hammers. I have now moved to the Matzo Ballers since I graduated 5 years ago. I kayak on weekends and my Rabbi would probably crap himself (sorry rabbi) knowing that I even attempted to shmooze like this… but, none the less I rebel.Â
I really do look like the Jewish cliche. I am comfortable with it. A thick, large chested, curley haired woman with a large blonde streak just to add something engaging in the mix. I think it helps with the look of mystic, but who the hell am I kidding?
My favorite places tend to be art shows and museums. I’m simple, but intelligent (modest too). Seems like you’re really not so complicated either, you know what you like and you’re going for it. I really have never read something that seemed so compelling that I joined the website just to do this. I’m offically embarassed, but hoping this might work.
Gut Shabbos Patrick… and good luck!
after reading some of the comments, here, perhaps New York is not where it’s at for me…the West Coast seems like a viable option. from what i hear, DC has a fair amount of Goth Jews…way more than New York.
I’m sorry I don’t know whether you’re a gal, a gay person, both, or neither. And by "gay" I mean happy. If you have to complain about Patrick’s post, please acknowledge that you are enjoying a very good life.
And as far as punk rock "womyn" go– as an old school punk-rocker, bad speller, & bad typist, I have to tell you that if you are intentionally trying to extricate the "men" part of "women" as something feminist, it’s just plain ignorant. Please look up the Greek roots of "men" as it relates to moon/month, not male.
Patrick, man, I feel for you. It’s good that you know what you want, and you’re upfront. Ignore Lastditch, and go ahead & set your sites on a busty punk lass. I always smile silently when people ask me where I met my wonderful husband of 15 years (bigcocksociety.com). Last but not least, I’d steer clear of feminists. They tend to be grumpy, and I’ve never met one who could cook worth a damn.
Thank you Last Ditch for your post. You said what I wanted to say but didn’t really have the guts. His post was shallow and self-serving, not at all what a true connection or beshert would consist of. Plus he has a vision of sexual entitlement and objectification that is designed to keep women in their opressive place.
His views are neither progressive or punk as you stated, in fact they belong in the 1950′s. I fit the description of what this "boy" wants but never in a million years would I go for someone who obviously doesn’t value women for more than just their bodies.
I believe Jewish women are strong, smart, and evolved human beings. The other thing about us is that we don’t F’ around. Never a good idea to mess with a Jewish woman. Try respecting us if you don’t want to be alone and as I stated above, what do you bring to the table? It isn’t a one sided street.
Is it really punk to go on a website and describe the kind of boobs your dream woman has? To use the word pussy as a derogatory term? What you’re doing is bringing mainstream cultural ideas of how a man should act and a woman should look/act into a community that stands against all of those pre-prescribed gender roles and identities that we’re forced into. This is not punk, this is not unique. You say on your website that you want the cultural diaspora? You describe people that LOOK different, as you do in this description of your dream woman. You want scensters and hipsters, folks with tattoos? Exactly what makes them so hard to fit into the mainstream Jewish world? Because their pants are tighter and they listen to super underground music? Give me a nebbish looking person that can talk to me about the
connection between Emma Goldman and Abraham Joshua Heschel over someone
who has boobs that can give me a hand full of fun any day.
Punk, hardcore, these aren’t scenes, they’re communities. They stand for a lot more than clothes and music, and you’re doing a disservice to those that live that life and want to find a life partner to share that with by posting this. Yeah, so some of us are covered in tattoos, we’re queer, straight, and in between, orthodox, secular and in between, but the uniting factor is that we want a better world, and are willing to take action to create it. Not that we have patches on our clothes and go to indie minyans. You want a true punk rock womyn? Maybe you should try respecting them first.
What do you bring to the table that said punk /tattooed/indie rock Jewish girl would be interested in you?Â
1)Â You would be considered 100 percent normal in San Francisco.Â
I have Hebrew ink on my knuckles and regularly share shabbas supper with some very cool senior citizens who don’t even blink. I daresay you might weep upon arriving at the airport.
2)Â Should you actually visit or move here, you will not be single for long. Cool Jewish guys last about one or two minutes on the open market.Â
3) You know when you’re on vacation somewhere and you see a really hot Jewish girl who is (a) clearly into indie/punk/misc rock music, (b) dresses cool, (c) has ink and (d) doesn’t mind sticking out in a crowd?
Five dollars says she’s from SF.Â
Get thee to a plane.
Look, I’m from SC and I have very similar taste in people to you. But I hadda move to the west coast to get it. I tried New York, but the Jews of New York are fundamentally square, with of course the occasional notable exception.
 You want tattooed spiritual punk Jews, you need to get thyself to the West Coast ASAP. Meet your lady in SF or LA and then move her back down South. Easy. You’d CLEAN UP in San Francisco. These gals are everywhere and there are very few dudes to their taste.
i can relate to your dilemma, Patrick, as i understand the difficulties of belonging to a subculture that seems to be lacking in Semites. for me, it’s the Goth/Post-Punk/Industrial/[insert similar genre here] scene. you can count the number of Jews on one hand and most of them are female, which doesn’t help if you’re a hetero chick like myself. i often end up dating Agnostics and Atheists (most of them ex-Christians who got fed up with church and Sunday school and being told they’ll burn in Hell for the stupidest things). fortunately, no religious conflicts have ever arisen (the Christmas issue was worked out by compromising with a shrub and a ball hanging from it) and i find a lot of them to share my mentality and spirituality even if they don’t have Jewish DNA running through their bodies. i’m not an Atheist, but i seem to get along well with them for some weird reason.
oh, and sorry i missed your Brooklyn performance. let me know whenever you’re in the area again and i’ll try to make it next time. btw, i’ve met The Ramones…they were quite charming. though i couldn’t understand anything Joey said to me other than "hello."
I know someone that kinda fits this description. But she’s pretty hard core, considers the Ramones a bunch of pussies, is a vegan and will without a doubt kick your ass. But she lives on the West Coast. My suggestion? Get the fuck outta Dixie if’n you wanna date a Jewess.
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I roll blog logs at Jewlicious.com
If you find this elusive woman, please ask her if she has a sister or would be open to being cloned. I want my tatted punky Jew girl too. :-) Although, I’d rather she live in the Northeast…dating someone South of the Mason-Dixon Line could prove difficult. And to hopefully make my search easier, make my age range 24-35 (I’m 30, so I guess I have more options). :-)Â
…Poor your boyfriend!
I know that you say being single "sucks ass," but being single is a thousand times better than pairing up with the closest available person just because it’s better than being alone. Trust me.
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