Sex & Love

I have been following with amusement and bemusement the courtship ritual of Hebrewzzi in the comments to Mia Rut’s post To Date a Jew. But not with wistfulness. It’s been a quarter century since I had to play the dating game and I thank God for that. I was never good at it (or at any other game) and it was stacked against me.

A couple grafs below in this post I am going to blow Ms. Rut’s cover. I know who she really is and what game she’s up to. But first let me say a few words about the issue at hand.

Ms. Rut, nearly-converted, wonders whether she should date only Jews. And, new to the Jewish dating scene, she discovers something that Jewish girls have always known: all the Jewish guys out there are "obnoxious or arrogant or creepy and weird or too young or too old or gay or otherwise in some other way wildly incompatible."

Now, this is an incontrovertible fact based on the experiences of many generations of Jewish women (well, a few, the ones postdating the generations in which Jewish women were married off by their parents in their early teens).

A curious fact that Ms. Rut does not mention is that Jewish men have accumulated, over many generations (or at least those since the ones in which their parents married them off in their early teens), a similar data set. Ask the guys. Ask Phillip Roth. They’ll tell you that all the Jewish women out there are not only obnoxious, arrogant, creepy, and weird, but also that they have moustaches.

Now we know why the Jews are just a fraction of a percent of the world’s population. With such major incompatibility built into our genes, it’s a wonder we’ve survived at all.

And this is the reason why Jewish parents have, through the course of evolution, been programmed to browbeat their progeny to marry other Jews. Obviously, if Jewish men and women were naturally attracted to each other, this would not be necessary. No, the race survives only because of the nagging gene.

But let me get to the point. Back in that nasty, brutish, and not-at-all-short period in which I had to date, I took seriously my responsibility to the tribe. I limited myself to dating Jewish women. This was not difficult in my case; the reaction of the female sex to my phone voice was such that I could easily have limited myself to dating no women at all. Quite naturally, I attributed this to the fact that the women I called saw through me and realized from the minute I said "hello" that I was obnoxious, arrogant, creepy, and weird.

Then came that awful year in which, in the space of just a few months, two women I had gone out with and who seemed to have overlooked my debilities told me that they had been two-timing and that they had decided that the other man was more worth their while. This, as you can imagine, was a horrible, castrating experience.

But, being a scientifically-minded kinda guy, I sat down to analyze the situation. I made note of the fact that both of these rejections had occurred on Tuesday evenings. I plotted out a graph of all the rejections I’d been subject to since high school (and I had quite a good-sized sample). They’d all been on Tuesdays.

Why Tuesday, I wondered? I put together another graph with the days of the week on the horizontal axis and the whereabouts of every Jewish woman I knew on the vertical axis. And I discovered that none of them were ever around on Monday nights. (Of course, there were some outliers, but these were obviously decoys meant to lead me off the track.)

So Hebrewzzi, your blog-based wooing of Ms. Rut is doomed. Here’s the cold truth: every Monday night all the Jewish women in the world gather to plot out the humiliations they will inflict on Jewish guys during the week to come. Usually, they are so eager that they can’t wait and they carry out their scheme very next night. Mia Rut has recently been inducted into this sisterhood. And you’re at the top of her hit list.

Ask the obvious question: given the great Conspiracy of Jewish Women, how did I ever break free? How is it that I have been living happily with a Jewish woman for nearly 24 years?

It wasn’t easy, but here’s the secret. I found a Jewish woman who was willing to go out with me. And when she was looking the other way, I married her.

The story has a tragic ending, however. All my sacrifice, my decision to forego all those beautiful shiksas, has been for naught. You see, my wife and I have produced four children. Two strapping guys, Mia. Two vivacious girls, Hebrewzzi. And none of them are obnoxious, arrogant, creepy, or weird. You get what I mean? They’re not Jewish.

Read more by Haim at South Jerusalem

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