Sex & Love

The Profane and the Sacred

By Jamie Sneider / September 23, 2009

Comments (16)

I’m the only one in my immediate family who would ever go to Jewish services. My parents will go to a Bat Mitzvah or holiday feast, but my mom worships Bill Maher and George Carlin, and my dad is all about work-he does JDate, that’s about it. My sister is just not interested. I wonder why I have this desire to practice my Judaism. I spent the summer of my sophomore year at NYU in Krakow studying Eastern European Jewry and the Holocaust. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t interested and connected to Jewish history, yet I can’t find a lasting religious connection. I think it’s more my ignorance and frustration, rather than a stubborn disbelief. At this particular Friday night service, most people in the sanctuary knew when to bow and when to answer back. Most knew the Hebrew songs. I knew a few, but nothing compared to the rest of the congregation; I almost walked out. My ignorance, combined with harsh air-conditioning, made me feel stupid and miserable. I just wanted to leave, I wanted to go to 7-Eleven, buy a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, and begin my year feasting on junk food. Thinking about how bad of a decision that would be, I moved seats instead. I just had to stick with it. I looked at how many more pages we had left in the Rosh Hashanah liturgy and I resolved to make it through until the end. Though, I also spent a good deal of time eyeing a goyishe-looking Jewish fox behind the curtain. I thought I might see him at the singles mixer after the service. Motivated by his penis, I stayed. I had plans to meet my also-Jewish girlfriend after services to go to a strip club. I have to confess, throughout the whole service I kept thinking, "I’m a sinner. I’m a sinner." At one point, the Rabbi read a passage about God knowing the difference between the sacred and profane. "That’s me!" I thought, "I’m profane!" I texted my girlfriend: "Are you still up to going to Cheetahs Strip Club?" She texted back, "Yah! Are you?" I couldn’t bail on her. I’m trying to be more social, but I felt like it was a deliberate choice to start the year off with a sin. When I originally asked her if she wanted to come to temple with me, she wrote "No, I think I’m skipping temple this year. But thanks! Strippers should be enough for me to ring in the new year :)." Her clarity and directness was refreshing. "Fuck it," I thought, "I’m not canceling. I’m just gonna go."

As I walked down the narrow Beverly Hills side streets on the way to my car, I saw a few families (I think they were Persian) having Rosh Hashanah dinner on their balconies. Sounds of joy and conversation filled the warm night air, and I was jealous. I would rather have been with a family, enjoying brisket and kasha varnishkes, than at temple by myself. One day I’ll have a family like that, I thought to myself. Instead, I drove to Cheetahs in Hollywood to meet my girlfriend. Both events, the Temple and Cheetahs, were letdowns. I had built up both in my mind: a transformative night of prayer peppered with sex.

What I remember most about Cheetahs was talking to a stripper named Sarah. She wasn’t wearing an ounce of makeup, and her hair was scraggly and her grammar was poor. Despite the lack of effort, she still looked pretty. She was talking to us about how badly the economy has hit strip clubs, and how little she makes now – which is more than I make. Then she said "I’ve worked here for ten years." I found that shocking, because I haven’t done anything for ten years. Talk about commitment: ten years at the same strip club. I was amazed. My girlfriend and I joked that she should have a 401(k), or at least a pension plan. She told us that she also goes to school. Relatively, she has her shit together. I figured that she was the Mother Hen of Cheetahs, and she watched over all the girls. When a dancer from Switzerland approached the stage, Sarah commented, "I mean some dancers…like that heffa’, I mean come on!" The Swiss dancer was very voluptuous. She had rolls of stomach fat, but strangely, no cellulite. The skin on her legs was smooth and taut. "Look at that heffa’," Sarah repeated and walked away. We watched the "heffa’" dance. "Wow," I said to my girlfriend, "She is really hot. She is like sex personified." She danced like she was fucking the stage, but at first it wasn’t dirty; it was real clean. She wore this ballerina outfit, she had a Lolita look to her. See, Cheetahs is not a nude club. The girls wear panties or bathing suit bottoms and bra or bikini tops. It’s so you can drink. In California, nude clubs are dry. The Swiss dancer had on a pink bikini top, but not the kind of bikini top you can purchase at a swim store: this kind is only available at a Hollywood ‘specialty’ store. It was sparkly, pink and silver, and had two triangles that covered her chest. She also wore a black thong, which she lazily covered with a very short pink frilly skirt. That was a dirty outfit, so girly and naughty that it begged for a spanking. She came out and folded herself down into a split. She put her arms forward and held that position, crotch down to the floor. She writhed slowly on the ground. "Holy shit," I said to my girlfriend, "She is really dirty." That’s the thing with this girl, she wasn’t cheap, and she had no qualms about the extra fat on her stomach and neither did I. She was a woman and a girl all at once. Even while posed, her face remained cherubic. She looked only twenty-two or twenty-three. This plump ballerina wore pinkish lipstick and soft, rosy blush.

Watching her dance, none of the other girls compared. The Swiss girl smiled at me longer than a stripper ought to stare. She knew I approved. The other girls were dirtier, and I felt their self-loathing. No one turned me on like the Swiss girl. It’s not that I wanted to kiss her, but she had something that appealed to me: pride, brazenness, Chutzpah. Near the end of the night, my girlfriend and I talked about tattoos. She recently decided that she wanted one, and I recently settled on a design I could live with. I don’t have any tattoos, and I have never thought of getting one until now. I would get the word "COURAGE." Sure, it might sound juvenile, but it’s what I lack. I feel like I don’t always have the courage to be myself, and I need to be reminded. Still, I doubt that I will ever actually get a tattoo. No, I’m pretty positive that I won’t. You’re really not supposed to in the Jewish religion. Maybe it is just that I hate needles. I’m not sure what will happen in 5770. I’m not sure if I’ll continue going to temple or to strip clubs (not that I go to either very often), but I am sure that I will continue writing, and I will continue trying to have the courage and chutzpah. I will be brazen, I will be myself.

Comments (16)

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By x caliber 11/10/09 at 3:06 p.m. UTC
Not only do we have to deal with daylight-savings-time v EST, we have to keep track of two calendars as well (5770, 2009-3/4).

Don’t let Morgan get to you. Sometimes a person’s opinion consumes its value just by festering, but without expression, how would we know. Keep writing; I enjoyed – The Profane and the Sacred. In particular, I wonder about the diametrically opposed concept of going to a strip club after temple on a holiday. It never would have occurred to me but maybe I’ll give it a try in 5771.

Why raise the question of a woman going to a strip club? Personally, I wouldn’t mind a woman or two accompanying me. Think of the ego boost. As for women going to a strip club on their own, I think it takes a high level of self-confidence. Speaking as a Jewish man, I don’t think I’d ever be caught dead in a male strip club. Why? I can’t prove it but it’s the only reasonable explanation… the Mohel took too much.
By MegaJew 10/12/09 at 3:54 p.m. UTC
I spent a few tisha b’avs at wendy’s (double cheese). Yeah, it tastes great c’mon who are we kidding. Then i ran over a dog on the way back and I thought it was a sign….. (Maybe that i should keep a better eye out for dogs! )
By veganesther 10/8/09 at 9:30 p.m. UTC
Jamie, don’t guilt yourself into believing you started the New Year off sinning. Granted, a strip club is a bit perverse but if you took a survey of where unmarried adult Jews spent the yom tovim you might come up with a realistic portrait of who we really are.

Before I settled down and took on the mantle of carrying on our cultural traditions I did a number of unorthodox things on Rosh Ha Shona. Like tripping on mushrooms, going to the mall, staying in bed all day with a boyfriend ect..

Once you have kids and send them to hebrew school you can read over their holiday hand out sheets and help them practice reading hebrew. You can always learn along with the kids.
By MegaJew 10/8/09 at 2:03 p.m. UTC
I am not following what the sacred space has to do with Jamie’s Rosh Hashana experience. Can you please elaborate? Is the club neutral? spiritual? partly sacred? or fully so?
By jordansmith 10/5/09 at 1:44 a.m. UTC

Eliade claims that, whereas for non-religious man the spatial aspect of the world is basically experienced as uniformly neutral, for religious man it was experienced as non-homogeneous, partly sacred and partly not so. In particular, religious man experienced the world as having a sacred centre and sought to live there.Eliade qualifies his claim that modern, non-religious man experiences the spacial aspect of his world as uniformly neutral. In fact, the latter experiences particular locations as special on account of personal associations: locations such as his place of birth. This sort of experience is to be regarded as degraded religious experience.

http://www.themodernman.com/
By BrookeLynn 9/28/09 at 7:30 p.m. UTC
I hope all had a good fast.

This year I didn’t completely break down due to intense caffeine withdrawal! Midway through the day, I complained to my friend about the lack of a caffeine patch on the market. Moments later, a stranger leaned in beside me & whispered, ”I have an extra Rx Novartis caffeine suppository in my purse if you’d like it.” Divine Intervention, Aish-style!
By Morganfrost 9/25/09 at 4:24 p.m. UTC
If the concept of getting your act together is that mysterious to you, I’d recommend exploring it with your therapist. And I’m impressed that you made it all the way through my "54 comments" (even more, now!) and even took the trouble to selectively quote and misleadingly characterize one of them. Really, I’m touched, as it’s more effort than I have invested in your "3 comments."

"Art, expression, and story"– that’s what you’re calling it? Yes, Jamie, there are classics that might be characterized as lewd. But I’d hesitate to endorse your apparent conclusion that lewdness without more makes something a classic.
By TokenWASP 9/25/09 at 2:30 p.m. UTC
it’s been my experience that a woman at a strip club makes it just that much less squalid – it becomes a bit more than a gathering of a bunch of dirty old men.

I had a female colleague who would go, quite on her own, just because she enjoyed them. We were both in a strange city, seconded there by our bank, and one rainy crappy Saturday afternoon I walked into the one that had more or less become my local to find her sitting there, chatting up the girls and otherwise enjoying herself. Since I prefer my privacy I was about to respect hers when she motioned me over. We bought each other drinks, continued to chat up the girls and compare notes, and then a couple of hours later wished each other a good weekend at the door. We accompanied each other there on several occasions over the next two years – buying each other drinks and the odd lap dance – and never mentioned it on the outside, other than an email once in a while from either of us, simply entitled "Going Out?"

So I agree with you. It shouldn’t be seen as odd, or weird, or somehow off-putting. She appreciated the girls there for her own reasons, as any other person who would go to one would.
By BrookeLynn 9/25/09 at 3:34 a.m. UTC
Dear Jamie,
Congratulations for slogging all the way through that uninspiring Rosh Hashanah service. I lived in LA for one year and can completely relate with your struggle to feel connected in a meaningful, spiritual way. The beautiful people, outstanding weather, night clubs open 22/7, and easy access to every gourmet, designer, recreational drug on the planet can be very distracting. (Incidentally, I’m with Mike here, why go to a strip club in Los Angeles? Just head on down to Venice/Muscle Beach!  In addition, the thong-clad people you meet at a beach dance party are probably going to be much healthier than those you meet in a strip joint.)

While it’s disappointing to hear that temple missed the mark in trying to convey the importance of sanctity to meaning in one’s life, it’s equally saddening to recognize that the profane in the club didn’t jump out at you more. This will come more automatically once you’ve discovered those things within Judaism that resonate with you on a spiritual level. You won’t have to make such a concerted effort to find profanity; you’ll notice it’s around us constantly!

In your post, you refer to Sarah, somewhat endearingly, as "the Mother Hen". Jamie, would you want a mother referring to you as "that heffa"? Perhaps that Swiss dancer felt that her extra pounds worked as a nice insulator between her soul, which she was giving up a piece of every night, and her mean, back-stabby coworker(s). Or maybe it worked as a nice barrier between her sense of being & the regular crowd of desperate males that she’s there to dance for– the guys who are such jerks they could never find a women who would love them, and who couldn’t buy a date if they tried.  This bad economy has been a good thing for exotic dancers. Many have headed back to school. I’ve met TWO of these women recently. Each is persuing a degree in the healthcare field. It might not pay as well as stripping, but it’s steady work that should cause an increase in their self-respect, and as a consequence, an increase in their long-term satisfaction in life. Within the healthcare field (just for example) it’s amazing how seeing people who are fighting for their lives, or watching people who are desperately trying to conceive, can drastically change the value that you place on human life. Stripping in a club won’t deeply impact life for the better.

Since you happened to spend a fair amount of space describing the Swiss woman, and how much of a turn-on she was to you, I have to say the following–Jamie, in case you’re (actively) bisexual, I beg you to please stick to dating men only. The gay community has enough pressure on them without having to fight bisexuals who are wooing away their few dating prospects!

Back to the Jewish holidays now– I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t grow up in a family that really celebrated Rosh Hashanah, but do know this: you aren’t alone in your desire for a meaningful New Year, and an increase in your spiritual health. In a way, when given the choice, it can be much nicer to observe the High holidays with those who take it seriously, than with those in your family who just mark it as another social get-together. Concentrating on your spiritual growth will help you decide on your direction in life, and will assist you in discerning the best choices possible. As you’re in LA, I HIGHLY recommend the Yom Kippur alternative-classes that are being given on 9/27 & 9/28 at the Crowne Plaza Hotel on 1150 S. Beverly Dr. The ticket is only $50. & I think they even have some 2-for-1 deal going on. Please check them out at www.AishLA.com

p.s. Don’t feel obligated to fast to the point of illness! Nearly every single year I forget to wean myself off of caffeine in advance. I have to go cold turkey. It so happens, that I steadily consume an entire pot of coffee every day between the hours of 8am & 2pm.  Due to this, I almost always have a strong headache on Yom Kippur. Although I’m not acting as "observant" as I should, I allow myself a cup or two of coffee so that I can function as a human. And by 2pm, I’ve left Aish, & I consider my fast to be over. For me, I like ending the holy day on a high note. If I go any longer than 2pm or 3pm without food, I’ve turned into a complete grouchy bitch, working way too hard to try to contain my level of irritation, & consequently this does not fair well with my ability to feel spiritually nurtured.

I apologize this is so long! Hopefully in this diatribe you can find something of value!

I wish you the best in your endeavors,

Shana Tova,

Brookelynn
By mikewinddale 9/24/09 at 5:34 p.m. UTC
As I said, "I mean no offense, but I’m just a bit confused." In other words, my words were a request for clarification, not a criticism.
By Emily Goldsher 9/24/09 at 4:57 p.m. UTC
This piece aside, can you really NOT understand why a woman might be at
a strip club? Maybe for the EXACT SAME REASONS as a man? Or because
she finds a woman’s body exciting? Or beautiful? Or is looking for a
thrill? It’s very easy to be attracted to both genders.

I don’t understand how asking why a woman is at a strip club would EVER be a valid criticism of this article, or any article!!
By TokenWASP 9/24/09 at 4:38 p.m. UTC
Does Ms. Sneider’s location make her resolve somehow less valid? While I will confess that a strip club might not be the first place most people think of, does it matter whether it was there or in some cold smelly yurt?

What matters is that she found it, and I for one wish her well in her journey. And thanks for not getting the tattoo.
By mikewinddale 9/24/09 at 3:53 p.m. UTC
I mean no offense, but I’m just a bit confused: what exactly was your reason for going to a strip club? I mean, I know why men go, but why does a woman eyeing the "fox behind the curtain" go to a strip club to see other women? I’m just confused. Sorry!
By Jamie Sneider 9/24/09 at 3:36 p.m. UTC
"How about just getting your act together…"

Morgan, what does getting my act together entail? Just curious.

Why I write has nothing to do with either of your conclusions. The base of what I write begins with the truth and hopefully is transformed into art, expression and story.

As a reader, I don’t read smut or erotica – I enjoy quite serious subjects, but I write about what I find curious, or what I wrestle with. If it’s not for you, which clearly it isn’t, that’s fine, but there are tons of classics that are quite lewd.

OH AND – just because I’m feeling punchy…I decided to look at your other "54 comments" which include telling a woman who supports abortion to get "yourself aborted" along with your other biting critiques, and it made me feel better.
By Morganfrost 9/24/09 at 2:41 p.m. UTC
but I am sure that I will continue writing, and I will continue trying to have the courage and chutzpah

How about just getting your act together and not shamelessly throwing out for public consumption every lewd thought that crosses your mind? Are you writing exclusively as a vent for your own neuroses, or to provoke voyeuristic responses?
By Jessica Pauline 9/23/09 at 6:01 p.m. UTC
great post, jamie! as someone who is likewise comfliced about my love of the sordid and my place in it all, thank you for writing this.

Jessica Pauline