Sex & Love
Live Blogging the First Day of Gay Marriage in California
By Marty Beckerman / June 17, 2008
Monday, June 16, 5:01 p.m.: Robin Tyler and Diane Olsen, who w
on their California Supreme Court case to get married, are the first gay couple wed at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. The mayor of San Francisco officiates at the wedding of a lesbian couple in their eighties. (The ceremony was delayed because one of the octogenarian's dentures was stuck in the other's birth canal. Surgeons arrived promptly.) In heaven, Jesus cries and contemplates suicide, but settles on slashing his wrists in the bathtub with a Gillette Venus Vibrance Soothing Vibrations Razor for Women.
Tuesday, June 17, 8 a.m.: According to Agence France Presse (which is, let us not forget, French, and therefore will be referred to henceforth as Agence Freedom Presse), courthouses and clerks across California issued a "tidal wave of marriages" to same-sex couples, including Star Trek actor George Takei, who commands his new husband to immediately "beam up—you know where." Elsewhere in Hollywood, William Shatner contemplates facing the forbidden, sultry truth that resides—has always resided—at the bottom of his soul and the center of his loins, but concludes, "I can't do it, Captain… I… just… don't… have… the… power."
9:30 a.m.: Thousands of gay couples are now officially married. Experts suggest that half of the couples in state will wed, along with nearly 70,000 from other states. Right-wing radio personalities shriek that heterosexual marriage will cease to exist due to the "gay agenda," whatever that is.
9:37 a.m.: Heterosexual marriage ceases to exist. Millions upon millions of Californian adults file for divorce and commence sodomizing one another. (According to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, this turn of events is "inexplicable and vicious." He then paused to wipe his semen-drenched beard with one hand and give Anderson Cooper a reach-around with the other; Lou Dobbs masturbated while videotaping his colleagues, although he was unable to focus due to having Larry King's shriveled member inside of him) A homosexual orgy of biblical proportions stretches from San Diego to Santa Cruz, winning the Guinness World Record for "consecutive leapfrog train." Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who enters his Junior costar Danny DeVito, proclaims himself "the Terminator—of your ass."
10:55 a.m.: The California State Senate dissolves the California Supreme Court, which is promptly replaced with the Rules Committee of the North American Man-Boy Love Association. (In unrelated news, former Malcom in the Middle star Frankie Muniz dies of severe rectal bleeding. He should have never agreed to literally become "Malcolm in the Middle.")
12:46 p.m.: No longer satisfied with their newfound addiction to homosexual lovemaking, Californians turn their sexual attention to household pets, exotic zoo animals, seagulls, livestock, and Robin Williams. The entity formerly known as the California Supreme Court legalizes human-beast marriage, but only for same-sex humans and beasts.
2:19 p.m.: Every pregnant woman in California secures an immediate abortion, no matter how many months their fetus has had to develop, because procreation is a symbol of the Time That Once Was and Must Never Be Spoken Of. Everyone under the age of 60 is sterilized, either by chemicals or blades, which isn't actually necessary considering that everyone is exclusively fucking those of their own gender, but you can never be too safe.
3:39 p.m.: The American Family Association challenges the California Supreme Court decision; the U.S. Supreme Court immediately takes the case, but the plan backfires on the social conservatives when Justices Scalia and Alito realize that Justice Roberts is a pretty handsome guy for 53. (He's no John Edwards, of course, but somehow he is both rugged and boyish, which drives Clarence Thomas absolutely insane.) The Supremes rule that Christianity is illegal and shall henceforth be replaced with the Temple of Phallus.
3:45 p.m.: Sen. Barack Obama announces that he is the Antichrist, made flesh by the devil seed of Lucifer and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had tons of gay sex. Sen. John McCain bows to Obama's awesome Satanic power, pledges all of his delegates to the Democratic nominee-in-waiting and then desperately suckles upon the younger black man's scrotum, which tastes like a combination of honey and rose petals.
5:26 p.m.: The United Nations acknowledges King Obama as Supreme Leader of the World.
5:27 p.m.: The white race is enslaved. Islam owns the earth.
5:28 p.m.: Jesus Christ returns from the astral plane, defeats the Kingdom of Beelzebub with his Majestic Sword of Glory, liberates the captives, raises the dead from their graves, and reigns for a thousand years of tranquility and light. (The scrapes on his wrists have healed. He didn't really want to die anyway; he just wanted the girls at school to notice how much they hurt his feelings when they ignored him.) Nobody ever has gay sex again, because heaven on earth is gay enough already. Seriously. You remember the last five minutes of The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? It's just like that. Only gayer.
POST A COMMENT
I am struggling, absolutely struggling, to remember anything I have ever read that was less funny. It's not that you werent trying to be funny. And its not that I dont have a sense of humor. It's that this was pathetic in its lack of self-awareness, i.e. your complete ignorance that what you thought was funny was — well — not.
Sure, they feel nice. Duh.They breed effectively, too. But, will their owners continue to be honored and respected real wives? Don't answer fast!
Could we stop saying "breed"? That's for animals. We are people. Calling heterosexuals "breeders" is just another group slur, so you might criticize people for doing that, if you have time. "Tax-payer producer" is crude too, but more fully descriptive.
It is great that you are standing up for free speech. You mean, we can't say "Take my wife please" any more? However, I wonder if you have chosen the easier territory to defend, jokes, rather than the more difficult terrain found at the corner of Right-and-Wrong Street and What-Really-Works-Long-Term Avenue. Â
However, it is great you are defending anything at all! Few do, these days. Too scared of being voted off the island, into …. an orthodox neighborhood. Oh nooooooooo …Â
Actually, anybody who's tired of trying to make a female lawyer laugh can mosey on over to Orthodox Judaism, where in return for a not checking your email on Saturday you are GUARANTEED a wife, genuine children, some of whom might be male, and a real, handmade hot meals. You have to work for it, naturally, but at least you GET RESULTS. By contrast, this business of getting free drinks may NOT bring much return. You hope. They KNOW. And you know very well that nothing is ever really free.
"Mopping-up"? Sounds like a good party….
Dude, vaginas feel nice. They have always felt nice. They always will feel nice. The human race will continue to breed. It's going to be okay.
However, there is a radical element of the gay rights lobby that wants to suppress free speech — criminalizing religious beliefs and harmless jokes as "incitement to hatred" — and that's just as disgusting as suppressing the freedom of adult same-sex couples to do whatever they want. I get into this quite a bit in my forthcoming book.
But seriously, vaginas are fantastic.
What you are forgetting, Marty, is the passage of time. In the immediate present, it doesn't look like that big a deal. Just a few. But ten or fifteen years later, it's a whole different world. On this issue, the happiness and rights of the few -five percent-should have had to make the regrettably difficult and dangerous sacrifice for the good of the other ninety-five percent.
We're supposed to be environmentally conscious, right? What's our one little tin can or our one little plastic bottle? Ah, but "it all adds up over time"! Re-cycle, don't toss it! Well, the same principle operates here. It all adds up, over time. Yes, the old way was hard on this minority. That is sad. But, they should stay a minority, and they are not going to. Say goodbye, Marty, you old guy, to the world you knew. In an amazingly few years, you won't know where to turn or hide. If you go to the gym and stay in shape, you will be endlessly pressured, and, if you don't go, you will be disdained and insulted, as one of THEM. Those relics from the bad old past. Nobody is going to give you a seat on the bus, grandpa. It will be very different. As for your putative children….
"Ladies! Now we guys don't even need you for that marriage thing. Ha! That was the last thing we needed you for, since we learned how to cook, or order food in, and do laundry, but no more! Now we don't need you for ANYTHING! You can take a hike, and see how you like kissing each other, you silly libber dames with your fancy degrees and your assertive attitudes. It's a little late for me. But, today's boys will grow up with A LOT MORE OPTIONS than taking the crap from women I see around me. Hurray. Finally. Today's girls want to play soccer, and run for class president? Fine. Let them. We'll see who cries last. Thank God almighty, free at last."
Cute.
so much for the myth of jewish intelligence.
so much for the rumour of jewish humor.
Fucking Brilliant Marty!
Wonderful!
Wanna post your own comments? Gotta log in first!