Sex & Love
Is JDate Bad for Women?
By Izzy Grinspan / February 11, 2008
Is JDate a feminist issue? The Jewish quarterly journal Lilith certainly thinks so — their winter issue devotes over eight pages to a package looking at the negative effects of Internet dating on Jewish women.
Trying and failing to find love online, writes Susan Shnur, makes women (especially those in their thirties and older) “feel isolated and at fault.” Male-female ratios are roughly equal on dating sites, but women don’t get nearly as many responses as men. When they do find likely candidates, those guys often turn out to be self-centered, married, or both. And online dating promotes a shopping mentality, wherein it’s easy to click past the pretty-good profiles in search of more perfect acquisitions.
I buy all of these facts, but I’m not sure it helps to blame JDate for the unhappiness of unmarried Jewish women. Love was unfair long before the rise of Internet dating, and while sites like JDate definitely encourage non-empathetic behavior, I don’t believe that breaks down by gender. (Shnur inadvertently backs me up on this — all of her quotes about dating-as-shopping come from women.)
To me, it seems like that sense of isolation and personal failure felt by older single Jewish women might be less about the beastliness of the Internet and more about our culture’s unhealthy emphasis on making babies. Mainstream American culture is baby-crazy to begin with, but the amount of pressure on Jewish women is drastically increased because we’re not just supposed to be fulfilling our womanly destinies – we’re supposed to be ensuring the survival of our race.
No one ever says it outright, but if intermarriage is 'finishing what Hitler started' (as the trolls like to point out in our comments section) because it produces insufficiently Jewish children, then what about those Jewish women who don’t produce any children at all? Are they, like, Goebbels's little helpers? And isn't that adding insult to injury — taking women who already feel rejected due to their unsuccessful JDate profiles, and then telling them nothing they accomplish in life matters if they don't have kids? If that's the case, maybe we Jewish feminists should be less worried about the fact that online dating is an impersonal experience, and more worried about how even in this enlightened age — a time when egalitarianism is utterly the norm in some strains of Judaism, e.g. the female-rabbi–dominated Reform movement — we’re still haranguing women to work those wombs.
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I was never a fan of the merchandise on jdate. Most Jewish men there (and yes I am specifying Jewish men because these days there are all different kinds of people on Jdate) put in an age range that ends at n-1. Personally I am not interested in dating a guy who will only date younger women. It’ a good tip off that he wants some dominion, control and at least a facsimile of a traditional relationship. Also in metro NY, most of the guys are in real estate and finance and don’t seem to like their jobs, and unhappy guys don’t make the best dates.
Izzy made an excellent point earlier regarding first date pressure.  I actually had a fairly long discussion last summer with a Jewish co-worker.  She mentioned that she finds dating Jewish guys stressful in a way she doesn't with non-Jews because she's constantly wondering, "if he's the man I'm going to marry."  I was struck by how true her statement was and I think Izzy's idea that the childbearing focus forces us to have our antennae up a bit more when dating Jewish guys is a really interesting one.  I've definitely felt that urge in the past and I think I was willing to overlook a lot of faults with men because I was just excited they were Jewish.  I'm still in graduate school and not in a rush to have children (if ever), but I'm to the point where I'll only date Jews.  Perhaps the childbearing question is more on my mind than I originally thought…
Where does one go to meet a potential Jewish mate? Good question, but why is this something so prevalent today, that there are so many Jewish singles who are not finding ways to meet. It shouldn't have to be that going on the internet and looking at a picture and reading a superficial profile about hopes and desires, feels like the only way to find a Jewish partner. Whatever happened to going out in a group and meeting people the "old fashion" way? Maybe the issue is that Jewish singles today are way too concerned with the fact that they are single and instead of having a friend fix them up, or going out in the social scene to meet people, they instead spend way too much time on sites like J-date and after awhile of not getting any hits start to obsess and feel bad about themselves. Maybe people should spend this time in a more constructive way and not dote on the single factor.
And Craig, your sick.
That's cause gossip magazines are marketed towards stay-at-home moms (whom is probably pregnant) with nothing better to do.
There's no movie about the joys of abortion becausemost people don't think abortion is to be celebrated.
I think I grok what you're trying to say in your last reply, Izzy, but it needs further explanation. I made a long comment way back about how I believe 'Menachem's Seed' travels well and seems to prevail biologically in mixed offspring. (also title of great book on reproduction from another jenius, Carl Djerassi) This does not mean that over time inter-marriage won't weaken the only DNA largely shaped by it's own myths, however. And unfortunately the fact that the gene pool will be diluted in future seems inevitable.
Personally I would like to see more discussion on core issues concerning Jewish evolution and it's future rather than focus on one small aspect of the larger issue; the impact of gene diffusion on an ethnicity that remained united throughout centuries of diaspora, bonded primarily by blood and ancient tales. That paradigm clearly won't fly in today's world, and Jewcy has the potential to provide an updated, scientific interpretation of The Torah instead of the ramifications of one small aspect of the Jewish gestalt.
For what it's worth, I think J-date is a good thing, and would like to see more sites like it. Just because a DNA 'diaspora' is certain, that doesn't mean trying to maintain these unbelievably successful chains of unique genetic construction where ever possible and for as long as possible isn't a worthwhile endeavor.
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