Dear Rep. Weiner,
Are you kidding me? I “looked away” as you publicized your junk since I’m all for my politicians transparently showing me what they’re working with. So you’re monogamish. Own it! Why did you lie like it was 1998? Then you started talking shit about Jewesses being bad at head. Still a liar. And now we’re supposed to consider you a credible, on-the-people’s-side source of insight on all things penis as you tell us to make like the San Franciscans? I’m starting to wonder who’s fleecing you.
Listen, you gotta allocate responsibilities to your constituents down below: leave the three-act thematic setups to Ira Glass and the dick talk to the AMA (who, by the way, can make a dent by formalizing education on proper stank control for boys and girls and hippies). Instead of strapping a cockring on things that are better left unrestricted by church and state, pull a Bloomberg: put on your grill and hustle up some more revenue for us (head West, young man). I think you’ve given us enough to wrap our mouths around for a minute.
Warmest,
Bambi
PS: Mazel tov on the bagel dog in the oven.