Sex & Love
Do You Like Being Married?
By Elizabeth Wurtzel / May 13, 2008
From: Elizabeth Wurtzel To: Ben Karlin
Hey, sorry I've been a bit slow to reply. It's been a weird 24 hours.
First, someone posted a really quite funny joke on the Yale Law School electronic bulletin board that was a mock-up of a Harvard Crimson article that said I had been hired as a professor at Harvard Law School. Some people thought it was actually serious! I guess April Fool's Day was a while ago, but I am, as anyone can tell you, not particularly a legal scholar, so it seemed an obvious lampoon. But crazier things have happened.
Then I had to figure out if I was actually going to write this op-ed piece which could be really bad for Obama, who I like. The problem is, it could be bad for me too, because it's about his friendship with the leaders of the Weather Underground, and I think unless I condemn them utterly I look like a bad person.
Then some other things happened, but I can't remember what they are.
Life never really stops being high school, which is worrisome, though I suppose I've made an effort to never quite escape college.
So, back to your question: What am I looking for? I am not going to say that old trope that I'd like someone with a sense of humor, because EVERYBODY says that, and what does that even mean? I'm afraid the answer really is tall, handsome and smart, everything else is just extra. I really like the standard good things. All my boyfriends have been the theme, with very little variation on the theme. They've all been kind of obvious choices, except that they have been terribly difficult, given me a hard time, made my life unmanageable–and I think I've had enough of that.
What's your wife like? How long have you been married? Do you like being married? Someone I know who is happily married recently described the whole thing to me as kind of tawdry, and he didn't mean it in a bad way. I think I know what he was trying to say. Just getting through the day is kind of tawdry.
Did want to mention, by the way, that they've come a long way toward treating psoriasis, so there's no reason you should have to live with the condition. But imperiousness–not so much. I mean, the only treatment is meeting someone who knows how to handle it.
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What's your wife like? How long have you been married? Do you like
being married? Someone I know who is happily married recently described
the whole thing to me as kind of tawdry, and he didn't mean it in a bad
way. I think I know what he was trying to say. Just getting through the
day is kind of tawdry.
When we got married I was about as in touch with being Jewish as I was with a fly buzzing around the room. It was an intermarriage. That said, I wouldn't trade her for the world.
How long have you been married?
We've been together for a little over twenty years and married for eighteen. My first marriage, her second. None of our parents has been divorced or buried a spouse.
What's your wife like?
I look at her pictures. They look different, but the camera must be lying. To my eyes she looks just like she did then.
5'4", 135 pounds, Afro-Chinese (Heterozygocity rules!) but grew up in Africa where she was (of course) European, formerly a biologist, now a data programmer for the local public schools. Frighteningly intelligent. Used to be an atheist, took bayat and became a Sufi a couple years back and started turning out really good poetry a few weeks later (about 800 poems and one book so far), likes to read. A good martial artist, prefers the short knife and the .38 Colt Diamondback revolver. Wore black and earth tones when she was younger and wanted to be valued for her skills and intelligence. Now dresses more colorfully since she doesn't have those insecurities. Has never worn high heeled shoes or any kind of makeup.Â
OR
Not terribly sociable, but utterly devoted to a small group of close friends. A very incisive judge of people. Naturally very tidy. Has immense patience with her loved ones. Very hard-headed (in elementary school she was called "The Stone") and just as soft-hearted. She will push through adversity and take whatever damage is necessary to get through the crisis. Then she will go off somewhere private to collapse and get back in the groove. She came to religion when one serious hit from life took her to the end of herself. When she's not interested or doesn't think something is worth the trouble that's the end of the issue as far as she's concerned.
Do you like
being married?
Do you like weather? Not the weather we're having today, just the existence of weather. Some days the weather is nice. Sometimes you get up and curse it. Most days it's just there, a simple fact of existence.
There are days when we're irritated with each other. There are days when we're passionate about each other, although that takes a little work after the first couple years. There are days when we just get by on autopilot. That's all weather. What's important is that we're devoted to each other and to the health of our marriage. That means learning to live with the little things and do what is necessary about the big ones.
What am I looking for? I am not going to say that old
trope that I'd like someone with a sense of humor, because EVERYBODY
says that, and what does that even mean? I'm afraid the answer really
is tall, handsome and smart, everything else is just extra. I really
like the standard good things. All my boyfriends have been the theme,
with very little variation on the theme. They've all been kind of
obvious choices, except that they have been terribly difficult, given
me a hard time, made my life unmanageable–and I think I've had enough
of that.
If you do the same thing and get the same result you don't like, maybe it's time to change what you do. Good looking is nice. Tall is nice. That's your genes saying "I think there's something there I'd like to recombine with."Â
Nice isn't the same as important. If you want a marriage, not just a few nights of count the legs and divide by two, you'll find that looks are not very important. Intelligence is important. Warmth and consideration are very important. Remember, this is someone you will be sharing a bed, a joint checking account, chores, maybe children, vacations, hopes, fears, tears, sorrow and joy with. If you're lucky it will be for the rest of your life. This isn't about having a trophy to show off to your girlfriends. It's about practically living inside each other's skin. You won't have
many secrets from each other, no not even those ones. You will have to
depend on each other every day. And you will not just be two people.
You will be part of something else and have to be willing to make room
for that in just about everything you do.
That cute butt will sag. He will still snore. And odds are he won't pick up after himself. That's just how it goes. But I will tell you a secret that every loving couple knows. If you don't insist on beauty in your spouse you will discover something. He really is beautiful. You simply weren't able to see it before.Â
There are much more important questions about a man you're thinking of marrying.
Will he treat you well? Will he care for you? Can he shoulder his financial end of the marriage? Are your plans for children compatible? Does his heart speed up and his eyes light up when he sees you? Is he willing to be more than he thought he could be for you? Is he patient and kind with you for your sake? Is he responsible? Do you get along well enough in bed? Do you enjoy each other's company? Is he willing to back you to the hilt in public and keep your private troubles private? Will he keep your secrets? Can you live with his boundaries? Does he respect yours? Are you the most precious thing in his world?Â
married for 41 years, a teacher for 35Â and a Baha'i for 49.-Ron Price, Tasmania,Aust.
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 SORTING OUT
"With my first marriage," wrote Bertrand Russell in his autobiography, "I entered upon a period of great happiness and fruitful work. Having no emotional troubles, all my energies went in intellectual directions."1 Marriage also brought, for Russell, a contentment and a taking pleasure in what he calls his "flippant cleverness." "With each of my marriages, though, first in 1967 and then in 1975," I could write in trying to summarize some equivalent experience, "I entered upon periods of demanding employment and demanding personal relationships in new towns and new organizations."
The period of happiness and fruitful work in my life that was the equivalent of Russell's had to wait until the time I took early retirement at the age of 55 in 1999 after I had had 32 years of practice at matrimony and still, until at least 2002(35 years of practice) the marital road was slippery. For me the road has been long, stony and tortuous–but there has been a payoff in these years of late adulthood(60 to 80)-Ron Price in TasmaniaÂ
-Ron Price with thanks to Bertrand Russell, Autobiography: 1872-1914, George Allen and Unwin 1967, p.126.
It was all so fresh back then,
shiny, new, gold and brown,
sweet loveliness, as much as
any man could ask for.
The road became long and tortuous,
yielded such a mixed delight.
And now I want to ease myself
into life's river and watch it flow
to the sea: protect my sensitivities
with well-developed masks1
for the inevitable social dramas
where the secret places of my mind
so rarely ever find a public ear.
I have created, here, a self-portrait
for anyone to read revealing
as it does what I have done
with this poetic idiom to express
and defend myself and deal with
my ever-active, intensely conscious
guilt, especially in the dark night when
I try to sort out the mysterious trials
of an inscrutable Deity and what feels
like an immense weight from the centre
of my heart to the several lobes of my brain.
1 This poem draws heavily on 'the introduction' to Selected Letters of Robert Frost, editor, Lawrance Thompson, Jonathan Cape, London, 1965.
Ron Price
28 June 2002
(updated in response to
Elizabeth Wurtzel, May 13, 2008)
I loved being single. Dated a lot. Met some great women I could never imagine marrying. I had too much to do. But when I was 24, I met a woman who scared my friends; they said so, at the very function where we all met. She scared them, I think, because she spoke clearly and in full sentences, thinking first. She made and held eye contact when she spoke. Her clarity, her poise (even though she was a little nervous), her curiosity about others, and her unpretentious intelligence, may have put my friends off, but it was irresistible to me. We were married within 10 months. That was 29 years ago, and I love her more all the time.
We haven't had kids, a decision that was made one instance at a time. If you choose not to risk it enough times the years add up and you haven't. Some regrets, but not many, because what we care about most is each other. I don't really know what's made it work. What does real love look like for us? Having a life that allows us to talk every day — over breakfast or drinks. We may not get into much, but we're there and available, and ready to listen, and ready to respond. When we've been traveling separately, we make sure we have plenty of time to catch up. Like most things in life, all I have to do to have fun with my wife is pay attention.
She never hurts me intentionally. Never fucks with my mind (about anything important). Never prefers indirect communication (about anything emotional or involving our relationship) over direct communication. I tell her when I'm agitated or pissed. She does the same. We're not afraid to fight. And we're not afraid to see therapists, alone or together. And we're ready and willing to change. My motto: remain flexible until rigidity counts. We're also lucky: we've had good health, good families, good friends.
Oh, and she trusts me to have girlfriends — as friends. She knows I need them, that I love the company of women. I can stay out late with them, travel with them, evn share hotel rooms with them… yes, I know, it's un-fucking-believable. Infidelity has danced through my dreams, and has laid a minefield through some of my days, but my wife's trust has kept me true. I try to return it. That's love to me.
But I'll go back to paying attention. When I pay attention to her, I see all the things I first fell in love with, plus the remarkable woman she's become. When she pays attention to me, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Self-absorption, probably the most pervasive personality trait I see in people, may make relationships next to impossible. When I step away from the mirror, metaphorically, I become more thoughtful, more curious, kinder, and more loving. I become a guy who is easy to love.
That's a quick screed of why my marriage has worked so far (and for as great as it is, I know I could always fuck it up)– right off the top of my head.
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