Religion & Beliefs
What Do Half-Jewish People Want from the Jewish Establishment?
By Robin Margolis / November 18, 2009
Many Jewish groups are tired of listening to me badger them — by email, listserv, message board, phone, and carrier pigeon — for specific outreach to adult children and grandchildren of intermarriage. Some of them wish I and the Half-Jewish Network would just (expletive deleted) off.
Others have asked me, with the exasperation of an adult who has been relentlessly nagged by a three year old for an entire Shabbat weekend, "So what do half-Jewish people really want, anyway?" That’s an easy question for me to answer — we want the same resources and help that are given to interfaith couples and Jews by Choice (converts). Now. Yesterday would have been nice, too. So why don’t these programs exist? Ghosts In The Communal Attic Once of my biggest problems in advocating for adult children and other descendants of intermarriage is convincing Jewish outreach organizations and Jewish communal groups to admit that we actually exist. Now, you’d think the documented existence of over 300,000 of us in the United States, and thousands more elsewhere in the Diaspora and Israel would be proof that we exist. We are estimated to be 48% of all Jewish-identified college students in the United States. But officially, for many Jewish organizations, we don’t exist. Over twenty years ago, in the late 1980s, American Jewish outreach professionals — at that time a tiny network of a few rabbis, Jewish social workers, sociologists, and interfaith couples — adopted a "raising Jewish children" strategy for interfaith family outreach. Ironically, this outreach strategy helped continue our exclusion from many Jewish communities. This requires some explanation. The Origins Of The "Raising Jewish Children" Policy The "raising Jewish children" advocates saw only two outcomes for us: either our interfaith parents must raise us as a "real Jews," in a very draconian manner — no Christmas trees or Rastafari posters! Every trace of our "non-Jewish" parent’s heritage to be banished from the house! — or if we were not raised as Jews in a very strict manner, we were to be treated as "non-Jews" who must convert as adults through the "Jews by Choice" programs. And whether we were raised as "real Jews," or became adult "non-Jews" to be placed in "Jews by Choice" programs as adults, we would never need any special outreach programs, unlike interfaith couples and Jews by Choice. At least that’s what the tiny outreach network of the late 1980s thought. Children of intermarriage who were already teens and adults in the late 1980s were to be written off as a "lost generation," in the words of one rabbi. No resources were to be provided for outreaching them. This decision meant that thousands of potential adult Jews were simply abandoned in the 1980s and 1990s, and many could not find ways into the hostile Jewish community of that era. As a much younger adult in that era, and often the only adult child of intermarriage present at these outreach policy discussions, I vigorously protested the policy of abandoning the Baby Boomer and early Gen X teen and adult children of intermarriage as a "lost generation" and the harsh "raising Jewish children" policies that scrubbed every vestige of the other parent’s culture out of the house. I was frequently told that Jewish outreach needn’t concern itself with people like me — because interfaith family programs would ramp up so quickly that most young children of intermarriage then existing in the late 1980s — the late Gen X and the early Gen Y Millenials — would be raised as "real Jews." People like myself — already teens and adults — were to be regarded as expendable. But how has this worked in actual practice? Raising "Jewish Children" It must be understood that the great "ramp up" of interfaith family outreach programs has never taken place. Despite all of the Jewish communal complaints about intermarriage, they’ve never been willing to put their money where their mouths were. Pennies out of every federation budget were allotted to a few overworked outreach professionals, who could contact only a small number of interfaith couples. So most of the adult children of intermarriage around today were raised outside of Judaism. How did the "raising Jewish children" policy work for the minority of children of intermarriage who were "raised Jewish"? Under the draconian "raising Jewish children" of twenty years ago, all vestiges of our non-Jewish parent’s heritage were to be banished from the house. The policy intended that we would grow up to be "real Jews" — clones of the middle class Ashkenazi Jews of today — with no input from our "non-Jewish" parent — you know, the Swedish Lutheran or Afro-Jamaican who gave birth to us or sired us? Made our school lunches? Drove to us to Hebrew school? Who bequeathed us her blonde hair and that miserable asthma or his Jamaican dreadlocks and sense of humor? This policy hasn’t worked well. Even the children raised as "real Jews" are aware that the other parent is, well — Swedish, or African-American or Korean — and, if they forget it, some other Jews with more curiosity than tact are plenty willing to remind them: "You look kinda Swedish. Are you black? Hey, are you an Asian convert?" The "raising Jewish children" policy of twenty years ago has left some young adult half-Jewish people ashamed of their other heritage, which they then try to play down, referring to their other heritage as "my non-Jewish relatives." Sometimes the ethnicity and religion of their "other" relatives are never discussed, as if their other heritage was a sordid family secret involving criminal activity. Some "raised Jewish" young adults won’t date other half-Jewish people or make friends with them, focusing on filling up their social circles only with born Jews with two Jewish parents. They sometimes advocate for Jewish communal policies that discriminate against other half-Jewish people — a Stockholm Syndrome reaction. I have listened with dismay and incredulity to adult children and grandchildren of intermarriage defend and make excuses for many Jewish communal policies that harm us, such as our exclusion from a teen Jewish summer camp, Israel’s increasingly harsh "who is a Jew" policies directed against us, and the failure of Jewish institutions to set up outreach programs for us. Multicultural And Multiracial Jews Of Future Will Get Better Outreach "Raising Jewish children" policies are starting to relax a little. As Judaism grows more multicultural and multiracial, outreach workers have realized that the world will not end if children being raised as "real Jews" have an African-American father who celebrates Kwanzaa every year. Outreach workers have a lot more knowledge of interfaith family issues than they did twenty years ago, and do not advocate policies as rigid as those of the past. It is slowly being recognized in Jewish outreach circles that a child can be raised as a "real Jew" and still learn, in a respectful manner, enough about their other family and heritage so that they are comfortable with both heritages. The multicultural and multiracial Jews being raised today will have a better environment than the first wave of "raised Jewish" children. But a lot of harm has been done to the "raised Jewish" young adult children of intermarriage in the meantime. People concealing their "non-Jewish" family members from other Jews, or defending Jewish communal policies that discriminate against them, have been deprived of key aspects of themselves and their family histories that they will need in the future. We’re Not Jews By Choice So what about the majority of adult children of intermarriage, raised outside of Judaism? Weren’t the late Gen X and Gen Y half-Jewish folks raised outside of Judaism supposed to accept the "non-Jewish" status decreed for us by Jewish outreach two decades ago and be trooping into the Jews by Choice programs? Weren’t those of us who are Baby Boomers and early Gen Xers simply supposed to disappear? That policy hasn’t worked out either. Many of us weren’t willing to disappear or convert. We see Jews with two Jewish parents who were raised in other faiths or as "nothing" being welcomed back into Jewish communities with no demands for conversion or disappearance placed on them at all. There is no difference between them and us, except that we have one non-Jewish parent. It also turned out that while Jews by Choice programs and other general outreach programs could teach us the basics of Judaism, they couldn’t address many of our identity issues. We have very different issues from people with no Jewish ancestry who are converting to Judaism. For example, Jews by Choice materials often talk about how grateful they are to be taken into the Jewish people. We admire and respect their position, and it’s a rational one for them, but that’s not the outlook of many half-Jewish people. Just so you know, we’re not grateful. Why should we be grateful? Many of us believe that we are born into the Jewish people, and are upset at being chronically rebuffed and snubbed by Jewish institutions. Why should we be appreciative for doors that are repeatedly slammed on our feet? And since the majority of children of intermarriage are continuing to be raised outside of the Jewish community, a new "lost generation" of adult children of intermarriage is being created — most Jewish outreach efforts still ignore us to this day. We Need Outreach That Is Directed Specifically Towards Us So here’s what we need — the same resources that are already available for interfaith couples and Jews by Choice. We’d like pamphlets welcoming us. How about some video documentaries on our issues? It wouldn’t hurt to see more books written for us. Podcasts would be nice. We need one person, preferably the child or grandchild of intermarriage themselves, to be designated as our contact person in every Jewish institution. Jewish communal professionals need training on how to outreach us. We want discussion groups for us in synagogues, just like the interfaith couples and Jews by Choice have. Most importantly, we need to be listed as a specific demographic in every discussion of Jewish outreach. It wouldn’t hurt if every Jewish institution in the world had a short welcoming message for us on their website and a link beneath it to a one page downloadable PDF pamphlet basically saying, "Adult Children and Grandchildren of Intermarriage: Welcome to Congregation Me’arah Shanda (Cave of Shame)! We eagerly seek your membership – someone has to help us finish paying off the expensive settlement on our previous rabbi’s sexual harassment lawsuit. (He’s been fired.) We’ve appointed our cantor, who is the grandchild of an intermarriage, to facilitate a once a month discussion group for you. So, do we have a deal?" That would work. Ask yourself — couldn’t your Jewish secular or spiritual organization use a few more members? Some extra volunteers? Be Honest With Us About Half-Jewish People and Israel We need you to be truthful with us about how poorly Israel treats members of interfaith families. With regard to Israel, we live in a different universe from you. We can read the stories, which appear frequently in the online, English language, Israeli press and Israel-focused organizations’ webpages, like the story below: Lilia Itzkovich, a volunteer with NIF grantee Association for the Protection of Mixed Family Rights, was born to a Jewish father and Russian mother. "I am typical of hundreds of thousands who are not halachically Jewish but came to Israel because we feel part of the Jewish people. In Russia I felt like a Jew, a foreigner," she recalls. "At school they told me ‘Lilia you are a good girl, it’s just a shame that you are a Jew.’ For Russian anti-Semites it made no difference if you were a Jew halachically. So we came to Israel and here I am told ‘Lilia you are a good woman, it’s a shame that you are a goy."
We need you to understand that the Birthright model of Jewish identity — carting us to Israel on "rah-rah" trips — may not work for all of us, and other types of trips may have to be designed for us — ones in which we meet with our Israeli Jewish peers, like Lilia, and the Israeli Jewish organizations fighting for our rights. And please, for the love of G-d, please stop advertising Israel trips as a way to prevent intermarriages by half-Jewish people, as a Birthright report did several weeks ago. The statistics for children of intermarriage in the report were so tiny as to be statistically very questionable — apparently very few of us ever went on Birthright trips between 2001 and 2004. So claims that such trips discourage us from intermarrying are still unproven. And what’s the takeaway message here? Go on these trips, and it will prevent more people like you from being born?
We also need you to help us oppose Israeli initiatives that actively harm us, such as the 2007 attempt to create a written Israeli constitution — Israel currently doesn’t have one — in which one of the primary goals was removal of patrilineal children and grandchildren of intermarriage from the Law of Return. Israel desperately needs a written constitution, but not at our expense. A Final Request I have a personal request. One adult child of intermarriage recently asked me what topics did the Jewish outreach listservs and message boards I’ve participated in discuss. I told her, "Mostly, they discuss whether we’re going to give interfaith couples Purim baskets next year." One of my more modest goals for outreach to half-Jewish people is to get a Jewish outreach listserv or message board to discuss giving adult children and grandchildren of intermarriage Purim baskets. In fact, I’d like a Purim basket with chocolate and pears inside, if anyone is listening. Second thoughts — rather than sending me a Purim basket, if you know an adult child or grandchild of intermarriage — whether she or he was "raised Jewish," Christian, Muslim, "both," "nothing," "uncertain," or some other affiliation — consider giving them a Purim gift basket next year. That’s a good way to reach out. Show them some Jewish heart. Do the Jewish thing — give them something to nosh on!
POST A COMMENT
I hate all of you people. You are mean and terrible people. I hate you. Black people are occasionally mean to half-blacks, but they acknowledge their blackness. If someone is half-latino, they’re half-latino. Why can’t you be half Jewish? Because it’s a sin? You think I’m white enough to be considered white is that it? Well I’m not, I look like a Jew. I’m going to keep on being myself whether you horrible religious people like it or not. I have more culture than you, I’m more than you, and you can all suck it. I’ll be forever loving jah.
Dear ZBird:
Jewish outreach workers use "confused" as a code word for children of intermarriage who genuinely believe in, or practice, elements of both parental faiths simultaneously.
This led Reform to ban children being raised as "both" from Reform Sunday schools for a while — don’t know if this is still true — because they would interrupt class discussions on, say, why Jews don’t believe in Jesus, with a comment like, "Well, I was in church last week, and our minister says that Jesus was a Jew and he is our saviour."
But you are correct that having two Jewish parents does not prevent many modern Jews from struggling with spiritual and ethnic identity quests. There are no easy answers. But it has never been easy to be a Jew :)
Many blessings on your quest,
Robin Margolis
http://www.half-jewish.net
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
more drama?
I’m wondering if anyone cares to comment on Jacqueline’s comments that
children of intermarriage grow up "confused". I’ve heard this
all the time from people opposing intermarriage and never really understood the
meaning.
Personally, I grew up with two Jewish parents, who even spent thousand of
bucks on hebrew school, but I still consider myself confused. I don’t
know where I came from, where I’m going after I die (if anywhere), what my
purpose in life is, or how I’m supposed to accomplish that purpose. These
questions have both haunted and motivated me for most of my adult life, and I
don’t see them being answered anytime soon.
But I’m not bringing this up to elicit sympathy for my existential
angst. My point is to illustrate that "confusion" about our
place in the universe is a natural part of growing up in the modern
world. Maybe in the Middle Ages you could listen to a priest or rabbi and
get all the answers you need, but if you are educated in the 21st
century, you know there is more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in any
one theology. And I don’t see how having
two Jewish parents lessens the confusion one bit. Frankly, I’ve never seen ethnic pride or religious
dogma answer any of life’s confusion in a genuine way – both seem to be distractions
at best. At worst the dogma and ethnic
pride turn people into religious zealots who try to hide their inner doubt by
expressing a false certainty to the whole world.
So whether or not my kids are Jewish, I sure as hell hope they’re confused. Otherwise they’d be kidding themselves.
Am I missing something? Is there a
normal 21st century existential confusion, and also a “bad”
confusion that only rears its nasty head when a Jewish sperm fertilizes a
shiksha egg (or vice versa)? Or is a
child’s “confusion” just a code word for growing up less Jewish than Mom and Dad?
DC Shepherd,
From what I understand from your earlier posts is that you were raised Christian but have a Jewish father. So how exactly did your father bring a Jew into this world if you were raised as a Christian? It is only now that you are exploring Judiasm on your own but yet have no desire to convert. This proves my point because it shows that children who are raised with two religions oftentimes end up confused at their identity.
Because you were raised as a Christian it comes as no suprise that we differ in beliefs. You ask what the Jewish establishment needs of you? With all due respect, the Jewish establishment would like you to probably formally convert before you begin claiming to others that you are Jewish when you are not.
My comment at harboring anger towards your parents referred once again to those parents that are raising their children with two different religions. Someone who is raised as both ends up confused and in many cases takes out this anger on the Jewish outreach professionals. In the case with children of patrilineal descent it becomes very complicated. How can Jewish proffesionals do outreach to someone who is not Jewish? The Jewish establishment is not responsible for your parents actions. You said yourself that your parents raised you as Christian and you have no interest in formally converting so tell me why should the Jewish establishment be blamed for not doing outreach to you?
You state that you are connected to Judaism via culture, but what type of Jewish culture are you connected to? Are you connected to Sephardic Jewish culture, Ethiopian Jewish culture, Israeli Jewish culture or American Jewish culture?? Enjoying bagels and lox, Woody Allen movies, etc does not make you Jewish. Culture is not religion. That is why despite the fact that there are millions of different Jews in the world we are connected by a more binding thread then culture which is our faith.
All I’ve been trying to state is is that interfaith marriages are against Jewish law. I’ve noticed that people on this blog seem to be making this about culture when it is not. Culture, race and religion are all intertwined in Judaism so its hard to make a case for this. But if you look closely to what I have written you will find that I’m just stating facts based in halakic law. Jewish law does not accept patrilineal descent or those who were raised as christians without a formal conversion process. I’m sorry if the truth hurts.
And I am not speaking on behalf of any particular movement. I am not a rabbi by any means and am just trying to state facts about Jewish law.
I just received a message from Jacqueline telling me that she is "not Orthodox at all", in case anyone was curious.
And further to your message, no one, including myself, is attacking you for expressing your opinion. It is the way in which you express your opinion i.e. using comparisons to neo-Nazis and the KKK which are cause for concern. I take issue with how you diminish the importance of such hate groups by telling others they would fit in with them for expressing opions that disagree with yours.
You seriously think every word of the bible is G-d’s literal truth? Every word? Have you read the thing cover to cover? It’s absolutely loaded with material that would make Attila the Hun flinch. (check out 1 Samuel 18: 24-28, for example).
And you’re not a racist, but you believe that Jews (and only Jews) are G-d’s "special people"?
–Z
Robin,
I waited until after shabbat to post this but see you didn’t bother to do the same. So tell me as a rabbinical student what do you believe in? Obviously not shabbat since I’m sure the laws of the sabbath are too "fundamentalist" or "draconian" for you to follow. And clearly not the torah, but I’ll get back to that in a second.
So there seems to be a lot of confusion amongst your readers as to what Judiasm is. Let me clarify myself, Judiasm is a RELIGION. Yes it is also considered by many to be a race, a people, a culture, etc. But above all else we are a religion. Now that we have that established that I can point out that in Judaism you can not be "half Jewish" in the sense that you still follow other religions and beliefs.
Most of the Jews in America grow up very assimilated and comfortable in secular society. They forget how special it is to be a Jew. As a Jew we were born to be different from the masses, a people chosen by g-d himself to be the light upon nations. The torah states that just before g–d gave the Ten Commandments he spoke to Moses and said, (Exodus 19:5,6) “If you obey Me and keep My covenant, you shall be my special treasure among the nations, even though all the world is Mine. You will be a holy nation to Me.”
However, since you think reading the torah seems to be too "fundamentalist" then maybe I can work with something simpler for you to understand. The ten commandments clearly state "You will have no other g-d before me". Meaning either you believe in Judaism and accept our g-d and torah or you do not.
It seems that you do not have too much respect for the torah, even though your bookshelves apparently groan under the weight of all your holy books. You rarely mention torah but when you do, you talk about it as if it was a story or "narrative" that was written solely by man (with a smidgen of g-dliness to it). Clearly I must be mistaken here but last time I checked the torah is the word of g-d. You say that the traditional reading of the torah is fundamentalist and doesn’t apply to you. If you believe this then why follow a religion that you think is based on stories, slavery, and fundamentalism??
Although you describe your readings of the torah as more "modern", anyone can understand that the torah clearly states that intermarraige is wrong and a sin. How is this phrase ambiguous to you?
"You shall not intermarry with them; you shall not give your daughter to his son, and you shall not take his daughter for your son, for he will cause your child to turn away from Me and they will worship the gods of others then the L–rd’s wrath will burn against you, and He will destroy you quickly.Deuteronomy 7:3-4
Nowadays its not very PC to tell people they can’t marry whoever they want. So its easy for people like you to explain that what g-d really meant only applied to ancient times. Even though the torah does not state anything along the lines of it only applying to ancient tribes. By saying otherwise you are implying to people that intermarraige is acceptable when it is not.
The truth of the matter is that there are a lot of mysteries in the torah. Why aren’t we allowed to eat pork or shellfish, mix meat and milk or wear a mixture of linen/wool? G-ds reasons are for these laws are a mystery, but primarily most Rabbis believe they serve as a tool to prevent us from assimilating and keep us a distinct and seperate religion among the masses.
As far as intermarriage goes in the torah you are correct that many intermarriages did take place, however most of them that were successful involved conversion. The story of Ruth is an example of intermarriage. Ruth was not Jewish but converted to Judaism upon her marriage to a Jew. This story illustrates that some gentiles do have a Jewish soul, a neshamah. However, most gentiles do not have a Jewish soul. That does not mean that they are bad people, it just means that they are not Jewish. And thus the prohibition against intermarriage that is clearly spelled out in the torah still holds true.
You state that " it’s not morally acceptable to tell people that they can’t marry someone they are in love with because that person comes from another culture". The torah says nothing about it being morally unacceptable to tell people who to marry. In fact going back again to the ten commandments, they specifically say "honor thy father and mother", meaning that your loyalty is to them and your people above all else.
Also you say that Judaism has followed two models; inclusivist and seperatist. The inclusivist movement in Judiasm has been very successful, so succesful in fact that it has even resulted in a new religion entirely called Christianity. Christianity began as a form of messianic Judaism. It wasn’t until several hundred years after the death of Jesus Christ that a distinct religion emerged. The early Christians kept many of the Jewish values, beliefs, holy texts but as they looked for converts they realized they would need to be more inclusive in order to get more people into the fledgling movement.To make things easier for new converts many of the harsher or more difficult laws of Judaism were forgotten or ignored (ex. laws of kashrut). An excellent source on the lives of the early Christians I highly recommend reading the book "Cows, Pigs, Wars and Witches; The riddles of culture."
Finally I would like to say that Inclusivist Judiasm is harmful because it will result in assimilation and the dilution of the Jewish religion. By allowing a looser and more liberal interpretation of Judaism you are making it into something it is not. Judaism was not meant to be inclusive. There are many laws and rules to follow and a lot of it is very hard to justify or understand. It takes many years of studying to even begin to crack the surface of our religion. It seems to me that you are trying to bring interfaith families into the cultural aspect of Judaism and not the religion.
Judaism is not merely a culture. After all I am Jewish but since my family is Sephardic and from South America I was never exposed to what most people think of as traditional Jewish culture growing up. Yet despite the lack of bagels or yiddish sayings I have always considered myself to be Jewish above all else. This is because despite our various origins as Jews we all share the same faith. This faith has been a beacon of light for millions of people across the world. It is a faith to be proud of and to continue until the moshiach comes b’h.
It seems that many of the people commenting here about being half-Jewish are confused and angry at the Jewish establishment. But instead of being angry at the Jewish world they should be angry with their parents. Their parents were the ones who decided to raise their children as two religions and then expected us to welcome them with open arms. In the case of children of patrilineal descent it becomes very complicated. Simply put, these children are not Jewish. One commenter even asked me to explain scientifically why this was the case. I don’t have a scientific answer for him and I doubt anyone does although I do recommend speaking to a rabbi about it.
I feel sympathy towards all the children who have been lost to intermarriage. Children need to be raised with a firm and confident belief in their religious identity (Note that I said religious identity, not cultural identity meaning that if you’re half Jewish and half Jamaican you can grow dreads and like Raggae music but religiously you must follow Jewish beliefs to be considered Jewish.) How are the children of these interfaith couples supposed to pick a religion? Without a Jewish education or upbringing it is almost impossible for a child to make a rational decision as to what religion they would like to follow. Instead what emerges are children who are confused at their identity. These children find it hard to fit in the Jewish world because they have been raised with different values and beliefs. They take out their rage on the Jewish world for shutting them out, when in reality it was their parents who cut them off of their birthright.
In closing I would like to remind everyone that unlike Robin I am not a rabbinical student. I’m just an ordinary Jew who is tired of people making excuses for intermarriage and allowing it to occur. I’m not an expert on Judaism and neither is Robin. Therefore I would definitly recommend consulting a rabbi from the conservative or orthodox movement in order to understand the concept of intermarriage from the Jewish viewpoint.
Avoid_Extremes–thanks for your honesty and thoughtful analysis.
But as thoughtful as your criticism of organized religion may be, it seems there was a lot more going on in your family than mere religious difference. Frankly, your father was a piece of work, and was emotionally abusive to your mother. The way you describe him "putting his foot down" is not how a husband treats his wife in a healthy marriage. It also seems your mother must also have her issues if she put up with that kind of abuse.
It’s to your credit that you’re able to share your experience online, even if you (understandably) choose to keep your name hidden. It shows you’ve managed to some extent to grow beyond your dysfunctional upbringing. That being said, I hope you realize that, although organized religion can be abusive and insane, sometimes religion is just a forum where crazy abusive people act out their neuroses.
–Z
Dear Avoid_Extremes:
I have continued to follow the interesting comments on this thread, and read yours with great attention. I was sorry to hear that you got one of the early "raising Jewish children" of intermarriage upbringings, in which the non-Jewish parent’s identity was virtually expelled from the house.
Many half-Jewish people report bewilderment when their intermarried Jewish parent urges them not to intermarry, as in "are you serious?"
If you are interested in a non-coercive model of Judaism in which there would be plenty of room for your New Age beliefs, you may wish to visit a group I have started with some other Jews, the Inclusivist Judaism Coalition, at:
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
Your dual heritages would be treated with courtesy and respect by us.
Cordially,
Robin
http://www.half-jewish.net
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
Dear Susan and DCshepherd:
I am very pleased to see how many other adult children of intermarriage are posting on this thread! It is important that many of our voices be heard.
For many years, my postings in various forums were often the only voice advocating for the opinions of half-Jewish people. I hope both of you, and the other adult children of intermarriage on this thread, will continue to post both on Jewcy and in other forums where questions about half-Jewish people are discussed.
Cordially,
Robin Margolis
http://www.half-jewish.net
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
Dear Jacqueline:
I have read your replies with interest, but I think you have confused me with Susan Katz-Miller, a patrilineal Jew, raised Reform, who does advocate raising children in both faiths, and belongs to an interfaith community of similiarly-minded people.
If you re-read my article and comments more closely, you will see that I do not advocate that. It is a position advocated in her post.
What I advocate — when asked — is that children of intermarriage be raised in one faith, but be given sufficient information about the other parent’s culture, in a respectful manner, so that they do not grow up ashamed of their "other" half.
I am respectfully opposed to what I consider two polar opposite views on raising children of intermarriage — the draconian "raising Jewish children" policies, which, until recently, sought complete removal of the non-Jewish parent’s heritage from the home — which leaves many adult children of intermarriage identified as Jews, but ashamed of, or concealing, their other parent and heritage — a very psychologically unhealthy situation —
and I am also not in favor of the "raise in both" represented by the interfaith communities that Susan Katz-Miller works with. As she and I have repeatedly discussed, I deal with too many adult children of intermarriage who are "raised both" in some way, and they are often struggle for years to establish an identity.
However, I try to work with each interfaith couple and adult child of intermarriage "where they are" — and if they prefer the "raising Jewish children" model or the "raise in both," model, that is their personal choice. I can only advise them on the pros and cons, as I see them, and await their personal decisions. There must be respect for peoples’ personal decisionmaking.
I have referred many interfaith couples and descendants of intermarriage to Jewish outreach websites and interfaith family communities that I don’t personally always agree with, including Susan Katz-Miller’s website. One size simply doesn’t fit all, to borrow a metaphor from sock sales!
Jacqueline, you seem to be really angry with people like myself. I must point out that we didn’t choose to be born, and it’s very unhelpful to get input such as "that the only conversion recognized is an Orthodox one."
Orthodox conversions used to be the gold standard, but they are now being cancelled and challenged throughout the Jewish world, thanks to Israel’s Haredi-dominated rabbinic courts repeatedly challenging and overturning other Orthodox rabbis’ conversions, an attitude that has unfortunately spread to Orthodox groups throughout the world.
Also Orthodox conversions are really only useful for adult children and other descendants of intermarriage who want to live as Orthodox Jews. The majority of them who are Jewish-identified usually want to join the non-Orthodox denominations.
I would disagree that "intermarriage is destroying the Jewish people" and those of us, like myself and Rabbi Meija, who are doing interfaith family outreach to descendants of intermarriage are "culpable." I believe that reaching out to Jews and potential Jews is not a criminal activity, but a sacred one, intended to preserve the Jewish people.
When I have interviewed interfaith couples who opted to leave Judaism on why they did so, they had plenty to say about their poor treatment and bad experiences with hostile shuls, contemptuous rabbis, boring services, skyrocketing shul dues, and insular, ethnocentric attitudes among other Jews. They found Christianity (or Islam or Hinduism, etc.) warm, welcoming and universalist.
That is why I have started Inclusivist Judaism, because there is a historical tradition of warmth and welcome within Judaism itself that needs to be further publicized and developed.
Finally, you apparently think that children of intermarriage with Jewish mothers are treated as Jews by Jews with two Jewish parents. Unfortunately, that is often not true, as I can attest from personal experience. I have a Jewish Orthodox mother — who fled her dysfunctional Orthodox family to marry my Episcopalian father — but I was driven to this activism by many other Jews’ blatant disrespect for me, which they openly stated was due to me having a Christian father. I soon learned that thousands of other children of intermarriage were in the same boat.
It is time for a dramatic change in how the Jewish community treats adult children and other descendants of intermarriage. We should be welcomed and embraced, and assisted in learning about Judaism if we wish to identify as Jews. Outreach efforts comparable to those set up for interfaith couples and Jews by Choice (converts) need to be created.
Sincerely,
Robin Margolis
http://www.half-jewish.net
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
Dear Ms. JN,
We who were born to interfaith parents did not give birth to ourselves. When intermarriage is labeled as a travesty, what does that make us? Bastards? Garbage? Throwaways? Think about it.
I am not lost, nor a lost cause. As an adult who wants to live Jewishly, I find it is difficult to do so because I am judged for who my parents were. It is not the Christian community rejecting me or challenging my involvement – it is the Jewish community that questions whether I or people like me are
A) "real" Jews;
B) a worthy outreach demographic;
C) valuable potential members of any given community.
We’re here. We were born. What now? Are children of intermarriage just supposed to crawl into a hole and die? Am I destroying Judaism simply because I exist?
As Rabbi Hillel said, what is hateful to you, do not do to others. That is the whole of Torah, the rest is commentary.
A half-Jewish identity is not a Jewish/Non-Jewish binary but rather a Both/And unity. It is not necessarily a symptom of confusion or inner conflict, but may simply be the recognition of a complex set of circumstances. Of course it is possible to be both religiously Jewish and ethnically mixed. This is how I think of myself.
The problem for many Halfies is not how we think of ourselves, but how others react to and/or define us according to our ancestry – as Too Jewish among non-Jews, and Not Jewish Enough among Jews. That is not a choice made by me, but by others. If I say I am Jewish, and someone else says, "No, you’re not," that is not a claim I have made, but a claim someone else has made for their own reasons. If I say I am Jewish, and someone else says, "Death to the kikes," that is not an attitude I have promoted, but one which comes from outside. These reactions are beyond our immediate control. They may be disregarded, but sometimes it is appropriate to try to counter them. The issue, for me at least, is not one of personal integrity or clarity, but of acceptance and welcome in the broader community.
As Rabbi Hillel said, what is hateful to you, do not do to others. That is the whole of Torah, the rest is commentary.
Dear Lev-Yourself:
I chose the GLBTcomparison, because I always try to talk with people from where they currently stand in their current lives — their "makom" or place, if you will.
I won’t reply at great length, because I’ve already done so once before, so I’ll keep this brief.
I would guess that the core of your argument would be the following statement:
"I also don’t think there’s anything weird or wrong with Jews who don’t
acknowledge patrilineal descent or condemn homosexuality – they are
following their traditions, and while I wouldn’t choose those beliefs,
I honor their right to have them."
I think that is the dividing line.
I don’t "honor" the rights of other people to oppress me and the other adult children of intermarriage, just as I don’t "honor" the rights of other people to oppress GLBT people.
Lev-Yourself, consider that if the GLBT movement had followed that line of thinking, they’d still be a criminalized minority hiding under pseudonyms in dank, Mafia-owned bars, like in the 1950s. They don’t "honor" Jewish and Christian religious traditions that have marginalized and oppressed them, and they vigorously oppose Jewish groups and people who try to publicly enforce those traditions.
And the GLBT Jewish movement has been very successful in curtailing the mistreatment of GLBT people with Judaism. I hope to emulate that success with the adult children and other descendants of intermarriage.
I and the other members of the Half-Jewish Network don’t "honor" Jewish traditions that have marginalized and harmed matrilineal or patrilineal children of intermarriage while claiming G-d or the Torah or Judaism or Jewish continuity or morality — or the excuse du jour — there’s always some excuse – is on their side. And I will continue to fight back and organize other children of intermarriage to do likewise.
I have a number of GLBT half-Jewish folks in the Half-Jewish Network. They’ve been warmly welcomed. And they don’t feel any obligation to "honor" Jewish traditions which are harmful to us. They are extremely vocal on that point.
They — and the straight members of my group — would be totally surprised to hear you make a distinction between the patrilineals’ struggles over conversion and the hypocritical lip service Jewish groups pay to accepting matrilineals — which is rarely more than lip service. To them it is one basic issue: none of us are really acceptable to Judaism because we have one non-Jewish parent or grandparent.
Now, you may not think that I represent you, when I am out speaking and writing. But if, as you stated previously, you "wouldn’t want to go head to head with the Jewish establishment," then I guess I’m elected. Someone has to do it. In my experience, oppression must be fought. It doesn’t go away on its own.
Sincerely,
Robin
http://www.half-jewish.net
http://www.inclusivistjudaism.wordpress.com
Dear veganesther:
I totally understand your concerns about your future grandchildren.
But a grandparent can have immense influence, more than any other relative.
Many adult children of intermarriage have told me that they are Jewish because one of their Jewish grandparents took an interest in them, bought them Jewish presents, such as Star of David jewelry and books, took them to shul, etc.
Often their intermarried parents raised them in another faith, or as "nothing," but the Jewish grandparent’s influence won out.
Other children of intermarriage reported being snubbed by their Jewish grandparents in favor of wholly Jewish cousins, cut out of their will, not given Israel trips when their cousins were, etc., which sometimes influenced them against Judaism.
I remained Jewish partly because at very dark moments, my deceased Jewish grandmother, zichrona liveracha, (may her memory be for blessing), actively supported me in my decision to leave Christianity and live as a Jew.
For advice that is grandparent-specific — I’m more knowledgeable about adult children of intermarriage — I would suggest contacting:
http://www.interfaithfamily.com
and
http://www.joi.org
Both of these groups are Jewish outreach groups with resources for Jewish grandparents (or potential grandparents) of baby partial-Jews. They would have books you could read and other Jewish grandparents or potential grandparents that you could email and talk with.
Regarding your situation, it sounds to me like your son-in-law is Jewish-identified. Many intermarried families do celebrate Christmas and Easter to keep the Christian spouse (in his case, his father) happy. It won’t necessarily influence your grandchildren to become Christians.
If you show your future grandchildren a lot of love, and a strong Jewish example, that can have a powerful weight. I’m betting on you!
Many blessings for happy grandchildren,
Robin
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