Religion & Beliefs
Rabbis, Heal Thyselves
By Philip Smith / September 9, 2008
I needed to say Kaddish. My father was dead.
I wanted to honor him with prayers for his soul, with prayers to God, with prayers to fill my empty heart.
This was my time as a Jew to become a man, an adult. It is this moment that is truly the bar mitzvah of one’s soul. I anticipated stepping into these shoes as everyone before me had done.
The first synagogue told me: No ticket. No prayer.
And again, at the next: No ticket, no prayer.
Finally the third told me: No ticket no prayer.
Three synagogues had turned me away because I was not a member and did not have a ticket to pray.
I understand needing a ticket to see a movie, a rodeo, a boxing match, or a play, but not needing a ticket to talk to God, to beg God to lift my heart. I don’t mind praying whenever, wherever. I don’t need four walls to do so. But that day I needed the ancient ritual to guide me through my grief. I needed the community of others who had lost their world and cried with remembrance.
I was not a happy Jew.
A friend said, "Try the gay synagogue in the Village." Gay synagogue? There’s such a thing?
On Bethune Street, I walked right in. No one asked me for a ticket. No one turned me away. Instead I was handed a prayer book and a yarmulke. I said kaddish for the first time in my life. One does not forget such moments, just as one does not forget the fabled and by now banal question, "where were you when JFK was assassinated?"
Next, the Rabbi asked, "who would like to stand and say kaddish for those who have died from AIDS and have no one to say kaddish for them?
Silently and immediately, the entire congregation stood. I was honored to be amongst such people who would remember and pray for those that could easily be forgotten.
So, here was a group of people that were praying without tickets AND saying kaddish for total strangers. While I am not a Talmudic scholar, this looked to me like God’s work in action. What I was witnessing was Jewish nobility, the majesty of our religion to care for others, to be compassionate, to repair the world. All without tickets.
Were the synagogues that turned me away also praying for those who had suffered, who had died alone and were forgotten? Or are people with tickets absolved of that responsibility?
This is just my opinion, but I gather that God’s a pretty busy chief exec. There’s a lot going on that requires his or her full attention–the sun needs to be lifted up and put in the sky every morning for every single person, bug, and bird on the planet, stars need to twinkle, babies need to be born and corn has to grow. So given this kind of schedule, when does God have time to worry about tickets?
Given what I saw that night I said my first kaddish, I would like to assume that God was pleased. So, if you don’t mind, I am going to just take a wild guess here and posit that God might not care that you turn on a switch on the Sabbath or whether you love men or women, as long as you love. Instead, on the off-chance that God has a second to spare, I would assume that God would be more concerned with how you move through the world, how you express love, and how you contribute to others.
It is sad that there is the necessity for a place where Jews can worship because they are not welcomed amongst other Jews and yet they themselves welcome all Jews without questions and without tickets.
If for one moment, I would ever dare to think like God, he or she might say, "Rabbis, heal thyselves."
Philip Smith, author of Walking Through Walls, is guest blogging for Jewcy, and he’ll be here all week. Stay tuned.
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to Yiskor, the shul is not to turn away anyone wish in for the purpose.I am not sure who those turning you away were, but they should rethink things.
FREE services for the holidays:
http://www.kolhaneshamahnyc.org/index.html
Sounds OK. I don’t know this organization at all. Seems worth a look, if you are unaffiliated. Sounds traditional enough, but a little bit frisky and moderne.
I wonder what they do with naive couples looking for a wedding. "Marry us, OK? We’re of you. We figure you know how to do this. It’s your job, no? "
There are people who have started looking into Judaism at Barnes and Noble. Really.They have a Judaica Section, and you just read and read. No membership. No purchase, even, until you want to make one. No audience looking at you. Borders has a Judaica Section, too. These are places where you can dip one tiny toe in, at your own pace.
OK, any kind of Jewish wedding.
>>Then
I called Chabad. The rabbi was teaching day school kids right now,
>>could I come back in a couple hours? He answered my questions and
made >>sure I understood the answers.
>Do you think Chabad runs for free? Someone else paid for your time
with
>thatrabbi.
I donated two working days to fixing up the school – light carpentry, repairs, that sort of thing – and hauled a few
loads of trash to the dump in my pickup. Someone helps you, you help him. That’s how it works.
>Maybe if the USCJ or URJ had star-studded telethons
to raise money
>for them, you wouldn’t have that problem. Where I live
there’s only one
>temple with 100 miles that has a rabbi. Should I just
be allowed to show up one
>day and take an hour of his time to freeload?
I can make an appointment to see the priest without being one of his parishioners or even a Catholic. It might take a while, but if the request is honest he’ll pencil in a few minutes when it’s convenient. I can go to a professor during office hours. If she isn’t swamped with other students she will usually have a little time. The idea that you need to pay hundreds of dollars in advance before you can apply to make an appointment with any rabbi at all is ludicrous.Somewhere in the dim past I recall hearing that it’s forbidden to charge Jews to answer a question about Torah.
>Well, maybe he can find it in the
>goodness of his heart to do that,
but don’t expect his congregation to pay you
>to do it.
Ah yes, "the goodness of his heart". That’s the point of this isn’t it? That’s what we’re trying to encourage with all the praying and rituals. Chabad seems to have the crazy notion that goodness of the heart is an important thing. It leads to Jews becoming better Jews. If you insist on making Judaism and Torah a purely business proposition I’ll put it in low, financial. A small, one-time investment in kindness can pay enormous returns. Spend half an hour, get sixteen hours.
>Anyway, this is FUD. If you don’t want to join, don’t join.
Are you calling the original poster a liar? Are you calling me a liar?
This isn’t FUD, it’s how the world works. And it’s one of the reasons the synagogues are empty most of the year. "Pay or get out", "freeloader", "If you don’t want to join, don’t join", "start-studded telethons to raise money", "someone else paid". You sound like an Aryan Nations parody of the dirty Shylock Jew. Is that really all that Torah and the health of Judaism mean to you?
>Oddly enough, it is the Orthodox who are the most liberal at certain >moments, such as moments like this, and others too. Go figure.
I’m pretty sure that a mormon missionary or quite a few catholic churches would let you just walk in and pray too, but that doesn’t make them liberal.
As for asking for a "kosher" wedding at a Reform synagogue, why don’t you ask for a christian one, too? All of these posts are completely bought and paid for by the idea that Reform is the Diet Coke of Judaism. Sorry folks—Reform is its own valid system and version of Judaism. Just because Reform won’t pretend to be Orthodox for YOUR wedding says more about you than it does about them.
Anyway, let’s go ahead. Let’s use Chabad because they’ll talk to you for free and let the other denominations atrophy, then when you—because it’s all about you—don’t like something Chabad says—and chances are they will, just like the chances are one of the other groups will—then you’ll leave or not give them money and kvetch about them, wondering where all of the more liberal synagogues have gone.
>Then I called Chabad. The rabbi was teaching day school kids right now, >could I come back in a couple hours? He answered my questions and made >sure I understood the answers.
Do you think Chabad runs for free? Someone else paid for your time with that rabbi. Maybe if the USCJ or URJ had star-studded telethons to raise money for them, you wouldn’t have that problem. Where I live there’s only one temple with 100 miles that has a rabbi. Should I just be allowed to show up one day and take an hour of his time to freeload? Well, maybe he can find it in the goodness of his heart to do that, but don’t expect his congregation to pay you to do it.
Anyway, this is FUD. If you don’t want to join, don’t join.
There just ARE expenses to maintaining ANYTHING. The holidays are coming, and this is when synagogues get the money to run the whole rest of the year. Let’s not resent it.
But if a wounded Jew stumbles in with a need, nobody should put pre-conditions on him or her. Never.
Oddly enough, it is the Orthodox who are the most liberal at certain moments, such as moments like this, and others too. Go figure.
For instance, somebody could try asking for a kosher Jewish wedding, at a synagogue. Just walk into various synagogues, and ASK for it, as a service they should provide. Report back on the reactions. Then do it. Let us know how it went, and what you learned. You might be surprised.
You don’t say, but I’ve never heard of a ticket required for any other time of year.
It pretty much stinks, but, unfortunately, many synagogues have no space on those days. Most synagogue facilities are not equipped to house their entire membership for a service, since most people don’t come every week. Plus the High Holidays tend to be the time when a shul raises the money to keep the lights on for the entire year. This is less true for smaller congregations, and for more observant communities whenre everyone attends shul every week.
Our synagogue (Conservative; around 170 families) does require tickets for RH and YK, but we spend about $10K to rent a bigger space, provide lunch after services on RH, rent chairs, provide security, etc. We ask people who are not members to buy tickets to defray some of the extraordinary costs of those days, but if you tell us you can’t afford it, we’ll give you a ticket (or take a smaller donation).
No one would ever be turned away from a regular Shabbat service, or a daily minyan, or another holiday service, because they were not members. Period. And, if you have a yahrzeit when you come to our shul, let someone know, and we’ll more than likely give you an aliyah to the Torah.
Don’t judge a religion (or a denomination) by the biggest, most bureaucratic, institutions within it.
Rick
is the very small, utterly old-fashioned Milinery Center Synagogue in mid-town Manhattan. on Sixth Avenue and about 40-something street, on the West side of Sixth. They may try to sell you sheets and towels, but you don’t need to do anything, give anything, or be anything, except a Jew who needs a shul. You can be a woman, no problem. The rabbi is the real deal. Yes, it’s ortho. Funk-city Ortho, but serviceable, and open to anybody, any time.
For total openness, you will never beat Chabad. There’s one on Fifth Avenue and 43rd or 44th street, up one flight, on the East side of Fifth. There’s one on lower Fifth, between 23rd and 22nd streets, across from the Flatiron building. Chabads are all over the place.
Sorry for your loss.
A few years ago I needed answers to some questions about Jewish Law as it applied to something I was doing. I went to the big Reform Temple. Two layers of flunkies said it was impossible. To talk to a rabbi required a fully paid-up membership before one could apply for an appointment.
The Conservative Synagogue was pretty much the same story. No money, no rabbi unless you’re a member of the Press, sir? Depressed and suppressing serious rage, but no I’m not a reporter.
Then I called Chabad. The rabbi was teaching day school kids right now, could I come back in a couple hours? He answered my questions and made sure I understood the answers.
Who do you think were the better Jews? Who was doing G-d’s work?
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