Religion & Beliefs
Quandaries of a New Jew, or How I Got My Shiksa Flair
By Ashley Tedesco / February 2, 2009
My life has never fit ‘inside the box.’ One-word answers have almost never sufficed for any aspect thereof. So it’s no surprise that my religious beliefs don’t lend themselves to a succinct definition. My religious affiliation can perhaps best be summed up by a remark uttered to me at the last Shabbat dinner I attended: "Tedesco? Where did you get a name like that?"
If you ask me my religion, I’ll say, "Jewish." Any further questions require a miniature version of my life story. So here it goes.
I’m Italian. My whole family is Roman Catholic. My mother, however, living up to her reputation as the black sheep in the family, decided to convert to Judaism and had a Conservative conversion. And then she had me.
As a single mother, she knew there would be plenty of obstacles ahead. She didn’t want religion to be one of them. So, knowing our entire extended family (and we’re Italian, so of course it’s massive) was Catholic, she decided it would be best to raise me in the Church. I would have loved to be there for the conversation she had with the parish priest when she tried to enroll me in Sunday school. I was all but unaware of the fact that she was Jewish, and it took me a long time to understand why she forced me to the front of the church for communion but never followed suit. For Christmas, she decorated our home to rival the North Pole, but I never saw her light a menorah.
Once she and I began talking about Judaism, I became increasingly curious. By the tenth grade, when I started studying the history of Christianity in my AP European History class, I had sworn off Catholicism forever. Not that I’d been to church more than a half-dozen times in my life, save for weddings. That was when I transported my mother’s coffee table book The Jewish World from her office to my bedroom. I never actually read it, but I took comfort in knowing it was there.
Regardless of my perceived mini-rebellion against the Church, I was still in high school, bogged down with homework and, soon, college applications. I really didn’t have the time or motivation to begin studying anything other than what was required for the next day’s exam. I would talk now and then about converting, and the only real response I got from my mother was, "wait and see who you marry first." Of course, in her mind, I was to marry nobody but a "nice Jewish boy."
It didn’t occur to me until about December of 2007 that there was no need for me to convert-I had been born into Judaism through my mother. At the time, I was working on a term paper for my English class called "The Argument for the Shiksa: Intermarriage and Conversion in Modern Jewish America." I don’t think I can ever thank my English professor enough for giving us a completely open-ended assignment for this paper. She truly sparked my renewed interest in Judaism (and turned me on to Jewcy!). I started doing research for what was to be an eight-page paper and, fourteen months later, I haven’t stopped the research. I turned in a fifteen-page paper at the end of the term and went book shopping.
The bookshelf in my dorm room is two-deep with books on Judaism. Still, each time I sit down to read my 700-page Telushkin book, I feel guilty that I should really be doing homework, and so it goes back on the bookshelf. I recently decided, however, that the best way to cure that guilt was to make it my homework. And so I declared myself a Jewish Studies minor.
Granted, no matter how many books I read by prominent rabbis, there’s still a lot to be dumbfounded by. Luckily, I’ve had a lot of help. I started attending the occasional Shabbat service last spring; it was the first time I’d ventured into a synagogue barring the handful of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs I attended in my childhood. I began going with a wonderful friend who gave me a running commentary on what was going on and what to do each step of the way. My first Shabbat experience was at the renowned B’nai Jeshurun ("BJ," a popular Upper West Side synagogue), which definitely made me feel as though I’d made the right decision in choosing Judaism-the members of the Catholic church I once attended certainly never stood up mid-hymn and danced around the sanctuary.
Still, I stared hopelessly at the Hebrew in the Siddur, with no transliteration that I could even pretend to follow along with. So I decided to start taking Hebrew, a process that began at the Manhattan Jewish Experience in October. I enjoyed the first class, so I decided to stay for the next one, Conversations on Basic Judaism. And I liked that class so much I went back two days later for a Next Level: Judaism class. Before I knew it, I’d become a sort of regular at MJE and was comfortable enough with the rabbis to ask if they would assist me in preparing for a later-in-life bat mitzvah.
I still have a lot to learn when it comes to custom (and Hebrew, for that matter) untilI can reach a point where I can say, "I’m Jewish," without a disclaimer. (Though with a last name like Tedesco, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get away with less than "my mother converted.") After a year of library-building and a semester of classes, I’ve reached a level of comfort that allows me to go MJE services -Hebrew, mechitza, and all- without feeling completely foolish and awkward.
I’m endlessly thankful to have people around me who will help me, answer my stupid questions, and never judge me for not understanding. I’m at a weird place in the realization of my religion right now-I’m not a convert, I’m just a new Jew trying to figure out what the hell she’s doing. But as Rabbi Ezra Cohen said to us at last week’s Shabbat dinner, "this is your home." And it’s a wonderful feeling to find home after 20 years.
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"Tedesco" and its variations (e.g., "Tudesco") are very common Jewish surnames in Italy. Â The word means "German," which is why it was given to Jews. Â Any Jews who don’t know that aren’t very informed.
Thoroughly enjoyed the story! I have the "Jewish"-Italian hyphenated last name so I get a different set of questions. "You don’t look Italian?" I do remember meeting a Jewish Tedesco in college though.
The Italian Jewish Art Museum in Jerusalem had many ketubot/wedding contracts with vowel-ending names spelled out in Hebrew. Brought a tear to my eye.
My last non-sequitar, upon telling my Auntie Lena that I worked for a Jewish organization, "Do they know you’re Italian?!"
Keep the stories coming, please!
Interesting story, but sadly Ashley you are not considered Jewish by the Orthodox. Had your mother had an Orthodox conversion, there would be no question about your status. Now to Conservative Jews, however, you are considered Jewish. One lady commented that she has jumped through several hoops to convert. Imagine doing these things to find out that you aren’t considered Jewish. Just food for thought!! Ashley, I’m so happy you’ve connected to Judaism. May Hashem guide you along your spiritual journey.
There is a part in Midrash that says that all Jewish souls were at Mount Sinai at the giving of the Torah and converts to Judaism are those lost Jewish souls who have found their way back.Â
If you can unobtrusively stick a random Telushkin reference in the middle of an article, you’re well on your way. Mazel tov!
As regards your English term paper, I’m reminded of my AP World History class: as summer homework, preliminarily before the semester began, our task was to visit some place of religious worship and describe its architecture in a page or two. I visited the Touro synagogue in Newport, RI, but once I had described its architecture, I went on to comprehensively compare Judaism and Christianity as religions per se. My essay was some ten pages or so, I think. (And then recently, just for the fun of it, I wrote an approximately twenty-page essay doing the same, and another twenty-six page essay on the philosophy of non-Jews of the Medieval Provencal Rabbi Menahem haMeiri – http://michaelmakovi.blogspot.com/2009/01/shitat-hameiri-universalism-for.html)
So no matter what your upbringing had been, you couldn’t help but ultimately find your way home. Mazel tov, and hatzlacha (????? – success)!
As regards your name, with the information added by your mother (that Tedesco is Jewish), I’m reminded of Rabbi Marc D. Angel’s recent novel, "The Search Committee". To make a long story short: Mrs. Sultana Mercado, the wife of Rabbi David Mercado, explains to a yeshiva committee how she, a convert of Greek Orthodox extract, ended up with a name (viz. Sultana) common to Greek/Turkish Jews: Years ago a Greek Jewess (named Sultana) and a Greek-Orthodox man (named Michael) fall in love, but are unable to consumate their love. Both eventually marry others, but Michael, heartbroken, names his own daughter Sultana, after his lost love, the elder Sultana. Later, the younger Sultana falls in love with the elder Sultana’s grandson (Rabbi David Mercado), ultimately leading to the younger Sultana’s conversion to Judaism. At the beit din, they tell her to select a Jewish name, and she proudly declares that her own name, Sultana, is actually already a name common amongst Greek/Turkish Sefaradi Jewry, and that though it was her non-Jewish name, she will retain it as her Jewish name. The beit din acedes
By the way…
TEDESCO is emblazoned on the wall of the Great
Synagogue of Rome. The family name goes way back in history. Check it out…
Mom
For better or worse, there’s nothing like a Jewish mother.Â
Ashley
This is a very insightful article about you. I learn more about you everyday and the more I learn the more I love. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you have found a home. That you are comfortable. It is what I wanted for you…..and yes I nice Jewish boy would be nice too!! I mean really,,. you are beautiful, smart, kind, hard working…as only a Jewish/Italian mother can say!! You make everyday a better place for those who love you.
Stay happy….do what you love to do. I will always be there to support you!!
Love
Mom
 As someone who has been working on her conversion for quite a while now, it always slightly annoys me the hoops I’ve had to jump through to "become Jewish," and that I could be denied entry into the tribe.Â
But I find it very inspirational when people, despite their upbringing, choose thier own path. And I really admire your decision to take on the task of learning to become a bat mitzvah!
Also check me out on the Jew and the Carrot
Ashley-Your story is so unique yet it resonates with a feeling that many Jews feel. That no matter what they arent "Jewish enough." That seems to be a recurring theme on this site and it just goes to show that as much pride we all have in our heritage and religion we also feel such a deep seated level of shame and guilt for not being Jewish enough. Whether you are Jewish by conversion(be it you or a parent), Jewish because only one parent is Jewish or Jewish by adoption(or birth for that matter), like people there are so many different kinds of Jews, but nonetheless, we all are one. No Jew more or less than the other.
Such a well written personal story!Â
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