Religion & Beliefs
Dear Orthodox Rabbis, I Am Not Afraid of You, and I Will Beat Your Ass
By Tamar Fox / March 26, 2007
Okay, not all Orthodox rabbis, but a select and nauseating few. Know why? Because making girls cry at your Shabbat table is a lame little trick you only pull to make yourself feel powerful. Everyone can see this, and everyone can also see that you’re weak, and it would only take about thirty five seconds of level one kung fu moves to transform you into a black-hatted lump of soft moaning flesh, cowering on the floor beneath your oversized table. Watch yourself, buddy. I got a pair of steel-toed boots that are calling for blood. Allow me to explain my wrath. 
This weekend I heard yet another instance of an Orthodox rabbi inviting a college student over for a Shabbat meal, and then attacking her background, level of observancy, and life choices over the soup course, while his enormous family looked on coolly. Not surprisingly, said student burst into tears, and was, among other charming results of the meal, completely humiliated. Never mind that she’d walked more than two miles to attend services at the Orthodox synagogue this guy heads. Never mind that she keeps Shabbat and kashrut, and is very active at Hillel. Since her clavicle was visible and she hadn’t devoted her nineteenth year to a seminary she was, clearly, worthy of a stern talking-to. Everyone knows that if you just yell at someone about how the Torah has come directly from Sinai, unchanged by humans, and throw in indiscriminate criticisms of the Reform and Conservative movements, you can really change some minds. What everyone secretly wants is to be told everything they learned and studied growing up was a conspiracy of self-hating Jews trying to rob them of their rightful tradition. More kugel? Seriously, is this how you get your kicks, rabbi? Making college girls cry—is that what makes you feel like a big shot? Now, this phrase may not mean anything to you since you shun the world outside of your beis midrash, but it sure sounds to me like somebody’s overcompensating. Just a guess, though. I wish this was the first time I’d heard a story like this, but actually it’s a narrative I hear at least twice a year. I have been that embarrassed weeping girl who gets her theology crapped on during the salad course, and so have my friends, and members of my family, and a range of people I’ve met at Hillel dinners. This is the normal MO for some guys, and I can hardly blame them. Reducing your debate opponent to tears is a pretty convincing victory. There’s not really much more to say about the guys (and it’s always guys, and their wives always sit there quietly and listen, because rhetorically beating up guests is, apparently, a prize component of hachnasat orchim, welcoming guests). While their arguments are sometimes somewhat convincing, it’s hard to believe that any girl in her right mind would go back to a house where making people cry is a Shabbat tradition. What makes me really crazy about this kind of thing is that even someone who went to Jewish day school for her entire life, someone who is dedicated to Torah and Mitzvot, is liable to be put in this situation. And why? Because non-Orthodox Jewish schools don’t teach kids how to stand up for their own theological choices. The message in Conservative schools these days seems to be that you have to figure your shit out on your own, and if you want to look at the scholarship that agrees with you you’ll have to make a trip to JTS yourself, because no one is reaching out to help you. When someone comes at me with their bullcrap about how they KNOW that the Torah and Talmud came down from God on Sinai and haven’t been changed since, I should have fighting words ready. I should be able to defend my views just as strenuously as Mr. I’m-Wearing-A-Black-Hat-And-I-Have-A-Degree-From-YU-So-I-Know-What-I’m-Talking-About. But I don’t and I can’t because no one has sat me down and taught me precisely why Divine inspiration makes more sense than the straight up revelation this whackjob is bringing. I have a pretty good idea since I’m friends with half the Judaic studies department at Vandy and I’ve pursued a lot of this stuff in my own time, but that makes me an exception. If youth groups routinely have seminars on how to fend off Jews for Jesus, why didn’t USY teach me to hold my own in a theological debate? So while I’m pissed at these rabbis for being overzealous and rude in their tactics, I’m even more angry that thirteen years of full time Jewish education didn’t afford me (or any of the people who get hit with this crap) a few flip and persuasive comments of my own. Are there any Jewish educators out there? You guys need to get on this problem ASAP. Because while I advocate beating up obnoxious rabbis who make teenage girls cry, I admit it’s probably not the best solution to the problem…
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Thank you – one of my beefs about the progressive movements is that there’s still an underlying feeling that Orthodoxy is more “authentic” than any other kind of Judaism, which is not at all true. I’m hoping to be one of those Jewish educators who gives the next generation a strong vocabulary for Orthodox resistance, but it’s hard to find any precendent! Lots of schools worry about instilling Jewish identity & pride, but it’s just as important for the kids to understand that they don’t have to run off to Boro Park to be “really” Jewish, and to know how to respond if one of those awful rabbis goes after them. For goodness sakes, I’m 30 and still would have trouble responding intelligently if I was subjected to such an unexpected attack!
The vast majority of orthodox rabbis and baaleh' batim that I know (esp. modern orthodox) would NEVER pull that sort of shit, Tamar, and I apologize on behalf of all orthodoxy (not that I or anyone else is empowered to speak for such a heterogenous grouping).Â
But that nauseating little minority IS a major problem in the Jewish world, on that I agree. One haredi rabbi, who up until then I had highly respected, pulled that sort of attack on a birthright trip that my brother led. He actually was very respectful and nice to them initially, but then when it went to question-and-answer, he said some pretty harsh shit that made the girls cry. When asked why haredim don't serve in the army, he said that it's a place where there's lots of sex and the army pays for abortions (true, for good or bad) and that women in the army are often known as 'mattresses' (also true, but it made the two israeli women security guards cry). Then when asked why haredim wear the black-hat outfit, he said it's like bug repellent– and 'you're [pointing at the immodestly dressed women] the bug!'
In an odd way they appreciated that he was being honest. Such views ARE held by many in the (esp. ultra-) orthodox world. Hopefully discussions like this can bring to light this pagam in the jewish world, and bring it to an end.
Jessica, I hear what you're saying, but I take issue with your assumption that every rabbi commands more respect than I was giving here. I certainly don't think the rabbi in questions deserves anything less than a major rhetorical beatdown and several lessons in derech eretz and biblical archeology. As for other rabbis, I am a big fan of any number of YU and otherwise Orthodox rabbis. But there are plenty with whom I have major problems. That they spent several years learning lots of halacha is not impressive to me, and doesn't make me feel obligated to give them much respect. Someone has to earn my respect, and there are many rabbis that simply haven't done that. And I did say in the very first sentence of the post "Okay, not all Orthodox rabbis, but a select and nauseating few."Â
So yes, I agree that not all Orthodox rabbis are problematic, but I was annoyed about only "a select and nauseating few."Â
I am personally not orthodox myself and I do not doubt that your friend was offended by these rude remarks but your remarks are no kinder.
There are certain phrases… including your title.. ”
Dear Orthodox Rabbis, I Am Not Afraid of You, and I Will Beat Your Ass”
and “Watch yourself, buddy. I got a pair of steel-toed boots that are calling for blood,” which caught my eye.
This is honestly disgusting. Although this Rabbi reacted inappropriately, to respond with such disrespectful language is a disgrace. A person simply should not regard a Rabbi in such a manner.
In addition, your over-generalization of Orthodox rabbis is a MAJOR mistake.
Unfortunately in society today there are radicals and for every radical there are ten more compassionate and understanding Orthodox Rabbis that HAVE graduated YU… and DO know what they are talking about that would never speak that way to a Conservative and Reform Jew.
Rethink what you write for next time.
-Jessica
habima2000@aol.com
Thanks for the post, you said what I was thinking. Right on sister! Literally.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…
Yeah! More, and faster, please.
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