Religion & Beliefs
Are Kids Wreaking Havoc on Your Spirituality?
By Tamar Fox / July 11, 2007
The other day I read this post over at Visualize Possibilities called Congratulations! It’s A God! about how believing in God can be like giving birth. It sounds kinds of silly, and the post is somewhat irreverent and cute, but definitely worth a read. And I’ve been thinking a lot about giving birth and having babies because I know a lot of people who’ve recently become parents for the first time. 
People always talk about how amazing and miraculous it is to have a baby, and how shocking it is to realize how much you can love someone you’ve never met before. I buy that, but I wonder how the ill effects of child-rearing can influence one’s connection to God and the Jewish community. It’s not something I’ve ever heard anyone talk about in a serious way. In fact, the only source I’ve ever seen on this concept comes from a particular rabbi’s ruling that says the primary caregiver for young children isn’t obligated to pray because he or she could be rightfully too distracted by his or her obligations to give the appropriate intentions to prayer (send me a message if you’d like the source). But what about when the kids have grown up considerably, and are still a major distraction for a parents who wants to daven? Sitting in shul the other day I noticed that the children present were getting pretty rowdy, screaming and giggling and generally behaving like kids, while the adults in their midst pretty much tried to ignore them. It occurs to me that this is the norm in many shuls, and that ignoring kids in shul doesn’t really leave them with the idea that they’re valuable members of the community. On the other hand, finding a space with a room for children isn’t east, and then occupying the kids for a few hours while their parents daven without the aid of television, arts and crafts or musical instruments can certainly be a challenge, too—especially when most of the adults really want to be in services davening. So what’s a responsible and serious synagogue to do? I poked around online and found a few responses. Not surprisingly, the CRC has a particularly offensive take on children in the synagogue, basically holding that they should be left at home until they’re older and can be quiet. Then it goes into a kind of weird thing about not kissing anyone at shul so God knows you like God best. I wasn’t able to find much more about the behavior of young children, but there are a bunch of articles from Jewish newspapers about teaching kids to act appropriately at bar and bat mitzvahs. Some shuls require the family of the bar or bat mitzvah to provide chaperons who will sit with the rowdy preteens and shush them. The Jewish Journal reports on rabbis asking kids to stop text messaging during davening, and on inappropriate dress for synagogue. And j. is especially harsh on preteens:
These days, with my son on the b’nai mitzvah circuit, I’ve been privy to many horrific tales of disrespectful and out-of-control behavior at these meaningful celebrations. While some of the more extreme stories may be suburban legend, there’s no doubt that disorderly conduct is a recurring problem. And these troubled waters run deeper than the offending parties could ever imagine; the potential ripples far surpass that puddle surrounding the ice sculpture of the bat mitzvah girl doing a pirouette.
This unruly behavior is hurtful, if not heartbreaking, to the families who have invested many months — not to mention lots of money — anticipating and preparing for this all-important day.
These deeds negatively impact the synagogue’s visitors and regular congregants, as well as rabbis forced to add policing to their list of Shabbat morning duties.
I’ve been to some pretty raucous bar mitzvahs, and to some incredibly gurgly Shabbat mornings, and it’s true that they’re distracting and not conducive to an incredibly close relationship with God or prayer, but I’m not sure that throwing the kids out or telling them to sit down, shut up and cover up is really the best response. How is it that none of these resources say anything along the lines of, “Kids should bring quiet books and toys—like puzzles—to occupy themselves during services. Older kids should be encouraged to bring Harry Potter, or some other reading material"? I know that my plan won’t work for every kids at every point, but it seems like those are the most obvious suggestions. Am I missing something?
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Thanks Tamar,
An important topic, and an underdeveloped one. For a nuanced if rambling (blog-y) discussion, check out Rav Elisha's group on Facebook, it's called Critical Common Sense, and there's a discussion in there where Will Friedman and R. Elisha and I and a couple of others, both parents and non-, hashed this out. My own experience is that once I had kids, shul became a balancing act between engaging the kids in Jewish communal religious participation and managing to get my own spiritual satisfaction out of the experience. The effort required to keep it all going can be a little exhausting. Last Shabbat may have been typical: Ethan goes to shul early with Eden because he's leading shacharit. While he starts leading, Eden sits quasi- by herself in the rows of chairs scarfing down string cheese. Yitzhak and I show up at El Adon and I take over with the kids. As soon as Ethan's done davening, I flee to another corner of the sanctuary so that I can hear the Torah reading and prepare to leyn Shishi. Meanwhile Ethan discusses the parsha with Eden (she actually loves the parsha, they do it every night before bed) while trying to keep Yitzhak's monologue about his cookie at a dull roar. After I'm done layning, I come back and take Yitzhak so that Ethan can explain the haftarah to Eden. During the sermon, Ethan takes both kids out (when it's not summer, this would be the part where they retreat to the Kids' Services. I am not a huge fan of Kids' Services in general, but occasionally they're okay and often a necessary evil for surviving the morning). Then during mussaf we all come in and try to sprint towards the finish line (Kiddush) without a major melt-down.
Sounds spiritual, right? For this reason, we sometimes do something like just one of us goes to shul, so that that person can experience a fully adult davening (I'm positing for a moment that an "adult davening" is the ideal — see my posts in the Critical Common Sense discussion about Yeshiva Bocher Judaism vs. Family Judaism), while the other person takes the kids to the park
Anyway, you will get a chance to see this three-ring circus in action this Shabbat, I think, at the final Yeshivat Hadar davening for the summer. -Ariela
The source I mentioned in this post is from the teshuvot of the Benei Tzion, R. Ben Tzion Lichtman, who lived in Russia, Beirut and Israel in the 20th century. Look up 106:1, where he writes "And it seems to me that the way to justify the practice of those women who do not pray with regularity is that most women are encumbered with dealing with the needs of the house and care of the children and preparations of their needs, which distracts the heart and disorients the proper intention, and in such a state one should not pray." Though he's speaking specifically about women, the idea is clearly that childcare may be so distracting as to prevent one from being able to daven. His logic is gender-blind.
I don't know if I can really blame the kids for making a disturbance of bar mitzvahs. It seems the real problem is that American culture has turned a simple religious ceremony into a gaudy, ostentatious display of wealth, where kids too young to appreciate adult parties are forced endure them every couple weeks for a whole year.Â
What's the result? For the kids, the whole party becomes a huge popularity contest (because what isn't a popularity contest when you're 13?). Preteen girls giggle and dance with each other. Preteen boys surely want the girls' attention but don't want to have to dance in order to get it, so they keep to themselves. There's only so many times per year you can play "coke/pepsi" and not be bored. Naturally, they find some sort of mischief, usually involving a plastic party favor or nerdy child being thrown, catapulted, or set on fire.
 As for the religious part, why would you expect them to appreciate the religious importance of the ceremony when the people throwing the party generally consider it an afterthought?Â
Here's my solution: have families planned the bar mitzvah around the kid's 13th birthday, take the kid to Chucky Cheese to celebrate, and if you still want a fiesta make it 2 years later. By then the kid will be in high school and will be able to better appreciate the fun.  Â
And to all future posters, please resist the temptation to play a crotchety old man. No, "kids these days" are not worse than they used to be. 13-year-year-olds have always been little demons.
I really enjoyed your post, Tamar, but I feel like you neglected to discuss the real issue here. We should’t be asking ourselves “how can we keep our children from bother us at shul?” but, rather, “how can we engage our children in our religious experience while fostering the growth of their own spiritual life?”. When I’m a parent, I hope that I’m not concerned with shutting my kids up while I pray. I hope that I consider every shabbos a wonderful oppertunity to invite my children into my spiritual life. I understand that many shuls cannot afford to have seperate programs for children and I don’t necessarily think that’s the solution anyway. I would rather forsake traditional prayer in order to positively impact my child’s religious life. I don’t think God would mind. If prayer is our way of honoring and expressing our love for God, I think there’s no better way to do that than to teach our children of his splendor. I also would rather leave my kids home with the sitter than lead them to believe, even for one day, that shul is a boring obligation that doesn’t involve them. Shul should be a dynamic, exciting time of self-exploration and communion! I don’t think that it’s really for believers anyway. We commune with God all day every day; he makes himself to known to me every time I breathe. Shul is an oppertunity for those still discovering their faith to spen some time really dealing, in a supportive environment, with The Big Questions. I want to be a part of my children’s experience finding God and if that means that I need to temporarily put my own relationship with God on the back-burner while I help my children explore their own, so be it. After all, God will be at the grocery store later when I’m doing my shopping, he’ll be waiting in my office when I come in in the morning, he’ll be in the bed when I go to sleep; he isn’t going anywhere.
I somehow vaguely recall a discussion on prayer for parents during child rearing years [yes, I know that the issue is somewhat different for men than for women, but only somewhat] a long time back.Â
There are a few issues: one is children in the synagogue, the other is prayer and Jewish living in general when kids are growing up. Fortunately, larger synagogues are doing better and better at providing children's activities, groups, babysitting and family services to keep the little ones involved and engaged while we try to check in with God (or Goddess or "to whom it may concern"). And if your community doesn't offer those options, then parents need to advocate for themselves (and volunteer to help organize).
As for the CRC article, it's pretty archaic, and even a bit embarassing. Clearly, the difference between the sephardic and ashkenazic approaches mentioned in the piece reflect nothing more or less than the sociology of the times. If we're going to look to the synagogue organization of the 1600's – 1800's for models of how our communities were going to work today, we could be in real trouble…if you want to get technical about it, there is the direction that the Vilna Gaon gave his family: that women are better off praying at home than going to synagogue.
We're probably better off following halacha (or not, or picking and choosing, depending on your belief) and not trying to re-order synagogue life around ancient models.
On a personal note, Tamar, the article you pointed to does not represent the Chicago in which I was raised. The Chicago of my childhood and of my rabbinical training (when dinosaurs still roamed Skokie) was pre-Glatt Kosher, one in which more than half the graduates of the modern American yeshivot went to non-mechitza synagogues (as has been shown by articles in journals), etc. And we wouldn't have looked at those types of precedents. The issue of spirituality during chaotic years of child rearing is an important one, but there's nothing wrong with developing solutions that reflect modern day sensibilities.
I thought that was why traditionally women were not subject to the time related mitzvos (eg, davening at certain times, etc).
Hey, I am very interested in seeing your source on being patur from davening and stuff if you are taking care of a kid. Whats your Email address?
Great post. Chabad seems to have the best answer–great seperate programs for kids and then bring the kids in at the end of the main service. The problem for must synagogues/temples/shuls is fnding teenagers willing to spend the time running these programs. In my experience, the Chabad Rabbis usually have their own kids or others who “volunteer” for this, while other places have difficulty pulling teens away from other activities.
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