This Maria. Boris dead. I say no pee on electric fence. Boris pee on electric fence.

Last contest to honor memory:

Best Epitaph for Boris Jackson
(If you cannot think of an epitaph, you may also come up with the best erotic fantasy involving Boris Jackson and a plate of warm noodle kugel.)

Last week winner:

Mason Lerner.

Adios,

Maria

Howdy.

Last week we ran a meta-contest with the promise that the winning entry would be this week’s contest. Because there were only two entries and because they were both darn good, I’ve decided to declare both of them winners. So, this week, you can respond to any of the following challenges:

#1) From Jennifer Predigerowitz:

If you really were a rich man, would you actually yiedel, diedel, daydel, diedel, diedel dum and biddy biddy bum?

Probably not, right?

So what would you really sing or do if you were a wealthy man?

#2) From necroemoticon:

Best name for Boris' beard style. (My suggestion: "The Tsiggee".)

Please note: If you cannot come up with an answer to #1 or #2, you may also respond to this challenge:

Come up with the …

Best concept for a reality show involving a grizzly bear, a naked used car salesman, and Kosher Sex Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

Please remember that the deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM and that only registered members can win.

-BJ

Howdy,

I’m back. I thought we could try a meta-contest this time.

Your challenge is to come up with the …

Best Boris Jackson Challenge

(The winning response will be the official challenge for the following week. You can see previous challenges here, here, and here.)

Thanks to all of you who entered last week’s contest – especially those of you who registered.  The big prize goes to JewcyJuice, who somehow found a way to tackle both of last week’s challenge options at once:

2 in 1

I would like to pickle Abe Foxman's immoral tongue since it has gotten him in such a pickle. If anyone ever truly heard its use in full scope, he/she would have undoubtedly panicked and then jumped into the burning pit of kasha varnishka without making a sound.

I also want to thank you for all of your prayers.  They worked. My feet are still swollen, and I’m covered in scabs, but I feel terrific. Special thanks to Maria for filling in for me last week. She’s a fine woman, and I’m a lucky man to have her on my team.

BJ
--Please remember that the deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM and that only registered Jewcy members are eligible to win the Jewcy shirt.

Hello. This is Maria, wife of Boris. Boris sick. Shingles. He give me contest for you.

New challenge is…

Come up with the ..

Best Ending to This Sentence: “I would like to pickle......”

(If you cannot think of an ending to that sentence, it is also acceptable to provide a beginning to this sentence: “…….and then jumped into the burning pit of kasha varnishka without making a sound.”

Please enter your responses in the comments section at the bottom of the post. Deadline: Friday, 5:00 PM. Prize: Jewcy shirt of your choice. (Only registered Jewcy members are eligible for the prize.)

Boris said I pick winner for last week contest. I like Adam Shprintzen.
This summer, David Schwimmer is...
The Collapsing Cantor
You may want to have your hazzan spayed or neutered.

Congratulations.

Say prayer for Boris.

-Maria

Hello folks,

Here’s my new challenge:

Come up with the…

Best Title for a Movie About a Cantor Named Solomon Jonesenstein Who Faints During a Particularly Enthusiastic Rendition of Adon Olam, Only to Wake Up Convinced That He’s The New Host of The Price Is Right. (You may also include the movie's subtitle if you’d like.)

The winner of last week’s contest is Mobius with “You turn me on like a Shabbos goy.”  It’s direct and simple, like a good pick-up line should be.

We had some great anonymous entries to last week’s contest, but to get the shirt of your choice, you gotta register.

Thanks to Karazi/SimpleLiquid for the very thoughtful submission.

Sorry, I can’t write more. Another nutty week out here. Squirrelisha closed David’s hand in the George Foreman Grill, and I think I might have shingles.

-BJ

Hey folks,

BJ here. Thanks so much to all of you for participating in my challenge.

Before I forget, this week's challenge is to come up with the ....

Best Pick-up Line That Uses the Words "Shabbos Goy."

Please remember to register so that you can win the Jewcy shirt of your choice. And please also remember that the deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM.

Now, onto the winners of last week’s contest.

As it happens, old Boris wasn’t feeling so hot last week. Every night I’d go to sleep feeling fine as can be, and every morning I’d wake up in a pool of my own phlegm and vomit. The only thing that kept me going – other than Maria’s foot massages -- was checking the entries to my challenge. Who knew there could be so many great haikus about Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz? I sure didn’t!

I had so much trouble choosing a winner that I had to ask Maria for her opinion. Maria doesn’t speak much English, but we both liked Dan Freeman’s “The Case for Israel”:

The Case for Israel
Given Four Copies as Gifts
Still I'm Self-Hating

Congratulations, Dan. That’s a heckva haiku right there, and you’re the first-place winner.

My runner-up is Mstakelt’s “Simple”:

Dersh was unhappy.
Blamed goyim and the Arabs
Cheaper than a shrink.

Special thanks to mobius for another solid effort. Keep 'em coming.

-BJ

Hey Folks,

This week's challenge is to come up with the....

Best Haiku About Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz
(Please note that if you cannot think of a haiku about Alan Dershowitz, it is also acceptable to write one about Rabbi Joseph Telushkin.)

The deadline is Friday at 5:00 PM.

Now, as for last week’s challenge, let me just say that you’ve made old Boris proud. Choosing among the entries was like spending a day on the lake, catching a big bucketful of largemouth bass, and then having to throw all but one of them back. It hurts like a solid punch in the groin.

After spending all weekend pacing back and forth in the attic, I choose jrscribbler’s “She wasn't dry, but boy, was she ready” as the winner.

It’s, of course, a reference to that famous “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” song, and I’ll be damned if I don’t love that song. Just the other day I heard the twins, Squirrelisha and David, singing it together. I would have joined in if not for the fact that I can no longer sing on account of the accident with the syrup and the balloon. (Remind me to tell you folks about that one another time.)

My runner-up is this wonderful entry:

“After the dreidel collector, Sarah Rochel, had her way with the yeshiva student she lured from his prayers at the Wailing Wall, she took a black pen and inscribed the Hebrew letters-nun, gimmel, hay, pay, on his fatigued penis-- a great miracle happened here.”

Thanks to all of you for entering, and I hope you’ll all enter this week’s contest. And please don’t forget that you have to register to be eligible to win the Jewcy T-shirt.

Sincerely,
BJ

Hello, and welcome to The Boris Jackson Challenge. Here's how it works: Every Monday, I, Boris Jackson, will challenge you. You are invited to respond to my challenge in the feedback section of my post. The person who provides the best response to my challenge will receive the free Jewcy T-shirt of his or her choice. (Only responses from registered Jewcy members will be considered for the award. Winners will be notified via e-mail.)

The deadline for each contest is Friday at 5:00 PM. On Mondays, I, Boris Jackson, will announce the winner and challenge you again.

This week's challenge is to come up with the....

Best First Sentence for a Novel about a Nymphomaniac who Collects Dreidels

Best of luck.

-BJ