She's NOT biting the apple ... see? Eve got nothin' on me, bitch!I didn't mean to write pages 170-172 of Wendy Shalit's new book, Girls Gone Mild. It was an accident.

I have never been "mild" in my life. I get paid to tell dirty jokes. I have worked as a professional body double. I won't even eat mild cheddar. Or mild salsa. It's "medium" or bust with me.

Wendy and I are unlikely friends. Although we are close in age and both attended liberal Northeastern universities, Wendy is now Orthodox, married, the mother of a toddler, and, well, way more successful than I am. As a profile in the Toronto Star explains:

Shalit is the author of two thoroughly researched books about "young women reclaiming their self-respect" and rejecting promiscuity and the hypersexuality of popular culture and fashion.

Girls Gone Mild has just arrived on bookshelves. Her previous book, A Return to Modesty, was praised by Salon, The Wall Street Journal and Newsweek, which called her "a prodigy at cracking the codes of culture." Playboy, on the other hand, put it under the heading, A Man's Worst Nightmare.

Wendy Shalit - She's So Modest, This is Virtually the Only Photo of Her on the Entire InternetHere's what happened. About a year and a half ago, I emailed Wendy; we struck up an online friendship, and met once in a West Village diner when she came to New York to visit with her publisher. I started reading the blog Wendy writes in collboration with some twenty other modesty-minded women.

I was sometimes sympathetic (it is hard to find a nice one-piece swimsuit these days), and sometimes turned off by the bloggers' self-righteous attitudes (oh, those grapes are sour!) towards female celebrities including Britney, Paris, and the proudly-hot-at-40 Cindy Margolis.

The bloggers are all, as far as I can tell, Christian or Jewish -- and, of course, obsessed with modesty. I would always laugh -- in my high-school-debater, "gotcha" kind of way -- when they commented on the dress of Muslim women. Comments like "Well, that's just TOO modest." In one discussion of an "interfaith hospital gown" (clearly a paper burqua), one commenter writes "Oh- for heaven's sake--Why not just wrap up in a couple of sheets?"

That, of course, is precisely the remark I would make towards the modesty bloggers' own skirted swimsuits and up-to-the-collarbone wedding gowns.

Oy! Imagine the Tan Lines From THESE Modest Swimsuits!So here's the story. One day, a "modblogger" posted a cry for help: "I've offered to put on a Modest Dressing Fashion Show at my church this spring, and I have no idea (yet) how to run it!"

I imagined a bunch of girls in department-store frills and bows, and clunky, secretarial two-inch pumps, marching through a church basement while awful Christian "praise music" blasted from a boom box and everyone stood around uncomfortably, and then nodded and applauded, saying to one another "See, modesty can be fashionable," all while wondering, each in his or her own head, how that spectacle was just so embarassing, and what is it those secular models have that our girls don't have? I was embarrassed just thinking about it.

So I wrote up a reply. Just a long blog comment, explaining things like "...work out ahead of time who walks, in what order, wearing what, and post the list on a wall right in the place that the models see before they walk down the "runway" ...Arrange things so that the hardest outfits to get into come early in the show, so that a model's switch from first to second outfit can be done very quickly."

Wendy's ModestyZone has featured the Gali Girls, which are like Bratz, minus the makeup, T&A, and implications of casual sexWendy asked if she could excerpt it in her book. I said "sure." She offered me an opportunity to edit the piece, but I was going through a divorce at the time (oh, the irony! score one for Wendy) and never got back to her. Next thing I hear, the book is out, and a signed copy is in the mail to me.

Thus, I have written pages 170-172 of Girls Gone Mild. I have also written fifteen posts for Jewcy over the last five days, and this is me, signing off as your Guest Editor.

You can see more of Wendy here. You can see more of me at Jenisfamous.com, or in Brooklyn at Pete's Candy Store. I've also conducted an interview with Wendy -- an extension of this post -- which you can look forward to on Jewcy in the next few days. And finally, I'll be contributing a post here and there as an erstwhile guest contributor.

As for now -- I never did get around to telling you about that time I spent Passover at my high school boyfriend's family's beach house in Nags Head. It was my first Passover; after three days of sunbathing and chopped liver, I had never been so hungry for bread.

This is the most Jewish I've felt since then.

Thanks, Jewcy.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Dziura
Comedian and Retiring Guest Editor

Pearl HarborWhen I'm not doing comedy, I make my living as an SAT tutor. A damned good one, if I may say so. Every time I hear about some dumb gimmick for studying the SAT (study on your cellphone, "yo momma" jokes, the SAT shower curtain), I think "Well, that'll work for vocabulary." (It's not, however, likely to teach you to deal with fractional exponents, or any serious comparison of long reading passages).

When Flocabulary came out with a hip-hop vocabulary book and CD, I shrugged. That could work. But when the same people came out with Flocabulary: The Hip-Hop Approach to U.S. History, I bought the book and CD. So I could laugh. Blog and laugh.

I loaded the tracks on my iPod ... and proceeded to have a religious experience. Pedagogically religious, anyway. The music didn't suck. In fact, the first song, about the founding of America, began like this:

Black Male Voice Portraying a European, and Rapping in the Most Drippingly Sarcastic Rapper Voice I Have Ever Heard: Wow, I just discovered America!

Black Male Voice Portraying an Angry Native American Speaking as Though to a Small, Racist Child: You didn't discover it. We were already here.

The song goes on to talk about migration over the Bering Strait, the five "civilized" tribes, and the fact that some Native Americans had slaves ("Indians weren't living on some heaven on earth tip"), and to comment, "Isn't that cheap? They call my Jeep a Jeep Cherokee -- what if they called my Jeep a Jeep Jew?"

In the course of this album, Harriet Tubman gets a Lil Kim-like solo ("Reward for my capture? 40 G's"), Frederick Douglass gets to sound like the incredible badass he was, Carnegie (in "Big Ballin' in the Gilded Age") raps about Social Darwinism while Rockefeller points out that Jay-Z named his company "after me," and Sacajawea guides Lewis and Clark through the Rockies "like Mapquest." Lincoln (whose Emancipation Proclamation, of course, failed to free any actual slaves) is portrayed with a dorky, squeaky white guy voice -- but FDR gets a booming, dignified white guy voice. Perhaps my favorite line is when Sally Hemings first attracts Thomas Jefferson:

She's dressed in yellow. She says "Hello,

You probably noticed me in the fields of Monticello."

Below is a sound clip (a couple verses, so as to say within fair use) from a song called "Would You Drop It?", which presents, I think, a not-bad-at-all explanation of World War II up to Truman's decision to drop the bomb. I challenge anyone to better explain fascism and its appeal to Germans, isolationism, the Great Depression, and Europe's falling to the Germans until Pearl Harbor galvanized us "like 9/11" -- in one minute, in rhyme.

All these tracks are on iTunes (search "Flocabulary"). If I could buy them for every teenager in America, I would.

"Would You Drop It"? (clip)

Claudia CoganIn his notorious Vanity Fair piece, Why Women Aren't Funny, Christopher Hitchens says that, of the few good female comics, most are "hefty or dykey, or Jewish, or some combo of the three."

I figured I'd use my last day on the blogging job to bring you more comedy coverage. Here is a hi-larious interview with Claudia Cogan. I'm not sure if Hitchens has Claudia's number ... but she definitely ain't hefty.

Jen: Claudia, I remember a joke from your performance at Pete's Candy Store about people thinking you're Jewish when you're not. Can you run that by me again?

Claudia: I ran into an old friend of mine. It had been a while and she asked, "How was your Passover?" And I answered truthfully: "Well, it sucked because I'm not Jewish."

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I got a Hannukah card from a man I've known my entire life so I called him up. "Dad, you know I'm not Jewish."

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The Black Hawk Helicopter ... of COMEDYThis August 15th to September 5th, I will be in Iraq, Djibouti, and Kuwait entertaining U.S. troops. This is part of an all-women comedy tour (and I've been told there will be rides in Black Hawk helicopters!)

My father served in the U.S. Navy for over 20 years; a few days ago, my concerned mother warned me about military food, specifically a dish entitled "shit on a shingle," which I undertstand to involve, at least, toast.

Also on this tour, my jokes are subject to censorship by the Pentagon. (Note: See Ways to Make News About War in Iraq More Interesting to Average Americans).  This, strangely, I don't mind. As a comedian, it's my job to entertain the audience before me in the circumstances I'm given; I also believe in doing a good job according to my employer so I can feel good about myself when I spend the money on Pat Benatar iTunes tracks and abortions.

Several months ago, I read in Bust magazine about AnySolder.com,

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As a young girl, I had over twenty Barbie dolls, which I once arranged in their Dream House in a brothel scene, with one Ken sodomizing the other over the Utility Kitchen. My mother's reply: "You're too old for Barbies."

Toy marketing execs say that, in the 1960s, girls we would now call "'tweens" or even actual teenagers played with Barbies. In the '80s, my friends and I would've been mortified had anyone known we still played with Barbies after the age of eight or nine, even if we secretly still liked them. Now, the target market for Barbies is ages 3-5. The dolls have largely, of course, been supplanted by Bratz (you may have seen ads for the upcoming feature film).

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Apropos to Josh Strawn's post on Tuesday about Haifa Wehbe, in which he posts a video that has been reminding me for the last two days of why I turned gay in college, this article in Psychology Today, Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature, offers the following:

• blondes with big tits really are more attractive (that's only half-apropos to Haifa Wehbe, but bear with me)
  
• it's natural for politicians to risk their careers to have affairs
• attractive people have more daughters (what about Posh + Becks?!)...
  
• ...but sons reduce the risk of divorce
• men have midlife crises because their wives are old, and biological imperatives propel men to seek out non-menopausal targets for their genetic material
  
• and finally, "most suicide bombers are Muslim"

Here's what the article has to say about the latter:

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Archbishop Sean O'Malley of Boston has invited the Pope to the city in 2008, saying that a visit from Pope Benedict XVI would help to heal the wounds of Boston's clergy abuse scandals.

Because if you were raped by an authority figure in a funny hat, a visit from a bigger authority figure in a bigger, funnier hat will totally make you feel better.

Apropos to my last post (How a Southern Gentile Learned About Judaism from Sassy Magazine and Horny Teenage Boys), I'll also confess that I managed to get through an entire high school career of dating Jewish boys exclusively (to recap: I was an atheist in a town dominated by evangelical Christians) without realizing that "shiksa" was an offensive word.

From the soc.culture.jewish FAQ (I can't imagine much has changed since 1996):

Shiksa and Shaygetz are the Yiddish derivative of the respective feminine and masculine Hebrew words for something unclean, dirty. The appellations are customarily applied to gentiles who do things inimical to Jewish interests, such as vandalizing Jewish buildings, robbing Jewish kids of their lunch money, or becoming romantically involved with Jews :-). The root is "sheketz", which refers to house rodents and lizards. They impart ritual impurity, and therefore the term lends itself to the same kind of idea. Some have taken to using the term to refer to Christian women in general. If Christians were using the term against Jews in English, they would be saying "Filthy Jews" or "Dirty Jews", and we Jews would rightly be offended.

Is that not the most passive-aggressive happy face ever? Filthy bitch :-)

A quick Google search of this post's keyword brings up the blog of one Shiksa from Manila,

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As this week's guest blogger, I will now take it upon myself to answer the question, "Why am I here?"

Not "here," like "on earth," in which case the answer would, I fear, be sadly free of altruistic purpose and meaning-gathering.

I mean, like, on Jewcy.

I would like to begin answering this question by posting this image of me strangling Jewcy editor Michael Weiss in 1998.

(This was part of a poorly-produced humorous video sketch conceived by the staff of our campus humor magazine. I believe it was a parody of Jerry Bruckheimer films).

So, we've covered the "personal connection" angle. If you're wondering, I totally didn't sleep with your editor (more on my sex life later).

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Pro-Taliban militants in Pakistan have ended their truce with the government and killed at least 70 people in the last two days.

I admit I have little, if anything, to offer in resolving any kind of conflict in the Middle East. However, I do have a marketing note for Pakistan:

"Islamabad?" Really? Maybe it's time to think about a name change.

If the U.S. had a city somewhere in the Midwest called "Separationofchurchandstatesucksalot" -- I think we'd do a little PR.

Forty-nine states have now made cockfighting illegal, with the fiftieth, Louisiana, voting to make cockfighting illegal by 2008.

Puerto Rico has responded by passing legislation declaring cockfighting a "cultural right."

Apparently, "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" weren't good enough, and PETA's veg-friendly suggestion won't suffice: fried plantains rarely scratch one another to death under heavy provocation.

A woman has died after "plunging about 45 feet from a bungee-like amusement ride" at a Christian festival in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. The initial news report, which I read in an am New York newspaper while working on topical jokes for my comedy show last night, ended with, "A prayer service was held at 7 p.m. and the music festival resumed about 7:30 p.m." Wouldn't want to stop the party. Er, praise.

Obviously, you can't write jokes about someone's tragic death, however ironic the death might turn out to be. You write jokes about Lindsay Lohan, you write jokes about militants in Pakistan. But this? The Christians went right back to their music festival after a fatal malfunction of a Christian bungee amusement?

I did some research. The ride is called the "Air Glory." Sounds like what the basketball team at Oral Roberts University wears when they play other, more heathenish teams. Here is a picture:

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From the Daily Mail: The UK has its first lesbian bigamist.

Maybe Jerry Falwell wasn't wrong -- gay marriage opens the door for plural marriage and then we're down a slippery slope to marrying our pets and ergonomic chairs. Or whatever it was he said before finally dying.

From the (apparently bisexual) bigamist's jilted husband, who took her back:

"If she'd been unfaithful with a man, that would have been it, but because it was with a woman, it didn't feel like proper adultery."

The bigamist herself blames post-natal depression. Or else she's simply bad at math.

In 2005, I sold my eggs to a gay man for $8,000 and the clinic put them in a surrogate mother, who just happened to be a black woman. (Who, nine months later gave birth to an entirely Caucasian baby. Well, perhaps. Many egg donation agencies, mine included, don't tell donors if their "donations" were successful).

I'm currently in the early stages of donating again, also to a gay man using a surrogate mother. The second time around, I get a raise, to $10,000. The process involves weeks of hormone injections, followed by outpatient surgery during which the eggs (about a dozen) are "aspirated" under general anesthesia, via a very large needle.

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I shall be your guest editor this week.

For those of you in Brooklyn, I hereby invite you to a comedy show tonight featuring one Mr. Yisrael Campbell, Orthodox comic on tour from Israel, and fresh off something called the Israeli-Palestinian Comedy Tour. An interview of Mr. Campbell on Haaretz.com remarked that comedy in Israel used to be entirely centered around Purim, but has now expanded into a practice of listening to funny people more frequently.

Monday, July 16th
Pete's Candy Store
709 Lorimer St. in Williamsburg
(L train to Lorimer)
(718) 302-3770
7:30pm
Free

Sincerely,
Jennifer Dziura
comedian