Apple of her father's eye: What if Chris Martin's last name was Plotnik?Below, the Jewcy staff attempts to discuss today's Times story about baby names. Have your own examples of hilarious Jewish names? Leave them in the comments section!

Emily: The New York Times “Bad Baby Names” story made me think about how having a super-Jewy name affects people.

Helen: Not having a super-Jewy name has been a respite for me, I hate to say it.

Tahl: You think it was fun being a short chunky adolescent with the name Tahl? I’m the Israeli version of the boy named Sue.

Helen: Actually, my friend Gal is the Israeli version of the boy named Sue.

Emily: I mean, also, can we be honest here? Super-Jewy names are inherently hilarious.

Izzy: Well, it changes over time. I was reading The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste this weekend. It came out in 1990. And their example of a hilarious mismatched ethnic name was "Michelle Caputo," which sounds, like, completely normal to me.

Emily: Seriously! MICHELLE?

Tahl: There are some truly hilarious Yiddish names.

Helen: The poor Persian kids I grew up with had names like Arash.

Izzy: What about the Maboobifahrtis? Is that how it's spelled? Legendary Persian Jewish LA family? Elisa claims she grew up with them.

Helen: Not sure how it's spelled, but yeah. But there's got to be a difference between growing up with a weird ethnic name and just growing up with a weird hippie or silly name. Like Arash Maboobifahrti had to have had a different experience than Moon Unit Zappa, you know? There's a woman at my temple named Eden Sage.

Emily: Does she work at a NEW AGE STRIP CLUB? Or like a massage parlor that's like, really a massage parlor?

Joey: Wait a second....is there really such thing as a new age strip club?

Izzy: The combo hippie name and Jewy name is great too, though. Like Rainbow Weintraub, who went to college with my cousin.

Tahl: Feivel, Gitel, Hindi, Raisel, Mendelleh, Ruchel, Zemel, and Yankel!!! Are you kidding me?

Joey: New age strip club? Joke or real?

Americal Apparel's Dov Charney: Is "Dov" a Jewish hipster name?Emily: What is the JEWIEST POSSIBLE NAME?

Helen: Yankel is hot. There was a Shaloha at Camp Ramah one year.

Tahl: I do like Zusa. Means “sweet” in Yiddish.

Izzy: Nothing beats Shloimy.

Emily: Shloimy Weiner. I bet one exists.

Joey: Yeah, that would be worse. Objectively worse. I knew a family with the surname "Shitslinga." That was a pretty rotten Jewish surname. Like Lipschitz.

Helen: Lipschitz is so terrible. Grody is awful.

Tahl: Yankel Rosenfarb, my grandfather, the exorcist of Warsaw -- that's up there.

Emily: I mean, Gross is bad too.

Joey: I knew a woman named Apple Plotnik.

Izzy: You DO NOT know someone named Apple Plotnik.

Joey: Yep I knew an Apple Plotnik. In the flesh. Walked around with that name day after day.

Helen: Apple Plotnik. That's delicious.

Izzy: Yeah, I think Apple Plotnik wins.

Emily: See, I feel like it's not Jewy enough. It’s the best example of hippie Jew lady name. But I feel like we need a heinous Jewy ladyname still.

Izzy: Also a hipster Jewy name.

Joey: Apple is Jewish only in the way Moonbeam Schwartzblatt is Jewish. What's more Jewish? Moonbeam Schwartzblatt or Shloimy Schwartzblatt?

Emily: Wait so what qualifies as a "hipster Jewish name?" Like, Dov Charney?

Joey: Yeah, what is a hipster Jewish name?

Emily: I think it has to sound like someone you'd want to bone.

Joey: I'm going to make up names of people I'd like to bone. Jesus what an exercise that would be!

Izzy: I don’t think I want to bone anyone with a super-Jewy name. Sorry.

Joey: Ouch.

Emily: Well, right? One of the tragedies of Shaynas is that they are NEVER PRETTY. It is the most wishful-thinking name.

Joey: Yankel is pale as hell and has the brain of a newt and a terrifying twelve-inch penis that he wields like a battering ram.

Tahl: Joey has a theory about that -- watch out for very ugly, very tall, very skinny guys with horribly Jewish names. They have, he believes, massive cocks.

Joey: I can spot men with huge penises, it's true. For some reason I just know. God sometimes gives unexpected gifts with no obvious application.