There Will Be Awards

Welcome to Jewcy’s live coverage of the 80th Annual Academy Awards!

I am your humble guide for the evening, a movie obsessed girl from Los Angeles who actually happens to know more than a few people involved in making the things. Throughout the show, I’ll be providing gossip, commentary, and maybe even a little insight, with little to no sense of propriety; this much I promise you. Also, I will be drinking! Things could go anywhere!

Especially because Hollywood has been nutso-crazy of late. To review, a 100-day Writer’s Strike ended only a few weeks ago and a really attractive and talented young actor who people actually liked and respected just died. This leaves Hollywood people in a weird state, and they are an emotive bunch to begin with. Might this lead to a more exciting show than usual? Maybe! Or maybe it will be the same parade of self-congratulation as every other year, but I promise I’ll make it fun. So, without further ado, let’s get to it…

8:02: ABC, as they have the past few years, frustrates millions of viewers who realize there is 30 more mintues of pre-show before the awards actually begin. Thank you ABC!

8:05: John Travolta admits he "let" wife Kelly Preston wear the dress tonight. What I love most is that John Travolta is actually more openly gay than most openly gay men.

8:08: Why is Miley Cyrus there? Because she will help make sure 8 year old girls begin a lifelong habit of feeling some strange indefinable need to watch the Oscars right now.

8:13: One way for me to really frighten you would be to tell you just how much I love Helen Mirren. Physically, spiritually, just every way.

8:15: Cameron Diaz has nothing to say. Remember in Lost in Translation, the ditzy movie star who Scarlett Johanssen hates on? Totally based on Cameron Diaz.

8:22: Ellen Page admits that she has knocked a few back tonight. And yet is still one thousand times more eloquent than Cameron Diaz.

8:23: Also, I am watching these awards with many assistants. Producers' assistants, agents' assistants, writers' assistants, even an Oscar-winning director's assistant. So people in the room know some things. Hopefully they will drink enough to tell me something incriminating. Or I will kill them. Ha!

8:30: And we're off!

8:31: Will Jon Stewart open with a strike related joke?

8:32: Yes! Then he rags on the Vanity Fair Oscar party and people love it. Graydon Carter is like the uncle all of Hollywood pretends to like.

8:34: Maybe having only 9 days to write the show was the best thing that ever could have happened to Jon Stewart?

8:36: Atonement joke for the Jews! In case you haven't figured this out, I love exclamation points!

8:38: A tip to all aspiring writers--if you want to get publicity, like lots of it, take a year or two to strip.

8:40: Cut to Spike Lee and Wesley Snipes when the host mentions black people.

8:41: Green Oscars. I wish Greenzo were there.

8:43: Costumes go to Elizabeth: A Golden Age. Costume designer is very skinny. Weirdly, I have noticed this is a trend among costume designers.

8:47: Clooney. Joel Stein's Time Magazine profile? Actually pretty good. I admit this only begrudgingly. But I choose to believe that's just because Clooney's so charming that you couldn't write a bad profile of him.

8:48: How many montages will they show tonight? I'm guessing 80. Also, sometimes the Oscars actually do move me. Goddamnit.

8:51: Anne Hathaway and Steve Carell appear together to promote Get Smart. Steve Carell makes a joke at Jon Stewart's expense. But it's okay because they worked on the Daily Show together! I want Ratatouille to win.

8:54: And it does! Baller! Brad Bird is a genius. He did The Incredibles too. So basically two things better than anything you or I will ever make. Also, sometimes when people thank "their wife Liz" I pretend they are talking about me. That's probably not healthy, but it is something I do.

8:56: I hate Katherine Heigl (except for in My Father the Hero!). Maybe as much as I hate Emmy Rossum, which is a hatred that could probably be tapped as a new energy source for a small country. Seriously, just put on Phantom of the Opera and strap me to a generator.

8:59: Original Songs! Amy Adams, along with Rachel McAdams, will probably end up as the actress of the next decade, or two. Homegirl doesn't make a bad choice. And she can sing. Enchanted is also one of the best movies of the year, and I say that without irony. They probably should have flown in a rat or a bird or something so this number made sense though. Oops.

9:09: Visual Effects winner thanks his "handsome son Alex." Alex, on behalf of your father, I apologize for the merciless teasing you will suffer tomorrow.

9:11: There was some pretty amazing Art Direction this year. Dante Ferretti deserved it though. He helped Tim Burton make a color film in almost all black, white and red. You would think that would be easy. It's not.

9:13: Supporting Actor coming. Javier Bardem's got it in the bag. J Hud presents! Where've you been Jennifer? Having every minute taken up by the Sex and the City Movie, that's where. Also, that Hal Holbrook scene in Into the Wild makes me cry every time I see it.

9:18: Bardem wins!

9:23: Oscars' salute to Binoculars and Periscopes is genius.

9:24: Keri Russell is still Felicity to me, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.

9:25: Maybe I should have seen August Rush?

9:28: Owen! Welcome back! I will take care of you. Any way that you want. Notice they give him a category people don't care about because the producers know no one will change the channel for fear of missing the moment when Owen bares his soul to the world. It didn't happen, but you didn't change the channel either.

9:34: Supporting Actress coming. I will go on record saying I predict and want Amy Ryan for the win. I will also go on record that The Wire is one of the greatest narratives ever told in television or any other medium for that matter. Bet you didn't think I would figure out a way to slip that in here. But I did.

9:38: Big Surprise! Tilda Swinton takes it! This is the upset of the night. And you know who predicted it? George Clooney. In Time Magazine. The man is a genius. And Tilda Swinton is funny. Who knew?!

9:44: Jessica Alba is preggers. Still hot. I went to both the same high school and college as her fiancee and father of her unborn children (twins guys) Cash Warren. An ex-boyfriend told me that in Yale Class of '01 Cash Warren could get any girl he wanted, and his nickname was, wait for it, Cash Money. Reader poll: Would you sleep with someone whose nickname was Cash Money?

9:46: Josh Brolin and James McAvoy are both tiny toons. But my love for James McAvoy could move mountains.

9:47: Adapted Screenplay. This is probably going to the Coens, but the Academy could give it to someone else to share the wealth.

9:48: Or not. Coens take it. Joel Coen and Frances McDormand are maybe coolest couple ever.

9:51: Want to know how people really vote for awards? They let their kids do it. I have filled out every awards ballot my father has ever received. Like since I was 5.

9:52: Good for Jon Stewart for calling that bit out as BO-RING.

9:53: Kristin Chenoweth is my moon goddess. I have a strong affinity for short women with large breasts. Also, she is the basis for Harriet Hayes in Studio 60! And she hangs out with Aaron Sorkin. True story.

9:55: Another Enchanted related question: Did Idina Menzel originally have a song in the movie? Why have a Tony-nominated actress in a movie and not give her a song? And then they give the Oscar performance of the song to her nemesis from Wicked? Did Idina Menzel piss somebody off? Or maybe I'm starting beef right now. That would actually be pretty sick.

10:02: Jonah! He's one of my good friends since high school. I want to be funny, but mostly I'm just super proud of him.

10:08: Best Actress. I predict Julie Christie. Though Marion Cotillard could take it.

10:13: Marion Cotillard! Exciting. Best Actress winners always cry. Always.

10:18: Wii joke! How much money did Apple and Nintendo pay to get their products featured? Or perhaps gift bag swag for all? If so, somebody steal me one.

10:19: If you haven't seen Once you will after this song. Also, Marketa Irglova and Glan Hansard are together in real life. Probably more than anything else in the world, that makes me believe in love. Please don't let me die alone.

10:23: If I had an amusement park, I would create a ride called Jack Nicholson's Brain. Dodge rapid-fire synapses! Jump across drug-addled holes! Visit the hall of nipples he has tweaked ever so slightly, or with great force. Fucking fly man! In Jack Nicholson's Brain we can all fly.

10:28: Renee Zellweger maybe has an alcohol problem? How else can you be that skinny and still have such a puffy face?

10:29: Roderick Jaynes is Joel and Ethan Coen. It's the pseudonym they use for their editing credits. I have no idea who that guy in the picture was.

10:33: Robert Boyle has sure set up some incredible shots. He is also old. And this reminds me of that scene with Eli Wallach at the end of The Holiday. You know exactly what I am talking about.

10:41: Penelope Cruz should win a special award for being an incredible actress in one language and almost unbearable in another.

10:42: The Foreign Langauage Award is a joke this year becasue 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days couldn't be nominated due to a technicality. Do yourself a favor and go see it.

10:45: "Versatile and handsome Patrick Dempsey." I quibble with both adjectives. But John McLaughlin is HOT. Christ. Though he does look like he's had a nose job.

10:48: John Travolta loves to dance!

10:50: Glen and Marketa just won! I just thrust my arms in the air as if I had won. I couldn't be happier. They are adorable. "Make Art" says Glen Hansard. I'll try? They cut Marketa Irglova off before she could even talk. Bastards. Yet sort of oddly appropriate given her character in the movie.

10:57: Jon Stewart brings Marketa out to speak. This is a remarkable moment and maybe makes Jon Stewart the best host ever? And that was actually an incredible speech. Maybe also a sly endorsement of Barack Obama? Or maybe that was my sly endorsement of Barack Obama? You see what I just did there? Flipped the switch.

10:59: How much you want to bet Cameron Diaz hasn't seen Sunrise? You know who has? Your humble liveblogger. She knows film history too!

10:59: There Will Be Blood Wins! My favorite movie of the year. No one's fixed quite like me to get it out of the ground. Damn straight.

11:02: This is going to be sad. I miss Heath.

11:03: No, Rufio didn't die. the guy who did his makeup did. Rufi! OOOOOOO!

11:05: I am relieved they didn't cut to anyone for a reaction shot to Heath. Also, Brad Renfro, snubbed in the death montage?

11:08: Amy Adams changed back into original dress. Interesting. Johnny Greenwood couldn't be nominated for There Will Be Blood so Atonement's winning.

11:11: Is it weird that I would totally do Tom Hanks? I once helped Rita Wilson buy him a duffel bag on Martha's Vineyard. I almost told her I'd do her husband. But I was only 15 and thought she might feel threatened.

11:12: It's pretty fucking cool that they are having soldiers present. But maybe awkward with the whole Taxi to the Dark Side thing?

11:14: If Cynthia Wade's name were Sydney Ellen Wade she would have the same name as Annette Bening's character in the greatest movie ever made: The American President.

11:18: Sort of awesome that this is a distinctly liberal Oscars. The Coasts win! At least tonight!

1 1:24: Original Screenplay. I will be shocked if Diablo doesn't win.

11:25: That is a high slit Diablo's sporting. I can't help it; I love her.

11:29: Best Actor. if Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't win I will start hurting people. I like you, but I will kill you.

11:31: I would listen to Helen Mirren talk or not talk for hours.

11:34: Daniel Day-Lewis, please drink my milkshake.

11:36: Rebecca Miller is a hero to every girl who has ever worried about finding a husband as amazing as her father. For reals.

11:40: Best Director. I want to say this will go to either the Coens or Schnabel, but maybe a PTA surprise? A girl can dream?

11:41: How cool would you feel if Martin Scorsese presented you with an award? That's how the Coens feel.

11:44: I would really like to see Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go.

11:45: No Country's going to take it.

11:46: And it does!

11:47: Cormac McCarthy is so much smoother looking than I imagined him. He's smoother than Nicole Kidman. And I like Scott Rudin. For The Addams Family if nothing else. But a lot of other things too.

11:49: Well guys, that's it. I'm spent. Thanks for spending the last few hours with me. I'm gonna go get a milkshake.