Real Talk Parsha: Chayei Sarah

Well, after last week's virtual cornucopia of cannon fodder, we're left with fairly slim pickings this week, what with Sarah dying and Abraham buying the Cave Machpelah [haggling yet again].  But, for all those people who hate reality TV and/or Disney fairytale stories, we have the Eliezer/Isaac/Rebecca story.  Just think "The Bachelor" mixed with equal parts "Aladdin" with a dash of "Cinderella" for good measure. 

I mean, really, didn't Eliezer seriously show up at Rebecca's all Prince Ali Ababwa style?  With, like, gold noserings and bracelets, camels, quite possibly a magic carpet, fifty elephants, lions galore, bears and tigers, a brass band and more, forty fakirs and cooks and bakers and birds that warble on key?  [By the way, yes I said "gold nose ring", to all those people shaking their heads at the crazy piercings that are all the rage with the kids nowadays].  But anyways, was her family really surprised when she decided to bounce the next day?  I mean, aside from the wealth just leaking from Eliezer's eyes [and remember, he was just the servant], just the day before Rebecca was apparently the water-fetcher-girl of the household.  Agreeing to marry this mysterious "Isaac" dude was obviously a step up from her current situation.  Then again, maybe Rebecca was the passive-aggressive, femme fatale type...Now that you mention it, her dad Bethuel mysteriously dies...Rebecca is the sole overseer of the household's water supply...She doesn't stay around for the funeral....Hmm...You'd better look out, Eliezer.  Something tells me you're gonna dearly pay for that whole "give me and my camels some water" ploy...Oh look.  You've disappeared from the Bible after you bring Rebbeca to Isaac...

Kinda makes that scene where Rebecca covers her face when she sees Isaac approaching seem that much creepier, huh.

Also, Abraham stars in "How Abie Got His Groove Back," shacks up with Keturah, and has himself some more kids.  Take that, Viagra.

[Disclaimer: Please, do not expect "Real Talk" to make actual Biblical sense. If you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain't the place. It's less "Onkelos" and more "Onion", get me?]