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No Freestyling While The Car Is In Motion

Can someone explain to me why on 1 out of every 10 subway trips I take, there's some idiot with urban dreams who can't help but freestyle rap through the entirety of our trip? Don't get me wrong, I've got … Read More

By / December 1, 2006

Can someone explain to me why on 1 out of every 10 subway trips I take, there's some idiot with urban dreams who can't help but freestyle rap through the entirety of our trip?

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against freestyling. It's the art that brought us the likes of Andre 3000, Jam Master J, Funkmaster Flex, Master P, and Master Shake. The key difference here, however, is that they would recite their own phat lyrics from within the safety of their recording booths, concert halls, or posses (in a worst-case scenario) as opposed to wannabe iPod rappers who bust syncopated Will Smith rhymes into my ear while grabbing their crotches in an "edgy" way.

The worst, however, is easily what I call the "remote rapper" Which seems to manifest itself mostly in the Spanish-speaking neighborhoods between Queensboro Plaza and Junction Boulevard, and consists usually of 3 baggy pants-clad misanthropes (two males and a suspect-looking "female") huddled around a Boost Mobile cell phone jerking forward arhythmically at the hips as if stifling a massive tortoise head as some unseen peer slams lyric at 40,000 decibels publicly over their unique "walkie-talkie" feature.

What the fuck is that? Why do phones need a walkie-talkie built into them anyway? I hate kids.

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