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“Nice Jewish Girls Don’t Go To The Drug Rehab.”
By Carla Sosenko / January 18, 2008
Amele, We don't know each other, but I saw in the news today that you were "disheveled and unkempt" at your husband's court hearing. I am worried about you, mameleh. You are a Nice Jewish Girl, and your life is going down the toilet. (What do you mean she's doing well? What music nominations? But…she's missing teeth! She is bleeding through her ballet slippers! She can't even afford real street shoes! Ok, bubeleh. Sorry, sweetheart.)
My granddaughter Carla played me one of your songs on the computer. (She's very good with the computer. Such a smart girl. So she went to Boston University and not Dartmouth, like her first cousin Barry. BU is a very good school, certainly better than where her good-for-nothing cousin Lonny went, which is nowhere. His grandmother, my beloved sister Ruth, she should rest in peace.)
You, my dear, have the voice of an angel. A black angel, but an angel still. All that talent wasted on so much tsuris. Ach.
Honey, Nice Jewish Girls don't go to the drug rehab. No, no, no. (I beat my chest with each word I speak, bubeleh.) And I took it upon myself to throw an English muffin in the brook on your behalf during tashlich. You're welcome.
Carla says I have to wrap it up, so listen closely to your bubbe: If you should decide to turn your life around and might one day like to be buried in a Jewish cemetery (poo poo poo, you should live a long and healthy life) and not in some shiksa garden with crosses everywhere (but I don't judge), and you'd like to remove those farshtunken tattoos, might I suggest Dr. Stuart Lerner, a lovely boy who's not so hard on the eyes. (Yes, Carla, I remember that she's married and has a male companion, but what she needs is a Nice Jewish Boy, and you got so mad that time I gave Riva Goldenblatt your phone number at the beach club to give to her grandson that I don't interfere anymore.) Stuey is a dermatology resident at Cornell Medical, and I'm sure he could help you. (He actually went to Harvard, but his hospital is affiliated with Cornell, where Carla also didn't go, though I assure you she got a good education, even if Boston University is not Ivy League.)
Your body is a temple, mameleh. (No, sweetheart, I wasn't suggesting she go to temple, though it wouldn't hurt.) Speaking of temple, we have a lovely new cantor at Sons of Israel. I'll save a seat for you, Amila. Bring a sweater (it gets cold in the sanctuary) and your appetite. The whitefish salad at the kiddush is to die for. (What do you mean she doesn't eat?)
Love, Carla's Bubbe
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yeah, focus on the "grandmother"… mine always told me: don’t be stupid, be careful. i didn’t understand until a few years ago. oh, the agony i was in, the stupidity i was in. it was my husband who saved me. he was the one that made me enter a drug rehab program. Angie Manson
BT…. i can't tell what you're saying here. you realize the piece was supposed to be a joke, ya know making fun of the "grandmother?"
Brilliant. This is just the way people should NOT talk. Mixed messages. Strong opinion, but no authentic authority, and no clarity at all. Back and forth. "You're doing wrong, but bless you anyway, and don't yell at me". My attitude is, "if you're doing wrong, blessings can wait. Blessings don't mean much in an ambiguous context anway. And, it's your choice whether or not to yell at me. I know my motives are pure, so I am not scared." There. Fixed that for you. But great a piece. This is the kind of moral mush that creates paralyzing confusion. It is an abdication of leadership by the Elders.
Even though she's been quite a wreck for a while, she still looked kind of alright in that skinny,strung out, Joey Ramone sort of way. But the blond… man, it hurts to look at her now. Say yes, yes, yes soon please.Â
Absolutely hysterical. Your writing style is perfect. Although…the premise that Amy Winehouse is or ever could be a nice Jewish girl is dubious. I remember receiving my national Hillel update with a link to some Washington Post article where she asked her dad, on behalf of her Gentile now-husband whether it was more offensive for him to be called a kike or a Yid. All I could think was, why is Hillel sending me an article where I'm supposed to be proud that a famous singer is tenuously Jewish when that article lets me know exactly how she feels about her Judaism (or lack thereof)? I'm all about letting the self-loathers not identify.
Better going to the drug rehab than not going to the drug rehab and just being on the drugs, my bubbe always would have said probably if it was on her radar screen.
Carla,
your Bubbe has a fantastic way with words. she should get her own column someday!
…makes this (pretty) good Catholic boy wish he had a bubbe to look after him.
Very cute! Sounds a like like my own Bubbe haha
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