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"The Kosher Sutra": Kosher Or Treyf? |
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 by Lux Alptraum, November 15, 2008 |
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I’m a sex educator with a very liberal view (and a day job editing a blog about porn), so it should come as no surprise to hear that, for me, reading Shmuley Boteach’s The Kosher Sutra was a bit like being an atheist in AA. The underlying message is solid, and he makes a great deal of good points—but whole thing is packaged in a way that just makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Repeatedly.
It’s all too easy to criticize Boteach (and believe me, I most certainly will); but to start out, I’d just like to hit on a few of the points that Shmuley wins on:
Go deeper. One of my favorite parts of the book is the way Boteach differentiates between “horizontal renewal” and “vertical renewal.” For many of us, the solution to boredom or problems is to make a superficial change: change jobs, change cities, change partners. Boteach argues that this method of “horizontal renewal” doesn’t really solve the fundamental problem; instead of simply jumping from lily pad to lily pad, he advocates for exploring the depths of your current situation, and bringing new value and meaning to where you already are (aka “vertical renewal.”).
Communication is key. Like all good advice manuals, Boteach strongly advises to communicate—and to communicate about everything. Sexual fantasies and desires should be freely discussed, and partners should be open and honest with one another about whatever it is they’re thinking. Nothing is off limits—well, except for a discussion of previous sex partners, apparently.
It’s not play without foreplay. Boteach borrows heavily from tantric sex practices (well, minus the pagan idolatry, of course), and recommends that couples engage in extensive foreplay. He also argues for moving the focus of sex away from the goal of orgasm, and towards the process of experiencing sensuality and intimacy. While his suggestion that couples engage in sex without orgasm for days at a time might seem a bit extreme, it’s nice to see some focus put on the journey rather than simply the destination.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, here’s a bit of advice that I, personally, would like to give to dear old Shmuley:
Don’t put the pussy on a pedestal, man. Orthodox Judaism is well known for its celebration of female “superiority”—which, as far as I’m concerned, more or less amounts to a patronizing, and limiting, attitude towards the female sex. Boteach is no different: over and over he discusses the complexity of female sexuality, emphasizing the fact that women are vastly more complicated creatures than men, and that men must explore their partners, peeling back layer after layer of mystery and erotic intrigue. It’s not so much that I object to the recognition that women are complicated beings; it’s this idea that women are objects to be pursued and unraveled by men—and, furthermore, the idea that men are fundamentally simple creatures, nowhere near as complicated as women. Sexuality is complicated, period, no matter what parts you have in your pants.
Porn viewing does not mean porn addiction. I can’t really say that I’m surprised to learn that Boteach isn’t on board with the world of porn, but it does bother me to see that he seems to equate use of porn with porn “addiction.” There’s a very big difference between occasional, or even moderate, use of something and addiction—and using such a broad brush to describe an issue as intricate and complicated as porn use just doesn’t help anyone (and don’t even get me started on this idea that people get addicted to porn, either).
Chemistry does not necessitate mystery. Not surprisingly, Boteach is an advocate of modesty. But he wants you to know that covering up isn’t about discouraging lust; it’s about creating mystery and inciting lust. If you never see your partner naked, then it’ll just be that much more exciting when you’re in bed together. I’d be willing to go with that point (sort of) were it not for the fact that Boteach extends it to include a ban on things like peeing in front of your partner and—worst of all—showering together. If a healthy marriage means a ban on fun in the shower, well, I guess I just don’t want a healthy marriage that badly.
So is The Kosher Sutra a must-read or a pick you can pass on? Well, if you have an odd sense of humor, or the ability to take sex advice with a very, very large grain of salt, than The Kosher Sutra might just be right up your alley. But given that there are very, very many sex books that offer comparable (or better) sex advice minus the cringe inducing aspects—well, I’d say pass on The Kosher Sutra and pick up The Joy of Sex. True, it’s not written by a rabbi—but maybe that’s a good thing.
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sweetdr
1) "The deeper the better" but even more so research shows that "the harder the better." As a therapists I agree, that superficial change is never the answer. People move to different countries to run away from hard problems but they just follow them. Life is not always all "fluffy" but changing partners, places of residence etc. is not the answer. For example, If you are a bad kisser in N.Y. you are not going to magically become a good one in Israel unless you are willing to learn. The harder the problem and if you can still work through it together the deeper and more meaningful the relationship can become.
2)Men are just as complex as women. After all, it's just as hard to find the prostate gland as the g-spot. And I see just as many men who suffer from sexual problems as women i.e. low libido, inability to hold an erection etc.
3) I think moving away from the goal being an orgasm makes sense but eventually we want both partners to reach orgasm or multiple orgasms (men can have these as well) if that is what they desire.
4)I do agree that you do not need mystery to have chemistry and modern orthodoxy (which does not believe in extemes of any kind but still adheres to Jewish Law ) does not have any absolute rules with regard to modesty within the realm of the marriage. There are rules with regard to not having intercourse during ones menstruation and beyond=niddah so that the marriage is always as if renewed. But it specifically says in the Talmud that in a marriage "guf neheneh meeguf" or a body takes pleasure from another body in any shape or form. Anything goes in a marriage, means :anything goes. It doesn't mean anything goes only in the bedroom. Why not just have sex with your clothes on that way it can be even more mysterious. Go back to punching a whole in the sheets and the mystery could be ... did it get into the right spot? How ridiculous is it that you can walk down the street and see a half clad stranger (as the author mentions sex is everywhere) but your own wife you can not see naked or have sex with unless she is in your bedroom.
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המכתב האחרון
I remember seeing a TV interview years ago where the host questioned a female porn star about her private life. The porn star (I don't remember her name) said that she had been living with a sexual superman. She ran on and on about how great her superman was. The talk host then asked if he had understood that she no longer lived with the superman. The porn star then looked very sheepish and replied that it just hadn't worked out between them. When the host asked why her reply was a sad shrug.
I always remember that interview and thought, there's more to it all then finding the 'g' spot. Personally, I think it's more like finding the mutual G-d spot that makes it work. Just a thought.
Heshy Fried
It saddenes me that in the orthodox community some people view any porn veiwers as a sex addict - funny because I never met a single man who didn't watch some porn from time to time - I guess we are all diseased.
Don't know why you would ever read the Jewish Press but if you do, you would be alarmed to find articles featuring women who are agonizing overt the fact they caught their husbands looking at porn, they seek therapy and divorce over understanding.
BrookeLynn
Yes, Rebbe Boteach is into visual modesty, but not necessarily behavioral modesty. (In Kosher Adultery he talks in depth about keeping the lust alive in your marriage by trying to really "go for the gold" with your spouse in darkened movie theaters, in semi-private outdoor places, and even while seated at the table during dinner parties!)
I respect him very much for his anti-pornographic viewpoint, which he doesn't allow to impede his sexual fantasies. He tells readers how his wife is his current fantasy girl at all times. They make their own dirty movies together that he can save & keep to enjoy when he is away traveling. He keeps erotic pictures of her in his wallet. He encourages the use of props, and even set up a web-cam so he could touch base with his sex-kitten wife throughout the day. In addition he encourages his wife to share with him scenarios in which she feels dangerously sexually out of control.
In a very practical manner he explains how to create and maintain an erotic interest in one's spouse. One example he gives is to continuously view your spouse through fresh eyes. At parties, get-togethers, or at the gym, start noticing the attention/admiration that is being paid to your spouse by members of the opposite sex. When you realize just how attractive your spouse is to other people, it will natually re-kindle your physical attraction to them. (In the 60s, many sex therapists took this idea too far, and outright encouraged people to watch their spouse have sex with someone else. All ethics aside, that practice did succeed in re-kindling some strong sexual passions, but only until all the inevitable feelings of inadequacy & jealousy set in.) The book is full of many exciting & erotic ideas. There is no sex book out there that rivals this one.
BrookeLynn
Yes Alptraum, The Kosher Sutra is kosher. Boteach is adamantly against showering with your partner because it could lead to dancing!